Chapter Nine
A Date to Meet My Husband’s Need for Encouragement and Affirmation
Gary Shares Ideas with Wives
Greg called into our daily national radio program recently and summed up what a lot of men experience. “I have a good life and family; I just thought it would be a little different from the way it has turned out, Gary and Barb. My work isn’t going too well, finances are tight, I seem to be missing some signals from the kids, and I’m not feeling quite as trim and fit as I was a year ago.” Barb and I gave him some coaching, and one of the recommendations was to talk with his wife about some of these stage-related experiences he was having and ask her to help him through them.
Two weeks later Greg called back in again with this update. “Before I called you a few weeks ago, I had never called a radio program in my life, and here I am calling a second time. But I just have to tell you what Shawna did. I followed your advice and shared some of the stuff I was going through. I came away from the time with Shawna feeling like a million bucks. She listened, affirmed me, and pointed out where I was winning as well as needing to improve. The bottom line is that she validated that what I was going through was pretty normal. Shawna shared with me that she has been praying for me and was waiting for me to bring up some of the things she was also concerned about. We prayed afterward, and then she snuggled up next to me and told me she was proud of me. I think what helped the most was that she let me know I didn’t have to go through this stuff alone, that she and God were there to listen and to walk through it with me. Thanks for your help, but I think next time I’ll just call Shawna instead of you guys.”
Barb and I loved that call. And we loved hearing the story of a wife who encouraged her husband when he needed it. Way to go, Shawna!
The Number Four Love Need of Men
How many of you were cheerleaders back in your high school days? I can picture some of you wildly jumping up and down and clapping your hands (no wonder you were cheerleaders!). Others of you are recalling those high school days and wouldn’t have wanted to be a cheerleader if someone had paid you to do it.
Aside from all the popularity stuff that clung to the whole persona of the “cheerleader,” consider what these girls (and guys) did. Their job was to “cheer on” the team on the field—to encourage them to do their best and then to scream and jump around wildly when they did.
Well, women, you don’t have to be able to do the splits or clap and stomp at the same time, but you do need to be a cheerleader every day for the “one-man team” in your life. Just as cheerleaders encourage the team when the game is going badly as well as when it is going well, so you need to be encouraging your husband on the bad days as well as the good days. He needs you to be there, always on his side, an ever loyal fan. He needs to know that he is special and that you are rooting for him.
If you look up the word encouragement, you’ll find definitions and synonyms such as to cheer, comfort, hearten, inspire, buoy up, boost, invigorate, and do the heart good. What would your marriage be like if you consistently did this for your husband?
Incidentally, both husband and wives rated “encouragement” as their number four love need. Obviously, you want encouragement from us as much as we want encouragement from you. As different as we are from you women, in some ways we are alike. We’re not impervious to the changes that age is causing in our lives. We don’t like the extra weight or the changing (or disappearing) hairline any more than you like your extra weight or the wrinkles that are appearing out of nowhere. We notice that we can’t do some of the things we used to be able to do. Whether we were sports fanatics in our younger years or not, if we haven’t stayed in shape, we know it. We do silly things at times to prove that we’ve still “got it,” only to end up sorry that we “tried it.” Getting older is difficult. We need to know that you still see us as that “one-man team” that can be cheered on to victory!
Believe me, your voice cheering us on is the only human one we need (and truly long) to hear. As we shared in the last chapter, God’s voice is essential as well.
Your Husband’s Cheering Section
I have discovered that men need the four A’s when it comes to encouragement: acceptance, access, attention, and affirmation.
• When you accept your husband, you’re saying, “I would marry you all over again. You’re not getting older, you’re getting better.”
• When you give your husband access, you give him a listening ear. He knows that he can talk to you about anything.
• When you give your husband attention, you not only give a listening ear, but you drop all other distractions that are vying for your attention and focus on him.
• When you affirm your husband, you remind him that you believe in him, you love him, and you’ll stand by his side no matter what stresses threaten to overwhelm him. You let him know you’ll get through it together.
When we receive this kind of encouragement from our wives, we are infused with new strength even if the day at work has been rotten. When we have this kind of encouragement, we become new men, ready to take on the world. This refreshment touches our souls. The world may beat us down, the boss may not appreciate us, the stress levels may be high, but we know that you are right there beside us, cheering us on. You know who we really are and what we are capable of doing; you trust us; you’re ready to fight for us; and you’re praying for us.
