Chapter Seven
A Date to Meet My Wife’s Need for Unconditional Love and Acceptance
Barb Shares Ideas with Husbands
Tom saw the rising frustration in Kathryn. She’d been gone a lot during the past week, and their apartment was a mess. The sink was full of dishes, and laundry was scattered all over the place. When Tom mumbled something about not having clean socks, Kathryn lost it.
When she opened her mouth, she unleashed all of her frustration on Tom. He was stunned.
After Kathryn settled down, she was anguished about her outburst—not her first in their three-year marriage. “Tom, I’m so sorry I beat you up with my words. I wish I could take them back. I’m so ashamed of myself.”
“Kathryn, I forgive you for yelling at me.” And before he said anything else—anything about the pace she’d been keeping by taking care of everyone else’s needs and ignoring her own—he asked himself a few questions: Do I really know what Kathryn’s life is like, all day every day? Do I understand how much stress she is handling?
Gathering his thoughts, he said, “Kathryn, you don’t have to bear the brunt of this place. Let’s talk through what needs to get done, and we will do it together. I love you, and I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed.”
Kathryn knows unconditional love. She has experienced Christlike love from Tom, a love that looks beyond what has happened and seeks to love her through her failures. And in the security of that love, she later was able to talk to Tom about her anger, confessing again and discussing better ways to handle her frustration.
When Kathryn and Tom shared the blow-up incident with their small-group Bible study a few weeks later, she turned to her husband and said, “I know I am loved for several reasons. Tom tells me throughout the day and shows me in all sorts of ways. He loves me even when I am unlovable. He loves me even when it would be easier to be angry with me and walk away. I am so thankful to God for Tom. He motivates me to want to love him with the same kind of love.”
The Number One Love Need of Women
Every wife shares the need for unconditional love and acceptance—the need to be loved when she is unlovable. In our survey, this was, in fact, the number one need of a majority of our female respondents.
As a wife, I know how much it means to know that Gary loves me unconditionally. I know that you love your wife. But what does it mean to love her unconditionally? Well, unconditional love is just that—love without conditions. In other words, you don’t love your wife only when she looks good or she lands a promotion or she loses some weight or when the house is clean. You love her without those conditions. When you do that, you are loving unconditionally.
Unconditional love is love that we need the most when we deserve it the least. It’s the kind of love that reaches out even after we have said something hurtful or when we know we’ve made poor choices and have clearly blown it. It’s the kind of love that knows how to say something tenderly and knows when not to say a word. It’s the kind of love that remains committed even when we say and do ugly things. Unconditional love is a redemptive love that pursues us when we act in unholy ways and that motivates us to do things we are not capable of doing on our own.
In marriage, a couple’s unconditional love for each other comes out of God’s unconditional love for us as individuals. This pursuing love promises to love, protect, and care for us forever. The perfect picture of unconditional love is Christ’s death for us “while we were still sinners” (Romans 5:8). He loves us even though we struggle and battle with selfishness, pride, and any number of other sins that keep us from loving well.
This is the kind of love your wife needs from you. It’s a tall order, I know, but remember that no one expects you to do it alone. In fact, you can’t. It is a supernatural love, found in the very nature of God. That’s why you have to lean on God’s strength to receive that love. When you know you’re not up to the task or feel out of control, ask God to help you. Think about what it feels like to be the recipient of lavish love from God and then give that love to your wife.
Unconditional love has the power to change ordinary men and women into extraordinary people. And it reaps enormous rewards. When you love unconditionally, you set the tone for your wife to love you unconditionally in return.
Your wife isn’t perfect. Remember, you are the one person who sees that most clearly. You are the one person who sees all her faults and fears. In a sense, that could give you a whole lot of power over her. I hope you don’t see it that way. But think about it: what do you do with what you know about your wife? Do you tease her with hurtful words? Worse, do you tease her with hurtful words in front of others? Do you put her down? Do you withhold your love until she corrects those faults? If you answer yes to any of these questions, you are loving conditionally and you are creating a huge fault line in your relationship—a fault line that can at any moment open up and destroy your marriage.
