Chapter Eleven
A Date to Meet My Husband’s Need for Sexual Intimacy
Gary Shares Ideas with Wives
“Hi, Linda, may I speak to David?” asked Marcie as she called her husband at his office on Friday afternoon.
“Hi, honey. I know you have a busy day, but I cut out of work early and want to know if I can pick you up at the office at three o’clock?” Marcie asked in her most provocative voice.
“Yeah, I have a meeting in an hour, but I think I can break out of here at three. But what’s up? Doesn’t Jason have basketball after school? And wasn’t Emma going to work at our house on her science project with her group?” David responded with a little more stress in his voice than either of them realized he was experiencing.
“I have it all taken care of. See you at three. And don’t even think about being late,” she responded with a knowing laugh.
What David didn’t realize was that he was about to be kidnapped by his wife. He had been under a lot of pressure recently at his office, and the demands of the kids pressed in on them too. As a result, his physical relationship with Marcie had taken on a little too much of the “same old-same old.”
Marcie decided to do something about it. After twenty-plus years of marriage she didn’t want their sexual relationship to become predictable. And this plan was anything but predictable.
Marcie had arranged for a woman from her Bible study to stay with the kids for the next thirty-six hours. She went to her favorite intimate apparel store and picked out something that made her blush with the best of them. Then she stopped and bought a new silk robe for her husband along with his favorite chocolate-covered strawberries.
Then she went home and packed some lotions, scented candles, sparkling cider, and their favorite mood music on CD. She put on a dress David found attractive and the perfume he bought her three years ago for Christmas.
She and David had always talked about spending a night at the little bed-and-breakfast place their best friends had talked about over and over, so she had the place booked for a night. She even opted to pay extra and get a room with a hot tub.
When David came out of his office and took one look at his wife, he was a goner. It didn’t take more than a nanosecond for him to get the drift—this was going to be an event he would remember!
In a phrase, Marcie had hit a grand slam and was rounding the bases to a standing ovation in David’s favorite ballpark!
The Number Two Love Need of Men
As I noted in the previous chapter, our survey showed that husbands have three different kinds of love as their top three love needs. Coming in at number two is eros—romantic love, sexual intimacy.
Some of you are saying sarcastically, “Well, that’s a big surprise!” You wives need to understand, however, that your number two love need is very similar. Both husbands and wives desire intimacy—however, for you, intimacy is spelled T-A-L-K. For men, intimacy is spelled S-E-X. Both husbands and wives desire the closeness that comes from intimacy. The love need is the same, but the way it needs to be fulfilled is often quite different between men and women. You probably view intimacy as a heart-to-heart talk in front of a roaring fire; your husband probably visualizes something else going on in front of that fire!
However, I cannot emphasize enough that your husband’s sex drive doesn’t make him a dirty old man. Far from it. God wired us men with a strong sex drive. We think about sex often because sexual intimacy is a very real and vital need for us. We men find our masculinity in our sexuality. Although percentages differ from man to man, men report that from 50 to 90 percent of their self-image is locked up in their sexuality. That’s huge! Sex, passion, pleasing his wife sexually—it’s a big part of what makes a man feel like a man.
You see, your husband isn’t at all weird! He’s normal. Husbands need sex with their wives, and they need it on a regular basis (most men at least once or twice a week—more for some). When you respond to your husband sexually, you affirm him beyond anything you could imagine. A husband who is treated this way will often respond with that emotional intimacy that his wife so desires—not as a reward for sex, but as a natural outflow of a satisfying relationship.
On the other hand, when you rebuff his sexual advances, when you’re always too tired, or if you withhold sex because you’re out of sorts for other reasons, then you’re emasculating your husband. You’re hurting him where it hurts the most. In response, he may stop meeting your need for emotional intimacy—again not necessarily in a manipulative way but just because your marriage will not be satisfying to him and he will withdraw. Then begins a downward spiral that has been a strong factor in the deterioration of many marriages.