Perhaps that last one is the most important key. When we know that you are storming heaven on our behalf, we feel as if the armies of heaven itself are standing beside us. Your prayers mean the world to us, so don’t stop praying. Pray for specifics. For example, pray that we will be faithful to God and that we will be hungry for God’s Word. Pray that we’ll be faithful to God on the job. Pray that we’ll sense God’s leading if it becomes apparent that we need to change careers. Pray for us through the stresses of our everyday routine. Pray that we’ll be the kind of father we should be to our kids. Pray us through the choices and decisions we must make.
We’re not going to become perfect. We have our flaws, our failures, and our weaknesses. As you pray, don’t look for perfection. Instead, pray for God to work and then continue to encourage us every day of our lives. God is working in us and will change us in his time and in his way. In the meantime, your encouragement will go a long way toward helping us to become the men we want to be—for God and for you.
Learn the Cheers
So what cheers does your husband need to hear? Your husband needs to be encouraged to hear the applause—that is, to know God’s approval and your approval. Perhaps you are behind him, but how does he know if he can’t hear you? If the cheerleaders are silent, the team will doubt their support. Your husband needs to hear your applause. Remind him of God’s constant presence in his life. Tell him that he can go to God—and to you—anytime about anything. Be a loud voice of encouragement—a cheerleader he can hear!
Encourage your husband by reminding him of God’s work in his life. Affirm what God is doing; tell him that you see God at work; affirm his spiritual gifts.
Encourage your husband to be accountable to other Christian men—and encourage him to build those kinds of friendships. Encourage him to connect with his children whenever you can. If you sense that there is distance between the kids and their dad, facilitate a time of togetherness. Send your daughter on a date with her dad; encourage him to take the boys for a guys’ night out.
Finally, encourage him to reach out and grow—to take advantage of opportunities that will develop him as a man and deepen his spiritual life.
Pre-Date Ideas
Before you consider the suggested dates in this section, I’d like you to think about your husband for a few minutes. Focus on the following questions:
• How am I doing on the four A’s with my husband? Do I accept him? Do I give him access, attention, and affirmation? If not, what can I do better? If so, does he know it?
• Is my husband struggling with a disappointment, a failure, or a large amount of stress? In what ways am I being his cheerleader?
• Do I encourage him in front of the children? What cues do the children take from me about their dad? What do I need to improve?
• In what ways do I express the voice of God to my husband? In what ways am I not being that comforting, encouraging voice? How can I do better?
• Are my words to my husband full of praise and encouragement, or are they more often critical and impatient?
We guys are working very hard for you. We love you. We love our children. We may even love our jobs. If we don’t, we still go to work every day. We feel very keenly the responsibility to provide for you a certain standard of living, a few things we would like, college for the children, and a secure future. Whether money comes easily or hard, we desire to always do more and be more. We are competitive creatures by nature, and our heaviest competitor may be ourselves. It’s tough out there, and we need to know that you are always there to support us. We need to know that you love and appreciate us. We need to know that you are the president of our fan club. And even if you’re the only member, you’re the only member we need.
Four Suggested Dates with Your Husband
Take Your Wife to Work Day
What does your husband do every day at work? Do you really know? One of the best ways to cheer him on is to know his “game.” After all, cheerleaders need to understand the game in order to know which cheer to say when. No one does the basketball cheers during a football game!
If possible, join your husband for a morning on the job. You’ll have to plan this ahead of time with him. Ask him for a morning when you can just be with him. You can watch him at work, learn about the job, or even help him. If your husband’s job doesn’t allow for this during a workday, then plan a Saturday morning when he can show you his workplace and explain what he does and how he does it.
Your goal is to be able to visualize when he talks to you about his workday. You’ll be able to picture what he’s talking about. You can ask better questions; you can be more attuned to him. You can cheer him on even better!
Take your husband out for lunch, and discuss the Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• Describe this date to your husband. Ask him to look at his schedule and decide on a time when you and he can do this date together. Get the date on the family calendar.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• If you work outside the home, arrange for a vacation day so you can enter your husband’s world.
