Chapter Six
A Date to Meet My Wife’s Need for Emotional Intimacy and Communication
Barb Shares Ideas with Husbands
Meg was on the go from the time she woke up each morning: racing the kids to school, working at the library, and maintaining a family calendar. And she was wearing down. Her husband, Joe, missed the long talks they used to have in the earlier years of their marriage. He felt a growing distance between them.
One night as he walked into the house after a long day at work, he saw the droop in Meg’s shoulders and made a decision. “Meg, we need some time together. Let’s get out of here and have a meal out. I’ll call the restaurant and see if our favorite booth beside the fireplace is available. I’ll even call the babysitter. You take a bit of a breather, and we can leave when the babysitter arrives. How about it? I won’t take no for an answer.” In less than forty minutes they walked out the door.
Alone together for the first time in months, they sat and talked. Joe put his arm around his wife, and she melted. Meg let her thoughts tumble out. “I’ve been under an inordinate amount of stress at work . . . I’m upset with my sister. . . . It’s been a rough day with the kids. . . . I’ve had a lot of things on my mind, and I don’t have a place to take them when we are so busy.” He listened as Meg cataloged the stresses she was facing. “Whether it’s the kids or the daily stuff, I tend to get anxious and I need someone to download my thoughts with. I miss talking to you,” she said, beginning to relax.
“I do too. We’ve both been too busy lately. How can we change that? I want to spend more time with you.”
Two hours later, when the wait staff started to turn off lights in the dining room, Meg and Joe realized that they had reconnected emotionally. They had talked about some solutions to their busyness as well as their jobs, their kids, and their life together.
Taking a deep sigh, Meg looked at her husband and said, “Joe, you knew just what we needed tonight. I feel so much better already. Talking with you always gives me perspective. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Let’s not wait months to do this again.”
The Number Two Love Need of Women
While our survey showed that husbands and wives share four of the five love needs (although they may rank them at a different level of priority), the need for emotional intimacy and communication belongs to wives alone. However, there still is a parallel. Both husbands and wives long for intimacy. In fact, both of them place it as their number two love need. But they spell it differently. For women, intimacy is spelled T-A-L-K. For men, intimacy is spelled S-E-X. So you see, the love need is the same, but the way it needs to be fulfilled is vastly different between men and women.
You guys long for intimacy with your wife in the privacy of your bedroom. You look forward to sex. Your wife does too, but she’s going to approach it in an entirely different way.
Let me try to explain this better. Men are able to compartmentalize their lives. You can put all the different parts of your lives in different boxes. You have your friends in a box over there, your daily job in a box on that shelf, your communication with your wife in a box on the other shelf, your sex life with your wife in yet another box, and then your church and community life in another box in the corner. They’re all separate boxes. What’s happening in one doesn’t necessarily affect another one. So you may be exhausted from work, mad at a friend, not in touch with your wife for a particular day, but it takes only one look at her when you get home—and you’re ready for sexual involvement. For you, making love is a very separate act from everything else.
Your wife’s boxes, however, are all standing in a row, all open, and they have a rope tying them together. Her friends, her daily job, her communication with you, her involvement with the kids, and her sex life with you may be in separate boxes, but they’re all closely connected. When one box is affected, there’s a chain reaction that affects all the other boxes. So if she’s had a rough day at work or with the kids, if she’s mad at a friend, or if she feels that she hasn’t had much communication or involvement from you during the day, she will feel completely drained. Not even the sight of your muscular build and twinkling eyes can change that. She’s not rejecting you; it’s just that one of her boxes is out of whack, and that is affecting everything else.
Organizing the Boxes
So how do you step in and meet your wife’s need for emotional intimacy and communication? For many men, this is extremely difficult. They don’t get it. They shake their heads and decide to not even try. Communication is draining; it can be a challenge. But hey, we’re not asking for a whole lot here, guys! We just want to talk—like we used to do back in those dating days.
Let me explain something. Your wife needs sex too. Times of intimacy with you truly are a source of great fulfillment. However, she doesn’t ever want to feel as if she is being used. She wants sex with you to come in the context of knowing that you love her totally, knowing that she is secure with you. Would you like to know the secret to the greatest sex life ever? Spend some time every day communicating with your wife and meeting her need for emotional intimacy. Trust me on this: you will turn around and find that your wife is much more open to sexual involvement with you when she feels connected to you emotionally.
