Chapter Three
A Date to Meet My Wife’s Need for Friendship
Barb Shares Ideas with Husbands
“Alan missed his plane?” Patti felt miserable. Together she and Bob had taken a day off work and driven two hundred miles in hopes of picking up their son at the Kansas City airport. They had anxiously waited, and now she was heartsick that he hadn’t made the connection.
Bob and Patti stood alone at the empty gate, where moments earlier they had been bubbling with excitement, anticipating seeing their son walk off the plane. She tried to hold back tears and pressed her face onto her husband’s shoulder. He gently patted her hair and soothed her by pulling her close into his arms.
Suddenly Patti heard the sound of Bob’s quiet laughter, “Darling, let’s make something good out of this trip after all. We’ve got a date! Come on. Let’s go into the city. I’m disappointed, too, that Al didn’t make his flight connection. But I’m glad that we get to be alone. We’ll drive downtown and grab some dinner. I’m married to a fox, and this old guy isn’t too old to show you a good time.”
So Bob and Patti headed to a nice restaurant overlooking the plaza. At dinner they laughed together as Bob talked about the book he was reading. Patti, refreshed by the meal and Bob’s idea to redeem the day, talked about several things that were important to her: a novel she was reading, their son, a problem she was having with a friend, and a project she was working on at her office.
Bob loved watching her face as she talked. She glowed with beauty.
Noticing his smile, she took his hand and said, “Bob, you don’t know how important you are to me. I find you such a safe place to talk. When you listen to my heart, I gain so much confidence. I can say things to you that I can’t say to anyone else. You are my best friend!”
The Number Five Love Need of Women
Patti is right. Bob is her best friend. And he is aware that friendship is very important to his wife.
I thought it was very interesting that both husbands and wives rated friendship (companionship) in their top five love needs. For wives, the need rated number five; for men, the need rated number three.
While both men and women express a need for friendship/companionship, they see friendship in marriage in very different ways. A husband will think of friendship as doing things with his wife. Admit it, guys. You probably think of friendship with your wife as taking her along on activities that you enjoy (and assuming that she enjoys those activities as well). Your wife, on the other hand, would probably say that she feels most like your friend when the two of you are sharing heart-to-heart communication, when you are having special time together to focus on just the two of you, or when you are dreaming of the future together. Washing the car together or cleaning out the garage together may not be her idea of friendship! Oh, she’ll probably work with you, and she’ll probably be glad the job is getting done—but it probably won’t be meeting her love need for friendship.
Many of you have your male friends—guys who like to do the same things you do, such as watching sports, fishing, working on cars, or playing baseball. Those friendships are valuable to you, and you want to nurture them. You make time for your buddies; you enjoy their company.
Your wife is also your friend—in fact, she should be your best friend. You still need your male buddies to hang out with, and your wife knows that. But she also knows that she wants to be your very best friend. She wants you to want to spend time with her too. She wants you to value her, to care about your relationship enough to want to nurture it.
The kind of friendship your wife needs, however, is different from what your buddies need. She wants to feel complete security and trust in you. She wants to know that when she opens up to you with the confidential parts of herself, you will respond as a close and caring friend. You need to make your wife feel safe and accepted.
You need to be her best friend; she needs to be your best friend.
Your Wife, Your Friend
Just as you have your buddies, your wife probably also has a set of women friends. These are the ones with whom she has lunch, does crafts, or goes to activities or exercise class. She may even consider a few of these women to be her best friends.
But she wants you as her best best friend. You see, her other friends may change or move away; you are there for the long haul. Her other friends see her at her best; you have been there at her worst. Because you are her best best friend, she knows that you will always be there for her, no matter what. You will be her companion through thick and thin—career changes, family changes, age, weight gain, graying hair, and wrinkles. You will be her companion for the rest of your lives. You will be doing things together for many years to come. You are an “unlimited” partnership, working together through the twists and turns of life.
Your wife needs to know that you enjoy being with her. She needs to know that she can feel safe with you. She needs to know that she can share absolutely anything with you—her ups and downs, her struggles and joys. She needs to hear that you have her very best in mind at all times. She needs to know that you will be there for her in the dark times, ready to wrap your strong arms around her and comfort her.
Integrity is an important part of friendship. Are you completely trustworthy? Does your wife know that she can trust you, that your word is your bond, that what you tell her is always the absolute truth? Are you the same person in public and in private? Your wife needs to know that she can trust you.
