ON THE NIGHT OF THE MUSICAL, the multipurpose room was full of parents and grandparents, little brothers, older sisters, and about as many video cameras as there were people. Everyone in the audience was scrambling for seats and calling out to friends. The entire room was buzzing with electricity. All of the cast members could feel it, most of all me, because I was the one peeking out from behind the red velvet curtain that Devore had insisted we hang across the stage.
It was just before showtime. As I stood behind the curtain, my right eye, or maybe it was my left, scanned the room like a periscope on a submarine. I was searching for the Zipzer family. I found Papa Pete first, because he was wearing his bright red running suit, which makes him stand out in a crowd. My mom and Emily were there, sitting next to Robert Upchurch and his mom. Thank goodness, Emily and Robert had left Katherine at home. She doesn’t do well in crowds. And by the way, neither does my dad. He was looking seriously uncomfortable, pulling at his tie. I couldn’t hear him clearing his throat nervously, but I knew he was.
“It’s very unprofessional to peek through the curtain before showtime,” Devore said to me. “It’s just not done. But while you’re at it, do we have a full house?”
“Standing room only,” I reported to him.
“I sense we have a hit on our hands, my boy,” Devore said. “Now take your place on the throne.”
“I’m on my way,” I said. “But first, Devore, can you answer just one question for me?”
“Of course.”
“What’s my first line? I’ve completely forgotten it.”
Devore didn’t panic. He didn’t really need to, because I was panicked enough for both of us.
“This is a normal and natural occurrence,” Devore said, “that happens to many of us theater professionals.”
“And what do we theater professionals do when our brains dry up like a prune?” I asked.
“We do not worry,” Devore said. “You knew your lines during dress rehearsal, and you’ll know them when the curtain goes up. Your muse will come.”
I had no idea what a muse was, but I couldn’t wait for it to get there, because it was showtime, which is no time for a muse to be late.
As I took my place on the throne, Heather came running out from stage left. That’s a theater term that means I have no idea which side she was coming from. The good thing was that she was there onstage. I hoped she saw my muse on the way out.
Heather looked really good. She had undone her braids so her hair was falling on her shoulders. She was wearing a long blue dress that went all the way down to the floor. It had a hoop around the bottom that made it stick out in a big circle around her.
Note to self. Do not step on that hoop when we dance. That is a trip waiting to happen.
Heather took her place by the door where she was supposed to make her entrance. Wait a minute. What was wrong with her? She wasn’t walking like a human. She looked like a marble statue moving stiffly across the stage.
“Are you okay?” I whispered to her.
She opened her mouth to answer me, but all that came out was a squeak.
Great. My brain is dried up like a prune, and her voice box has gone on vacation to Hawaii. We’re going to be quite a pair.
“Don’t worry, Heather,” I said. “Your muse will fix everything. He must be stuck in traffic…with mine.”
When she looked at me, all I could see was panic in her eyes.
“Okay, Heather, we can do this,” I said, absolutely not believing a word of my own hot air. “Remember to breathe in and out. Keep saying ‘I am relaxed.’”
She started to breathe, but not deep breaths. They were quick little shallow ones, coming so fast that I think she started to get dizzy. I noticed her swaying on her feet for no reason.
“Wow, I didn’t know what a great breather you were,” I said to her. “I’m pretty positive that’s enough breathing for now.”
Just at that moment, a piano chord blared loud and strong from beyond the curtain. It was Mr. Rock, starting the musical introduction to let the audience know that the play was about to begin.
Thank you, Mr. Rock! We have to move fast before Heather passes out completely.
“Places, everyone,” Frankie said, bringing all the kindergarten kids out onto the stage. They were playing the king’s nineteen children, and they looked so cute in their little pantaloons. I noticed that my favorite kindergarten pal, Mason, was wearing his Power Ranger flip-flops, which probably didn’t exist hundreds of years ago in Siam, but he looked pretty cool in them, anyway. Frankie talked into his headset, making sure Ryan Shimozato and the other king’s guards had their swords ready when the curtain went up. As he ran by me, he put his hand up for a high five and whispered, “Knock ’em out, dude.” I glanced at Heather. She already looked knocked out.
I climbed onto my throne and adjusted the gold cord I was using to hold up my pantaloons. There had been no time to sew me new pants, so they were still McKelty-size. Fortunately, the belt Ashley had created from the cord was working fine. I pulled it tighter around my waist, just to make sure everything stayed where it was supposed to stay.
