Chapter Five
A Date to Meet My Wife’s Need for Spiritual Intimacy
Barb shares ideas with husbands
Carrie was homesick. As newlyweds she and her husband, Terry, had moved halfway across the country to land the perfect job in northern California. But the holidays were approaching, and expenses were tight—which meant not going home to see family and friends over the holidays.
Carrie knew that she needed lots of strength from God to help her overcome the anguish of feeling alone in a new setting, and she shared that need with her husband. Terry knew he, too, needed wisdom and God’s provision to weather the stress of a new job, a new location, as well as a new relationship to Carrie. So he kept a daily appointment with God by reading the Bible and spending time in prayer. One of Terry’s mentors had told him that the best thing he could do to help his wife spiritually was to keep his own spiritual life vibrant.
Each morning Terry asked God for provision not only for himself but also for his wife. Wanting to keep his wife’s needs a priority, he wrote at the top of each page in his daily planner, “Pray for Carrie’s needs, and look for ways to help her grow spiritually.”
One night when they were having dinner, Terry asked Carrie how she was feeling about being away from family and friends. The tears that filled her eyes said it all. He reached over, took her hand in his, and prayed softly, asking God to touch her pain and to comfort her in her distress. He felt her relax as he prayed, and the smile on her face when he was done praying encouraged him.
Carrie was comforted by her husband’s spiritual provision for her, and their growing spiritual life eased her insecurity. She became more confident in their new setting. Terry’s example of spiritual leadership in their home set the tone for Carrie, and after a few months she began a neighborhood Bible study, which proved to be a significant source of spiritual growth and satisfying relationships for her.
Terry’s commitment to partner spiritually with his wife forged in their marriage a supernatural strength that would take them through the most difficult of times.
The Number Three Love Need of Women
The love need for spiritual intimacy appeared in the top five for both men and women. Men ranked it number five; women ranked it number three. Clearly, Christian couples see themselves as more than just the two of them. They picture their marriage like a cord with three strands—God, husband, wife—inextricably woven together. And because of that, they are very aware of the spiritual dimension of their lives and of their marriage. From a wife’s perspective, spiritual intimacy involves her husband’s own spiritual growth, shared spiritual growth between her and her husband, communication about spiritual matters, and her husband’s spiritual leadership in the home.
For women, spiritual intimacy is built on a foundation of trust. Of course, trust pops up in many of these love needs, but in the case of spiritual intimacy, a woman needs to know that her husband is completely trustworthy. Your wife needs to know that she can trust you in the areas of your own personal relationship with God and in your support of her spiritual growth. She also wants to be able to trust in your godly leadership through decisions that affect the family and in your spiritual upbringing of the children.
Sound like a lot of responsibility? You bet! Can you handle it? Of course. But you’re not alone in this. God invites you to depend on his Spirit and power.
You assumed this responsibility when you got married. According to the Bible, you are the spiritual “head” or leader of your home. Most men want to be leaders, but few succeed at it. Many prefer to dictate without leading by example. An authentic leader leads by mentoring his wife and kids. Your wife doesn’t want to be told what to do; she needs to be shown by your example. Real leaders of the home reach out when they see a need, offering to help. Your wife needs you to have a vibrant spiritual life, and she wants to watch as you experience God’s grace firsthand. Then you will be ready to pass it on to others.
This kind of leadership involves much more than just bringing home the bacon. It involves building your wife’s confidence that your words, actions, and decisions arise from your relationship to God, which you nurture through consistent Bible study and prayer.
Spiritual leadership does not mean that you must meet all of your wife’s spiritual needs. Only God can do that. But your example can lead her to God, who can truly meet her needs. You can take the initiative by reading Scripture together, praying together, and having open discussion about your spiritual growth.
Granted, your wife may go ahead without you if you choose not to take the time to grow spiritually. Eventually, you may find her miles ahead of you, waving at you from the distance. (And you can bet she’s doing lots of praying for you from over there!) But, believe me, she really doesn’t want to be over there all by herself. She wants you by her side, even a couple of steps ahead. And guys, when you let your wife carry the spiritual responsibility in the home, you’re missing out on a depth in your relationship that you won’t find anywhere else. You’re missing out on hearing her heartfelt prayers for you. You’re missing out on the godly perspective and advice she can give. And you’re missing out on meeting one of her most deeply felt love needs.
Two Lives, One Holy Spirit
Think about it. When you are helping your wife to grow spiritually, you are helping her to be a great wife, a terrific mother, and a valuable servant of her Lord. And if you were to ask her, she’d probably say that those are some of her top goals in life. So by encouraging her spiritual growth, you’re helping her to fulfill many of her own deepest desires.
