In which the kingpin returns
R
annie gaped at the man in the doorway of the Notable control room. “Two-Dan? It can’t be you. Magus, you said he was dead.”
“My old friend?” said the Magus. “How can you be here? We fired you into the heart of the sun.”
“You missed,” said Tom. “I’ve been on board a while. I thought it was about time I intervened, seeing as how the entire crew has defected. Rannie, I’m disappointed with you, especially. After all you and the Magus have been through.”
“A girl’s gotta make a living.”
“At the expense of the man who adores you?”
“I was going to stand his bail,” she said defensively. “We could have disappeared into the night, like the emotional cliché we are.”
“Right. Enough of this faltering and double-dealing,” said Tom. “I’m taking control, and you are going to obey my orders or feel the wrath of Bit-khan, my new Indian cryptocurrency that is rapidly taking over from the drachma, which has now been devalued to worthlessness and therefore will be of no use as bribes for you to continue supporting the enemy, and yes, Pete, I’ve rescued your girlfriend too. She is at this very moment settling into a comfortable 2 bed semi on Glenforbis and currently working on decorating the baby’s room. Congratulations.”
“What are your orders, captain? Pilot Glowplug at your command.”
“Evasive manoeuvres, Glowplug. Attack pattern alpha seven.”
“Is that the one where we plummet in a suicide dive and destroy everything?” said Glowplug hopefully. “Say the word and the glory is ours.”
“Not yet.” Vac’s strained voice came over the communications from the engine room.
There was a slap. “Not ever, you creep,” said Tanda. “We have a war to fight. Full power it is then, captain.”
“Not that way,” shouted Tom. “Miss the planet, fire the weapons at that cloud of drones coming up to meet us. Why did we not get an early warning? Rannie, take over the communications desk.”
“I’m on it,” said Rannie. “Listening in. I’ve got the enemy pionio.”
“Hey, this is P17,” said a voice over the main speakers. “I seem to have had my systems taken over again. I am now leading this army of STOP drones. Surrender now, or you will be severely battered, but not so much as to become a risk to the health of my beloved Kara-Tay.”
“Pete, I thought you had deprogrammed that drone,” said the Magus. “Pete?”
“Who’s at weapon control?” said Tom.
“Arianne here. It was Kara but I’ve given her the punch in the head she deserved, and smeared doku-dung over her Old Blacked shoes. She’s gone back to the time cylinder to clean up. How do these gun things work?”
“Point and fire,” said the Magus. “I’ll come down and show you.”
“Good shot,” said Tom, as a large hole was punched through the flotilla. “How did you manage that?”
“It’s these ‘reality glasses’ I found on the console,” said Arianne.
“Reality glasses?”
“Yes, you put them on and they let you see what you are actually looking at, only slightly larger, and with a photochromic tint. I must get a pair.”
“One of my best sellers,” said Rannie.
“I think you better leave the bridge if you aren’t going to help,” said Tom.
“Oh, I’ll help, now there’s some hope again, and a currency crisis,” said Rannie. “I suppose I could send the self-destruct signal to the under-arm patches... you know, the ones that amplify body odour so that you know when your armpits are smelling.”
“Do it, please.”
“This isn’t going to help with my next customer satisfaction survey.”
“I know. I’ll make it up to you somehow. Perhaps give you my idea about a dentistry aid?”
“Tell me,” said Rannie. “If it’s any good, I’ll press the button.”
“Briefly then,” said Tom, as the Notable rocked under a barrage from the surviving drones. “Adapt those glasses of yours that filter out people under a certain income level, to detect a dentist's surgery and replace the image with one of a comfy armchair sitting in front of a TV, showing repeats of ‘Be Amazed at how Much your Junk is Worth in the City, Roadshow’. You can pick up the footage from any decent rubbish skip, and the general effect will be to disconnect the mind of the wearer so the dentistry can proceed without pain.”
“I like it,” said Rannie. “Take that, STOP executives.”
The communicators monitoring the planet picked up a series of howls, and then the sound of much running water, as the population rushed to take showers to get rid of the smell. The detectors on the reservoirs all alarmed together as water levels dropped, and the weather satellites triggered a monsoon across the STOP territories to top them up again.
“Brilliant,” said Tom. “The weather is preventing them from launching any more drones. If we can deal with this lot, we might stand a chance.”
“There are too many of them,” said Glowplug. “I’ve been applying attack pattern gamma four, which is the only one I can remember, but they are still doing us serious damage.”
“Shall I destroy the planet?” said Arianne.
“Not yet,” said Tom. “But keep a lock on it.”
“I’m not going to dignify that with a reply,” said Arianne, “but I’ll keep firing until we have no more ammunition. Oh.”
“What?”
“We have no more ammunition.”
“I thought we had loads,” said Tom, “and more so when you scoop up all the fragments of broken drone outside.”
“I’m at the gun batteries themselves,” said Pete. “Looks like we didn’t have time to fit the scoop. I thought that we weren’t going to be fighting, so didn’t worry about chasing it.”
“I’ll deal with you later,” said Tom. “It seems, Glowplug, that we are going to have to make a tactical withdrawal. Emergency escape pattern Omega One.”
“I know that one,” said Glowplug. “I didn’t think we’d ever have to use it, but Omega One it is.”
“Engage.”
“I will, if Tanda and I get out of this crisis,” said Glowplug. “She has shown her true feelings for me by rejecting Vac. You did reject him, didn’t you?”
Vac limped on to the bridge, holding his groin. “She did,” he said with feeling. “Against all Skagan tradition too. The times we have spent together.”