“Hard pants to fill, huh, Zipperclown?” McKelty whispered as he settled in next to Luke Whitman on the stage. “I look better in that costume, anyway.”
“Yeah, especially if it’s covering your face,” Ashley whispered from her place at the curtain. Now that she was done with the costume design, her job was to raise and lower the curtain.
“Break a leg, moron,” McKelty said to me. “In fact, break three.”
“Hey, good luck to you, too, McKelty,” I said, wondering why he was calling me a moron when he was the one who thought people had three legs.
There was no time for more conversation, because just then, Devore stepped through the slit in the curtain and took his place in front of the audience. The room was totally quiet now. I could hear myself breathing.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Devore said, in a voice so big that it flew up to the ceiling and bounced off all the walls before it landed in your ears. “I invite you to come with us now to the ancient land of Siam, where we find that the king has hired Anna, an English tutor, to instruct his children in the ways of the western world.”
Devore wiggled two fingers in back of him, which was Ashley’s cue to start raising the curtain. Devore exited stage right. Or maybe it was stage left. Don’t ask me. The point is, he exited and came to stand in the wings in case we needed him.
As the curtain went up, I looked out at the audience. Wow, that was a lot of people. You could hear all the parents’ video cameras humming at once. I just sat there on my throne, frozen solid like a pineapple Popsicle on a stick.
Okay, Hankster. You have the first line. Now go. Speak. Take it away.
I opened my mouth and nothing came out. Heather was standing with her suitcase, ready for me to speak to her.
Like I was saying, Hankster. Anytime you want to say your first line, be my guest.
Again, nothing.
I glanced over at Frankie, who was standing in the wings. Heather was waiting. Luke Whitman and Nick McKelty stood in their elephant boy costumes, holding the door open for her. Ryan Shimozato and the guards had their swords drawn. The kindergarten kids wiggled and scratched their noses. One of them giggled and waved to her mom in the front row.
“Welcome to my palace,” Frankie mouthed.
That’s sounding familiar. I wonder why? Oh, right. It’s my first line.
I opened my mouth and out came the words.
“Welcome to my palace, Anna,” I finally said.
Yes! I was off and running. This wasn’t so hard.
“My dear Anna, you must have had a long and tiring journey.”
I was on a roll, acting up a complete storm. It was fun.
“I am honored to be in the presence of your highness,” Heather answered. There they were, those words, coming out of her mouth just like they were in the script, just like we had rehearsed!
Hey, look at us. Now we’re both acting.
“The elephant boy will take your suitcase,” I said, really starting to enjoy the moment. “Oh, elephant boy, please show Miss Anna to her quarters, where she can freshen up before she meets the children.”
Heather turned to Nick McKelty and handed him her suitcase. He was supposed to take the suitcase and lead her offstage. But could that big hambone ever do only what he was supposed to do?
“Let me give your suitcase to my assistant,” McKelty bellowed, which was definitely not a line in the script.
With that, McKelty grabbed the suitcase from Heather and tossed it to Luke Whitman, who wasn’t expecting it. It hit Luke in the stomach and knocked him over like a bowling pin.
The audience laughed, but Devore didn’t. I saw him standing in the wings. And if you ever wondered what a human being looks like just before his face explodes, leaving only his ears attached, that was Devore. He wagged his finger at McKelty, and although it was meant as a warning, I’m sure from the look on McKelty’s face he took it as Devore complimenting him on his acting.
I wasn’t sure what to do, but since Devore had always told us that the play must go on, on I went. I leaped off my throne and walked to the center of the stage. I bowed good-bye to Anna, hoping that Heather would be able to improvise a good-bye and then just leave with Luke Whitman. As you know, she’s not a great improviser.
I turned to face her and bent over to begin my bow. First I swept both my arms up into the air, and then I brought them down so that my hands rested on my hips. I had seen the actor in the movie do that, and it had looked pretty darn great. As I took my bow, I was willing to bet that a lot of the audience actually thought I came from Siam.
The next thing I knew, as I was completing my bow, McKelty shot out to the middle of the stage, next to me.
“Here, my king,” he bellowed. “Let me help you with that.”
Help me? With what?
Before I knew what was happening, he grabbed the end of the gold cord that was holding up my pants and tugged it with all his might. I started to spin like a top. For the first time in my life, I knew how Cheerio felt when he chased his tail. When I stopped spinning, I was clear across the stage. I noticed a cool breeze floating across my legs. I reached down and felt around for the gold cord. It wasn’t there.
