CHAPTER 3

TEN WAYS IT COULD GET WORSE

1. My pants could fall down around my ankles.
2. When they did, everyone would see that I have a rash on my inner thighs from the new laundry detergent my mom tried out.
3. I could start foaming at the mouth for no apparent reason.
4. The foam from my mouth could dribble down my shirt, past the rash on my thighs, and land in a puddle on the floor.
5. I could slip on the saliva puddle on the floor and fall down, knocking myself unconscious in front of everyone.
6. While I was unconscious, my tongue could fall out of my mouth, showing everyone the mushy cream-cheese-and-jelly-on-toast breakfast that had molded itself, McKelty-style, into every little crevice on my otherwise pink tongue.
7. They could call the paramedics, who would come and refuse to give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation when they saw the cream cheese and jelly on toast.
8. I would die right there in front of everyone in my class.
9. Which is what I wanted to do, anyway, when Ms. Adolf made her announcement, so the answer is…
10. No, it couldn’t have gotten any worse.