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I knew very well I couldn't ask Elias to share my bed when he'd just told me he liked me, unless I meant as more than friends. But I was really sad I'd have to sleep alone, and maybe have nightmares again. But I didn't ask, and he didn't offer. When I got home, he did homework, I went to bed, turned the TV on, and tried to sleep.
Eventually, I guess I did, because a nightmare woke me up.
It was one of those stupid nightmares that doesn't sound scary, except it really is when you're having it. If I tried to tell anybody about it, it would sound so dumb. But I woke up with my heart thumping, my body coated in sweat, and terror in my heart.
It was just a dream. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm okay. None of that is real. This is real—my apartment and my bed and Elias in another room in the house.
I squeezed and released the covers, squeezed and released them. At last I hopped up. I wasn't going to get any more sleep for a while, maybe not all night. I might as well go to the kitchen and eat something.
Elias was still at the kitchen table. He'd fallen asleep over an open textbook. I stopped abruptly when I saw him, but I'd already flicked on the big light. He snorted and jerked awake, looking around and blinking.
Then he saw me. "Rory," he croaked. He relaxed subtly, like it was safe if I was here.
I felt tears going to my eyes. "Hi," I said.
He took one look at my face, got up, and walked over and hugged me. Even half asleep, he knew just what to do.
He rubbed his face against my chest a little, almost snuggling against me. For some reason it felt really good but also really awkward. He drew back and looked up at me. "We've got to figure this out, don't we?" he said.
"No," I said quickly. "There's nothing to figure out." I was afraid he'd decide to move out because it was too weird being here with me.
He just smiled and took my hand. "Rory, we don't have to date, but let's not be awkward, okay? If you need me there for a few nights to keep away nightmares, okay. We can do that. It's not the end of the world if you don't date me. I sort of figured you wouldn't want to."
He looked sad saying it, but as ever, Elias was nothing if not honest, with himself and everybody else.
"I'd like to date you, if I was a different person. Somebody who was good at that."
He studied my face, like I was a mystery he wanted to figure out, more confusing than his school work. Then he covered a yawn. "Let's eat something and talk. I mean, unless you don't want to."
I snorted. "You know me. I always want to talk about something!"
#
We ate ham sandwiches, and we talked.
"I don't do open relationships," said Elias frankly. "It's not something I'm comfortable with, and it's a hard line for me." He took another bite.
I watched him chew. "Okay."
"And you don't date. But is it just because you don't want the pressure of something serious right now, or because that's a hard line for you? Because if it's not a hard line, it can be pretty low pressure, dating me." He looked at me, studying my face. "Not that I want to talk you into it if you're not interested. But I guess I'd like to understand, either way."
"I want to sleep with you," I told him frankly. "And I really like spending time with you and living with you. You keep the nightmares away, too. Those are all pretty great things. But if I let you down, or you started to hate me once you got to know me better, it would be pretty awful. I'm really not sure I'm dating material. You know some of my flaws, but you probably don't know all of them."
"Maybe some of the things you think are flaws I don't," he pointed out. "Like how honest you are. I like that about you. Yeah, you struggle with some things, but you make time for what matters, and when it counts, you show up."
I thought about that guy he'd dated who'd turned and left when Elias was in trouble. I still couldn't understand that. Maybe he'd had his own shit going on, but it didn't make sense. "I would be better than the last guy you dated," I agreed. "But if it gets serious, if you start to need somebody who's mature and got his life together, I'm pretty sure you're going to be really disappointed."
Elias's smile came and went, fast. "You're thinking too far ahead. We don't have to sign up for forever right now. If we date each other, it's literally what we're doing now: spending time together, hanging out, eating. The only thing we add is sex."
Sex. That sounded good...
"If we do that for a couple of weeks and you don't like it anymore, just break up with me. If it's not right for you, or you really need sex with other people or whatever, then that's fine—just end it before you sleep with anybody else. That's the only thing I wouldn't be able to forgive—cheating." He grimaced, like he had some bad memories about that.
"That's pretty fair," I told him.
"Well, I've always thought so. Some people have disagreed! But maybe you have some deal breakers?"
I tried to think about that. But I couldn't help it: I was thinking about sex now. Sex sounded pretty great. And with Elias? Wow.
I couldn't imagine wanting to go hook up with anybody else if I could sleep with Elias. Sex with strangers was not always great. I thought sex would probably always be great with Elias. Especially if he liked me. He was so intense about everything he cared about in his life. He could focus. He studied. He'd be so good in bed if he put all that mental and physical energy into it. He'd be so good.
