Sometimes, one does not
Need words to know what another
Person is thinking
Mother disliked anything out of the ordinary intensely. Unexpected noise and fuss brought on her most violent headaches. As a result, everybody in the family did their best to avoid distressing her.
Perhaps my brothers sensed that today would be one of Mother’s difficult days, as they both gulped their morning meal and set off for Edo much earlier than usual with no more than a nod in my direction. Neither of them had so much as mentioned my illness, and I was grateful to them for their unintentional consideration.
I had expected the roughest of teasing from them, so to be treated as if nothing at all had happened to me was a huge relief. And also, in an odd way, it was a comfort. If my own brothers, suave, iki, men-about-town as they were, saw nothing strange about me, then surely there was hope that the rest of my small world might also come to accept me as well.
Mother always took breakfast in her own apartment. I was astonished when she appeared in the main part of the house even before I had finished my own meal.
“Mi, you are up and about already. Good. Lady Ai and Yuto will be with us later this morning. I need to speak to you before they arrive.”
My stomach clenched as I stared at the tatami in silent misery. Mother either didn’t notice my distress or chose to ignore it.
“The furniture from my apartment is going to be moved in here. Naturally, Ai-san will expect us to receive her and Yuto here in the reception room. You haven’t seen them, but your father has purchased two other pieces of furniture for me. They are called chairs.”
She pronounced the short but difficult word carefully. Feeling something was called for from me, I asked dutifully, “Are they like your sofa, Mother?”
“Similar, but smaller. Each one seats only one person.” I was relieved as I had obviously struck the right tone with my question. “They are very, very expensive. But naturally, one has to pay a high price for items that are extremely fashionable. I have heard that even the emperor has them in the imperial palace. None of the gaijin know how to sit properly. They fidget all over the place if they have to sit on the tatami, so of course the emperor has purchased their own style of furniture to ensure they are comfortable in his presence.”
I remembered Gen’s anger at the way the gaijin appeared to be taking over our country, and at that moment, I understood and even shared his fury. If it was possible that they could dictate to the emperor in such a small matter, what else was changing to accommodate their strange customs?
Mother appeared to be waiting for me to say something, so I said colorlessly, “Yes, Mother.”
She glanced at me suspiciously and then sighed and put her hand to her forehead. If Mother had a headache coming on, then it was wise to retreat. Quickly. But I could go nowhere without preparation. My crutch was in plain view, but I dared not grab for it. Mother followed my gaze and shuddered theatrically.
“That thing must be hidden. Ai must not see it.”
I shared Mother’s revulsion, but I could not move a step without my crutch. I hated it, but for the moment, it was vital. It was an ugly thing—a lump of wood with a padded handle. The estate carpenter had made it for me, and I suppose I should have been grateful. But it was as clumsy in use as it looked, was almost as ugly as my withered leg, and was far more visible. But I would not, I prayed, need it for too much longer.
I practiced my exercises every day in spite of the pain they caused me. I massaged my leg with spikenard oil and inhaled it often. I massaged my leg again and again in the bath. I had begun to be despondent when I could see no change until Anzu pointed out gently that not only my great toe but also my second and third toes could now touch the ground, together with the pads beneath those toes. Small progress, to be sure, but something. If I could manage that, then anything was possible. Or so I told myself.
Alas, my small triumphs counted for nothing at this moment. Mother’s word was law. I jerked myself to my feet with the support of my crutch and watched as two of our gardeners moved the gaijin furniture into the room. The sofa must have been heavy as they grunted under its weight. But Mother was not yet finished. She ordered the furniture to be moved back and forth until she was finally satisfied.
“Mi, sit on the sofa. At the far end. You—” She gestured at one of the gardeners. “—take that thing away and put it in the kitchen.”
The gardener gawped at her until Mother pointed at my crutch and flicked her finger at it disdainfully. He seized it obediently, holding it clumsily, and instantly I was filled with fear that he was going to break it. Before I could call a warning to take care of it, both men bowed and shuffled out.
Without my crutch, I felt as if something was missing from my body. I was deeply puzzled. I hated the thing—to me, it shouted to the world that I was a helpless cripple. Yet as soon as it was taken from me, I wanted it back. With a flash of instinct that left me cold I understood that I had already come to depend on the crutch. At once, I decided I would increase the times I performed my exercises each day. I would not allow myself to be dependent on anything—especially not an ugly lump of wood.