Now, you may be saying, “Of course I love my wife; she knows that. I told her once back in 1983! That hasn’t changed!” Great. I’m glad you still love your wife, but you see, you need to tell her every day. (Three little words; it’s easy.) Then you need to help her keep those other boxes in line by being connected to what’s going on in her life. You can’t solve all of her problems, but when she is out of whack in an area of life, it’s going to affect everything else. You would be wise to get in there and help straighten the boxes by listening. As she has a chance to regroup, as she understands that her best friend (you) knows what’s going on, then her energy level will come back up, and she will be better able to face the problem. More than that, however, she will feel connected to you when you have listened. That connection will then carry over to her ability and desire to connect with you sexually. You will have met her second most important love need.
Building Emotional Intimacy: Listening
The key to emotional intimacy is communication with your wife; the key to communication is listening. Your wife needs to know that you hear and value what she says. She doesn’t want you to be so drained at the end of your day of listening to everyone else in your life that you have no energy to listen to her. Talking with you is her way of processing her feelings, of getting those boxes back in order. When you truly listen, give her your undivided attention, and try to understand her feelings, you are emotionally connecting with her.
This is not a one-way street. You don’t have to just sit and listen. Your wife also wants to hear all about you. If you had an important meeting with a client over lunch, your wife wants to know how it went. Some wives may even want to know what the client looked like, what you had for lunch, and any other small detail you can remember. (Incidentally, that’s why you get so much of that kind of detail from her—she enjoys those details. So when she starts giving you all that information, take it in stride and listen. It’s just part of her wiring.) You see, your wife has an intense drive to be emotionally transparent with you, and she also wants to know everything about you. When you let her into your world and when you step into her world, you can experience true oneness.
Do you want to earn some big points? Ask your wife what she thinks—get her opinion. Maybe you do this already in the big issues, but get her input on the little things. When she knows you value her opinion, you are touching a deep part of her soul. It may seem small to you guys, but it’s big to us!
As you listen to your wife pour out her heart, you need to be careful of what you say. Most of the time your wife does not need you to fix things for her; she needs you to listen and empathize with her. Let me say that in another way. When your wife tells you what upsets her or what makes her discouraged, don’t immediately say, “Well, it seems to me that if you would . . .” or “Have you tried . . . ?” Instead, show her understanding. Let her know that you see things from her point of view. Ask how she’s dealing with her situation. You can even ask her if she needs your help; then listen to her response. Give her your attention and affection. Hold her as you talk. Give her a shoulder to lean or cry on. When you listen, recognize her emotions and just be there for her as she processes her thoughts and feelings.
At times, of course, this means you’re dealing with conflict—some of it directed at you. This means that you need to learn to fight fair, to resolve conflict between the two of you in the most healthy ways possible. (More about this in chapter 4 in The Five Love Needs of Men and Women book, where I have given keys that will help, when the two of you need to work through a disagreement.)
When you connect emotionally with your wife, you have found the key to unlock her heart.
Pre-Date Ideas
Before you consider the suggested dates in each section, ask yourself a few questions:
• Am I emotionally connected to my wife?
• Do I really listen to her when she talks and take the time to understand?
• Is she the most important person in my life? Does she stand head and shoulders above my most important client or customer in my business?
• Do I show her that she is valuable to me?
• Have we built walls between us? If so, what can I do to help remove the walls and connect emotionally with my wife?
• Does she have any unresolved issues that we need to deal with together?
As you consider these questions, you may realize that you haven’t connected with your wife for a while. Maybe you haven’t really listened to her for a long time. You may have talked, but could you express how she is feeling and what she thinks? You may truly believe that she is the most important person in your life, but does she know it? How does she know? How have you shown this? When was the last time you told her how valuable she is to you?
Do you see why you need this date? This is a time for you to truly let your wife know how much she means to you. It’s to help you understand that your wife needs this kind of reinforcement every day of your marriage.
Four Suggested Dates with Your Wife
Your Chick and a Flick
Here’s a nice, quiet evening at home—not expensive, but certainly lots of fun. You and your wife need to go to the local video store and pick a movie. Tell your wife that she should rent her favorite movie of all time (no matter what it is). If it’s a real oldie and the video store doesn’t have it, the local library might. Watch the movie with the goal of talking with your wife about why that particular movie is her favorite. If she can’t think of a favorite, go to the video store and ask her to pick out some “chick flick” that she wants to see.
