Jake couldn’t believe how nervous he was about the prospect of telling a nearly six-year-old boy that he was his father. He’d had twenty-four hours to get used to the idea, but the truth was, he was terrified.
Moving into Patience’s apartment had been a spur-of-the-moment decision and one he knew would be the best thing for his son—even though the thought of being so close to Abby twenty-four-seven made him uneasy. But hearing T.J.’s delighted and animated reaction when he was told he would be living next door, more than compensated for any reluctance he was feeling.
“Mommy,” T.J. said as he pulled himself onto a counter stool in the kitchen. “Can Jake have dinner with us every night from now on?”
Abby met Jake’s gaze and then looked at their son. “We’ll see, okay?”
T.J. rattled the bags of takeout Jake had brought with him. “Now that everybody’s here, can we eat?”
Abby nodded, grabbed plates and quickly moved the food and dinnerware to the table. Jake listened as T.J. chatted through dinner, hearing stories about the upcoming concert at school, about when he wanted to have another snowboarding lesson, and how they could hang out all the time now that he would be living next door.
“So, Jake,” Patience Reed said once T.J. had left the kitchen to get his reading homework done. “Abby tells me you have a successful business back in Sacramento?”
“Yes,” he replied and explained briefly what he did. “I got a degree in software engineering while I was in the army and when I retired it kind of all came together. I was lucky to find a good business partner.”
“Yes,” the older woman said as Abby collected the plates. “A good partner is important in all aspects of life.”
He got her point, and wanted to tell her she was way off base. “Mrs. Reed, I—”
“Patience,” she corrected. “It’s probably time you called me that, don’t you think?”
“I guess so.”
“Gran,” Abby said, glancing toward the doorway. “Please don’t—”
“I’ll say this now, and not mention it again,” Patience said quietly. “You both need to get over this tension that’s between you. Because that little boy is smart and he’ll figure things out quickly. I know you’re angry,” she said and gestured toward Jake. “And you have reason to be. But,” she added and offered a supportive smile, “my great-grandson’s happiness is what matters most. And for him to be happy, the pair of you need to get along. Fake it if you have to,” she said and got to her feet. “But do it.”
Once she left and headed out the rear door, Jake stood up and moved toward the countertop. “She’s right.”
Abby stopped rattling dishes and looked at him. “Of course she’s right. That doesn’t make it any easier.”
“I guess not. Can I see him tomorrow?”
She nodded. “Of course. Same time. Only I’ll cook.”
Jake managed a tense smile. “I’ll just drop by his room and say good-night. See you tomorrow.”
Once he’d said good-night to T.J., Jake left Abby’s house and headed back to the hotel. He had a restless night, but looked forward to seeing his son. He didn’t stay for dinner again the following evening, but did hang out with T.J. for an hour. As always, T.J. was happy to see him, and he wondered if his son suspected that Jake was more than a simple friend. And more than anything, he hoped T.J. would be happy with the news that he was his dad.
On Thursday Jake moved into the apartment above Patience’s garage. It was a big space, with one large bedroom, a kitchen, combined living and dining room and a small bathroom. The place was newly renovated and more than adequate for his needs. The laundry was downstairs, which he didn’t mind, and Patience had agreed he could park his bike in the garage. The most important thing was that it was so close to his son.
His son...
Just thinking about it made him both ache inside and feel anxious. Particularly since he and Abby had agreed they would tell him on Thursday. Jake had arranged for his personal assistant, Roberta, a woman in her late-forties who’d been working for the company since he and Trent had started the business, to pack some of his belongings at his apartment and send them to Cedar River. He was making his latest trip up the stairs at the side of the garage with yet another box when his cell rang. Spotting Trent’s number on the screen, he answered.
“Did you get your stuff?” Trent asked.
“Yes, say thank you again to Roberta.”
“How long are you staying?” his friend queried.
“Indefinitely at this stage.”
His friend and partner knew the whole story, from his brother’s accident and why he’d returned in the first place, to why he was now staying, and in the past couple of days they had discussed ways for them to still run the business from a distance. They were both prepared to give it a shot for the moment, trying out the arrangement for a few months, and considering how easily he’d facilitated the contract for the O’Sullivan Hotel, neither imagined they’d run into any problems. The main thing was, Jake was planning on staying in Cedar River. At this stage, permanently.
