Kabir

I am lying on the floor. There is just so much blood. It’s all over the place. It takes me some time to understand that it is my blood. I try to get up, but I feel so heavy. I can’t. I just can’t.

‘Get up. You need to get up.’ Aman’s voice is loud in my ear. ‘You need to get up now and go find her.’

He is back. Aman is back. I open my eyes with such effort and see him looking down at me. He is kneeling beside me. ‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Get up.’

Bloody Hindi films. All full of shit. The hero takes dozens of bullets and keeps going. In real life, a couple of bullets and you’re on the floor with feet that won’t listen to you. I roll over and it is so painful I almost pass out. I can’t get up. I begin to crawl.

I crawl in the direction that I last heard her scream. I am trying not to scream in pain myself.

There is a man lying on the floor. He is dead. He is still holding his gun. One of the terrorists. God. There is so much blood. I don’t want to crawl through it but there is no way around it.

‘Pick up the gun,’ says Aman.

I begin to laugh. ‘You’re telling me to pick up a gun? You’re the guy who loves Gandhi.’

‘Do something. She’s going to die if you don’t do something.’

‘What can I do that won’t end with violence?’

I know this is ridiculous. I’ve been shot. I’m bleeding. This is not the time to be having a philosophical argument with someone who is inside my head. But I can’t help it. I feel like I’m outside this moment, calmly looking in. It’s all unreal.

‘Save her,’ says Aman. ‘And don’t betray me and all I believed in.’

‘How?’ It is an impossible task. I don’t know how I can do it. I only know that I have to.

I pick up the gun. I check it with hands that are slippery with blood. It still has four bullets in it.

I hear Diya scream. It’s away to the right. It gets me off all fours. With a desperate effort, I manage to get to my feet. The gun is a weight that drags me off centre.

I head for the sound. I am reeling, staggering like a drunk man. Holding on to whatever I can to stay upright. That damn gun is so heavy it’s dragging my arm down. My knees buckle, and I fall several times. Each time he gets me up and going. He whispers, urges me on. ‘You have to find her. You have to keep going.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I say to him. ‘I fell in love with her. I couldn’t help it.’

‘I know,’ he says. ‘It’s all right.’

‘You’re not mad?’

He smiles sadly at me. ‘I couldn’t help falling in love with her. How can I be mad with you for doing it?’

There are no more screams from Diya. No more sounds. I know I’m close but I can’t locate her. And the only advantage I have is surprise. All the rest is a mess. I stop and listen.

‘He’s going to hurt her. He’s going to kill her. Find her.’

‘I’m trying. I’m trying.’

The area the last scream came from is the toy section. I stumble towards it. Then I hear her crying. Desperate, hopeless sobs. The sound wakes me up. Makes me focus. I also, finally, have a fix on where she is.

I hear Salim’s voice. He is yelling on the phone. ‘Tell Bhai Thakur I have his daughter! I want him on the phone. I want him to hear every scream. She’s going to do a lot of screaming. Unless you play straight with me this time.’

‘Save her,’ says Aman. ‘Please.’

‘I will save her. And I will save your truth as well,’ I say.

I step around the end of the aisle and I see them.

I point the gun at Salim. He has no idea I’m coming. He’s on the phone, screaming demands. He has her beautiful hair wrapped around his arm and is holding her by it. His gun is held awkwardly beside the phone.

I think of all those times I practised with my brother’s gun in the quiet woods. I think of myself shooting round after round, wishing I could kill the men who took my brother and returned a stranger. I think of the target in the woods. Think of the target. Think only of the target.

One.

Two.

I shoot him through both kneecaps. He falls heavily to the ground. His gun goes flying out of his reach. Diya shoves his weight off her and scrambles away from him. He is screaming. A high-pitched scream like a woman. She grabs his gun and then looks confused. She doesn’t know how to use it and I am too far away. She holds it like a club and hits him across the head. The screaming stops.

I take a step towards her and fall. The world begins to break into pieces.

She rolls me over. She is saying my name, but I don’t look at her. Over her shoulder I can see Aman. He is smiling.

Diya is holding my hand. Talking to me. Her voice fading and returning. Time is flowing around us. Fading and returning. The light is fading and returning. And me, fading and returning. Returning with more difficulty each time.

‘Stay with me,’ Diya whispers. ‘You have to stay with me. You can’t go. You can’t leave me.’

Me, fading, fading, fading.

Darkness begins to lie thick on everything in front of my eyes. I’m starting to get cold. So very cold. I understand why. I’m lying in snow.

The sky above me is dark. An icy wind is blowing. I’m back in the woods again, waiting to die. Silence and snow and cold. It’s so peaceful.

Aman is beside me again, like he was last time. ‘You have to go back,’ he says.

But I don’t want to. I am so tired. It will be so easy to just lie here forever.

‘You have to love her for both of us. Live for both of us,’ he says. I lie there looking up at the dark sky, wondering why there are no stars in it.

He kneels beside me and whispers in my ear, ‘Go. She is waiting. Khuda hafiz.’

‘Khuda hafiz, Amanbhai,’ I whisper back.

And he is gone.

Something falls on my face. It can’t be snow. It’s burning hot. I hear a voice. ‘Come back. You can’t die! I won’t let you.’

It’s her voice. That’s not snow on my face. It’s her tears. Stars begin to appear in the sky one by one. Great wheels of them light the dark. I can see again. I see her kneeling beside me.

I feel her breath on my face. ‘It’s over. Can you hear them? It’s the army announcing we should come out. Please don’t let go now.’

I try to speak but it is so difficult. I can’t say what I want to. That she is the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. That I don’t want to leave her.

She whispers brokenly to me, ‘You can’t go. We still have to build a house of stars.’

A house of stars where the door is open for everyone. Where the rooms are filled with love. And the roof is a sky full of stars. Each one holding a wish.

I have to hold on. I have to believe it. We will build our house of stars.

One day we will.