Cuddle with your wife while you watch the movie. Try to see it through her eyes. Think of questions you might like to ask her after seeing the movie. Find out how she sees the women in the movie. Are the women portrayed well? Who is her favorite character? Why? Did she like the way the female characters interacted with the males? Did she find the movie romantic? What parts were particularly romantic to her? This then can lead into a time of talking about the Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• You don’t have to plan way ahead for this one. Be spontaneous. Just make sure your wife knows ahead of time. “Tomorrow night we’re going to have a special night together.” Tell her to think about what her favorite movie is, or to think about a “chick flick” that she’s been wanting to see.
• Go to the video store or library, and check out the tape.
• Purchase snacks to eat during the movie.
• If your furniture in the TV room is not great for cuddling, put a blanket and some pillows on the floor and snuggle up together.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
A Hot Bath and a Cold Dessert
Tell your wife you want to give her some time alone to pamper herself. Take her into the bathroom, where you have placed some nice smelling bath soaps, lit some candles, and laid out her favorite nightgown. (Want to score some points? Buy her a pretty new one.)
Let her indulge in a luxurious bubble bath. If you have children, put them to bed while she is soaking. Then when she has finished her bath, tell her to come into the bedroom for some heart-to-heart talking. (You see, she’s figuring that you are expecting something else. But control yourself, guys, this is her love need.) Have a few candles lit and music playing. Have a nice treat ready to eat together—her favorite ice cream, some cheesecake, two slices of tiramisu, whatever. Offer her the food, and then start talking. Use the Let’s Talk questions at the end of the chapter.
Prep Steps
• Set aside a night when you and your wife can have quiet time together. She doesn’t even need to know—but you can give her a hint if you want.
• Purchase some products she can pamper herself with. Get a loofah, some bubble bath, powder, or whatever looks and smells good. If you want to splurge, purchase a new nightgown for your wife.
• Buy or prepare the treat you want to share in bed.
• Purchase candles if you need some.
• Set everything out in the bathroom for her. Just as you’re preparing to put the kids to bed or clean up the dishes, tell her you’ll take care of it and send her off to the bathroom. Leave a note there with instructions.
• While she is soaking, prepare the bedroom with candles, music, and the food.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Out to the Opera (or Something like It)
What does your wife really enjoy, but you rarely do because of time or inconvenience? For example, has she wanted to go to the art museum, a particular opera, or a play? Is that a part of her world that the two of you have rarely shared? Then step in.
Plan a day to take her to the museum or an evening to take her to a performance. Plan ahead to get tickets and seating; the Internet may help you do that. Once you have planned the date, you can just tell your wife you’re going out for a very special time. Tell her how to dress, and then take her to the destination. Let it be a surprise!
Plan to go for a meal or dessert, and spend some time talking about what she loves about the opera, the art exhibit, or whatever. This is a way to give her attention and affection as you get into her world and discover more about the intimate parts of her life. Then use some of the Let’s Talk questions to explore your wife’s inner world more deeply.
Prep Steps
• Scan the newspaper for ideas about what to see. Have your wife give some input, if needed. If you’re planning a museum trip, call to find out the hours it’s open.
• Order the tickets, if needed.
• Get the date on both of your schedules—and the family master schedule.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• Tell your wife how to dress.
• If needed, make meal reservations. Or plan on a location for a great dessert and coffee.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Shop Till You Drop
This one may take a very special kind of guy—but I do actually know some men who enjoy shopping. You’re going to take your wife to the place of all places—the mall. Perhaps you know that your wife really needs a new dress for a certain event, or a new outfit for work, or just something fun. Plan an outing together.
Begin your day with breakfast out. Then head for the mall to help her find that perfect outfit. Plan to have some lunch. Then do some “just for fun” shopping—whether it’s in a bookstore, a furniture store, or the candle shop. Enjoy just looking and being together.
Take your time with your wife, guys. Be patient. Understand what’s going on as she’s trying to decide what to buy. You’ll learn a lot—and the rewards will be well worth it.
Over one of the meals or at the end of your excursion, take time to talk through the Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• Tell your wife ahead of time that you’ll be taking her on a date for the day. Pick a time and get it on your calendar.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• Wear comfortable shoes. You’ll be doing lots of walking.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists below.
* * *
Unforgettable Tips
1. As you talk together, focus entirely on her. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted. Look into her eyes, and talk. Let her know that conversing with her is extremely important to you.
2. Ask questions. Dig deep. Let her share her innermost thoughts with you.
3. Reserve judgment or giving solutions. Just listen.
4. Be there for her emotionally. If there are tears, let them come. Don’t make her feel embarrassed. Seek to understand and to be there for her.
