Always happy, cheerful, smiling. Even when you are getting ragged on by your colleagues, or your favourite uncle has just died. At work, people who deal with the public are supposed to demonstrate continuous enthusiasm (on this score, we have a long way to go, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about it).
It’s the same at home. They keep telling parents that you have to “keep the child active” right from the earliest years. You’re expected to discuss things with them, to cry “Bravo!” when they babble, to get them to play, to read books to them from birth, to sing them songs while doing “this is the way” with your hands, to transform mealtime into a “convivial and agreeable moment,” to show joy and interest at the sound of a burp or the contents of a diaper. To pull off a performance like this, you have to be either an idiot or full of Prozac. Will seeing their parents play the fool all day long make kids more intelligent? I have my doubts. It might render them completely stupid. Could this explain the famous and hackneyed “academic decline” of students that has obsessed so many pedagogues since…antiquity?
When the kids get a little older, you’re supposed to be an example to them. That can be hard on a daily basis. Stuffing yourself with Nutella sandwiches on the couch, smoking pot when you get home from work, guzzling a good (or not so good) wine in bed – these are not proper examples for children. Dragging yourself around the house with greasy hair and a dirty nightgown is also not the kind of example likely to turn them into responsible and positive adults. In such an environment, how are they going to “pull themselves together”? Bursting into tears in front of them because Julianna has just played some trick, or because you didn’t get your promotion – that is not recommended. To say nothing of having a fight with your partner, along with the attendant reproaches and screaming – the kind of scenes that condemn your child to years on the analyst’s couch, if not to alcoholism and juvenile delinquency.
The hardest thing of all is maintaining an antiseptic tone when talking about the world into which they have just arrived. But you have to try, all the same. You have to talk about “values” (honesty, being considerate of others, keeping your word), even if these are precisely the things you must not respect if you want to climb the ladder in a world of rivalry and competition. You are urged to tell them about gender equality while buying them anti-sexist toys (dolls for the boys, chemistry sets for the girls, books that have been cleansed of the stereotypes of bygone days), even if there is no real equality in your own home. Never forget that parents are the missi dominici* of the Empire of the Good. The major-domos of Yes-Yes Land. Conformity and moral clarity are essential. Detachment and skepticism are frowned upon. Are you naturally pessimistic, even at times a bit depressed? Do you sometimes question the meaning of life, the sense of the word democratic? Work on yourself to get rid of this deadly negativity. When you have children, you must put them on the right track and force yourself under every circumstance to be positive, talk friendly, talk citizen.
No harshness. Neutrality. Compassion – worthy of the evening news. Soft music studded with positive language, like a political speech. That is what society expects of parents, even if a lot of them fail because the burden is so heavy. If despite this book you still want to become a parent, you have to start practising now, in front of the mirror, because it’s real work. I’d advise signing up for an acting course, perhaps one called “Always put on a happy face in front of your children and give them a positive image of the society in which they live.” Being a parent is no child’s game: it’s an actor’s game.
* “Envoys of the Lord,” emissaries sent by medieval Frankish kings to supervise provincial administration. (Ed.)