Grass shrivels and dies
When the field is harvested.
Rain will bring new shoots
I had been so certain that I knew what his reply would be that when he spoke, I shook my head, unwilling to believe what my ears had told me.
“You have surpassed anything I could have hoped for you, Mi-chan. You no longer have any need for me.”
I fastened hungrily on his use of Mi-chan. It was the first time he had ever used the endearment. He was either lying to me or deceiving himself. He had to be. I remembered—oh, so very clearly—how he had reacted when he had touched my thigh. Accidentally? I had convinced myself that it had been an accident, but suddenly I was prey to doubt. His expression a moment again had been, I was certain, hungry. For me. And now he dared to say he was of no use to me? When I replied, my voice held a calm certainty I did not feel.
“You are wrong, Tengen. Or you are lying.”
“I am a monk, Mi-chan.”
The words sounded as if they had been wrenched from deep inside him. Suddenly, I knew how very dangerous the game I was playing was. I didn’t care. It was already too late to step back, so I gambled everything on a few words.
“Then go, Brother Tengen. Now.”
He held his hands out, fingers spread, as if he was physically warding me off. I did not move. Did not speak.
“I cannot.” His whisper was a leaf blown on the wind. I said nothing. Tengen’s decision had to be his own. “I have taught you everything that I thought might help you, but nothing at all about the longings that lie between a man and a woman. But I should not be the one to enlighten you about the ways of the world. The fortunate man who you take for your lover will do that. I should go.”
Should, not will. Triumph made my head throb. “Then go,” I said softly.
“I cannot.”
“Then stay.”
“I should not.”
Impatience consumed me. My flesh felt like a living thing. I could feel my skin tingling even as my stomach felt liquid and heavy with longing. I knew of no cure for what consumed me—except for Tengen. Tengen the man, not Tengen the monk. Yet I knew I would not try and persuade him to stay here with me. That if I had to beg, then there would be no joy in whatever was to come after. It was an oddly mature thought for a young girl.
I folded to the ground as gracefully as I could, for once not sparing a thought for how bad my withered leg must look, sticking out from the skirts of my kimono. Tengen was swaying slightly, like a man who has drunk too much sake. Finally, he shook his head and sat down, facing me.
“I knew this day would come the moment I saw you,” he said. “After that first lesson, I begged my kannushi to release me from my duties, to allow me to go back to teaching children.”
“So, you came back because he instructed you to carry on,” I said flatly. My disappointment was so deep I was drained of all other emotion. I stared at the beaten earth of the dojo and felt as if I had been beaten flat myself.
“No. The kannushi said it was my decision. That he would not make that decision for me. So, I came back to you. I could do nothing else. I could not stay away. But neither could I allow myself to tell you how I felt. I was a coward. I tried to seem cold toward you, to make it appear that I thought of you as a child, as nothing but my pupil. I was severe. I did not make any allowance for a single mistake. Did I make you hate me for it?”
Instead of answering his question, I said, “Anzu told me that you saw me as a wounded bird, something that needed to be cared for and protected. I thought she was mad. Was she?”
He exhaled sharply. “Anzu sees far more than I would ever have guessed. You didn’t believe her?”
“No. I thought she was imagining it.” I watched his face. Carefully. “Is that truly how you see me, Tengen? As an object of pity?”
“Would you ever allow anybody to pity you, Mi-chan?” There was warmth in his words, and I was tempted to smile as I shook my head. “Then you have answered your own question. When I first saw you, I was sorry that the paralysis of the morning had caused you so much harm. But after a while, I gave thanks for your illness.”
His words were deeply hurtful, so I responded angrily. “That’s more than I ever did.”
Tengen raised his hands, palms outward, in a gesture that said clearly, Wait, and I understood that he was searching for words. The right words. Finally, he said hesitantly, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean I wanted you to be hurt in any way. I would never want to see you suffer. But if you hadn’t been as you are—” Such a delicate way of phrasing it! “—then you would have been married to your betrothed and I would never have met you.”
“Then you would never have missed me.” I was still hurt and in no mood to make him feel better.
Tengen hung his head and spoke to the ground so softly that I had to strain to hear him.
“No. Had I never met you, I suppose I would have grown old and contented in the service of the Buddha. Never again would I have known the joy of loving a woman.”
