It’s over. Sometimes it fizzles out or disappears so slowly you barely notice; at other times there could be a major drama that sees a shock end. There’s no way we can carry every friend we ever make through our lives with us. Remember that magic number, 150? As new people come into our lives, something – or someone – has got to give. We make way for new friends, the ones who really do bring us joy, by letting go of others.
It can be both liberating and unsettling as your friendship circle shifts. Adulting often feels like a never-ending quest to please others, but there is one person who you should be putting before anyone else: yourself. It can be painful to see friendships sacrificed, bonds broken, feelings discarded, but along the way you’ll make new friends and invest in people you have more in common with.
Why do friendships change – and how do we let go of good people, guilt-free?
Often friendships fade away because of a lack of balance. We all know that the best kind of friends reciprocate the time, energy and dedication we put in. When it feels off-kilter, it can really challenge your commitment.
As our lives take different paths – careers, relationships, travel, children – friendships come under pressure, and it takes effort on both sides to continue. While we once had everything in common, changing lifestyles can dramatically impact on people’s availability and means to do things together.
Even if you continue to spend time together, one or both of you may grow frustrated at the quality of the experience. You can both end up feeling taken for granted. There have been times when I’ve felt like I’m going through the motions in a friendship rather than relishing it, which leaves me feeling confused and questioning my worth. Long-term friendships may grow in parallel, closer, or apart. The things that drew us together in the first place may no longer exist. That magic connection dissolves over time. Unlike marriage, we never exchange vows with our best friends. It’s an unspoken promise to be in each other’s lives – and we’re not obligated to friends the same way we are to our partners or even family members.
Friends are elastic and friends won’t hold you back from falling in love, pursuing your career or travelling abroad. Best friends support each other in their life choices, even when it means you won’t see as much of them anymore. Because best of friends – the ones whose hearts are truly connected – never lose their bond.
Friendships ebb and fade with frequency. A 2009 study by sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst found in a seven-year period most people had replaced half of their friends, with only 30 per cent of close friends remaining so. Sometimes, however, friends drift apart, consciously or not.
Physical and emotional. You can have a BFF at work one minute but, when one of you leaves, you realize the friendship never actually went much deeper than office talk. Yes, you talked about your personal life and problems over lunch, but when it came to getting a date in the diary one night after work, neither of you got round to it.
Other mates might move to another town – or even country – and while you stay in touch on social media, visiting them is just not a priority and the friendship slowly fizzles down to Christmas cards. They’ve naturally moved from your inner circle to the outer one. Neither of you are hurt by this, it just seems like a natural progression.
Friendships sometimes slip away from us so unexpectedly and quietly we don’t even notice, and then when we do, it feels like too much time has passed to reach back and grasp them by the hand. We’re all guilty of maintaining a friendship for history’s sake. You’re not emotionally invested in them but can’t bring yourself to cause a fuss and cut ties, especially if they are part of a bigger friendship group.
When it comes to friends, financial imbalance can play a part in a relationship shift. Money – or lack of it – can cause a huge issue in friendships.
One UK survey found that half of ‘low earners’ have cancelled plans with friends because they worried it would end up being too expensive, and 39 per cent of ‘high earners’ have deliberately stopped spending time with people because of financial incompatibility. In fact, the same survey found that half of the ‘high earners’ look for friends who earn a similar amount of money to them, while lower earners revealed that money had more impact on friendships than geographical distance, difference in politics or having children. So, the payday problem can be a serious one.
In the UK, revealing what you earn is still fairly taboo. According to the survey, it’s even more taboo for women: 80 per cent say they’ve avoided discussing their salary with family and friends, while 32 per cent feel uncomfortable talking about it altogether. I don’t know what my friends earn, but I was shocked by the results of the survey and the impact your salary can have on mates.
Money does impact on friendships to some degree, and when planning time together it can play a huge factor – but, for me, friendship is worth more than any amount in the bank. We’ve all had that one friend who found themselves earning more than others and moved into a different network of friends who can afford to splash their cash. Ultimately, though, it’s all about compromise and communication. If money is tight, tell your friends you haven’t got much spare cash and suggest a free-ish fun challenge – each take it in turns to organize a get-together for under a set amount of money each. Or let friends know you’re short on cash before you book a dinner – take control and decide on a cheap and cheerful venue. Better still, if you’re able to play hostess, cook a budget dish and ask everyone to bring a bottle.
When it comes to birthdays, true friends would rather spend time with you than have expensive gifts. A small, meaningful gift is better than money splashed on something fancy with no thought behind it. Get creative. Some of my favourite presents have been paintings, a book with a heartfelt message written inside or a homemade cake. Love doesn’t cost a thing.
