Kindness, affection, spontaneity – these are the sheltering roles of the family, a comforting refuge from a public environment that is increasingly dominated by the impersonal mechanisms of the marketplace. Family life – idealized, magnified, a refuge of authenticity where people are allowed to “be themselves” – is clearly an image d’Épinal.*1
Well, tear up the postcard. The contemporary family is, in fact, an inward-looking prison, based entirely on the child. The family means scoldings under the Christmas tree, painful and unasked-for “moments of truth” with your mother-in-law, resentment that has been simmering for generations, shameful family secrets that nobody dares name but that are a burden to all. The majority of murders and of acts of pedophilia occur within the family. That should be food for thought. Every family is an inescapable nest of vipers.
Bonjour, neurosis; hello, psychosis. Child-parent relationships are not a piece of cake. It’s not just love; it’s also hatred, resentment, jealousy – all those feelings we don’t talk about because it’s just not done. You don’t have to look too far to find them. Psychoanalysis has been very clear on this issue. Freud explained that the little boy wants to kill his father so that he can go to bed with his mother, and what could be sweeter or more endearing? Winnicott gave seventeen reasons why a mother might detest her baby: he is a danger to her body, he disrupts her private life, he hurts her breasts, he treats her like an idiot, he makes her follow his rules, he frustrates her…not exactly a rosy picture of maternity. If you have kids, you’re going to have to deal with all these contradictions. A lot of people suppress them, which might just be the secret to idyllic parenthood. Is that better for the children? Not necessarily, because whatever happens along the genealogical trail, sooner or later somebody is going to have to pay the piper.*2
But back to your family. With a kid, you’re going to have a lot on your shoulders. Ironic, isn’t it, because wasn’t the kid supposed to be your way of paying your debt to the parents who gave you your life? You might think that you’ve gotten even now, but, no, it’s not that simple. Parents and in-laws will be there to explain to you the art of child-raising and to drown you in ridiculous and unsolicited advice. And that will be nothing compared to the veiled reproaches, the unspoken condemnations, and the endless little lessons whose message is quite simple: you are an inadequate parent; you don’t know how to do it; your child is not fulfilled. Little Jules wets the bed sometimes? Alexander has eczema? Isabelle hates her math teacher? It’s all your fault. You moved in the middle of the school year; you work too much (or not enough); you pay more attention to Isabelle than to Alexander – or the reverse. It’s because when you were a kid you were jealous of your brother, or asthmatic, or in love with your sister, or a stamp collector.
Psycho-talk is a big deal in families, where the merdeuf wields it like an elephant in wooden shoes, boasting of the Dolto she has in her library (but hasn’t really digested yet).*3 The merdeuf flings around an oversimplified psychojargon like a kind of familial Esperanto: “He’s going through his Oedipus” (as if she were saying, “His teeth are coming in”), meaning that he is in love with his mother, and of course she is delighted to have a little admirer in her pocket. “He has a castrating mother,” naturally, applies only to other kids, who have terrible mothers, never to her own child. “He’s going through the anal stage” could translate as “He plays with his turds, which is disgusting, but normal.”
The worst thing is that you are going to be trapped. Your family’s or your partner’s being an often-generous source of free babysitting, you are going to accept, with your mouth shut (yes, believe me), their diktats, blatherings, lessons, and double-barrelled psychological arguments. You will feel less guilty parking the baby with family than with a babysitter: that vile mercenary can of course be useful sometimes, but she doesn’t love the kids – she’s just paid help. In any case, listen: getting away from the kids for a few hours or a few days is a pleasure worth paying for. But it is not always payment in money that costs the most.
*1 Sentimental 18th-century-style woodcuts and prints, still popularly sold in the northeastern district of Épinal, these depict a lyrical rural family lifestyle and are also widely available on postcards. (Ed.)
*2 That is what psychoanalysis is good for: it lets other people pay the bill. Yes, it is costly.
*3 Françoise Dolto, 1908-1988, famous child psychoanalyst and author. (Ed.)