Your wife needs to be growing spiritually because she is a child of God. She needs to care for her personal relationship with her Father. Obviously, you are not God, and you are not responsible for her growth. God is the source of her strength, her salvation, and her security. But your encouragement by your example, fervent prayer life, and continued growth and development as a man can cause her to become increasingly more tender and open toward growing spiritually. Encourage her to quench her spiritual thirst by having her own time to pray and study the Bible, by becoming part of a group Bible study, or by attending a women’s conference. Don’t let her off the hook if she says that she teaches Sunday school or is a small-group leader. So many women are so busy feeding others that they aren’t being fed themselves. She needs to be given food and water for her own soul on a regular basis.
What does that mean for you? Perhaps you’ll provide a few minutes of quiet time each day so she can have devotions. Maybe you’ll need to watch the kids so she can go to a Bible study or a conference. Consider it a high honor to be able to encourage her in this way.
Your wife also needs fellowship with other Christians, but especially you—her best friend. You need to have a church that you call home. Join a small group that meets for prayer, study, or service. Think about having a couple’s study with some friends. As the Christian adult who is with your wife most regularly, take the time to talk about spiritual things together. She longs for this kind of connection with you.
Is your wife expressing her spiritual gifts? One couple we know recently discovered that the wife has a strong gift of teaching. The women’s Bible study at their church approached her to fill in for a teacher who had to be away on a trip. This wife threw herself into her assignment with relish and gave her lesson with the obvious hand of God. She loved it! The women loved it, too, so much that they added her to their team of teachers. She was a bit reticent at first—it would be a time commitment, one she might not be able to afford with her other responsibilities. In addition, some of her old insecurities took over—was she really worthy to stand up and teach anyone anything? But her husband told her that he had long seen this gift in her and was excited that someone else finally saw it and was able to do something about it. When she feels overwhelmed, her husband is there to encourage her, affirm her knowledge of God’s Word, and tell her she’s gifted by God and has a responsibility to use her gift for his glory.
Your wife will grow in her faith as she uses her spiritual gifts. If she doesn’t know what they are, try to help her discover them. If she already knows, pray with her to discover how she might best use her gifts.
This may come as a surprise to you, guys, but one of the best ways to meet your wife’s need for spiritual intimacy is for you to take on the mantle of leadership that God has given. (Now, it is important to understand that there are different types of leadership. In our book The Five Love Needs of Men and Women, I discuss the controlling leader, the passive leader, and the servant leader. Obviously, the first two are negatives, and your goal is to be a servant leader in your family. (Check out chapter 6 for more information.) You need to be your wife’s spiritual sounding board. She needs to know that she can talk with you about spiritual things. Commend her spiritual strengths. Above all, lead a vibrant spiritual life yourself. Let her see that God comes first in your life (she’ll gladly take second place to God!). Pray for her and with her. Let her see you read your Bible. Read it together.
Some of you may be saying, “Hey, we already do all that.” Good for you! But I guarantee that many reading this book are saying, “Pray with my wife? Read the Bible with her?” Some of you know, deep down, that you want this too (remember, it’s a love need of yours as well), but you just don’t know where to begin. The next section will give you some thoughts, and our Date Ideas will give you even more opportunity to move naturally into this vital area of your lives.
Pre-Date Ideas
Before you consider the suggested dates in each section, ask yourself a few questions:
• How would I describe my wife’s personal relationship with Jesus Christ? What makes her tick spiritually?
• Does my wife have a daily time for Bible reading and prayer? When? How often does she pray?
• Does she consider me the spiritual leader of our household?
• How is my personal walk with God?
• What are my wife’s spiritual gifts? How is she using them?
• Do I pray for my wife? How often? Do I know what my wife would like me to pray about for her?
Consider the rewards you will reap from meeting this love need for your wife. As the two of you grow closer together spiritually, that cord of three strands—the two of you and God—is woven ever more tightly. When you know that you can lean on each other for spiritual strength and godly guidance, you know that you can weather any stresses or storms that come into your marriage.
Even further, as your children watch this kind of love between the two of you, they will discover what they should look for in the future. They will see the absolute necessity of having a godly spouse. They will understand the power of prayer and of knowing God’s Word. They will see that the Bible is indeed “full of living power” (Hebrews 4:12) and has words that apply to today and every day.
Four Suggested Dates with Your Wife
Get the Group Together
If you are already attending a couples’ Bible study of some kind, use the evening of that study for this particular date. Plan ahead with the other men at the Bible study. Tell them about this book and what you’re doing. Ask if they would be up for a “celebrate our wives” night at Bible study. It should come as a surprise to the women. Tell the guys that they will have a couple of minutes to say something to their wives and to read a few verses to her.