Mother’s voice broke in on my thoughts. “Sit on the end of the sofa, Mi. Put your legs to one side. No, not like that. Watch me.” She sat down gracefully—I was deeply envious of her elegant movement—and tucked both her legs neatly together, on a slant. My own efforts were less successful. She rose immediately and pulled my legs about until they pleased her, and then spread the skirts of my kimono carefully across them. “That will have to do. If one doesn’t look too carefully, your left leg looks almost normal. It will seem very strange that you don’t rise and bow to Ai-san and her son, but I’ll think of something to explain that. They should be here soon, they’ve spent the night at a local ryokan. Don’t move.”
I was uncomfortable and wanted to fidget. Even worse, before long, I needed to pass water. I hoped tea would not be served; that would make my plight desperate, indeed.
“Please, do come through Ai-san. How lovely to see you and Yuto-san after so long. And how very well your son looks! He has grown into a man since I saw you both last.”
Mother’s voice was high-pitched and sounded artificial. I realized with astonishment that she was nervous. And then Ai and Yuto came into the room and I forgot everything—even my manners—in my horror.
Lady Ai looked exactly the same—a prosperous farmer’s wife, dressed in excellent quality but old-fashioned clothes. But Yuto!
Mother had said he had grown into a man. She lied. He had grown alright, but sideways rather than upward. He was grotesquely fat. His head appeared to sit directly on his shoulders with no neck to intervene. His belly bulged out of his robe and when he sat—awkwardly—on the chair Mother indicated, I heard it creak with distress.
His face was as round as the full moon, and rather than reducing the appearance of his pockmarks, they seemed to be deeper than ever. His eyes were almost buried in fat, as was his nose. Only his lips stood out, thick and repulsively red.
As if he sensed my inspection, Yuto turned his head to stare at me and I saw at once I had been wrong about one thing, at least. He did have a neck; the back of it was covered in rolls of fat. I swallowed hysterical laughter and managed to find a smile even as I turned my head away from him hurriedly. Surely even Mother could no longer wish me to marry this mountain of a young man. The thought held me rigid. I could not. I would not. I would rather the paralysis of the morning had killed me when I still had hopes of a normal life.
Everybody was silent when Mother stopped speaking. Both Ai and Yuto were staring at me, Ai with raised eyebrows. I blushed as I understood she thought I was being terribly impolite by remaining seated and I glanced imploringly at Mother.
“Please accept my apologies for Mi-san. Her illness has left her a little delicate. But that will pass, naturally,” she added smoothly. “Could I offer you both some tea, Ai-san?”
Ai’s response was so curt it was rude. “Not just at the moment. I understand from your letters that Mi-san has had paralysis of the morning. A bad case, was it? She’s certainly lost weight.”
Had I? I had been so worried about my leg I had not bothered to consider the rest of my body. But now that Ai had mentioned it, I did have to pull my obi much tighter than before my illness.
“My daughter may have lost a little weight, but I think it suits her greatly.”
It was, I was sure, the first compliment I had ever had from Mother. I glanced at her in surprise. She was sitting very straight, her expression set. Ai was staring back at her without blinking and I felt the tension thrumming between them. It was exactly as if some sort of silent battle had been declared.
Yuto spoke unexpectedly, and all three of us turned to look at him. I was sure he flinched back from our stares, but he was the only man present, and it would have caused him too much loss of face to back down.
“I think it suits her as well, Mother.” Any pleasure I might have taken in his words withered as he licked those full, red lips greedily.
“Yes, dear,” Ai answered indulgently, as if he was a child. A very large child. “But it is not always a good thing to be very slim. It can be a sign of a weak constitution.” Mother gasped indignantly as Ai went on relentlessly. “There has never been a case of paralysis of the morning in our family. We come from good, healthy stock. But I have heard that the paralysis often leaves those who survive deformed. Is Mi still whole in her body?”
Mother glared at Ai as if she had been insulted. Which I supposed she had been. Ai glared back at her. Yuto had lost interest in the conversation and was picking at a scab on the back of his hand.
“Mi-san has a little trouble with her left leg,” Mother said icily. “But the physician assures me that it will pass in no time.”