Your wife needs you to honor her. Too many women deal every day with husbands who belittle and berate them and everything they do. Friends don’t do that to each other, so you should not do that to your wife. Speak lovingly to her, encourage her, brag about her in public, and respect her. I know from experience that a wife who is treated like this will blossom with poise and confidence. I guarantee it. And she will respond in kind to you.
Showing Friendship and Companionship
Now that you know some of your wife’s needs, let’s consider some ideas about how you can meet them. (For a more complete treatment of this topic, read chapter 10 in our book The Five Love Needs of Men and Women.)
When you meet your wife’s love need for friendship and companionship, you are creating a friendship that will literally last for a lifetime! Hey, since you’re together anyway, why not have fun?
Of course, what is the basic fundamental of a good friendship? It is people who do things together. That’s how friends are made—it’s probably how you met your wife. So don’t stop now—do things together. They don’t have to be extravagant. Your wife just wants to be with you, and she wants to know that you want to be with her. Sometimes this “togetherness” can be a part of the daily routine. Instead of going separate directions on Saturday in order to get the errands run, do them together. At other times, togetherness can take the form of special dates or other activities that you plan and set aside the time to do.
Another part of friendship is security. Your wife wants you with her (that is, connected to her and looking out for her), and she wants you committed to her (that is, she needs to know that you will never leave her—emotionally, spiritually, or physically).
Friends also step into each other’s worlds. They know about each other. They discuss what they’re thinking, doing, reading, hoping. When was the last time you asked your wife about her goals, the book she is reading, her involvement at your kids’ school, or how the committee she’s on at church is going?
Friends talk about the past and the future. Often the best friendships are those that go way back, those that allow you to talk about the memories of times past. That is true for your friendship with your wife. Set aside times to talk about the past, remembering significant events you’ve shared. Consider how far you’ve come and how you’ve changed, both separately and together. Then look confidently to the future.
Pre-Date Ideas
Before you consider the suggested dates in this section, I’d like you to think about your wife for a few minutes. Focus on the following questions:
• Do I think of my wife as my best friend?
• What kind of friend does my wife need me to be?
• For my wife, the most important ingredient of friendship in our marriage is . . .
• Does my wife feel safe with me?
• Does my wife trust me? Am I always trustworthy?
• Do I express an interest in my wife’s activities? Do I really know what she does on this or that committee? Do I know what book she’s currently reading? Do I communicate with my wife daily to hear her thoughts and feelings about her day and people she’s involved with?
Do you want to be friends with your wife? Of course you do. What drew you to her when you first met? What kind of friendship did you develop in the early stages of your relationship? On what was it based? What can you do to rekindle that friendship?
Look over the dates below, and see if you can find one that you can make your own. Don’t forget to bring along this book or write down some of the discussion questions that appear at the end of this date. These are to help you get a discussion started about your wife’s love need for friendship. What you learn from her will give you information to take with you so that you can continue to meet this love need for her every day. Finally, look over the Unforgettable Tips and the Post-Date Ideas that are included after the four Date Ideas.
Your wife may have lots of female friends, but she truly wants you to be her best friend. As you consider the Date Ideas below, think about what you can do to show her that you consider her to be your very best friend—forever.
Four Suggested Dates with Your Wife
Out to Lunch
Take your wife out to lunch. Whether or not she works outside the home, every woman loves to have a “power lunch” with her best friend. She will also love the fact that you are taking the time out of your day to be with her.
While it may sound easy, carefully consider your family and work situation and decide if you will need to plan ahead. It would be great if you could pop in on your wife and surprise her with an invitation to lunch, but you have to decide if that would be a good way to do it or if it would cause more stress for her.
This date obviously has its time limitations. You need to be sensitive to her time schedule at home or at work. If you are planning ahead, maybe you can plan for a longer lunchtime for you both. Take along the discussion questions, realizing that you may have to follow up on some later.
Prep Steps
• Get the date on both of your schedules. (If you want to try to surprise your wife, consider all the scenarios. If she is home with kids, you will have to cover babysitting. Take into account that she may need at least a little time to get ready to go out. If she works outside the home, consider how a surprise will affect her day. Does she already have a lunch meeting scheduled? She will want to be with you but may have to be somewhere else—not the scenario you want!)
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed (a neighbor or friend often may be happy to do this for an hour or so at lunchtime).