Sadly, when a woman feels loved conditionally, she feels pressure to perform in certain ways, to look and act a certain way. If she senses that your love is based on her performance, how much she earns, appearances, or success, her sense of worth will vacillate. She will be preoccupied with thinking, Am I doing everything just right? Am I what my husband needs today? Am I performing well? Of course, she will know that she cannot truly be herself—with her faults, her fears, her worries, her needs—because your love fluctuates with the degree of approval you give her.
When a woman is loved lavishly, she is free to be who she is because she feels secure in knowing that you love her—no matter what. When you encourage your wife to be herself, you help her gain freedom from the pressure to gain people’s approval.
I hope that the richness of your life together allows you to see faults in your wife and love her through them. I hope that you cover them with your love. Your wife needs to know that you love her during times of pain and failure. She needs your tenderness. Show her that you love her no matter what. Love her the way God loves her. Become “God with skin on” to your wife.
Unconditional love can transform your wife.
Unconditional love can transform your marriage.
Willing to Love Unconditionally
Have you seen the movie My Fair Lady? Perhaps you agreed when you heard Professor Henry Higgins ask the age-old question, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”
Men and women are different. God made them that way. A woman’s need for unconditional love can express itself in ways that are different from a man’s need for the same thing. Just because you and your wife have the same need doesn’t mean that it can be met in the same way.
Remember, your wife is a woman.
Women need their husbands to show them unconditional love at their point of pain, their point of vulnerability, and their point of mistakes or failure. Let’s talk about that briefly. (For a fuller discussion, see chapter 2 of The Five Love Needs of Men and Women.)
You need to be willing to love your wife in her pain, love her where she is most vulnerable, and love her when she fails. She needs to know that she can come to you and express her hurt or frustration—and that you will genuinely listen and—this is important—not try to solve her problem.
Did you hear that? Now you may be thinking, Who in his (that is, her) right mind doesn’t want to hear my logical solution to the problem? The answer: your wife. At least she doesn’t want to hear it right away. Instead, when she talks about her pain due to disappointment or unmet expectations, she wants you to make an emotional connection with her. This is your time to shine and show her you can connect. Remember that when they are under stress, men talk silently and women process out loud. Give your wife some time, and she might indeed want your advice, but at first, she just wants you to listen. Wrap your arms around her and hold her. You are her advocate—now’s the time to show her. Chances are she’s being hard enough on herself, and she knows what she should have done. It’s not your responsibility to tell her what she should have or could have done. And never use her failure against her—never.
Showing Unconditional Love
Now you know when your wife needs unconditional love, so it’s time for learning how she needs to experience that love.
Your wife needs encouragement daily (don’t you too?). Tell her you love her and will never leave her. Let her know that you are with her. Spend time with her. Compliment her. Tell her she is all the woman you ever need. Respect her opinion. Set aside time every day to talk—you tell about your day, and make sure she tells about hers. Be tender with her when she faces hormonal changes. Serve her by looking for ways to lighten her load.
Pre-Date Ideas
Before you consider the suggested dates, take a moment and think about the woman you married. Close your eyes, and ask yourself:
• Do I really know what my wife’s day is like, all day every day?
• How much stress does she face? (No fair comparing hers with yours.)
• How do I treat her when I am home?
• What would our friends say about how I treat my wife? What would our kids say about how I treat their mother?
• Is she presently facing any fear, anxiety, or worry? Do I know why?
• Has she hurt or failed me? How have I dealt with it?
• Do I show her unconditional love?
If your wife is wrapped up in anxiety or if she is cranky or if she knows she has hurt you—she desperately needs your unconditional love. Does this come naturally for any of us? No. The last thing you may feel like doing is showing love to your wife—and yet that is why it is the first thing you must do to compel your love to go to a deeper level. Who doesn’t want a soul mate to walk with through difficult times? Such times don’t have to be a wedge driving you apart but can actually be a gift used as a catalyst to drive you closer together as a couple into the very arms of Christ.
