Dear Diary,
I worked so hard to put that life of degradation behind me and now my efforts have been for nought. My world is crashing down around me. My beautiful sister—gone. She was the only person who believed in me, who loved me, faults and all. How can I cope without her? Who will help me bear my shame?
Ben, dear Ben. He’s always been there for me, to help me fight the fight. But is it fair to burden him with my troubles? After all, he battles his own demons through the long and lonely nights.
I pray for strength and courage to stand tall, to hold my head high. I have done much to be proud of—and I am. But every now and then, I am reminded of my shortcomings, of the girl I used to be and despite everything—my efforts, my determination to remain clean—I am back there again, amidst the filth and sordidness; I am that no-good poor white trash girl again.
How can I expect anyone to love me, when I cannot love myself?
* * *
Dani heard the knock on the door and rushed over to open it. Ben stood on the other side, his face filled with concern. At the sight of him, her courage failed and she threw herself in his arms.
“Ben! Oh, Ben! Thank you for coming.”
His arms came around her and he held her close, murmuring words of comfort against her hair. Closing the door behind them, he took off his coat and led her to the couch. Spying the bottle of whisky, he came to a sudden halt.
The heat of shame burned a path across her cheeks. “I-I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I… I didn’t open it. I swear.”
The look he threw her was filled with compassion and understanding and not an ounce of judgement. It brought a fresh bout of tears to her eyes.
“It’s all right, Dani,” he said gently. “I believe you. I’m so glad you called me when you did.”
“I… I didn’t know what else to do. It’s been so long since I was in this position… Desperate and terrified.”
Ben took her hand and squeezed it. “Come on,” he said. “Talk to me.” Together, they lowered themselves to the couch.
Brushing the tears away, Dani leaned back against the faux leather with a heavy sigh.
“What’s going on, Dani?” Ben asked gently. “What brought this on?”
She bit her lip against a surge of pain and sat up straighter, determined to talk it out. She’d phoned Ben so that he could help her. She had to let him do what he did best.
“It’s Jett Craigdon,” she whispered.
Ben frowned. “The detective?”
“Yes. He was here. We…talked. I… I really like him.”
Ben stared at her in surprise. “You mean like, in a romantic way?”
Dani nodded.
“Wow,” Ben exclaimed. “How did that happen?”
Dani shrugged and stared at her hands where they were clasped together in her lap. “I don’t know. He’s physically attractive, of course, but that’s not what drew him to me. He’s so good and kind and…wonderful. He understands me.”
“I thought he was investigating the murder of your sister and niece? I didn’t realize the two of you had connected on a deeper level.”
“It just kind of…happened,” Dani admitted. “It wasn’t exactly planned. We met to talk over the case. Things just went from there.”
“I saw Franklin’s arrest on the news,” Ben murmured. “The police think he did it.”
A surge of resignation went through her and she bowed her head under the weight of it. “Yes.”
In quiet tones, she recounted Jett’s theory and what the police had found. And then she told him about the lab test and how she’d repeated it and discovered the truth.
Ben shook his head in shock. His tone reflected his sadness. “What a waste! To think he killed her in a jealous rage and the test result wasn’t even true.” He looked at Dani. “Have you told him yet?”
She shook her head. “No.”
“He was released on bail about fifteen minutes ago. I heard it on the radio on my way over.”
Dani absorbed the news without reaction. It didn’t come as a surprise. She wondered if he’d gone back to his condominium and guessed that he probably had. After all, where else would he go?
“You’ve had a tough time of things, lately, Dani,” Ben said quietly. “Is that the reason for the scotch?”
She looked at the bottle. “Yes. No. What I mean is, I guess it had something to do with the scotch, but tonight was all about Jett. And my past. And the knowledge that I’m falling in love with him. It terrifies me. I don’t know what to do.”
It was a relief to say it out loud, to share her burden with someone else. Ben regarded her solemnly.
“What is it about falling in love that terrifies you?”
Impatience surged through her and she cast around for the right words, trying to make him understand.
“It isn’t the falling in love bit, so much; it’s the fact I’m falling in love with Jett. He comes from a fine upstanding family. He was raised in the Catholic faith. He’s still a virgin, for goodness sake! How can I hope to measure up to that? You know about my family. You know about my past. You helped me drag myself out of it, remember?”
“Of course I remember,” Ben replied, his voice annoyingly calm. “Just like I remember how hard you fought to put it all behind you.” He turned to her, his eyes bright. “And you have, Dani. You have. Nobody could argue with that. If this detective’s worth even a fraction of you, he’ll see that.”
“You don’t understand,” she argued. “It isn’t him I’m concerned about. It’s his family. When they find out who I was, what I was, where I came from… They won’t want to have anything to do with me, least of all with me dating their son.” She lifted her gaze to his and swiped angrily at her tears. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Have you talked to Jett about it?”
Dani nodded. “He said it didn’t matter. That my past was my past. But he’s not right. It will matter! It will matter to his family and then it will mean something to him. It’s only a matter of time. And then it will become this thing between us.”
“How does he feel about you, Dani? Does he love you?”
She shrugged, uncomfortable. “I’m not sure. Maybe.”
“So he hasn’t said the words?”
“No, but neither have I.”
“Well, whether he loves you or not, he cares for you. Of that I have no doubt.”
“What makes you say that?” she asked, curious.
“You said he told you your past doesn’t matter. Do you think he was sincere?”
Dani thought about it. “Yes, only he doesn’t know what will happen when his family finds out. They don’t know me. I’m sure they won’t be so quick to discount what I’ve done, how I lived.”