• Choose a place. If it’s a popular place, make reservations so you don’t end up standing in line.
• Decide whether you’re going to pick her up or have her meet you there.
• Bring a red rose or a spray of her favorite flowers.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Dating Days
Relive your early dating days, back when you were “just friends,” remember? What did you do together then? Play tennis? Visit antique shops? Look through bookstores? Go for long walks? Visit art galleries? Play board games? Go hiking?
Now plan a date doing one of those activities—something that you enjoyed doing together as friends. If you used to enjoy spending time in bookstores on some of your early dates, then plan a date with your wife to do just that. She’ll be thrilled to know that you’re remembering those dating days so fondly and that you want to rekindle that friendship.
Prep Steps
• Get the date on both of your schedules—and the family master schedule.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• Depending on the type of date, consider what type of planning you need to do. Check on the opening and closing times for stores or galleries; reserve a tennis court, whatever.
• Tell your wife what you’ll be doing and why. She’ll love it! And because of the wide variations that this date could encompass, she will want to know how to dress and what to expect. She’ll spend the day anticipating this date with her own memories of those early dates with you.
• Depending on the type of date, plan additional time to eat out or go somewhere in order to be able to discuss the questions. Make reservations, if needed.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
• Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Hobby Lobby
Does your wife have a hobby that she is passionate about? What does she do in her spare time? Is she constantly working on scrapbooks? Is she an avid reader? Does she enjoy working in the garden?
Depending on what her hobby is, get involved in it with her. Work for an afternoon on her scrapbooks, and learn what it is that she loves about it. Ask her to recommend a book she has read recently; then read the book and discuss it with her. Go out in the garden, and help her plant or weed. Find out what she enjoys about her flowers and plants. After sharing in her activities, spend some time talking about the Let’s Talk questions.
Maybe your wife doesn’t really have a hobby. Talk to her about something she’d like to learn to do. Has she expressed an interest in learning photography? Have you both wanted to take ballroom-dancing lessons? Here’s a chance to do something together. Take a class, and learn how to do these things. This may be more of a long-term commitment, but then so is your marriage! Set aside some time early on to talk through the Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• Talk to your wife about her favorite things to do. If she has an obvious hobby, tell her you want to join her in that hobby for a day. Then be ready to learn! No fair turning on the big game or getting bored too quickly. Focus on your wife, and learn all that you can about her hobby and about her as you watch her at work. Do what you can to help.
• If she doesn’t have an obvious hobby, talk about what she might like to learn to do. Together keep an eye out for a class or whatever might fill the need. (Don’t check this off until you have found it and signed up!)
• Get the date for working on your wife’s hobby or the date for the class(es) you’ll be attending on everyone’s calendar.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• Be sure to have ready whatever equipment you might need for the first class.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
“Benchmark” Weekend
In our book The Five Love Needs of Men and Women I discussed the importance of creating “benchmark” times. By this I mean times when your focus is shared memories and the miles you’ve traveled in your marriage. It’s a time to discuss life—with all its sunshine and storms. Ideally, these benchmark times should come around every year or every couple of years. This provides a time to reconnect, to reflect, to celebrate, to reevaluate, and to adjust your friendship.
So for this date, create a benchmark time for your wife. Schedule an overnight or a weekend away. Go far enough that it almost feels like a vacation. Make your destination a surprise if you can.
I’d suggest a cozy bed-and-breakfast. You can find tons of such places by doing a little research on the Internet or in B & B directories at the library. Make reservations. Plan to leave early enough on a Friday to have time that evening for a nice dinner and talk. Then see what else comes along to enjoy the next morning in the locale. Shop the little shops with your wife. Check out the antiques. Try some new kind of food. Do these things together, and build a memory—a friendship memory.
Prep Steps
• Find a weekend—at least a Friday night through Saturday—that you can get away. Get the date on both of your schedules and the family master schedule. The rule is that nothing can break this date except an extreme family crisis.
• If you have children, you may need to schedule an overnight babysitter. Perhaps the kids can stay with grandparents. If your children are old enough, see if they can stay overnight with friends.
• Tell your wife to pack her overnight bag. While you can be mysterious about the location, be sure she knows what kinds of clothing she will need. If you’re planning a walk in the woods, be sure she knows to wear appropriate clothing. If you’re also hoping for dinner in a nice restaurant, she needs to know to bring an outfit for that occasion as well. (Believe me—if you don’t tell her, trying to take her into a nice restaurant while she is still wearing hiking boots will definitely ruin the mood you’re trying to create!)