If today things are pretty smooth with your wife, then your job is easier. But often when the marriage is on a smooth part of the road, we simply forget that the need is still there—until you hit a bump in the road. It lightens the load when you call your wife from work. It refreshes her when you chat about how her day is going. Ask what you can do to help (pick up something on the way home, perhaps?). Remind her of how much you appreciate her loveliness. Compliment her—about her clothes, her organizational skills, her handling of the kids, her ability to do her job and be a great wife and mother, whatever. Carving out even a few minutes a day to spend time with her—a few minutes when you can talk, reconnect—lets her know she is the most important person in the world to you.
Consider the Date Ideas below. You may need to tweak them to fit you and your wife. Don’t forget to bring along with you the Let’s Talk questions.
Finally, look over the Unforgettable Tips and the Post-Date Ideas that are included after the four Date Ideas. Choose one from each list—or make up your own.
Four Suggested Dates with Your Wife
A Long Drive Together
Take a long walk or drive. If you walk, go somewhere you won’t run into people you know. If you drive, preferably head out to a rural road where you won’t deal with traffic. This is a time of communicating together, but it is not so threatening because you’re not sitting and facing each other. Open up some snacks and drinks, and get talking. If you come across something fun or interesting (a roadside stand, an antique shop) and your wife says, “Oooh,” then stop and check it out! Resist the impulse if it’s something you like but she doesn’t—this date is for her, remember?
If your car allows, have your wife sit right next to you. If not, find a way to hold hands as much as possible. If you’re walking, hold hands and walk as close to one another as possible. The physical connection will draw you closer and make it easier to talk. This is a quiet time for you to focus on her and to show her your unconditional love by doing lots of listening as you talk through your questions.
Prep Steps
• Get the date on both of your schedules—and the family master schedule.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• If you’re going for a drive, clean out the car and make sure it has gas (unless, of course, you want to run out of gas on a deserted country road . . .).
• Tell your wife to dress comfortably and casually (believe me, she wants to know what to wear). If you’re going for a long walk, tell her to wear her walking shoes and to bring along a sweater or sweatshirt.
• Tell her it will be just the two of you—no one else around to see you.
• Stop and get a snack to munch on in the car as you drive or carry as you walk—some kind of treat you both love to share. Also get something to drink.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
A Place of Healing
Has your wife been through a tough time lately? Has your marriage been suffering? Does your wife know that you love her no matter what? What challenges your ability to love her unconditionally?
• Has she failed at something important to her that has affected her self-esteem? Has this, in turn, affected your marriage?
• Has there been a betrayal, a huge disappointment, or even infidelity? Perhaps this occurred in the past, but it is still casting a looming shadow over your marriage.
• Have you been so involved in your work and other activities that you and your wife are feeling distant and at odds?
No matter what kind of hurt or disappointment you’re experiencing, your wife needs to know of your unconditional love. When you say to her, “I love you no matter what,” both you and she need to know what that “what” is. You need to be able to say to her, “Of course I love you, no matter what!” or “I love you and forgive you for past mistakes,” or “I know I’ve not been very attentive lately, and I want to tell you how much I love you.”
Identify one of these situations that needs healing and reconciliation. Then arrange a date around that situation. Can you do something to help her process more completely in order to help her experience freedom in an area of captivity? You might take your wife back to a place of hurt, anxiety, or failure, and in that location offer unconditional love that can heal and restore. For example, if your wife feels like a failure because she didn’t get that promotion at work, drive to the parking lot of her office building for a time of discussion. Tell her that you love her “no matter what.” If she has betrayed you (either emotionally or physically), take her to a quiet place—a park or even an empty chapel—and speak words of recommitment and healing to her. If she is suffering a debilitating loss (of health, a friend, a child, a family member), go to a place that reminds her of a positive memory with that person or a time when she had full health. Tell her that you love her “no matter what.”