I shook myself. I had to be honest here, with Elias and with myself. "My deal breaker is you expecting too much from me. Or expecting me to be somebody I'm not. Or trying to change me—I mean, anything bigger than, say, a new wardrobe." I looked at him sternly, surprised to find myself getting emotional. "You know when I was working with Walt at first, before we agreed to be partners, he didn't expect so much from me. But now nothing I do suits him. He knew I was bad at paperwork and—and reading and stuff, during the course. But it didn't matter. Then. It mattered to him later, though. I'm not gonna be anybody but myself. I couldn't change for him. I can't change even for you."
"I'm not Walt," said Elias. "I like the Rory I know. If I ever acted like Walt, or tried to change you or looked down on you that way, it would be pretty shitty, and I'd deserve to be broken up with immediately."
I narrowed my eyes, studying him. "And you won't start dictating my life or telling me I need to grow up?"
He shook his head slowly. "No, Rory, if you start dating me, I won't assume I get to dictate your life. No wonder you haven't dated a lot, if that's what your idea of a relationship is like." I could see he was trying not to get offended. "You don't really think of me like that, do you? I know I can be, er, opinionated, but I'm not that bad, am I?"
I thought of the carrots and hot dogs argument. Elias had firm opinions, but I didn't mind that. He wasn't unreasonable, and he didn't try to control everything. He really wasn't like my father at all. I shook my head. "You're a good guy, Elias. I know that. But I can't help feeling like you're going places, and I'm just—surviving." Sometimes, barely that.
He laughed suddenly, a little brokenly, and came around the table and hugged me. "Oh, Rory, I don't see it like that at all!" He kissed my neck, then forced himself to pull back and let go of me. Tears shimmered in his eyes. "Somebody did a real number on you, huh?"
I shrugged my shoulders. My heart was thumping, though, and I felt close to tears, too. Elias could always see through me, couldn't he? Maybe he always would. If a boyfriend saw through you and thought you were useless, that would hurt a lot. Maybe that was why I'd never wanted one, up till now.
But he didn't think that. He saw me, and he liked me.
I cleared my throat. "If you date me, you're dating a meathead," I told him. "Maybe that won't bother you now, but if it gets serious? If I get attached to you, and later, when you're this smart college graduate with a fancy job, you're ashamed of me? I don't think I can stand it."
Elias's smile was far too fond. Was he even paying attention to my words? He shook his head slowly.
"You're thinking pretty far ahead for somebody who doesn't do serious relationships," he said. He pointed at my chest. "You, my friend, are no meathead. That's such a rude term! Why do you talk about yourself like that? You're smart, not always in ways that tests can prove, but I see how you are with people. You're one of the most emotionally intelligent people I know. You're so smart about people, and you're so good at so many things. I wish you could see it. I wish your pack, and Walt, hadn't fucked you over like this. I wish you didn't feel like you're never good enough. I just don't see it."
I shrugged, self-conscious. It was probably true that I felt like shit about myself because of how I'd grown up. It still made me uncomfortable to hear it. If I'd been raised differently, would I really not think like that? Would I somehow think I had value, even when I fucked up? It was hard to believe, or even imagine.
He took a breath, his eyes gleaming with tears. "You're going to tell me no, aren't you? Even just to a couple of weeks of finding out how we are together. You're not going to take the risk." He crossed his arms over his chest and nodded tightly. "And you know, what? Fair enough. If you're not willing to take the risk, I don't want to convince you to. I disagree with your choice—but it's up to you."
I almost laughed at him, but it might have turned into tears. "You're taking this hard," I told him. "I haven't even said no yet but you're bracing yourself for it. That's not really fair. We're talking about this and—and I just haven't said no."
"You haven't said yes," he pointed out, "and I don't want to twist your arm or anything. I don't want to be someone else who tries to push you around. You'd know if you wanted to date me."
"Would I?" I looked at him, studying his face. "You think I'd know that, when I never dated anybody before?"
He perked up a little. "Never, huh? I bet you expected to know immediately if someone was your mate and commit to them in a couple of days' time, huh? I bet that's what your pack was like. Well, let me tell you a little something about dating: it's not that serious. You get to know each other and then you take your time deciding if you want to be together forever or not. You're not supposed to know immediately. That's the way it is for most non-shifters, and even for a lot of shifters. Personally, I think it's better to spend time together and get to know each other before letting hormones decide you're each other's forever."
I shrugged, uncomfortable with the topic. But he was right: I'd been trained to think in forever and immediately, and it had scared me so much, I'd run the opposite direction, to only having casual hookups.
"You're planning years ahead when you think I'm some college professor or something who's suddenly ashamed of you. Just how big of an asshole do you think I'll be when I'm older? And why do you assume that your job is something to look down on?"
"I don't know if I'll have this same job then," I pointed out, shrugging uncomfortably. "I won't be working with Walt, if I do." I couldn't see us lasting months more, much less years.