• Dress appropriately for the date—depending on your husband’s type of work. Dress in business clothes if he’s at an office, your jeans and boots if he’s on a construction site. Don’t be late!
• Plan for a lunch out with your husband. Ask him to take you to his favorite place. Or ask him to take you to the place he often goes for lunch during his workday (which may be the office cafeteria).
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your husband (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
A “Steak” Out
If your husband is like many men, a favorite meal is a big, juicy steak with all the trimmings. And if your household is like most households, steak is a luxury not consumed very often at home.
So, take your husband on a “steak” out. In other words, make reservations at the best steak house around (or maybe your husband would prefer to eat at a restaurant known for its ribs or seafood or Italian food). The point is, you’re going to splurge on him for this special night out and treat him to the best meal ever. You want to encourage him by saying, “I want to lavish you with something that you’ll completely enjoy—something that we don’t do very often!”
During your dinner, discuss your questions from the Let’s Talk section.
Prep Steps
• Decide the type of meal that will please your husband, or ask him where he would most like to go.
• Make reservations, and put the date on your calendars. If possible, you might want to try to do this date on a weeknight when the restaurant may be a bit quieter and there will be less chance of running into someone you know. When you make the reservations, ask for a quiet table.
• Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
• Dress appropriately for the location. (You might want to dress in an outfit that you know he loves to see you in.)
• Turn on your answering machine before you leave, and turn off the cell phones. Minimizing distractions will be essential on this one. When your husband thinks he is getting all your attention, he wants all of it.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your husband (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
Celebrate Your Husband
You love your husband, and perhaps he has some special friends who love him too. This is a way to encourage your husband beyond what he could ever imagine. Invite a couple of his closest friends (and their wives, if they’re married) to join you for an evening to celebrate your husband. You can plan to serve just dessert at your home, to go out for dessert (your treat), or to have a full-fledged dinner either at home or at a restaurant. If you go out to eat, you’ll need to go to a place that will be conducive to the kind of sharing you want to have happen.
Tell those special friends to come prepared to “toast” your husband. Explain that this is meant to be a time of encouragement for your husband, so they should come prepared to tell him what a difference he has made in their lives, what they love about him, or what they appreciate about him.
Set aside some time afterward for the two of you to discuss the Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• Talk to your husband’s close friends, and find a date that will work for everyone. Get the date on everyone’s schedules. Make sure everyone knows that this is adults only and that each person is to come prepared to encourage your husband.
• Have your husband put the date on his calendar. You could surprise him, or you could let him expect a dinner out with friends but not know the motivation behind it.
• Plan the meal or dessert. If you’re going to be at home, make this a special “dining room” meal with your best china and glassware. If you’re going out, choose an appropriate location and make reservations.
• You’ll need to be the facilitator during the meal. After everyone has talked for a while, ask the friends to share their thoughts to encourage your husband.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your husband (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists at the end of the chapter.
All in the Family
One of the key issues involved in encouraging your husband is to continue to connect him with his children—and grandchildren if you are in that stage of life. Perhaps you feel as if your relationship with him is fine, but he’s just not connecting with the kids because of time or other issues.
So your job is to plan a family date where you all can have a good time together. This can be simple—like spending the afternoon flying a kite or playing croquet. You could take the family to a fun movie, or rent a movie to watch at home. If you have family home videos, pull out a few of those and watch those little babies grow into adults (and watch the adults lose hair and gain weight!). That will be good for a few laughs! Maybe grab a board game all can enjoy.
Pop some popcorn, order pizza, or go out to eat at a fun place. Do whatever would make for a fun and memorable evening for your kids, you, and especially your husband.
Set aside some time later when the two of you are alone to discuss the Let’s Talk questions.
Prep Steps
• Clear the decks for a family day (or evening). If you’ve got older children, this may be a bit harder. Make sure everyone has this time on their schedules and that nothing will be allowed to interfere.
• Decide what you’re going to do—ask your family, or make it a surprise.
• Make the necessary arrangements (renting a movie, finding out the movie times, making reservations, whatever).
• If appropriate, take along a camera or video camera and record the event for future memories.
• Select the Let’s Talk questions you would like to discuss with your husband (write them down or mark them in this book). Then take along either your list or this book so that you will remember what you want to talk about.
Choose an Unforgettable Tip and a Post-Date Idea from the lists below.