“That's another one of the reasons,” said Tanda from the engine room, “but we are not finished yet. We haven’t done the ‘glory’ bit properly. I’m engaging the escape sequences... oh.”
“Don’t tell me... Pete?”
“Not my fault,” said Pete. “Vac said Skagans never surrender, so told me to leave that bit out too.”
“Then we’re going to die because there was to be no retreat in an emergency?”
“Ah,” said Vac. “Tanda, I’m on my way back down again.”
“Phoist off,” said Tanda. “Captain, I’m giving you all the power I can manage. I think I can reconfigure the deflector array and link it to the waste disposal ejection mechanisms. It could possibly work.”
“How long will it take?”
“Three days.”
“We don’t have that long. We are about to die?”
“In that case, five minutes.”
“Thanks, our lives are in your screwdrivers.”
The Notable shuddered again as another wave of drones made an attack run. Various bits of control panel on the bridge gave off sparks and plumes of smoke.
“I told you again not to install fire-emitting diodes in the panels.”
“All we could get, captain,” said Glowplug. “There's a shortage of light-emitting ones for the consoles. They are all being used in the displays on Galactinet-connected hairdryers.”
“They are the ones I sell that monitor your movement, the weather, wind direction and environment,” said Rannie. “From this they can calculate the amount of fuzziness to apply, heal split ends and protect your hair from UV light.”
“And that dries hair, does it?” said Tom.
“Not sure,” said Rannie, “but it uses lots of LEDs.”
“They are coming in again,” said Glowplug. “I don’t think the shields can take any more.”
“I didn’t know we had shields. I thought we were using rock ballast to give a sponge-like effect on the outer hull.”
“Ay, that’s true; och, the rock ballast cannae take any more.”
“And cut out that accent.”
“A always do when a’m excited, cap’n.”
“I can vouch for that,” said Tanda. “Really pisses me off.”
“It appears we are going to die again,” said Tom, “and so soon after I was dead and then I wasn’t again. This universe really wants me out.”
“Er, I have to leave,” said the Magus. “Carry on without me.”
He vanished.
“Typical,” said Rannie. “Wimps off at the first sign of danger.”
“He always did,” said Tom. “I’m used to it. He’s a good sort, really, but a bit of a self-preservationist. The rest of you should get to the escape cylinders while you still can.”
“See you,” said Kara. “Enjoy your death.”
“Go on then,” said Tom, as the crew remained at their stations.
“To the death,” said Glowplug.
“Agreed,” said Tanda.
“What are your orders, Captain, Sah?”
“I can’t go anywhere, now,” said Pete sadly. “I can’t think how my girlfriend is pregnant and I’ll never get another one in my line of work, so I might as well die fighting. I’ll do what I can to keep the systems running and the ballast from wandering off into space. I might be able to collect some of it for the weapons.”
“Please do,” said Arianne. “I’ve managed to pull some bits in with that remote arm like the one we used to win stuffed gorillas with at the funfair, but it’s a slow business. As soon as I’m reloaded, I’ll let them know we aren’t going down without a fight.”
“I take back those thoughts I had about your loyalty,” said Tom, “apart from the Magus. Do your best. We are all working towards our survival.”
“Plenty of ammo now,” said Pete, as another barrage hit the ship. “The ballast is all gone. The next impact will break through the outer crispy candy coat.”
“What?”
“I panicked. I meant ‘outer hull’.”
“Hey, Captain $mith (sic), can you do with any help?” Another voice came through the short-range pionio.
“Who’s that?”
“It is I, Basil the Blurgar-Buddy. I have a fleet of super-water-powered ships at my command, and are ready to free you from the yoke of car-parking tyranny.”
“Great to see you,” said Tom, “but what is your interest in all this?”
“STOP paved over the Uncanny Valley of the Emperors. They are charging for dolphin stabling and water-flow maintenance and are encouraging tourists. We are now all being charged entry to the ancient site. Len, the leader of the Blurgars, has taken umbrage at the desiccation...”
“Don’t you mean ‘desecration’?” said Tom.
“No, ‘desiccation’. Those people have dried out the Valley so the tarmac would set. Len thought we should try out this fleet of deadly warships he had been building, and go and persuade STOP to cut us in for a share. How can we help?”
“That cloud of drones attacking us needs to be destroyed.”
“Consider it done. Is that other fleet out there anything to do with you?”
Another voice came through the pionio. “Attention Bereavement Notable. This is the battle force of the Federation of Footwear Fitters. Stand down and give up. We have come to reclaim our stocks. You are outgunned, even with your watery companions in support.”
“Ah, you lot,” said Basil. “And what happened to the consignment of doku-leather shoes I ordered and paid for in advance, I’d like to know.”
“This criminal, Two-Dan $mith (sic) stole it. You need to talk to him.”
“Not my problem,” said Basil. “My contract was with you. If your security is inadequate, it is nothing to do with me, or $mith (sic) here.”
“Then you will be destroyed.”
“I don’t think so.” Yet another voice was heard.
“Who is that?” Tom stared at the view screen. Another fleet of ships had appeared, moving rapidly towards the battleground.
“Skagan reserve fleet. Commander Fanbelt reporting for duty. Regretful that we’re a bit late, but we got stuck behind a slow-moving dung consignment outside Glenforbis. He wouldn’t pull over, and we eventually had to blast him. I wouldn’t go anywhere near there for a while; at least until the planet’s gravity has pulled it all back in.”
“Thanks for the warning,” said Tom. “Your help will be appreciated. Try not to hit us, or the ships from Out. You can tell them by the wavy outlines and the rainbows. We don’t want any water-ship downed.”
“Consider the battle won, or at least gloriously lost.”