I looked down and realized that my golden pantaloons had fallen down and were lying in a heap at my feet. The only thing between me and the audience were my polka-dotted Mets boxer briefs.
I was in shock. Devore was in shock. Mr. Rock stopped playing. He was in shock. The only person whose face I could pick out in the audience was Ms. Adolf. And believe me, she was totally in shock. She put her program on her head like a hat, covering her eyes with the pages.
I looked over at Frankie, who was standing in the wings. For maybe the first time ever in his life, he had no idea what to do. I looked to Ashley, who was standing by the curtain, hoping that she would have the sense to lower it and end this horrible embarrassment. But she must have been in shock, too, because she just stood there and started twirling her ponytail nervously. All the kindergarten kids cracked up, even my pal Mason.
There I was, standing with my golden pantaloons around my ankles. Should I step out of them and run away? Or should I bend over to pull them up? Bending over didn’t seem like a good choice. So I just stood there. Suddenly, somebody’s little brother in the front row screamed as loud as he could, “Look, Mommy. He’s got the same underpants I do.”
The audience roared with laughter. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Devore had dropped to his knees. He was holding his cape over his eyes. I think he was crying. No, sobbing. Nick McKelty was laughing his head off. The golden cord that had once held up my pants was in his chubby, grubby hand.
As for me, all I could do was wave.
Why I didn’t just hop off the stage and run all the way to California without stopping will always be one of the great mysteries of my life. All I can tell you is that no thoughts occurred to me. Not one little tiny one.
I promise you that in a million trillion years, you will never guess what happened next.
Stiff Heather Payne, the same girl who could not say a line that wasn’t written and memorized, the non-improviser of all non-improvisers, stepped into the spotlight and took total command of the situation.
It was as if Anna had suddenly come alive in her. Her muse had arrived! Heather twirled herself in her blue hoop skirt over to Luke Whitman and grabbed the suitcase from his hands. Then she twirled over to me. With a huge flourish, she threw open the suitcase lid and reached inside, producing a blue shawl that matched her dress.
She wrapped the shawl around my waist like a magic trick, then wound it around me so it looked like one of those long skirts that an ancient king of Siam might actually wear.
“Your highness, I didn’t want you to catch a cold,” she said as she was twirling and wrapping, wrapping and twirling. “So I brought you this garment from my land—Eng…land.”
Wow. Was this Heather Payne? It looked like her. It was as tall as her. But it sure didn’t sound like her.
“And you, elephant boy,” she said, turning to Nick McKelty. “Return to the stables and tend to the animals. One of the elephants has a runny trunk and needs to have it wiped immediately.”
Even a big mouth like McKelty’s couldn’t come up with an answer for that! Heather Payne was improvising her brains out. There was no doubt about it. All McKelty could do was slink off the stage.
With McKelty gone and my tush safely wrapped up in a shawl, I was on the way back from Embarrassmentville. The audience had even stopped laughing. That was the good news. The bad news was I had no idea what to do next. Everyone was waiting.
I opened my mouth and just prayed something good would come out. Devore had said that my muse would take over. This couldn’t have been a better time for it to show up.
“Anna, I feel so kingly wearing this elegant gift from you,” I said with a flourish. “In fact, I feel like dancing, if you know what I mean.”
“Yes, your highness, I know exactly what you mean,” she said with a big smile.
I turned to Mr. Rock and said, “Palace musicians, I command you to play.”
Mr. Rock picked up my cue and launched into the introduction to the dance number that Heather and I had rehearsed for two weeks.
“Anna,” I said, with a low bow. “Shall we dance?”
“My pleasure, your highness.”
I put one hand around her waist, and just to make sure that my Mets boxer briefs were not going to make a repeat appearance, kept my other hand tightly clutched to the shawl wrapped around me.
Heather and I took off, twirling around the stage. Let me tell you, our rehearsals really paid off. We didn’t miss a step. We were in perfect harmony. And before we knew it, the audience was clapping in time to the music and cheering as we danced around the stage.
On our final turn, I caught Ashley’s eye and gave her the nod. She knew what I meant because she lowered the curtain as we spun around the stage for our final turn. Through the curtain, we could hear the audience cheering and stomping their feet.
I looked over at Devore. He had stopped crying. In fact, he was laughing.
So was Heather.
And so was I!