He Needs You to Need Him
Sometimes we men can drive our wives crazy. (There’s another big surprise!) No matter how tired or stressed we may be, we’re just about always ready for sex. You see, we have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize our lives. Everything in our lives sits around in separate boxes. We have a work box, a church box, a friendship box, etc. When there’s a problem in one box, it doesn’t necessarily affect any of the other boxes. So we may be very stressed at work, but that doesn’t affect our sex box! It’s ready to be opened at a moment’s notice!
Your wiring is different, however. Your boxes are all connected, so that if you are feeling stress in one box, all the rest are affected. So if you’re having a lot of stress at work, that affects the family, the church activities, and, oh yes, sex. And if you are feeling stressed because of your husband—look out! Sex will be the last thing you want when you realize, for example, that he didn’t do something you had requested or if he hurt you in some way.
But you see, we need you to need us. We have a need for sexual intimacy with you that is so strong that when met, we’re on top of the world; when not met, we feel as if we are failures. Trust me on this. We need you to want us so much that once in a while you initiate sex; we get discouraged if you don’t express passion for us. We struggle with feelings of inadequacy sexually because we so much want to please you. When we initiate sex with you, we want you to respond to us passionately. It hurts us terribly when you don’t make time for us, when other activities are more important, or when you rebuff us continually.
When a husband’s sexual needs aren’t being met by his wife, he will feel rejected. When you refuse to meet his need (which is a legitimate, God-created need), you’re telling him that his need is not important to you. If that continues, he will shut down or pull away from you. He’ll quit trying for fear of further rejection. He’ll pull away emotionally (which means that your love need for emotional intimacy will not be met). He’ll spend more time at work or in other activities. Some men will be able to continue that unhappy pattern; however, others will find themselves looking elsewhere to have their needs met. While a man is ultimately responsible for his own moral decisions, his wife plays a key role in keeping him from desiring to meet his God-given sexual needs in any place other than his marriage.
You, his wife, are the one person chosen by God to meet your husband’s sexual needs. You have the privilege—yes, privilege—of being the sole person to experience that deep level of intimacy with your husband.
Meeting Your Husband’s Sexual Love Need
For some women, this will be very easy. Perhaps your sex drive is just as strong as your husband’s. Perhaps you just didn’t realize how much your husband needs you, and you’re ready and willing to meet his need. Go for it! You won’t be sorry (and your husband will be thrilled!).
For some women, however, this will be very difficult. Some women are dealing with past emotional or sexual abuse that is affecting how they view sex now. Others were told by their parents that men want only one thing or that sex is always dirty. Such thinking completely distorts what should be a natural and joyful part of the marriage relationship. Think about it: God created sex. He could have created Adam and Eve to reproduce by means of spores sent through the air; instead, he created a physical act that allows for great intimacy and enjoyment. That’s what sex with your husband is supposed to be.
Your sexual relationship often acts as a barometer for other problems in the marriage. It is a proven fact that a couple’s sexual relationship is directly related to the experiences they bring into a marriage or to those that occur outside the marriage bed. But wounds can be healed. Whatever is going on, talk to God about it. If you and your husband are having problems sexually, ask God to help you understand what is going on deep inside you. If there is hurt, ask God to help you. If there is baggage, ask for his freedom. Start with your own heart. Unresolved pain causes many women great difficulty when it comes to opening up their hearts and their bodies to their husbands (remember the boxes?). If you need some extra help, find a good Christian counselor. I also recommend Dan Allender’s book The Wounded Heart (NavPress), which helps men and women who have been abused or influenced by abuse walk through the pain. Also check out any medical issues with your physician.
How do you begin to meet your husband’s need for sexual intimacy? One of the things that Barb and I stress when we lead our conferences is for husbands and wives to study each other. Do you know what signals he’s giving when he wants to make love to you? Do you know—or care—what pleases him sexually? How frequently does he want (actually, it’s need) sex? If you haven’t been able to be intimate for a while, how does he react? Some men become short-tempered with everyone when they haven’t been able to be intimate with their wives. In short, you need to know what your husband needs so then you can know how, and how often, to meet that need.