• Help the kids get all their overnight things packed, and get them to their locations. Leave your cell phone number or the number of the place where you will be staying with whoever is watching your kids. Have those people’s phone numbers on hand as well.
• Plan for this type of activity to be an annual event.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists below.
* * *
Unforgettable Tips
1. Purchase one of those necklaces or key chains designed for “best friends.” Half goes to one friend, half goes to the other friend. During the date, give one half to your wife as a gift; you carry the other half.
2. During the date, be sure to tell your wife that she is your best friend and that you want to be her best friend forever.
3. Take a photo of your wife sometime during the date. Later have the photo enlarged, and put it in a nice frame to take to work with you. Have her take a photo of you for the same purpose. If you can get someone to take one of you together, do that too.
Post-Date Ideas
1. Leave some notes for your wife in places you know she’ll find them during the day. Say, “You’re my best friend” or “Best Friends Forever.”
2. On a night when you might usually be out with the guys, change plans. Tell the guys that you’re going to hang out with your best friend tonight—and let your wife hear you say it.
3. Turn off the TV and say, “What shall we do together tonight?”
4. When you get home from work each night, give your wife a hug and kiss and tell her that you’re glad to be home with her.
5. If you have some photos of your dating days, pull them out, and enjoy an evening looking them over. Pull out your wedding pictures while you’re at it.
6. Begin to act on at least one comment she made in your discussion.
Choose some questions/comments from each level to help guide your discussion during your date. This way you can learn more about how you can meet your wife’s need for friendship/companionship.
LEVEL 1:
Dip Your Toes into the Water
• “What are a few things I do that refresh you the most?”
• “What’s your favorite hobby? When you have some free time, what do you like to do most?”
• “Tell me about the best vacation you ever had.”
• “If you won an all-expense-paid trip to anywhere in the world, where would you go?”
• “What can we do to exercise together on a regular basis?”
• “What’s your favorite sport? Why do you like it? Do you feel that you’re good at it?”
LEVEL 2:
Up to Your Ankles
• “Do you feel that I spend enough of my free time with you? What things do you feel cut into our time together?”
• “Before we were married, were your closest friends girls or guys? Why? Describe for me your best friend at that time.”
• “Describe two of your favorite memories of things we’ve done together.”
• “Have we learned any hard lessons in the last six months? If so, what are they?”
• “What do you enjoy most about your life? What would you like to change?”
LEVEL 3:
Treading in Deeper Waters
• “If we were to read a book together, what kind would it be? Do you have any suggestions? How could we make the time?”
• “When you were an adolescent, how important to you was being popular? To what extent did you notice friends who were trying to be popular?”
• “What are some special activities you would like for the two of us to do together?”
• “Describe some dream accomplishments for yourself at ages forty, sixty, and eighty.”
• “Who are currently your closest friends? Why?”
• “What item in our schedule would you most like to change?”
LEVEL 4:
Bouncing on the Waves
• “Describe three ways we can enjoy each other more.”
• “Let me read you this quote from Nels F. S. Ferre: ‘The first general rule for friendship is to be a friend, to be open, natural, interested; the second rule is to take time for friendship.’ In what ways am I or am I not open, natural, interested in you? In what ways do I take time to just be your friend? How can I do this better?”
• “What would you think if we started to have weekly meetings to talk through our schedule, the kids, the bills, the future, etc.? What day and time would be best for this?”
• “In what ways do you look forward to growing old together?”
• “What is it about female friendships that sometimes make them deeper than marriage friendships?”
• “What three things can we start doing to become better friends?”
LEVEL 5:
Diving in Head First
• “What kinds of ‘unexpected’ things might I do to spice up our relationship?”
• “What do you think prevents couples from becoming (or staying) best friends? What three things could we do to become better friends?”
• “Let’s talk about some of the ways we’ve tried to stimulate growth in our relationship before quitting because we got lazy or too busy. Which one of these could we start again with a renewed vision for what it was meant to accomplish?”
• Tell your wife in what ways you see her reaching her fullest potential. Tell her what gifts you see in her life, and offer some encouragement for her to use those gifts.
• “Do you think of me as your best best friend? If not, what can I do to be a better friend to you?”
• “Do you feel safe with me? Do you trust me? If not, why not? What can I do to help you feel more safe? What can I do to help you trust me?”