His family had taken the news about T.J.’s paternity with a varying degree of responses. Mitch was naturally annoyed by Abby’s deception and cautioned Jake to take things slowly, but mostly they were all delighted by the idea of having a nephew to dote on. He discovered that Ellie wasn’t all that surprised and muttered something about them having the same name, something she’d discreetly questioned T.J. about during the sleepover after the wedding.
“Good luck,” Trent said.
“Yeah,” Jake said and chuckled wryly. “I’m gonna need it.”
Jake ended the call and spotted Abby and T.J. at the bottom of the stairs. She wore jeans and high boots, a bright purple sweater, and a white wool jacket with matching beanie and scarf and looked so damned beautiful the air rushed through his lungs like wind. And then he cursed himself for being so predictable. He’d been fighting his attraction for her all week, using his resentment to fuel his anger, but keeping his feelings in check so that T.J. wouldn’t pick up on any tension between them. The last thing he wanted was for his son to suspect they were in the middle of a silent war. Because that’s what it felt like. And crazily, it was rougher than any real war zone he’d been in. He wanted to hate her so much he could taste it. But he couldn’t. And that was the damnable misery of it. Which helped with his resentment, of course, and amplified the self-loathing he was experiencing. The truth was, they’d barely spoken two words all week. She’d tried a few times while he’d been visiting with T.J., but Jake was so freaking mad he barely responded, figuring that at this stage silence was better than all-out confrontation. Or maybe they needed an argument to help him get the frustration out of his system. And sure, Patience’s warning was never far from his thoughts. He knew he had to get his act together—but he was so damned hurt by Abby’s betrayal, he could barely think straight.
“I need to go into town for a few things,” she said, looking up at him. “Can you watch T.J.?”
Jake nodded. “Of course.”
His son quickly raced up the stairs, and Jake experienced an unfamiliar sensation in the center of his chest. Joy, he thought absently. Knowing how much T.J. was pleased by the idea of spending time with him.
They’d been moving and unpacking boxes for about twenty minutes, with T.J. chatting on about school and how he was looking forward to snowboarding again that weekend. There was something infectious about his little-boy laugh, and Jake couldn’t help but marvel at how incredible he was. He was smart and had a natural curiosity about things and was always asking questions.
“Jake?”
Jake was under the desk in the corner of the living room, plugging in the small printer to finish off the nook as his office, when he spotted T.J. standing at his side. “Yes, buddy,” he said and continued with the task.
“Are you my daddy?”
Jake jerked and hit his head on the underside of the desk, cursing silently as he quickly shifted position and sat up. T.J. was regarding him thoughtfully, his head to one side, biting his lower lip exactly as his mother often did.
“Ah...what makes you think that?” he asked, barely able to breath.
T.J. met his gaze. “Because Mommy said I looked like my daddy. But my angel daddy had red hair and freckles and I don’t. I have brown hair and no freckles,” he said and reached out, threading his small fingers through Jake’s hair for a moment. “Like you.”
Jake took a breath, considered the importance of the moment and knew he wasn’t in a position to lie or make excuses or be evasive. In a perfect situation, he and Abby should have been telling him together. But it wasn’t a perfect situation. And his son—this beautiful child who needed him to be worthy of being his father—deserved the truth.
“Yes,” he said quietly, grasping T.J.’s hand. “I am.”
T.J.’s eyes widened. “Like...you’re really my daddy?”
Jake nodded again. “That’s right. Is that okay?”
Jake watched, fascinated as his son considered the news, anticipating more questions, more query and explanation. But T.J. only smiled and then unexpectedly threw himself against Jake, wrapping small arms around his neck. As the shock subsided, Jake experienced something...a feeling completely new to him, one that threatened to rock him to the soles of his feet and the core of his very being. His chest tightened, and suddenly it was impossible to breathe. His eyes burned, his ribs hurt and everything he’d imagined he would feel spectacularly disappeared, and he experienced an acute and intense surge of love and affection for the little boy who was clinging so joyously to him. He blinked away the heat in his eyes and hugged him back, all his fear disappearing, because T.J. made it so easy.
“I’m so lucky,” T.J. said happily. “I have an angel daddy and you, Jake.”
Jake swallowed hard, fighting back emotion. “You certainly do.”
