Chapter Thirteen

Make a Good Marriage a Great Marriage

No matter how you would currently characterize your marriage (“good,” “could improve,” or “we really need help”), your marriage can indeed be great! While many factors go into making a great marriage, beginning to work on your spouse’s love needs is a perfect place to begin.

It is important for you to recognize, however, that you need to give yourself and your spouse some time. If you have been having difficulty for a while, recognize that you didn’t get there overnight and you won’t resolve everything overnight. But you can begin today to work on reconnecting, rekindling the flame, and reuniting your hearts and souls. So get a correct perspective on your situation.

You know that whenever you read an advertisement for a new diet or exercise program, it always includes the caveat that you should “check with your doctor before starting.” Well, as you begin this process of strengthening your marriage, check with the Doctor first—that is, reconnect with God and be in prayer. You don’t need to see if you should work  on your marriage—that’s already a given. But seek God’s help for wisdom and discernment as you consider how to go about it. If there has been much pain and hurt in your marriage, you may need extra strength and courage to forgive or to ask for forgiveness. Take a look at my (Gary’s) book, Dr. Rosberg’s Do-It-Yourself Relationship Mender (Tyndale House and Focus on the Family) for a proven process of closing the loop and experiencing and granting forgiveness in your relationship. If there has been distance, you need wisdom to know how to reconnect. Ask God to bless your endeavor. Ask him to help you and your spouse as you work on making your marriage a great marriage.

In addition to prayer and perspective, you need to make a commitment. You need to “do” the dates, but not just as a quick fix you hope will make your spouse happy that his or her love need has been “met.” These dates are only a start. That’s why we’ve included the Post-Date Ideas in each section. You need to maintain your marriage by constantly being aware of your spouse’s love needs. The dates include Let’s Talk questions that we hope provide lots of information for you to process and use as you seek to continue to meet your spouse’s love needs in the ways that will be most meaningful.

In short, keep it up! Don’t stop dating just because you did one for each need or because you’ve done all four and have run out of ideas. Be creative! Your dates don’t have to be expensive or elaborate, they just need to be. You and your spouse need special times together. If you have children, you need time alone. If you are empty nesters and already alone together, then you need time doing special things together. That’s what dating is all about. It should never stop!

So keep on dating!

Extra, Bonus Ideas

Here are a few dates that aren’t so much focused on one or the other as on both of you.

We Belong Together

Here’s a date where you both can make a recommitment to each other. Plan to go out for dinner. Beforehand, each of you should draw up a list titled, “Here’s What Is Special in Our Marriage.” Share those lists at dinner. Celebrate all that you’ve done together, all that you’ve accomplished, all that you’ve weathered, and all that makes you unique. Take joy in your future together.

Remember Those Vows

Surely you’ll find yourselves invited to a wedding at some point. Take that invitation as an opportunity for a date.

This can be a time to remember your own wedding. Listen carefully to the pastor’s words to the married couple—listen as if the words were being spoken to you. Then listen carefully once again to the vows. Remember that these are the words you spoke to each other. Take time after the wedding to discuss ways that you have kept those vows and ways that you need to improve. Maybe even go home and pull out your own wedding video (or, if you are our vintage, the cassette tape). Revisit your wedding and the feelings and goals you had then. Reflect on God’s goodness to you in the intervening years.

Growing Together

If you have an opportunity to attend some kind of marriage enrichment conference, go ahead and go together. Take the chance to learn a bit more about your marriage, to learn more about each other, and to grow together emotionally and spiritually. Join Barb and me at one of our America’s Family Coaches conferences (for scheduling, see our Web site: www.afclive.com), or experience a “weekend to remember” at a FamilyLife Conference (for scheduling, see the Web site: www.familylife.com). If our radio program America’s Family Coaches LIVE is on in your city, then each day try to listen and do what many of our listeners tell us they do: talk about our radio program over dinner and share new ideas and insights on how to strengthen your own marriage and family.

Take Every Opportunity

Take advantage of any moments you can grab to be together. Is he running to the video store to return the tape? Then go along for the ride. Is she going to the corner store to pick up milk? Go along. Even a few minutes grabbed from the regular rush of life can add up to a lot of time to be together.

Together in the Quiet

The flip side of the “Take Every Opportunity” date is this one. Sometimes we need quiet time. Sometimes we need to know the other person is there, but we’re in the middle of processing something or devouring a great novel or doing some paperwork. A date can consist of two people together doing different things. Don’t be afraid to give each other some space.

Make the Mundane Special

Do you both need to attend a political fund-raising dinner? Do you need to go to the quarterly business meeting at church? Maybe you need to renew your driver’s licenses. Anything can be an opportunity for a date. You see, do the thing that has to be done, and then add a little twist. After the meeting, go out for coffee at your favorite place. After you stand in line at the driver’s license facility, go get some ice cream. Anything can be the opportunity for a date if you know how to be creative.

You could make even chore time at home special—if you’re really creative. However, it might be counterproductive for some of you to attempt to make a date out of hanging wallpaper together, so don’t try to overdo this one!

Working It Out

If you have a joint health-club membership, turn that into a date once in a while. Use the health club as a place for a tennis date or a walking date (on side-by-side machines of course) or a swimming date.

In Closing

On our daily radio program, America’s Family Coaches LIVE, we often take listeners’ phone calls about their great date ideas. On a recent broadcast, a couple of listeners gave us some great advice.

One young woman called in and told us that her advice was to K-I-S-S. Now, she didn’t mean “kiss,” although we certainly have nothing against that! Instead, it was an acronym for Keep It So Simple. In other words, you don’t need a lot of money or time to have a great date. It can be very simple and yet very meaningful and memorable.

A man calling from a cell phone in his truck told us that his philosophy of dating is to “seize the moment.” We like that! Take advantage of the opportunity today. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Don’t wait to begin to work on making a great marriage.