* * *
Unforgettable Tips
1. Tell him, “I would marry you all over again. You’re not getting older—you’re getting better! Okay, you are getting older but I love you more every day.”
2. If you’re a frustrated poet, write a little cheer for your husband. Read it to him (or cheer it for him—complete with a couple jumps!). Laugh about it, but this little cheer might become a part of your own private language when your husband needs encouragement in the future.
3. Frame a picture of yourself. Find a way to include on the picture or on the frame the words, “Your Number One Fan!” (Or get a picture of the whole family, and have it say, “Dad’s Fans!”) Give the picture to your husband on the date.
4. If your husband is struggling with discouragement in other areas of his life, take both of his hands in yours, look him in the eyes, and say, “I believe in you. I’m with you—sticking to you like superglue. Nothing’s going to break us apart. We’ll get through this together.”
Post-Date Ideas
1. When your husband needs to talk to you about some discouragement, set everything aside and listen.
2. Encourage your husband to stay connected to his children. Help him to plan a date with each of the kids individually. Consider making it a regularly scheduled time with his children. Moms are natural connectors of dads and kids. Barb has modeled this for our family.
3. Talk to him about being involved with other Christian men in a Bible study or accountability group. Tell him that if he wants to do that, you’ll clear the decks for him to be able to have that time. Make some muffins, chili, or some of his favorite treats, and encourage him to welcome his buddies to your home.
4. Begin to work on at least one thing that you both talked about in your discussion time.
Choose some questions/comments from each level to help guide your discussion during your date. This way you can learn more about how you can meet your husband’s need for encouragement and affirmation.
LEVEL 1:
Dip Your Toes into the Water
• “In what areas does my encouragement mean the most to you?”
• “What is the best compliment I could give you?”
• “Do I thank you enough for all that you do for me (and the kids), or do you feel taken for granted? How can I improve? What would help you to feel appreciated?”
• “Do I say ‘I love you’ too much, too little, or often enough?”
• “Do you think you are competitive in sports, games, at work, or at home? What drives your competition? Is it ever unhealthy? Why or why not?”
LEVEL 2:
Up to Your Ankles
• “Do I praise you enough in front of others? What kind of praise would you like? What kind of praise would make you uncomfortable?”
• “What’s the difference between encouraging you and complimenting you?”
• “Do you think that you spend most of your time doing what you are well suited to do? If not, what needs to change? What would you most enjoy doing on a daily basis?”
• “What do you think your spiritual gifts are? How can you work at developing them, and how can I help you in this?”
• “Does it ever seem that I’m not giving you my full attention when you’re talking to me? When does that happen? What needs to change?”
LEVEL 3:
Treading in Deeper Waters
• “How am I helping or hindering you in reaching your potential? In what specific ways could I help?”
• “Do you feel that I cheer you on, or am I usually either silent or negative? How would you like me to cheer you on? In what areas do you especially need it?”
• Tell your husband how often you think of him during the day. Explain how those thoughts of him make you feel.
• “When do you judge yourself the most harshly? How should I respond when that happens? Do I ever judge you harshly? If so, in what situations?”
• Complete this sentence for your husband: “As we grow older together, I love you more because . . .”
LEVEL 4:
Bouncing on the Waves
• “When you try something and fail, how should I respond? What will be the most helpful to you?”
• “In what five ways can I inspire you to do and be your best?”
• “Are you ever envious of what others have or what others are doing with their lives? If so, what makes you feel that way? How do you respond to those feelings?”
• “Who are your closest male friends? Do you feel as if they are challenging you, holding you accountable, or helping you to grow spiritually? What needs to change?”
LEVEL 5:
Diving in Head First
• Tell your husband in what ways and in what areas you see him reaching his fullest potential. Describe how his life is giving back to you, to your children, and to God.
• List five positive things you see in your husband in each of the following areas: achievements, service to God and others, special talents and skills, character qualities, childrearing.
• “Is there anything about life in general or our current circumstances that discourages or disappoints you? What can I do to help turn that around?”
• “Booker T. Washington said, ‘Success is measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.’ Is this a true statement in your opinion? What obstacles have we overcome as a couple? In what ways are we truly successful?”
• Tell your husband five things that you find worthy of respect and admiration in his life.