They talked for a while, with his son bouncing out questions about all the things they could do, all the places they could go. T.J. didn’t ask any difficult questions, about Tom, or his mom, or about why Jake hadn’t been around, but he suspected they would come. When Abby returned about an hour later, the first thing T.J. did was race to the door to greet her and make the big announcement.
“Mommy, Mommy, Jake’s my daddy!”
Jake was by the door in a few seconds and caught her frown. “How about you let Mommy come inside out of the cold.”
He stood aside and let his mother pass, then gave them a quizzical look. “I’m gonna go and tell Great-Gran. Is that okay, Mommy?”
He saw Abby nod vaguely, and once T.J. was down the stairs, Jake spoke. “Before you react and start blaming me for overstepping, I didn’t tell him, he asked me.”
She sighed and wrapped her arms around herself. “Well, like Gran said, he’s smart, so it’s not entirely unexpected. He’s been asking a lot of questions the last couple of weeks. About having a father. About Tom. About you. He’s never had a man in his sphere other than his teachers and soccer coach. I guess he just connected all the dots and figured it out. Did he ask you why—”
“Why I’ve been missing from his life for the past six years?” Jake said, cutting her off, trying to push back his frustration, and failing. “Not yet, but I don’t doubt those questions will come at some point. I’m sure he’ll have some for you, too.”
She nodded, her eyes so bright he could have sworn they glistened with tears and then hated how that made him feel. He didn’t want to feel empathy toward Abby. He didn’t want to feel anything. It was too hard. He wanted to stay mad—to compartmentalize his feelings. That way, he didn’t have to revisist how he really felt about Abby.
“He looked so happy. I’m really pleased that he’s become attached to you, Jake. He’s been wanting this for such a long time.”
She was being completely reasonable, and it irritated him to no end. “Better late than never, right?”
Her eyes flashed for a microsecond, but then reasonable, accommodating Abby was back. “I need to go into Rapid City on Saturday to do some Christmas shopping, so if you want to have T.J. for the day, you can. I think he’s looking forward to another snowboarding lesson.”
He nodded. “Sure.”
She half smiled and looked around. “It’s nice in here. Gran had it renovated earlier this year. It was a sensible idea for you to move in.”
He laughed humorlessly. “Give me a break, Abby. I know you’d prefer me to stay at the hotel or, I suspect, go back to Sacramento.”
“That’s not true,” she refuted hotly.
“Isn’t it?” he queried. “Wouldn’t you like your life to return to the secretive and uncomplicated one you had before I came back to town?”
She plonked her hands on her hips. “I want him to have a relationship with you, Jake. He’s the most important thing in the world to me, and his happiness is my priority. Perhaps my past actions haven’t made that apparent, but I’m trying to make amends to T.J....and to you.”
Jake waved an impatient hand. “Okay, you’ve made your point. You’ll be as obliging as possible to make up for denying me the right to know my son for the past six years.”
Her eyes brightened instantly, and she swallowed hard. “You’re looking for an argument, but I’m not going to give you one.”
He knew she was right to say it and also knew that Abby could read his moods. Despite the years they’d been apart, their connection was still strong.
“I’m trying, Abby,” he admitted and exhaled. “But this situation is hard to make right in my mind. And for the record, I didn’t plan on telling T.J. I was his father without you being here. It just sort of happened. He asked me and I...” His words trailed off for a moment, and then he quickly refocused. “I owed him the truth.” She nodded. “I understand. Sometimes parenting is about improvising. I do it all the time. I’ll see you later.”
She left the apartment, and once she was down the stairs, Jake expelled a long breath. He was right about his motives—imagining that arguing with her was at least better than the neutrality he’d struggled to endure over the last few days. And not that he had any intention of arguing with Abby in front of their son...but he was struggling with his anger and resentment and was desperately trying to figure out what he was feeling.
And obviously failing.
When T.J. returned to his apartment, he was carrying his electronic tablet and insisted on playing a game with Jake before dinner. They hung out together for a while, then at five thirty, he walked T.J. home. Abby was in the kitchen, steaming jars he suspected were for the holiday jelly his son had said she made every Christmas. She looked up and offered a tight smile, telling T.J. to get washed up for dinner. Once their son left the room, she spoke again.
“What are your holiday plans?”
Jake rested his hands on the countertop. “There’ll be a shindig of some sort at the ranch. And I would like to spend some time with T.J. while he’s off from school. You?”