Remember, your husband’s sexuality is so entwined with his masculinity that as you reach out to him and meet his need for sexual intimacy, you will affirm his God-given masculinity. So be passionate about your husband! Be passionate with your husband!
Pre-Date Ideas
Before you consider the suggested dates in this section, I’d like you to think about your husband for a few minutes. Focus on the following questions:
• Do I understand that my husband’s need for sex is normal? How often does he need sex? In what ways have I been fulfilling or not fulfilling this need for him?
• What satisfies or does not satisfy him about our sexual relationship? What would he want to change?
• Do I ever initiate sex? Why or why not? If I haven’t been doing it, how do I think he would respond if I did? What’s holding me back?
• What situations in my past are affecting my ability to respond sexually to my husband? What do I need to do to deal with these?
There’s a reason why sex is your husband’s number two love need. It’s part of his wiring; it’s the way he was created. You want to make your husband feel on top of the world? Express your passion for him; fulfill his sexual needs; and let him know that you want him just as much as he wants you.
Are things a little tense between you right now? Express your passion for him; fulfill his sexual needs; and let him know that you want him just as much as he wants you (even if it doesn’t seem like it right now).
Get the picture? When you meet his need for sexual intimacy, you have shown him how important he and his needs are to you. He’ll respond—I know! I’ve seen marriages that were on the brink end up being saved when the husband and wife reached out to each other and met their needs for intimacy—both the sexual intimacy most husbands need and the emotional intimacy most wives need. It’s never too late to try.
Let me just say a few words to those of you who might be a little embarrassed as you read these suggested dates because they’re about—well—sex! Remember a couple of things—this is your husband we’re talking about. The man you’ve already had sex with a few times (we assume!), the man who fathered your children, if you have kids, and the man whom you know well and who knows you. When you plan this kind of a date for him, you’re giving him an incredible gift. If you’re embarrassed, all you need to do is provide the setting and the willingness—he’ll take it from there! We’ve shared some of these ideas before in the FamilyLife product called “Simply Romantic Nights,” to which Barb and I contributed. This is one of the hottest products we have seen in Christian publishing. It contains a sexual inventory for husbands and wives, a booklet about sexual intimacy, and twenty-four date ideas that will light your fire.
Four Suggested Dates with Your Husband
Let’s Do Lunch
Depending on your husband’s line of work, he may “do lunch” with all kinds of people—boring people, interesting people, people he can help, people who can help him. Lunch often is merely an extension of his job, a time of doing business in a different setting.
Well, it’s time for you to get down to business with him. By e-mail, phone call, or even fax machine, schedule a lunch date with your husband. It needs to be on his calendar as part of his schedule. On your note or in your call, tell him to meet you at home for lunch. (If this is a fax, don’t embarrass him; be very professional. If not, then you can be as teasing as you want to be.)
Set up a lunch at home. You could use a picnic theme and have some lunch ready on a blanket (include some pillows in the scene) on the living room floor. Or perhaps you’ll want to make a very light lunch to eat quickly.
Dress in something alluring. Greet him with a passionate kiss at the door. We’ll leave the rest to you. Unless he can take the afternoon off, you might want to save your Let’s Talk questions for a separate time—but schedule that as well.
If your husband’s schedule doesn’t allow for this kind of time off during the week, plan your lunch or dinner date on a weekend.
After your lunch date, call, fax, or write and tell your husband you’d like to have lunch again sometime—soon!
Prep Steps
• Send your husband the invitation, and put the date on your calendars.
• If you have children, this is a great date to do while they are at school. If not, you might be able to have a neighbor watch your children during the lunch hour.
• Prepare a light lunch.
• Decide on any “setting” you want at home.