Get together as usual, but suspend the lesson for that night. Have each man prepare ahead of time something to say about his wife. Have the wives share prayer requests. Have each husband and wife hold hands with each other. If your group is comfortable praying aloud, have each husband pray aloud for his wife. If not, have each couple pray quietly together.
Enjoy some dessert—that you guys brought! Set aside some time later that evening or the next day to talk with your wife about the Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• Talk to the leader and the other guys in your Bible study about planning this evening.
• Ask the guys to prepare something to say to their wives—give everyone an idea so all the guys are on the same page. Have each one choose a few verses of Scripture to read to his wife.
• Tell the guys to keep it a secret.
• Make sure one of the guys is prepared to provide a dessert. If someone else had already been assigned to provide the dessert, make sure you tell that person that he or she doesn’t have to do it for that week.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
A Day in God’s Creation
Get out into God’s beautiful creation. Plan a day out with your wife. Take along a picnic lunch—this can be as simple as sandwiches from the deli. Find a beautiful location where you will be totally alone: on a hill above town, by the seashore, out in the woods, or on a bridge overlooking a stream. Take along a blanket and whatever else you need to have a comfortable time. Sit and enjoy the beauty of God’s handiwork and the beauty of your wife. Take along the Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• This can be fairly spontaneous because you will need to have nice weather. If on Friday the forecast is good for Saturday or Sunday, kick into gear with this. Tell your wife to plan for a couple of hours away.
• Decide on your perfect location.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• Pack a blanket or some lawn chairs.
• Decide what you’ll want to take for lunch, and buy it ahead of time. Or on the way to the place you’ve picked out, stop at a deli and pick out things you both will enjoy.
• Make sure your wife is dressed comfortably (take along sweatshirts if it might get chilly).
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
A Special Birthday Surprise
What better time to celebrate God’s gift of your wife than on her birthday! If her birthday is coming up, great! Otherwise, wait to do this date, or just do it on her half-birthday, or three-quarters birthday, or 7/12 birthday (you know, the number of her birthday in whatever month you’re in—at least then she won’t be expecting it!). In any case, make it a birthday celebration—complete with a cake, decorations, and a gift. If you have children, you can involve them in this one. You can have them plan a meal and prepare it (if they’re old enough), or you can take everyone out for dinner. In a special prayer, thank God for giving you the gift of your wife. Then give her a special gift from you.
If you’re alone, talk about some of the Let’s Talk questions. Otherwise, plan some time at home later to go over the questions.
Prep Steps
• Tell your wife to set aside some time to go out with you on a particular evening.
• Make reservations at her favorite place to eat.
• Decide if you’re including your kids. If not, schedule a babysitter.
• Purchase a gift for your wife—something very special that she will treasure.
• Include a special dessert—birthday cake or her favorite dessert. If your children are old enough, they could stay home and decorate a cake while you and your wife are out. Then you could return home from dinner and have cake with the whole family.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Commit a Kidnapping
All right, guys. You’re about to become guilty of a felony. That’s right. You’re going to kidnap your wife and take her away for the weekend.
Arrive home or at your wife’s office, scoop your wife into the car, and off you go. I promise, no police cars will be following.
The focus of this date is to be able to get away for an extended period of time. This will allow time for the important topic of spiritual intimacy—something that you have difficulty talking about, especially if you’re trying to fit your discussion into a shorter time period. Some of the Let’s Talk questions are pretty deep, and you may need the extra time to explore them sufficiently.
If you’re finding that spiritual intimacy is a challenge in your marriage, this may be the best date for you. Spend time away so that you can read God’s Word and pray together without the distractions of home, children, and telephones. This could be a way to jump-start a spiritual relationship that will last long after this weekend is over.
Prep Steps
• Decide on the target date. Check with your wife in rather noncommittal terms: “We have nothing going on such and such a date, do we? Well, keep it clear for now.”
• If she works outside the home, check with her boss about letting her off a couple of hours early. Check with your boss about the same.
• Make reservations for dinner and your overnight stay.
• Provide for babysitting for the children, if needed.
• If you can pull it off, try to pack her luggage ahead of time so that the weekend away can be a complete surprise. Make a list of the clothing and makeup she’ll need. If she’s home all day and you can’t pack her bag, then just call her an hour before you get home to clue her in slightly—just tell her to pack an overnight bag.
• Pack some treats in the car for the ride to the location you’ve selected.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists below.
* * *
Unforgettable Tips
1. If your wife needs, or would like, a new Bible, purchase one for her. (Or, with the large selection currently available, take her shopping so she can pick out one for herself.) You might want to get her a nice leather edition and have her name embossed on the cover. For the past few years I have used Tyndale’s One Year Bible, which includes a daily reading from the Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. It helps me move through the entire Bible in a year.