“If I’m not working, Gran and I usually go to Florida to spend it with my mom.”
Jake’s insides twitched. “You do?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“And this year?”
She shrugged a little and waved a hand. “Well, of course I won’t be going this year, as I’m sure T.J. will want to spend some time with you.”
“I appreciate that.”
God, they were so sweetly polite to one other at times it made his teeth ache.
“Would you like to stay for dinner?”
Jake’s auto response was to refuse, but the idea of spending more time with T.J. appealed to him. And he was hungry. And he did like Abby’s cooking.
And as much as he hated to admit it, he was getting tired of being alone with his thoughts and resentment.
He nodded. “Thank you. Can I help?”
She pushed the breadboard, sourdough loaf and knife across the counter. “You can cut.”
He did the task quickly and tried not to look at her. Tried not to think about how the scent of her perfume or the way her hair flicked over her shoulders when she moved. When T.J. returned to the kitchen it got a little easier, and he was able to concentrate on their son, helping him toss the salad his mother had made.
“When I grow up I’m gonna be a chef like like mommy,” T.J. said as Jake passed him a wedge of tomato. “Or a soldier, like my daddy.”
Jake caught Abby’s startled expression. Because he knew, without a doubt, that the last thing Abby would want is for T.J. to have a military career.
“You know,” Jake said and gently smoothed a hand over his son’s head. “I’m not a soldier any more. Now I work with computers. You like computers, right?”
T.J.’s interest was quickly diverted and he began chatting about his gaming console. Jake met Abby’s gaze, saw relief and a hint of gratitude in her expression, which helped alleviate the tension between them.
Once dinner was over and T.J. was bathed and wearing his pajamas, he insisted Jake tuck him in for the night. He sat on the edge of the bed, reading from his son’s favorite dinosaur book, and admired how Abby had decorated the room so lovingly. With the mobiles hanging from the ceiling and the duvet with cars printed on it, it was very much a place for a child to feel loved and safe.
“Jake?” T.J. said once the story was finished and he was tucked warmly beneath the covers.
“Yes?”
His son bit his lower lip for moment, then spoke. “Can I call you Daddy now?”
Jake’s throat tightened with emotion, and his eyes burned. “Of course you can.”
T.J. nodded, then smiled sleepily and closed his eyes. “Good night, Daddy.”
“’Night, buddy.”
When Jake returned to the kitchen, Abby was at the table folding laundry. He watched her for a moment, noticing the tiny furrow between her brows as she concentrated on the task, and then wondered why he couldn’t control the crazy way his heart hammered behind his ribs when she was near. The physical connection between them defied his determination to stop thinking about her as anything other than the mother of his son. He didn’t want to want her. In fact, he’d spent the past few days foolishly talking himself into loathing her...or at least trying to.
“Abby?”
She looked up and met his gaze. “Is he asleep?”
Jake nodded and took a breath. “I want...” He stopped, reevaluating his words. “I’d like for T.J. to have my last name. Is that something you would consider?”
“Of course,” she said and nodded.
Her quick compliance surprised him. “Just like that?”
“Well, I suppose we should have some kind of transition period,” she replied. “I’ve expected it. And I think T.J. will want it.”
“You know people will talk?”
She nodded. “People always talk. I’m not blind to what it will mean for him. For us, too. Change, certainly. And probably idle gossip. But also the chance to be a part of your family. Your brothers and sister are good people, Jake, I have no hesitation in wanting T.J. to be a part of that. Your family has lived in this town for generations, and they are an important part of Cedar River’s history. I want my son to know that he’s a part of that legacy.”
It sounded too good to be true. Abby was saying exactly what he wanted to hear. And they both knew it. It couldn’t last, he was sure. At some point, Abby was going to object to one of his demands and set boundaries.
“We need to set up a parenting schedule,” he said quietly.
Her eyes narrowed. “Ah...okay. Although you can see T.J. anytime you want to.”
“I was thinking of something a little more formal,” he said and rested one shoulder against the doorjamb.
“Formal,” she echoed and stopped folding clothes. “You mean like a custody arrangement?”
“Exactly.”
She was silent for a moment and pressed a hand down on the pile of clothes. “I’m not sure I see why that’s necessary.”
“Necessary?” he queried and pushed himself off the door. “You kept my son a secret for six years, Abby, so I’m not sure I can trust you not to disappear into the night with him for another six years.”