When the pay gap becomes glaringly obvious in a friendship, acknowledge it but don’t make it a big deal. Either of you can feel awkward if it keeps rearing up as an issue, but investing in your friendship is more important than the amount of money you spend when you’re together. We all go through periods when we have more or less cash to play with, so treat your friends when you can.
In 2017, a study of 2,000 UK adults found that the average person has sixteen friends and acquaintances – but they don’t actually like three of them! Which explains why they’re let go from the friendship circle.
The survey found these were the top fifteen reasons we don’t like our own friends:
1. Having nothing in common.
2. Being too bossy or controlling.
3. A difference of opinions.
4. How they behave when they’ve been drinking.
5. Being too high-maintenance.
6. Leading different lifestyles.
7. Use of language.
8. They’ve let you down.
9. Sense of humour.
10. How they treat their partner.
11. They’ve changed.
12. Political affiliations.
13. How they treat their children.
14. Not liking the people they hang out with.
15. Being blanked by them.
When I look at this list, I see some issues that can be talked through and resolved and others that are too toxic to have in your life. So, what to do when you find yourself in this predicament?
Ask yourself the following questions when considering letting a friendship go:
♦ What is the purpose of this friendship?
♦ Are they a good friend to you?
♦ What has changed?
♦ Are you both responsible for the change?
♦ Do you want to put more effort in or can’t be bothered?
♦ Can the friendship grow?
♦ Do you miss them if you don’t see or hear from them for a long time?
♦ How do you feel at the thought of only keeping in touch casually – upset, relieved, guilty?
♦ Are you ready to let the friendship go?
You might find that there’s a lack of time but you don’t want to give up on the friendship. Speak to your friend and say something like, ‘We don’t have enough free time to see each other as much as I’d like, but let’s try to get something in the diary and make sure we catch up as regularly as we can.’ You’re committing to the friendship even if it’s only once or twice a year. That might be enough for you both. Or you might realize you don’t even want to broach the subject, and while you wish them well, you don’t miss having them in your life. Give yourself permission to let them go, guilt-free!
Allow yourself to phase out a friendship if you no longer think you have anything in common. Do you feel you should maintain a friendship but not sure how? Suggest things you like to do – trip to the cinema, day out at a theme park, spa day, shopping – and if they’re not interested, take it as an opportunity to mention that you don’t seem to have much in common any more.
If a friend always feels the need to control your time together – picking the activity or venue, times and who can or can’t join you – it can really take its toll. If you want to salvage the friendship, organize some time together without their input; if they object or try to take control, take the opportunity to explain that you BOTH need to decide on plans. In my experience, friends who need to control the time you spend together suffer from anxiety or lack of self-confidence, so it’s always worth broaching their mental health too.
Suggest group activities with other mutual friends and stop seeing them one-on-one. This might be enough for you. Take a moment to notice your friendships and if you’ve been shifted from one circle to another without realizing. Don’t take this personally – especially if it hadn’t occurred to you until now! – but respect the person’s boundaries and enjoy any time you do spend with them.
I’ve seen friendships ebb and flow. I’ve lost friends because of silly mistakes and a lack of communication. I’ve watched as friends edge out of the room slowly, backing away from the bond we once had. At other times, I’ve been so caught up in my own life I’ve turned around and realized a friend is no longer there. They got up and left, and I didn’t notice.
How to deal with losing a friendship
It’s only natural to feel sad or upset, but accept that people come into our lives for a reason – sometimes to teach us something or introduce us to a new way of looking at life. The friendship may be over, but carry with you any life lessons you’ve picked up along the way.
Accept that the friendship is over but allow yourself to look back at the good times and feel happy.
Look at the friendships you do have and what you love about them. Surround yourself with positive people who you enjoy spending time with.
If you’re still friends with them on social media, allow yourself to unfollow them or – if you’re worried about blocking them – simply mute their account so it doesn’t show up in your feed.
You can still want the best for someone even if you don’t want them to play a big part in your life any more. Don’t beat yourself up about it. If you miss them but you simply drifted apart rather than had an epic fallout, feel free to send a Christmas card and update them with your news from the year, tell them you think of them and wish them well.
It’s important to remember, you might grow apart from a friend for a while, but sometimes life draws you back together again. If there’s been no toxic breakup, I think it’s a good idea to keep the door to friends open and let each other come and go as much as you both want.
If you feel like you’ve neglected a friendship and it fizzled out because you didn’t put enough effort in, don’t be too embarrassed to get in touch. Send a card in the post saying, ‘Saw this and thought of you’ or a text. If you don’t hear back, they’ve clearly moved on with their life, but you have nothing to lose.