Perhaps you realize that you have not shown your wife unconditional love for a long time. Maybe you’ve been critical or too caught up in your own activities. Go to a place that represents your love (think about it—be creative!) and speak words of commitment to her. For example, if you’ve been paying more attention to your work than to your wife, spend some time in the parking lot of your office building. Confess to your wife that you have not been loving her as you should and that you want to commit to loving her better now.
You can use the Let’s Talk questions in any location. Your desire for this date is that your wife will know beyond a doubt that you love her “no matter what.” This security will help your wife to recover, to heal, and then to soar on into life, buoyed by your support and love. Guys, trust me on this, you won’t believe what a talk like this can do for a hurting wife! Unconditional love has an amazing ability to heal all kinds of hurts.
Prep Steps
• Get the date on both of your schedules—and the family master schedule.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• Tell your wife to dress casually—that you’re just going for a drive and conversation.
• Think about where you want to go. What location will be most meaningful so that she understands the connection? What location will allow for conversation alone together to talk through the issue at hand?
• Buy your wife one long-stemmed red rose. Give it to her as you get in the car.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
That “Special Place”
Do you have a favorite place where the two of you have been in the past? Do you still live near the location where you had your first date? (If you remember, you’re already earning points!) How about the place where you asked your wife to marry you? Make arrangements to go there.
Depending on where this place is, you may need to make further arrangements in order to have a quiet place to talk about some of the discussion questions. A quiet restaurant is one thing; however, if your first date was in a noisy place with a band or at a baseball game, then plan to go to a quiet location afterward so you can talk. Your unconditional love will shine through to your wife as she sees your careful thought in this date and your desire to relive special moments with her. Your desire to spend time with her in a special place will reinforce to her your unconditional love.
Prep Steps
• Get the date on both of your schedules—and the family master schedule.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• Tell your wife to dress appropriately depending on where you are going. Realize that it is very important to her not to feel over- or underdressed. If she has an outfit that you love to see her wear, then ask her to wear it if it works for this occasion.
• Buy your wife a piece of jewelry—it need not be extravagant or expensive. After all, perhaps you gave her a ring in this location; now give her a pair of earrings or a necklace.
• Make reservations, if required. If you’re going to a restaurant, try to get the same table you sat at before.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Make a Dream Come True
Okay, now let’s be a bit extravagant. Do something over and above. Maybe your wife has said she always wanted to ride in a hot-air balloon. Do some research and plan a ride in a hot-air balloon. Maybe she’s always wanted to dine in that ritzy French restaurant in the city. Make reservations.
Think back, and see if you can remember something your wife has said that she has always wanted to do—or just surreptitiously ask her. She doesn’t need to know she’s actually going to get to do it (depending on reality of course—a trip to the space station is still quite expensive!). The point is to show your wife you love her so much that you want to make one of her dreams come true.
Prep Steps
• Get the date on both of your schedules—and the family master schedule.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• Tell your wife how she needs to dress for this particular outing.
• Make the required reservations.
• Buy some fun kind of clue to leave for her on the day of the date. For example, if you’re going ballooning, tape a balloon to the bathroom mirror.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your wife (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists below.
* * *
Unforgettable Tips
1. At some point on the date—you’ll know when it feels right—turn to your wife, take both of her hands in yours, look straight into her eyes, and tell her you love her “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, so long as we both shall live.” Then kiss her.
2. Buy your wife a special gift. Think about something you know she likes but would not buy for herself. It can be simple or small—it’s the thought that counts.
3. Ask your wife to give you her engagement and wedding rings. Take them to a jeweler to be checked, cleaned, and polished. Ask the jeweler to put them in a pretty box. The night of the date, present them again to your wife. Tell her you’d marry her all over again.
4. If appropriate, have a limousine pick you up at home and take you to your location.
Post-Date Ideas
1. Leave a note where your wife can see it at some point the next day, telling her that you love her.
2. Get across the point that you love her with all your heart by buying a heart-shaped box of chocolates or a big heart-shaped cookie.
3. Order flowers and have them sent to her workplace, or schedule them to arrive at home when she’s there but you’re not.