Abby had been expecting the hard conversations. And even this one, she supposed. Jake had the right to question her intentions, but it hurt that he still didn’t trust her and saddened her to think they had such a huge divide between them.
“This town is my home,” she assured him tightly. “And T.J.’s home. This is where he feels safe and loved. If I wanted to hide him from the world, I would have stayed in Denver and raised him there. But I didn’t. I came back to Cedar River because I love this town.
“Nice speech,” he shot back. “But Abby, you’ve already lied to me for six years, so I’m not sure what to believe.”
Her hurt returned. A bone-deep, heart-wrenching hurt that had been consuming her for days. Of course, she knew Jake had every right to question her motives, and to be angry. But it still made her ache inside knowing he thought so badly of her.
“You can believe me now, Jake,” she assured him.
“I want to,” he said and sighed heavily. “For our son’s sake.”
The mood between them didn’t shift for the following couple of days, but they did manage to settle into a routine of sorts. On Saturday, Abby headed into Rapid City to do some Christmas shopping with Patience and Annie, and T.J. stayed at home with his father. Hanging out with Jake, it seemed, had become her son’s favorite thing to do in the whole world. To say her friend was shocked to discover the truth of T.J.’s paternity was an understatement. Patience headed off to the local department store, leaving Abby and Annie to take a break at a nearby café.
“So, what about you and Jake?” Annie asked over cake and coffee.
“There is no me and Jake,” she said flatly.
“But I thought, after the wedding, you know...you guys...”
“It was just sex,” she admitted and ached all over thinking about it.
“To him?” Annie said and raised a brow. “Or to you?”
“I’m not going to waste time imagining that Jake and I are going to have some romantic happily-ever-after,” she said and sighed. “He’s T.J.’s father, and that’s all. Besides, he’s made it very clear what he thinks of me for not telling him about T.J.”
“He has a point, though,” Annie said frankly. “I mean, you did keep it a secret.”
“No one ever asked,” she said. “People assumed he was Tom’s and I—”
“I get it, Abby,” Annie said gently. “You felt like you were backed into a corner and couldn’t explain. It’s not so hard to understand.”
“It is for Jake,” she remarked and sipped her coffee.
“He’s reacting because he’s in the middle of something that’s completely out of his control. Give him time. I’m sure he’ll come around and understand your reasons.”
Abby wasn’t so sure. The past couple of days had been difficult ones. Of course, T.J. was happier than she had ever seen him, and Abby was delighted her son had a father to call his own. When Jake wasn’t around, T.J. talked about him constantly. And Tom, too. Abby answered as truthfully as she could, gently explaining the difference between his angel daddy and his real daddy and he seemed to accept her explanation. However, witnessing the affection growing between them only amplified the guilt she felt knowing she was responsible for keeping them apart for so long. And guilt was a harsh companion. It weakened her defenses against her feelings for Jake and made loving him acutely painful. Of course, he could never know she still loved him. That would only add humiliation to her already fragile emotions.
By the time she pulled into the driveway that afternoon, it was past two o’clock. She left her packages in the car, since she knew T.J. would begin questioning who they were for the moment she got them into the house. Although he was an incredibly curious and smart child, he still believed in the magic of Christmas and Santa Claus, and she wanted him to hold on to those beliefs as long as he could. She heard the television as soon she opened the front door, but she was drawn to the sound of voices coming from the kitchen. She was down the hall and about to turn the corner when T.J.’s voice stopped her in her tracks.
“Daddy, why didn’t you come back and be my daddy a long time ago?”
There was a long silence, and she remained behind the kitchen doorway, conscious that she was in the middle of a private conversation between father and son. Of course, she knew T.J. would ask difficult questions. But she didn’t know how Jake would answer them.
“Because I didn’t know about you,” Jake replied quietly.
“But why?”
Because your mom never told me you existed...
“Because I had to go away, and no one knew where I was,” he said, and she heard the clink of cutlery. “I was a soldier, very far away. Remember how we talked about that the other day? And I was a long way from here.”
“Why didn’t Mommy call you? Don’t soldiers have phones, Daddy?”
Jake cleared his throat a little. “Of course,” he replied. “But your mommy didn’t have my phone number.”
Relief pitched in her chest. And something else. Gratitude. It would be easy for Jake to make her out as the bad guy, to blame her, to give her the responsibility of explaining the real truth to their son.