"You're playing 5D chess and I'm just trying to get through this semester," he told me, half laughing.
"I don't know what that is," I pointed out.
I opened my arms to him. He moved into them. I wrapped my arms around him. He fit there just right, trim and slight in my arms, but strong, too.
I hadn't decided. Not consciously. But apparently, the rest of me had. "Let's see," I said. "Give me a kiss. Let's try."
"You can't be with Henny, if we do," he said sternly, pulling back a little. "No cheating. If you decide you don't want me, just say so."
"I promise. You want me to trust you. Well, you have to trust me, too."
"I trust you." He sighed. He snuggled back into my arms. "But I've seen the way you look at him, and you never look at me like that."
I didn't want to talk about Henny right now, not with Elias here in my arms.
"Maybe that's because I've never sucked your dick," I pointed out.
The truth about Henny was that he was never going to want to date me. He wasn't out of my league—he was a hot mess—and he was never going to want anything serious with me. That made him safe to want. Elias? Well, he was many things—but my feelings for him were far from safe. They felt dangerous as hell.
And here he was, in my arms, and we were having such a serious talk about dating and commitment, and I'd basically admitted I could imagine us in the future growing old together. That scared me in so many ways. I could fuck it up so bad, just by being me.
But. It was Elias. He was looking up at me with those eyes that looked like that and...and then he kissed me.
It was a surprisingly tentative kiss. It tasted good. There was nothing scary about kissing Elias. But my heart was pounding, hard. "I can't help thinking ahead," I warned him after the kiss. "And it scares me. I don't know what the future holds for me."
"Okay," he said. "Give me another kiss?"
I did.
"We can take it slow," he offered, looking up at me, his gaze kind of melting and warm, soft and so...so...friendly. That's not the right word, but it's part of it. He looked so friendly towards me, so gentle and warm, and kind of happy and intimate, like he could still see me, even from this close, even with dating looming around us. And he liked what he saw.
"I'm not sure I want to take it slow," I said. "I think I want to suck your dick." I bet he tasted really good. Anyway, I wanted to find out.
"Ah," said Elias, blushing. "I think that could be arranged."
"Let's arrange it, then." I gave him another kiss, taking hold of his face with both my hands, tilting his head back. He let me, and he kissed me really well. I had a feeling he'd done more kissing than I had, because he was a lot better at it than I was. But I bet he wasn't better at giving head. I'd done that more than I'd kissed.
I started to go onto my knees, and he stopped me, gently, with a hand on my shoulder. "Maybe we could take this to the bedroom?"
"Mine or yours?" I said.
"Mine?" He looked at my eyes, to see if that was okay.
I thought about his bed. It wasn't big, but it had seemed comfortable. It hadn't smelled like anybody but him when we'd moved his mattress. The fact that he trusted me to have sex with him there, when he hadn't with anybody else in quite some time, maybe as long as he'd even had that bed, well, that meant something.
"Okay," I said. "Can I carry you there?"
Elias grinned and leaned in, close, and wrapped his arms around me. "Okay."
I picked him up and he wrapped his legs around me, too. I carried him to his bedroom, kissing him. "I hope this isn't dumb," I said. I put him down on the bed and started getting my clothes off. "I hope you don't regret it."
"I won't. I hope you won't." He looked up at me and grinned. "Dating ought to be fun, you know. At least as much fun as hooking up! I think we can be fun together, Rory."
"This is fun," I agreed. "But when it's time for serious stuff, I don't know. I don't know."
"You think too much," he said, grinning.
"Nobody's ever said that to me before!" I said.
I was trying to seem confident and calm, but my bravery was slipping. I was breathing faster, and not really in a fun way. He was going to see me naked. He was going to see all my faults soon, too. I didn't know how long that would take. Maybe, when he saw them, his face would change, crinkling with dislike. Maybe his jaw would do that thing, like Walt's. Or he'd just be disappointed in me, like my dad. Maybe, most of all, he'd know the real me just wasn't worth the trouble.
"It's not my fault they can't be bothered to look closely," he said. "Listen. Listen. Rory, sweetheart." His face got serious, and he took my face in both of his hands, very gentle with me. One of his thumbs stroked my cheek. "If it's too much. If—if the expectations are too high. I'm okay if we're friends with benefits. If that's easier for you. I mean, if you're not ready for something as serious as dating, then you're not."
I took a breath. Tried to think. It was easier to breathe, a little. Friends with benefits wasn't so scary. It wasn't heavy and serious and dangerous. If a boyfriend saw through you and thought you were useless, that would hurt a lot. A friend (with benefits) wouldn't expect quite so much. He might not expect anything much but some good sex. That, I could probably manage. And we were already friends, weren't we? We had other benefits, like sharing meals. Why not sex?