• Find your sexiest dress or nightgown to wear. Splash on some of his favorite perfume.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your husband (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Mysterious Turn-On
Is your husband one of those guys who loves detective movies or TV shows? Is he always reading mysteries? Then here’s a date that will cause him to turn off the TV and turn on to you.
Plan an evening for your encounter with your husband. Be sure his agenda is clear and that he knows you’re planning an evening at home.
For about four days before the night of your date, send him a ransom note each day. Make them look like ransom notes by cutting out letters from magazines to spell out the words. The first day, have a note that says, “Find me” or “Meet me—come alone.” Use a pet name to sign it. The second day, have the note say, “Bring your body to [address] on [date].” The third day, give him the time to meet you. The fourth day, say, “Follow my directions—you’ll know what I mean when you get there.” Each day, put the note in a location where he’s sure to find it—a lunch box, a coat or pants pocket, a day planner, the seat of his car—be creative, but don’t embarrass him! These are for his eyes only.
The night of the date, leave a trail of your clothing from the door he usually enters to wherever you’ll be waiting for him. Again, the rest is up to you.
Later in the evening, spend some time talking about your Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• Get the evening on your schedules. Your husband doesn’t need to know about the content of the date, just that he should plan to keep the evening free.
• If you have children, get a babysitter who will take them out of the house for the evening.
• Prepare your ransom notes. Cut letters out of the newspaper or magazines. Think of places to put your notes each day.
• Plan the setting—lighting, clothing, etc. If you have time beforehand, take a nice bath with lots of good-smelling bath oil!
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your husband (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Massage Message
Nothing can be more relaxing to a man than a massage. You might want to do a little research about how to give a good massage. Find a book in the library that will give you some basics. Consider what the book says about lotions or oils to use in a massage.
You can do this at any time, but it would be most romantic to be alone, to have candles lit and soft music playing. Ask your husband to lie down on the bed or the floor, and then begin your magic. Massages are not just of the back—massages go all over the head, the neck, down the arms onto the hands, and down the legs onto the feet. You don’t have to be an expert masseuse in order to do this. Just a good rubdown will help your husband to relax and feel very loved.
As a final touch, you could take a bath or shower together. Then you take it from there.
You can discuss your Let’s Talk questions during the massage or later in the evening.
Prep Steps
• Make sure your husband knows that a particular evening is just for you and him.
• If you have children, schedule a babysitter who will take the kids elsewhere. You need the house to yourselves.
• If you desire, go to the library and read about massage techniques so you can feel a little more comfortable.
• Purchase some lotion or oil that you can use in the massage.
• Light candles, put on soft music.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your husband (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Away with Him!
Plan a romantic overnight getaway for the two of you. Perhaps you can reserve a night at a nice bed-and-breakfast. Or maybe a hotel with a hot tub. Do a little research, and find a place far enough away that you will feel as if you’re on a mini-vacation, and you can enjoy lots of privacy. Also, look for those “romantic” things that would be a plus for your night away—a room with a fireplace, hot tub, etc.
Arrive at your husband’s office, pick him up either early or directly after work, and take him to your secret location. Often it takes getting away from the distractions of the house, the telephone, and the children in order to really focus on each other.
At some point during the date, discuss your Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• Decide on the target date. Check with your husband in noncommittal terms so that he keeps the evening and the next morning (or day!) free on his schedule.
• Check with his boss to see about letting your husband off a couple hours early. If not, tell your husband to be ready right after work.
• Make reservations for dinner and your overnight stay.
• Provide for babysitting, if needed.
• If you can pull it off, pack his luggage ahead of time so that the weekend away can be a complete surprise. In your baggage, pack some sexy lingerie. If you don’t have any and your budget allows, indulge yourself (trust me, this is an expense your husband won’t mind!).
• Pack some treats in the car for the ride to the location you’ve selected.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your husband (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists below.