“But Mommy could have tried, couldn’t she?” T.J. asked relentlessly.
“No, she couldn’t,” Jake said quietly. “Mommy had to spend all her time looking after you, because you’re the most important person in the world to her.”
T.J. took a few seconds, then spoke again. “I wish Mommy had your phone number, Daddy, because then you would have known I was here the whole time.”
“Well, I’m here now, buddy.”
“Forever?”
“Yes,” Jake said, and Abby swallowed the lump burning in her throat. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m glad. You know, once Mommy couldn’t find a phone number and she looked in the big book that Great-Gran has, the one with all the numbers in it.”
The simplicity of T.J.’s reasoning was impossible to ignore, and an all-too-familiar guilt pressed down on Abby’s shoulders. She took a breath, waiting for Jake’s response, feeling like an intruder as she listened on the sidelines but was unable to drag herself away.
“If Mommy had any way of telling me, she would have,” Jake assured their son. “But it’s not Mommy’s fault, okay? It’s all my fault I didn’t come back sooner. Can you forgive me?”
Abby’s throat burned, and she pressed back against the wall, breathing heavily. She gathered her composure and walked back down the hall, opening the front door loudly. She heard footsteps racing from the kitchen, and T.J. was quickly in front of her.
“Mommy! Mommy! Daddy and me had the best time ever today!”
Abby hugged him close, looking up briefly to see Jake standing in the hallway. “You did? That’s wonderful. Do you think you could go and read in your room for a while so that I can talk to your dad about a few things?”
Her son looked reflective for a moment, then nodded. “Sure, Mommy. Are you looking for a place to hide my Christmas presents?”
She grinned. “Nope, they’re already hidden. Only Santa knows where they are.”
“Not Daddy?” he asked and frowned.
“Well, yes, Daddy too,” she corrected, knowing how important it was for Jake to be included within the frame of their son’s reasoning.
Once he was out of sight, Abby looked back toward Jake. “Can we go into the living room to talk?”
He nodded and followed her into the front room, waiting while she half closed the door. “What did you want to talk about?” he asked.
“About T.J. He’s so happy at the moment. Thank you, Jake,” she said and swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat. “For being everything that he’d hoped for.”
Jake’s eyes glittered brilliantly. “He’s a wonderful child, Abby. You’ve done an amazing job raising him alone.”
“I had help,” she admitted and shrugged. “Gran was always here to help me, and I’ve had great friends, too. But I appreciate your confidence in my parenting, although it hasn’t always been easy.” She hesitated. “There’s a Christmas concert at his school next week, and there’s also a teacher/parent meeting coming up in a few weeks. I’ll let you know the date so you can be there if you want to.”
“Yes, I would,” he said quietly. “I’d really love to be there for both. It’s obvious that he’s smart and that he requires more academic stimulation than most six-year-olds.”
“He does,” she agreed and drew in a breath. “And thank you for what you said.”
“What I said? About what?”
“I mean, what you didn’t say,” she corrected. “I heard you earlier, when T.J. was asking why you haven’t been in his life. I know you could have said something very different. I appreciate how you—”
“Anything I said,” he said quietly, “I said for my son’s sake. He doesn’t need to know the details. And he certainly doesn’t need to think badly of his mother. I’m not that petty, Abby. The fact is, I’m very proud to be his father and plan to do a much better job than my own ever did.”
“I know you will.”
He stared at her, going deep into her eyes, into that place she’d always saved for only him. She saw so much in his gaze—anger, resentment, bitterness, betrayal, disbelief—so many emotions she knew he had every right to feel. But it still hurt. And she saw something else, too. The awareness that still throbbed between them. It would never wane, she was certain. It had been set ablaze when they were sixteen, and nothing would dilute their attraction for one another.
Finally he spoke again. “Why did you do it?”
Abby twisted her hands tightly together. “I told you why. I was confused and didn’t know how to find you and—”
“Not that,” he rasped, waving an impatient hand. “Why did you marry Tom? Why the hell did you marry my best friend?”
Abby gasped, and the real truth teetered on the edge of her tongue. “Because I... I wanted to...”
“You wanted to what?” he demanded.
Abby swallowed hard and shuddered. “I wanted to punish you for leaving me.”
His gaze narrowed, and he made a scoffing sound. “Well, you certainly realized your ambition.”