4. Begin to act on at least one comment that she made during the date. Show her that you listened and that you care to meet her need for unconditional love.
5. Mail her a card—funny, sexy, profound, whatever. Write a note telling her that you had a wonderful time on your date with her and you would like to go out with her again.
Choose some questions/comments from each level to help guide your discussion during your date. This way you can learn more about how you can meet your wife’s need for unconditional love and acceptance.
LEVEL 1:
Dip Your Toes into the Water
• “What was your day like today? What are the stresses you have been feeling in the past few months?”
• “I want you to know that I really appreciate you because . . .”
• “Do you feel secure about your role in life? If not, how can I help?”
• “What does the term unconditional love mean to you? How can I show you that I love you unconditionally? What can I do better?”
• “Do I act as if your opinions are important? If not, what can I do better to show you that I value what you think and I take your words seriously?”
LEVEL 2:
Up to Your Ankles
• “Do I say ‘I love you’ often enough? If not, how often would you like me to say it to you? When? Tell me what it means to you when I say these three little words.”
• Make a list of five things that you have always been able to count on your wife for, read that list to her, and thank her.
• “What are the top five ways I can give you a tangible expression of my love?”
• “In general, how do you feel about yourself? How can I help you feel more confident (secure, hopeful, whatever)?”
• “When we are with our friends, what can I do to show them that I love you?”
LEVEL 3:
Treading in Deeper Waters
• “Do I hug and kiss you enough? If not, how often do you want me to hug and kiss you? Tell me what it means to you when I do this.”
• Ask your wife to complete this sentence: “When I’m at the worst time in my hormonal cycle, the best things you can do are . . .”
• “Do you ever sense that I sometimes put conditions on my love for you? If so, what are the conditions that you feel I am placing on you? When do you feel the most insecure about my love?”
• Tell your wife at least five areas where your love for her has deepened since you’ve been married.
• Ask your wife to complete this sentence: “I would feel safer sharing my feelings with you if . . .”
• “Am I consistent in matching my loving words toward you with loving behavior?”
LEVEL 4:
Bouncing on the Waves
• Ask your wife to complete one or more of the following questions/sentences:
1. “Would you love me even if I . . . ?”
2. “I need your love especially when I . . .”
3. “I sometimes feel that I don’t deserve your love because . . .”
4. “You would never love me if you knew . . .”
Respond to her statement(s) with loving words and gestures that will make your wife feel secure in your love.
• “Is there any emotional baggage we’ve brought into this marriage that needs to be unpacked? Do you think this process requires professional help, or can we handle it ourselves? How can I help in the healing process?”
• “What three things do I do for you that really make you feel like the woman of my dreams? What would you like me to do?”
• “When I disagree with you, how can I best communicate that without making you feel put down?”
• “Do you have worries about our marriage? What are they? How can we deal with these together?”
• “God loves us unconditionally. How can I show you the same kind of unconditional love? Where do you most need to see that in our relationship?”
LEVEL 5:
Diving in Head First
• “Have I ever broken your heart? If so, when? How could I have handled that situation differently? What can I do to heal that situation?”
• “Have I ever made you feel devalued?” If she says yes, ask her to explain the circumstance and how she felt. Don’t try to justify yourself. Hear what she felt. Ask for her forgiveness. Say, “I would like to show that I value you. What behavior would help you feel valued?”
• If your wife has been unfaithful to you (either emotionally or physically), say, “I want you to know that I forgive you for [whatever the circumstances were]. I’m sorry that I contributed to that situation by [whatever you feel was your part]. How can I help you feel so secure in my love that you will never look beyond our marriage for satisfaction?”
• If you have ever been unfaithful to your wife (and she knows about it), say, “I am sorry that I violated our relationship. I ask you to forgive me again. I want to commit myself to becoming the husband you need me to be by learning to meet your needs. What is the next step you need me to take?”
• “How can we affair-proof our marriage?”
• “How can we divorce-proof our marriage?”