Post-Date Ideas
1. Call your wife once each day. Tell her that you just want to hear her voice. And don’t forget to say those three little words.
2. Before you crawl out of bed in the morning, cuddle with your wife. Kiss her, give her nonsexual touch, and tell her how much you need her.
3. Set aside a few minutes every day just to talk about your day and hear about your wife’s day. Look into her eyes. Give her your attention.
4. Write love notes to your wife. Send them through the mail or e-mail. If you have children, have them deliver the notes. Even if you’re in one room of the house, write a love note, seal it in an envelope, and send your child to take it to your wife.
5. Purchase some “pamper yourself” items for your wife, whether or not you do that particular date above. Leave her some nice bubble bath as a gift with a note on it from you saying, “A day without talking to you would burst my bubble.” On another day, leave a nice candle with a note that says, “Coming home to talk to you brightens my day.” You get the idea.
Choose some questions/comments from each level to help guide your discussion during your date. This way you can learn more about how you can meet your wife’s need for emotional intimacy and communication.
LEVEL 1:
Dip Your Toes into the Water
• “Who are your heroes or people you’ve looked up to over the years?”
• “What really gets on your nerves?”
• “Are you generally an optimist or a pessimist? How do you feel about that?”
• “How can I connect to you more deeply?”
• “Do I touch you enough? In what ways would you like me to physically show my love for you in public? Holding hands, putting my arm around your waist or shoulder?”
• “When you are struggling with a problem area, how would you like me to respond?”
LEVEL 2:
Up to Your Ankles
• “What issues do we seem to have trouble discussing? Why are these difficult, and what should we do to help us communicate about them?”
• “What can we do to grab fifteen minutes a day of uninterrupted talk when we’re both awake enough to pay attention?”
• “In what ways can I continue to ‘court’ you the way I did when we were dating?”
• “How well did your parents communicate? Was one ‘the talker’ and the other more quiet?” Then talk about your parents. Consider how your families have affected your current method of communication in your marriage.
• “Does it ever seem that I’m not giving you my full attention when you’re talking to me? What do I need to do to show you that I am paying attention?”
LEVEL 3:
Treading in Deeper Waters
• “Do I ever give you the silent treatment? If so, how do you feel when I do this? How might we break this pattern?”
• “When we have a fight or an intense discussion, does it seem like I’m really listening to what you say, or am I more interested in getting in what I want to say? What signal can I give to let you know I’m listening and understanding what you’re saying?”
• “If I was to write more notes to you, what kinds of things would you like the notes to say?”
• “What item in our schedule would you most like to change?”
• “How can we set the right atmosphere in our marriage so that both of us feel safe sharing secrets and feelings with each other?”
LEVEL 4:
Bouncing on the Waves
• “What do you think ‘marital intimacy’ means?”
• “How would you characterize the level of honesty in our relationship?” (Let your wife choose one or more of the following statements to describe how she thinks you handle honesty and the truth. Your wife’s response will reveal how secure she feels with you. If you disagree with her assessment, ask her to give you examples of times you have not been honest with her. This is a time to gain information, not to argue.)
1. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
2. You are totally honest about the small stuff.
3. You are totally honest about everything.
4. You know I hide a few things, but you deal with this approach better than knowing all the truth.
5. You’re afraid to tell me some things sometimes for fear of how I’ll respond.
6. You don’t talk because you feel that I can’t handle the truth.
7. Other.
• “In what three ways can I become a better listener?”
• “When do you feel the most distant from me? Does that feeling cause you to want to draw closer, move further away, or stay where you are until the feeling goes away?”
• “What emotions do you have the most trouble dealing with? Do I trigger these emotions in you? If yes, how can I avoid that? If no, how can I help you with your emotional struggle?”
• “What are some of the most important lessons about life you’ve learned this past year?”
LEVEL 5:
Diving in Head First
• “What do you think is the difference between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy? Which do we share more of? Which do you need more of? How can I help to meet that need better?”
• “How do we deal with our anger at each other? When have we let the sun go down on our anger? How can we work through our difficulties in a more God-honoring way?”
• “What are some ways the world is trying to separate us in our marriage relationship?”
• “Do you ever feel that I’m more ‘at one’ with my job, the kids, or a hobby than I am with you? What makes you feel that way? How can I be more ‘at one’ with you?”
• “Do you ever wonder if we will not go the distance in our marriage? How can I improve in how I serve you? In what ways could our marriage become stronger and more secure so that you are not tempted to think about not finishing together?”