2. If your wife already has a favorite, well-worn Bible, you might want to purchase a Bible cover for her.
3. Buy your wife a devotional book that will help her grow spiritually. Diane Eble’s Abundant Gifts (Tyndale House) is a devotional daybook that celebrates and makes us aware of God’s many gifts to us, including how we can use our gifts to help others.
4. At some point during your date, tell your wife that you are glad that God gave her to you.
5. Put “Pray for my wife’s needs and spiritual growth” at the top of every page in your day planner. Then begin a discipline of praying daily for her. Show your wife your planner, and let her know that praying for her is your top priority every day.
6. Hold your wife’s hands or wrap your arms around her and pray for her aloud.
7. Talk about a ministry that the two of you might be able to do together.
Post-Date Ideas
• On Post-it notes or index cards, write out a Scripture verse that will remind your wife of God’s love for her and his plan for her life. Every day or two during the next few weeks, leave a verse in a conspicuous place—the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, in her purse, in her Bible. Let her know you’re praying for her too.
• Call your wife at least twice a week, and ask her what you can pray about for her.
• Let your wife see you reading your Bible. Try to make time to read God’s Word with her every day—even if it’s only a few verses.
• Purchase a devotional book for couples, and begin to use it. Bill and Nancie Carmichael’s Lord, Bless This Marriage (Tyndale House) is a yearlong devotional that includes Scripture, meditations, questions, and a prayer journal to record your spiritual prayer journey as a couple.
• Begin to act on at least one comment that she made during the date.
Choose some questions/comments from each level to help guide your discussion during your date. This way you can learn more about how you can meet your wife’s need for spiritual intimacy.
LEVEL 1:
Dip Your Toes into the Water
• “What are your favorite hymns or choruses? Why are they favorites?”
• “What one question will you be sure to ask God when you meet him?”
• “Do you think that we generally get involved with people who are good for us and for our relationship to one another and to God? If you think some of our relationships are questionable, what should we do about them?”
• “What new Christmas or Easter tradition would you like to start this year?”
• “Tell me about your funniest camp or youth-group experience from your past.”
• “What is your favorite part of our church service—the music, the sermon, the prayer times, the fellowship with other believers, or something else?”
LEVEL 2:
Up to Your Ankles
• You’ve probably heard about your wife’s spiritual journey before, but ask her to tell you about it again.
• “What helps you grow closer to Christ? What things interfere with your spiritual life?”
• “Do you believe that God performs miracles today? In what ways? When was the last time a miracle happened to us?”
• “In what ways is our marriage a good example to our children (or to our friends)? What do you think our friends say about our marriage? Why? Are they right?”
• “If you could meet anyone in the Bible, who would it be? Why? What would you ask? What would you share?”
LEVEL 3:
Treading in Deeper Waters
• “What spiritual gifts do you think God has given you for serving him?” Then tell her what you see in her.
• “Are you satisfied with our level of involvement in our church and/or community? Why or why not? What needs to change?”
• “In what areas do we minister to others better as a team? In what areas are we better ministers as individuals? How can I be more supportive in the activities you do without me?”
• If she attends a women’s Bible study, ask her about it. “What are you studying? What is your role? Are you getting refreshed there? Why or why not?”
• “Do you have a daily time to pray alone and read the Bible? If so, when? If not, why not? What do you do during that time? How does it refresh you?”
• “What experiences have allowed you to believe in a kind and loving God? Is there anything in the world that causes you to doubt this?”
LEVEL 4:
Bouncing on the Waves
• “In what ways do I treat you as a fellow heir in Christ? In what ways don’t I?”
• “Are you satisfied about how I make decisions for our family? Why or why not? What can I do better?”
• “Are you satisfied with the time we spend together reading the Bible and praying? What can we do together to meet each other’s needs in this area?”
• “Since conflict is inevitable in marriage, how are we doing in terms of resolving our conflicts? What can we do better?”
• “Do you have difficulty with the concept of me as ‘head’ of the household? Why or why not?”
LEVEL 5:
Diving in Head First
• “In what ways am I encouraging you in your spiritual walk with God? What else would you like me to do?”
• “Do you view me as the spiritual leader of our household? If not, what needs to change? If so, tell me how you see that leadership expressed and how it makes you feel when I take leadership.”
• “In what ways do you feel that you can trust me in spiritual matters? Where are you having doubts?”
• “Do you think we are honoring God with the way we spend, give, and save our money? How could we do better?”
• “What five things do you think we have to do to start encouraging our children to own their faith (instead of borrowing ours)?”