Ai was smiling, a smile that said—as clearly as words—I knew it! I expected Mother to placate my future mother-in-law and my mouth fell open when she turned her head and nodded at me.
“Mi-chan, please be so good as to show Ai-san your left leg,” she purred. I was aghast.
“Mother?”
“Your leg, Mi-chan.”
Both Ai and Yuto were staring impatiently at my skirts. After a last, appealing glance at Mother, I fumbled them aside.
I could not bear to look at my own deformity and watched Ai and her son instead. Ai’s hand flew to her mouth so that I could only see her eyes, but I was certain they held a look of triumph. Yuto shocked me. He stared at my leg, and his expression turned greedy. He rubbed his knuckles over his mouth and smiled.
“And you say that will recover?” I was right, Ai’s voice resonated with triumph. “I must tell you, Emica-san, if it was not for the fact that my Yuto has formed a very dear affection for your daughter, I could not consider ever allowing him to marry a girl who is crippled beyond hope. As it is, I must discuss this matter with my husband. At the very least, he will demand a far higher dowry if we are to take Mi off your hands at all. In fact, it would probably be far better if Yuto took her as his second wife in due course. There would be a ceremony, of course, but I really could not condone my dear son taking a cripple for his first wife.”
She might as well have slapped me across the face. Knowing that Ai was watching me closely, I kept a closed face. I would not allow her to see what distress she had caused to me. And if Yuto did not stop staring at my leg with such greedy interest, I would hurl the fat cushion that was supporting me at him. I wished I still had my crutch to throw. That really would have hurt him.
But this was truly a day of surprises. Mother was smiling and nodding as if she had expected nothing more. When she spoke, her words were so at odds with her expression it clearly took Ai some time to realize what she was saying.
“I am so glad we have had the chance to have this little chat, Ai-san. Now that I have seen your son again, I realize that I could not let my beautiful daughter marry him under any circumstances. Her leg may recover, but alas, your son will always be an ugly, bad-mannered lout.” Comprehension began to dawn on Ai. Her face flushed a bright, mottled red. She began to speak, but Mother simply carried on as if she had remained silent. “And as for a dowry, if you were to offer me all the rice in Japan to allow my daughter to marry him, I would still refuse.” She clapped her hands loudly and a maid appeared at once. “Umi, please show my guests out.”
Mother’s politeness to the maid was in stark contrast to her rudeness to her visitors. Ai stood at once and pushed her way past the astonished maid. She was almost at the door when she realized Yuto was not following her and turned and gestured to him impatiently. He rose with obvious reluctance, his greedy gaze still fastened on me.
I heard his whining voice as Ai shooed him through the shoji. “Why can’t I marry Mi, Mother? I like her far better now than how she was before. I like thin girls. And her leg doesn’t bother me at all. She couldn’t move very quickly with a leg like that, could she?”
I exhaled on a long breath and stared at Mother with a new respect. She waited until she was sure that Ai and Yuto had left the house and then stood, brushing her hands one against the other as if she was flicking dirt off them.
“I will ask the men to clean my lovely chairs very well before taking them back to my apartment. Who knows what sort of mess those farmers brought with them?” I nodded, speechless. “When your father gets home tonight, I will tell him that he must commission a new crutch for you. The finest one that money can buy. If you must use one, then it must be of the best.”
“Mother…” I paused, searching for words as she waited. “Thank you.”
“For what?” She was tapping her foot impatiently on the tatami and I stayed very still, wondering if she was angry with me. “Ai’s family may be higher caste than we are, but in this day and age that counts for very little. We have money, and because of that, we have power.” The effect of her words was spoiled completely for me as she added, “In any event, as you are only a girl, I thought it would be a good enough match for you.
“Had one of your brothers wanted to marry a girl from a good family who had no money, that would have been a different matter entirely. In any event, that woman presumed too much. She and her precious husband do not understand how things have changed since the gaijin forced their way into our country. Farmers and landowners and even samurai no longer have the power they used to wield. It is men such as your father whose voice matters these days. Don’t worry too much, child. We will find you another husband, in spite of your deformity.”
I bowed my head, both from habit and to hide my rebellious expression. I did not want a husband found for me. Especially one who was prepared to overlook my withered leg.
Any husband I took must want me for who I was, for what I was. Of that, I was determined.