“I was so young, and I blamed you for not staying.”
“I told you why I had to leave,” he shot back. “I didn’t want to end up like my father.”
“You wouldn’t have,” she said quickly.
“You sure about that?” he queried. “I was angry and hotheaded back then. I hated my old man and everything he stood for. I had the devil on my back, Abby, and I knew the only way to ditch that devil was to live a life that was structured and disciplined. I knew the military would channel all that rage into something else. Because of what happened to your dad, I thought you’d understand.”
“Because of my dad,” she entreated, “I didn’t understand at all. I knew the risks, Jake, better than anyone. What if something had happened to you? What if you were injured, or worse? I knew I didn’t have the strength for any more loss. I didn’t want to be a soldier’s wife. A soldier’s widow. I didn’t want my children to be without a father.”
“And yet, ironically,” he said, his mouth tightening, “our son has been without his father for nearly the first six years of his life. Don’t you think the odds would have been better if you stuck with us back when we were young?”
“Maybe,” she admitted. “But I wanted—”
“To punish me?” he repeated her words as though they injured him to his very core.
“I’m not proud of my behavior.”
“I hear you, Abby. I’m smart enough to figure out that I’m not exactly blameless in this...but I still have a hard time understanding. The truth is, at the time I was sure that you’d find a way to be okay with me enlisting and then we’d get back together. But no...you took off to Paris with Tom.”
“You told Tom you were okay with us getting married.”
“What the hell did you expect me to say?” he demanded, running a hand over his face. “I was being deployed, and two days before, I get a call from Tom asking me be the best man at his wedding to my ex-girlfriend. Of course I wasn’t okay with it,” he said, clearly frustrated. “I’m still not okay with you ditching me and then jumping into Tom’s bed while I was at boot camp. I’m not okay with you marrying my best friend. And I’m not okay with you keeping my son’s existence a secret for the last six years!”
He took a long breath, dragging air into his lungs, glaring at her. It was the first time he’d mentioned his feelings about her marrying Tom. Back then, she’d simply accepted his response as a man who no longer cared. But had she been wrong? She’d convinced herself he’d fallen out of love with her, choosing the military over their relationship, over her. It never occurred to her that he had still cared. If he had, he would have fought harder. And he wouldn’t have enlisted in the first place.
“I didn’t think you cared,” she admitted hollowly.
He stared at her. “Seriously? Back in high school, we were as close as two people could be. When Hank had his accident, and when Billie-Jack left town and everything was turning to crap and family services was threatening to tear my family apart, you are what kept me sane. You kept me from allowing my hatred for Billie-Jack to consume me. You made it bearable. You were unfailingly supportive and always there when I needed you. And then you weren’t,” he added humorlessly. “And somehow, you ended up falling for my best friend and then marrying him.”
“I thought we were over...”
“Over?” he laughed. “We have a child down the hall. We’ll never be over, Abby.”
They were close, barely a foot apart, and she felt the intensity of his frustration vibrating through her. Instinct made her reach out and rest a palm against his chest. His heart thundered beneath his rib cage, and she sucked in some air, trying to calm herself, trying to ease the turmoil racing through them both. And then, without another word, she was against him and his arms moved around her waist.
“I shouldn’t have married Tom,” she whispered, reaching up to touch his face.
His eyes bored into hers. “No, you shouldn’t have.”
He kissed her hotly, like they’d been starved of one another for an age. Abby pressed against him, running her hands up his strong back, feeling his muscles bunch, drawing the tension in his body deep into her fingertips. His tongue was in her mouth and she took it eagerly, feeling desire wind through her blood, knowing it was madness, knowing they both were kissing against their will. But the feelings between them were stronger than the resistance, more powerful than any bitterness or recrimination.
He finally pulled back, breaking the kiss, breathing hard, his gaze boring into her, but he still held her in his arms. “I have to... I need to stop wanting you.”
Why?
The word stayed on the edge of her tongue, but she longed to ask it, even though she knew the answer. T.J. Their attraction for one another was muddying the waters, and she knew Jake didn’t want to be derailed in his determination to be a good father to their son.
“Then stop,” she said quietly and pulled away, putting space between them, knowing she was as caught up in desire and attraction as he was.
Quicksand...
Gran was right. Jake would always be the one man she couldn’t resist.
And the only man she would ever love.