“You’re right,” Ben agreed, “and a lot of boyfriends wouldn’t be able to discount it. The fact your detective has been able to do it so easily tells me a lot more than words about what kind of a man he is and how much he cares.”
Silence fell between them. Dani was lost in her thoughts. Was she brave enough to take the chance and find out if she and Jett had what it takes to make the distance?
Ben squeezed her hand and stood. He picked up the bottle of Johnnie Walker and strode across to the small kitchen. He opened the bottle and poured it into the sink until every last drop of whisky had gurgled down the drain. He looked over at Dani.
“You don’t need alcohol, Dani. You’re so much stronger than that. What you need is to believe in yourself, in the good person you’ve become. This detective sees your specialness and wants to be part of it. You owe it to yourself to take the risk and see where all this might lead. If his family reject you, then that’s their loss. You need to look past that. If Jett Craigdon really loves you, his family’s opinion won’t matter.”
“How can you say that?” Dani cried, coming up off the couch. “You don’t know him, or how much he adores his family. He has five siblings, for goodness sake! He could tell me the age of every one of them and what they were doing with their lives. He spoke about them with genuine love and respect. His family means everything to him.”
“And yet, he cares for you and has openly put himself out there. He’s a smart man. He must know your past isn’t what his parents would necessarily want in a daughter-in-law, but guess what? They’re his parents. He knows them better than you. It’s my guess they’ll open their hearts to you, just like he has.”
Ben came around the kitchen counter and didn’t pull up until they were almost nose to nose. “Are you going to walk away from an opportunity of a lifetime?” he asked. “This man cares for you. He knows about your past. You’ve told me how good and kind and wonderful he is. Are you prepared to let your fear get in the way of what could be the best thing that ever happened to you?”
Dani stared at him in silence, still struggling with the notion that what Ben said was true. With a muffled oath, Ben ran a hand through his hair and turned away, his frustration evident.
“Do you know what I’d give to find someone who cared for me like that?” he asked, spinning back around to face her. “Someone who knew all my dirty secrets and yet wanted to be with me? You don’t know what kind of rare gift you’ve been given, Dani. Please, don’t screw it up.”
Dani’s jaw dropped open in surprise. She didn’t know much about Ben’s past. In the early days, when they were getting to know each other, he’d hinted at a family as dysfunctional as hers, but he never seemed inclined to talk about himself and she respected him enough not to pry.
Now, she couldn’t help but wonder what had brought him to the point where he found himself on the doorstep of an AA meeting. From the closed look on his face, now wasn’t the time to ask if he was ready to share.
Moving toward him, she came to a stop in front of him. In silence, she put her arms around him and hugged him. For an instant, he resisted her efforts to pull him close, but then he relaxed against her. They stood together, each taking comfort from the other, grateful for the support.
A long while later, Ben pulled away. He surreptitiously swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand and then hunted around for his coat.
“It’s way past late, Dani. I have to get going. I have court in the morning. I’m the duty lawyer with a list as long as my arm and Judge Bridges waits for no one.” He gave her a small smile.
“Thank you for coming, Ben. You don’t know how much it means to have your support. Here,” she said, collecting his coat from the back of the couch and handing it to him. “Let me walk you out.”
* * *
Jett tapped the steering wheel of his Jeep with impatience as he waited for the light to change. He’d almost made it back to his apartment, when he decided to turn around. He wasn’t prepared to walk out on Dani without talking things through. His parents had raised him not to let the sun go down on an argument and their wisdom now rang true.
It was obvious he and Dani had a connection and he knew she felt it as strongly as he. The way she’d made love to him with her lips and tongue… It was the most magical night of his life. He’d bared his soul to her—his Catholic faith, his set of beliefs that many would have found comical and old fashioned—and yet, she’d accepted them without a qualm; had even encouraged him to uphold them when he’d been sorely tempted to set them aside.
And then the beautiful woman before him, the woman who had captured his heart, turned him away on the grounds she wasn’t good enough for him. It was bullshit and he intended to make that clear. He didn’t care if she refused to listen. He’d stand outside the door of her bedsit and tell her at the top of his voice. He’d wake the neighbors; he’d upset the dogs; he’d do whatever it took because he was in love with Danielle Porter and she was in love with him. At least, he hoped so.
The traffic light finally turned green and he stepped hard on the gas. The Jeep leaped forward, as if sensing his eagerness. It was now going on eleven, but what did time matter in situations such as these? If he went home and let things be, no doubt she’d be even harder to convince in the morning.
He understood her concerns. They were two people who came from miles apart. Literally and figuratively. He’d been raised in comfort and security near the beach in Sydney’s sought-after eastern suburbs. She’d come from the west, with barely a penny to her name and not only poor, but poor in spirit, with parents who didn’t deserve the name.
But none of that mattered to him and he knew it wouldn’t matter to his family. They were Christians in name and in nature. There was always forgiveness in their hearts. They’d meet Dani and they’d love her as surely as he did and it wouldn’t matter about her past. He need only convince her and all would be well.
He turned into her street and his heart leaped in anticipation. Lights still shone in her front windows. Pulling up to the curb outside her house, he switched off the ignition and went to climb out.
Movement snagged his attention. He squinted into the darkness. The silhouettes of a man and a woman were outlined against the porch light of her house. He heard the murmur of voices, of soft laughter and then finally, the couple kissed. Slowly, lovingly, like they were reluctant to part. He stared harder. Something about them was familiar…
And then, with a savage curse, he realized who it was.