Before this moment, I had never so much as flirted with a man. And now Tengen—Brother Tengen—was telling me he loved me. And I had no answer for him. Things had changed between us so swiftly, my mind was whirling. This was what I had longed for. Waited for. Yet, I had given no thought at all to what would come if the moment arrived. I was struck dumb and looked at him, silent and helpless.
As long as I could remember, I had longed for somebody to love me. To tell me they loved me. And now that the words had been said, I had no idea how I was supposed to respond. It was all so unfair!
“That is very kind,” I said lamely.
Tengen threw his head back and laughed. It was a rich sound, full of joy.
“Ah, Mi-chan. One day very soon you will be a grown woman. You will know how to answer a man when he says he loves you. I am glad you are not yet worldly enough to give a glib answer.”
I wasn’t sure if I had been insulted or complimented. I froze as Tengen reached out and stroked the side of my face with his fingertips. My cheek flamed under his touch. I forgot that I was terrified, that I had no idea what to do or say, and grabbed his hand, rubbing my face against it like an affectionate cat demanding to be stroked.
“I’m sorry,” I said absurdly.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. And I will make sure that does not change.” He took my fingers in his hand and kissed my fingertips. His lips were warm. Why, then, did I begin to shiver? I tried to tuck my withered leg beneath my skirts to hide it from his view.
“No, Mi-chan. It is part of you. Do not try to hide anything from me now.”
Tengen had seen my leg many times before, but only when he was trying to massage life back into the deformed limb. I felt that he had looked at it with the neutral gaze of a physician. Now, that had changed, and I did not want him to see its true ugliness.
“I hate it,” I blurted. “I have thought time and time again that I would be better off without it.”
“You would not,” Tengen said calmly. “Look at your leg, Mi-chan. Can you not see how much straighter it is now than when we started to treat it? Then, it was nothing but a scrap of flesh over bone. Now, it has muscles and is shapely. It is part of you, and so it cannot be anything but beautiful.”
To my horror, he bent down and kissed the crook of my knee.
Had he kissed my other leg, I would have taken great pleasure in it. As it was, my lips peeled back from my teeth in distaste.
“No,” I whispered. “It is withered like a bit of old firewood. It is so ugly, I don’t want to look at it myself.”
“It is part of you. It could never be ugly.”
Tengen ran his hand down my deformed leg and then began to rub it gently with his fingertips. With each stroke of his fingers, I felt warmth suffuse the limb. It was so pleasurable that I held my breath, wanting nothing to stop him from caressing me.
But he did. He took his hand away and slipped his arm around my shoulders. He sank to the ground and I went with him, willingly.
We were joined along the length of our bodies. Absurdly, I wished I was taller—even lying down, my head barely reached Tengen’s shoulder and I could not see his face. I badly wanted to see his expression, to read the truth or the lie in it, but for once my courage failed me and I spoke into his shoulder.
“Am I truly beautiful to you?” I asked softly. I held my breath, knowing I would hear the lie in his voice if it was there.
“You are beautiful, not just to me but to anybody who has eyes to see.” His fingers began to stroke my leg again. It was not at all as it had been when he massaged me. Then, his touch had been firm, as if he was pressing out creases in a robe. At this moment, I could barely feel the pressure of his fingers. His touch made my skin tingle. It was delightful.
“Have you heard of mizuage, Mi-chan? The traditional ceremony all maiko must go through before they can become geisha?”
I had, but I couldn’t understand why Tengen was talking about it now. No matter, I had no wish at all to distract him from touching me. It was wonderful. I was floating in an unruffled sea of pleasure. I made a noise of agreement, and he laughed softly, deep in his throat.
“Ah, but I doubt you will have heard what I am about to tell you. Before the mizuage ceremony can take place, the maiko’s aunty will have chosen a dana for her. A sophisticated older man who is rich enough to pay for the pleasure of taking the maiko for the first time.”
Tengen’s hand was circling higher and higher on my thigh. If he hadn’t been speaking to me so calmly, I would have been strung as tight as the strings on my biwa. As it was, I could at least pretend I understood what he was talking about.
“And what about the poor maiko? Does she have no choice but to have a stranger make love to her?” My voice trembled. I thought I must sound exactly like a maiko waiting for her first lover.