I nodded cautiously. "Would that be okay?"
"Yes. I'd still ask that you not sleep with anyone else while we were being...friends...that way. I just don't feel comfortable with it. If that's a deal breaker for you, you can tell me. It's just how I'm wired. I—I don't feel safe with someone in bed who can't be happy with just me."
"I can agree to that," I said. I offered him my hand to shake.
He took it, gave it a firm pump, and gave me a grin. "It's official. Friends with benefits!"
I started to grin back, then stopped. "Wait, I thought you said that was dumb, because—" I couldn't remember why, but he'd been sour about it.
"Sometimes I talk too much, and sometimes I say things out of jealousy." He leaned in and gave me a kiss, just a light one, that I could return or not, as I pleased.
I returned it. He was flexible and responsive in my arms, and so good at kissing. He tasted so good! It was hard to think about anything else. I felt warm inside. This felt so good. I started kissing him everywhere I could reach. When I ran out of places, I started undressing him so I could find more.
He laughed a little, embarrassed, as I took in the sight of his naked, beautiful body. I reached out to touch him, careful and respectful.
He'd been seen naked before, by lots of people. But somehow he was shy because it was me. That made me feel weirdly protective of him. Part of me thought Elias should be super confident in bed, and not get self-conscious or shy. But another part of me knew that no, this was the truth: Elias was vulnerable too. It wasn't just me, who didn't find this completely easy.
I kissed him. Then some more. Pretty soon we were touching each other, not talking at all, just slowly working our way towards sex: touching and kissing, touching and kissing. It felt so natural, so easy. There was nothing I'd rather be doing.
He had a nice chest. Kinda slim and nice-looking. I let my eyes travel over it, then my hands. "You're so pretty."
We started making out, hot and heavy. We were going somewhere fast, me and Elias. After bit, I guess I started breathing harder than I realized. He drew back a little and looked at me, kinda worried.
He took my face in his hands again. "Are you okay? Is this too much?"
"I'm okay," I said.
"If you want to do something different or stop, you've got to tell me. Or just squeeze my arm if you don't feel like saying it out loud."
Now he was giving me safe words? Or safe squeezes, I guess. I almost laughed, but my eyes were burning. "It's okay," I managed again.
"You look a little shell-shocked." He was running his hands over my chest now, and it was hard to think. He sure seemed to like touching me. Not all hookups did. It was sort of like, let's get down to business and then get away from each other. Maybe not much talking, either. He sure didn't seem to feel that way.
"I'm having sex with Elias," I informed him. "It's a big deal."
"No," he said. "It's friends having fun. I know I can be pushy. But you don't have to do anything you don't want, okay? We can stop now and I'll be fine."
I made a noise in my throat. "But you didn't get to—"
"I can always take care of myself."
"Well, I can take care of you. I'm good at that."
"You're good at lots of stuff, Rory."
"Wait and see." I gave him a wink.
I got us both there almost at the same time. I admit it was some of my best work. I was pretty motivated.
"You're so good at that," he said when he could talk again. He was all flushed and sweaty and he looked really great like that. It made me feel more confident.
I grinned. "I told you."
He leaned in and gave me a big kiss, wrapping his arms around me. "Do you want to sleep here? Or on your bed? Or am I assuming too much and we should sleep separately?"
I gulped. "Together. Mine, okay? It's bigger and I'm used to it. I don't want nightmares, and you'll keep them away."
"The things you say." He gave me another big kiss. "Okay. My bed for sex, yours for sleeping. Or whatever. I can't think straight. Do you want to do anything else?"
"I want to eat and then go to sleep," I said. There was lots more we could do, but he was right: I was a little overwhelmed. I wasn't used to feeling so much when I had sex.
He grinned. "Let's do that, then." We headed for the kitchen, sort of shy of each other, but more friendly than ever. It was weird to feel shy after what we'd just shared. But I could see it wasn't just me.
I couldn't help comparing this to a hookup and feeling like it was a lot...more. More of everything, really.
Even great sex didn't always make me feel this exposed and excited and strangely attached. Maybe because I knew him, it was different. More intense. I knew Elias; I knew how he looked when he was happy, and sad, and thoughtful. Now, I knew how he looked when he had great sex.
Because this was great, already, the first time, barely any learning curve at all. What did that mean about us? It sure felt important, but I wasn't ready to think about it yet. I knew I'd get scared if I had to think about anything more serious than friends with benefits.
If I actually let myself think about it, I knew he'd said that to make it easier for me to accept. It didn't mean anything different from dating, the way he'd described them both. Whatever we called it, we were living together and having sex only with each other.
I had to not think about that or it would start to become too big a deal and I'd probably panic again, and this had been so nice I didn't want to ruin it.