* * *
Unforgettable Tips
1. Tell your husband what a “hunk” he is—and say it with passion. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you love about him.
2. Purchase some new lingerie for your date with your husband. Or splurge on some satin sheets. Or scented candles. Anything that will enhance the sensuality of your time together.
3. Tell him that you are committed to meeting his sexual needs and that you always want to be there for him. (Many of the Let’s Talk questions will guide you through a discussion of how he would like you to meet his needs.)
4. Men are wired to respond to visual stimulation. Use your imagination in the security and privacy of your date to be as stimulating as possible!
Post-Date Ideas
1. Call your husband during the day, and tell him that he is your one and only and that you can’t wait to have some special time with him!
2. Leave a few sexy notes to stir the passion (always in very discreet places where only he will find them).
3. When you notice times when he is helping to meet a need of yours (helping with dinner, cleaning, talking with you, working with the kids), whisper your appreciation in his ear and add that you can’t wait to have some private time with him.
4. Relearn the art of flirting—but only with your husband, of course! Practice winking from across the room. Whatever used to work will still work now!
5. Initiate sex with your husband. Remember his needs, and be ready to be there for him! When he initiates, respond positively—no matter how tired you feel. If you absolutely cannot, be sure he understands why.
6. Put into practice at least one thing you talked about.
Choose some questions/comments from each level to help guide your discussion during your date. This way you can learn more about how you can meet your husband’s need for sexual intimacy.
LEVEL 1:
Dip Your Toes into the Water
• Each of you answer these questions: “How did you learn about sex when you were growing up? How was it taught to you?”
• “Do we have enough privacy for intimacy? What do we need to do to assure privacy?”
• “What would you think if I bought myself some revealing or ‘creative’ nightgowns or underwear?”
• “In what type of setting have you always wanted to make love?”
• “Do you ever feel anxious about making love? If so, when and why?”
LEVEL 2:
Up to Your Ankles
• “How often do you want to make love?”
• “Should we attempt to ‘schedule’ lovemaking so that we are assured of private time together? How can we make sure that we don’t go too long without sexual intimacy?”
• “Is sex helpful, comforting, difficult, or anxiety producing for you when you are under stress? How can our intimacy at those times be at its best?”
• “Do you think that sex brings us closer, or does closeness lead to sex? Do you appreciate one more than the other?”
LEVEL 3:
Treading in Deeper Waters
• “Do you ever give me signals that mean you want to make love? Am I missing them? Should we come up with some signals that we can give to each other?”
• “What satisfies you most about our sexual relationship? What would you like to change?”
• “Do you ever wish that I would initiate sex more often? How would you like me to do it?”
• “Do you think we could be more imaginative in the area of sexual expression? What are your suggestions or ideas?” (If your husband suggests things that you are not comfortable doing, talk about your uneasiness.)
• Each of you answer these questions: “What part of my body do you find most exciting? What behavior do you find most exciting?”
LEVEL 4:
Bouncing on the Waves
• “What excites you the most about me sexually? What do you want me to do to take advantage of that?”
• “There may be times when you want sex, and I simply can’t do it right then. How can I let you know that without hurting you? In what ways can I say no so that you hear, ‘Not now, but definitely later’?”
• “Do you ever feel that I use sex as a reward? Have I ever withheld sex in order to punish you? When? How did you feel? What should we do so that it doesn’t happen again?”
• “Do I ever act as if sex is more of a duty than a pleasure? What are some ideas on how that could change?”
LEVEL 5:
Diving in Head First
• If sex has been difficult for you because of a situation in your past or a current problem, talk to your husband about this. Be honest. Consider together how best to deal with this. If professional help is needed, don’t be too afraid or ashamed to say so.
• “What words or actions on my part throughout the day or week really set the stage for a great time of lovemaking?”
• Complete this sentence for your husband, “Five things you could do during the week that would ‘warm me up’ for sex are . . .”
• Each of you answer the following question, “I most want to make love to you when . . .”