“She knows her dana, I promise you. She will have met him many times before that night.” His voice was lightly teasing. I shivered. “And she will know her lover-to-be intimately. Beginning seven days before they are united, her dana will visit her in her room. He will bring a raw egg with him each time. He will break the egg and eat the yolk, but he will take the white of the egg and massage it into his lover’s legs, starting here.” Tengen’s fingers made slow circles on my thigh, just above the knee. “Each day, her dana’s massage will get a little higher, as will his lover’s anticipation. By the last day, the maiko will welcome him into her embrace. And her dana will be so strong from eating so many egg yolks that he cannot fail to do her justice.”
I gasped as his fingertips brushed lightly against my inner thigh. This time, it was not accidental. He paused for a moment and then his fingers pattered back, light and gentle as a mouse. Only then did I realize that all the time he had been talking his hand had been moving higher and higher. I understood now why he was telling me about the mizuage ceremony. Had he not distracted me, I would have been wound so tightly I could never have welcomed his touch.
Tengen took his hand away and trickled his fingers up my stomach. It took him so long to undo my sash that I had to clench my hands into fists to stop from helping him. Had I not thought of the maiko enjoying her lingering courtship, I would have been unable to stop myself. Perhaps it was that thought, but for some reason it seemed important that I allowed him to take the initiative at this most delicate of moments.
My patience was rewarded. The intricate knot parted finally and Tengen pushed my robe to one side and lowered his head to my breast, teasing my nipples with his tongue.
I forgot about my deformed leg. Forgot that Tengen was a monk and that I had tempted him into wickedness. Forgot everything but my own need. I cried out loud and tugged at his robe, trying to peel it off his back. I needed to feel his flesh rubbing against me with nothing at all between us. A flash of insight stopped my fumbling fingers for a moment. Was that all it was? Or did a small part of me want to remove anything that reminded me that Tengen was not just a man, but also a monk?
Tengen drove all my fears away. He reared away from my body, clawing at his robes and throwing them aside as soon as they were loose. When he was naked, he lay against me, rubbing his body sinuously against my flesh.
It was more than I could stand. My body was screaming for him. I had never felt anything like this. Had no idea such strange needs could exist. I clawed at him, dragging his lean body closer to me.
He slid against me and I felt his tree rubbing against my belly. I had no idea what I should do and froze in misery, whimpering with distress at my lack of knowledge.
Tengen rubbed his lips against my ear, nibbling my neck. He stroked my breasts, my belly, waiting patiently until I relaxed. Only then did he part my black moss with his fingers, the movement so light and gentle that I barely felt it. But I did feel his tree sliding a little way into me, and then pausing. I had no idea why. Had I displeased him in some way? I melted with relief when he whispered,
“Mi-chan? Now?”
“Yes. Oh, yes!”
I had no idea what I was agreeing to, what I was asking for. Instinct ground the words from me. I felt a flash of pain that was more pleasure than hurt and all my fears left me as my bodily needs took over and I knew that this was right. Right for me, and right for Tengen.
I wanted to shout out with pleasure, but even though my mouth stretched wide, nothing came from between my lips except a sigh. Tengen was beginning to move faster, his movements jerky. It was exhilarating, but I knew he was moving toward his climax. I sank my nails into his back as my fists spasmed. He gave a groan that sounded as if it had been wrenched from deep inside him.
I clenched my thigh muscles tightly and found that at the same time my private parts gripped with them. Absurdly, the thought came to me that all the exercises Tengen had made me endure had been well worthwhile. Tengen grunted with surprise as I began to rock back and forth, all the time holding on to him so fiercely that he had to move to my rhythm.
I felt the fire beginning to burn in my belly and spread until my whole body was teetering on the edge of something I had never dreamed existed. Then my yonaki claimed me and waves of pleasure shook me, making my toes curl and my mouth open wide in a silent scream. From far, far away, I heard Tengen groan deeply and knew he was sharing my pleasure in his own body.
When I finally came back to my senses, I found Tengen had pulled my robe closed and was holding me against him. I was not tired but deeply relaxed.
“Mi-chan?” He spoke softly, close to my ear. “Have I hurt you? Are you…happy?”
I thought he sounded worried, almost frightened. I could not understand that. We had wasted so much time, but after what had finally taken place between us, how was it possible that he could be anything but as joyous as I was?
“I am happy,” I said simply and moved slightly away from him so I could see his face. There was a question I needed to be answered. And at this moment, I knew I would get an honest answer. “And you, Tengen? Have I made you happy?” I hesitated and then spoke quickly. “Do you have any regrets?”