The thing about the mind is that it has a life of its own. And mine had developed a habit of thinking about Jack. I knew I had already gone too far with him, but even so – or perhaps because of it – I found myself fantasising about hypothetical conversations with him.
I was on my way to meet Polly, my dealer, and more than anything I wished I could have just sat down with her and asked for her opinion. You know, like they do in the movies. People have heart-to-hearts in the movies. People share secrets, open up. I wanted to tell her about Jack.
‘How’s school, Polly?’ I asked, after we’d greeted each other in the abandoned parking lot – our usual meeting place. She smelled different today, like perfume. The smell was subtle, but it was totally unlike her, so it hit me.
‘Ah, y’know, okay, I guess.’
‘Almost the end now, isn’t it?’
‘Mmm yeah.’
She was smiling. A kind of shy but super excited grin. It looked like she was using every muscle of her face to try and hold it in. Even I knew what that grin meant. ‘Have you met a boy Polly?’ I smiled at her.
She half frowned, but then immediately forgave my mistake and was beaming again.
‘A girl, actually,’ she said.
‘Oh sorry. My bad.’
‘Yeah, she’s rad. Really rad. I mean, it’s like only the beginning and stuff…’
Yes, it’s always exciting at the beginning, isn’t it? I thought. ‘Ah, but still… that’s exciting!’ I said.
‘Mmm, yeah,’ she nodded, trying so hard to contain that smile.
She handed me the carefully-prepared bag of weed, with my name handwritten on it in her pretty handwriting. I handed her the cash. She was still nodding. She was always quite highly sprung, but this time I could tell it was induced more by circumstance than by chemicals.
‘We’re thinking of going away together for the summer,’ she said.
‘Oh, nice! What’s her name?’ I wondered where I would score my weed if Polly disappeared all summer.
‘Olivia.’
As she said this, Polly looked deep into my eyes with a piercing excited gaze that told me she was desperate to carry on talking about Olivia.
Who was I to give relationship advice? Unlike most other people I dealt with, though, Polly was one person I didn’t feel too nervous about engaging in a bit of conversation. I didn’t see her too often so I felt it was totally okay to lie to her if I had to. But who’d have thought we’d wind up sitting in a concealed corner of the lot, our backs perched against a wall and our butts pressing into the gravelly ground, sharing a joint?
After what seemed like an hour discussing Olivia, Polly’s previous relationships, what it meant to be a good girlfriend and, above all, sex, I had somehow managed to steer the conversation onto Jack. I don’t know how. I shrugged off The Fear. Fuck it Silvia, it’s only Polly, I told myself. I felt so relaxed. I didn’t reveal much about myself of course; I was still sober enough to not make that mistake. But I found myself coming towards the end of a delirious – yet hushed, always hushed – babble about Jack’s epiphany and the strange sense of calm he’d made me feel the first day I’d met him. I didn’t tell her, of course, that I had no intention of seeing him again.
‘So, what’s holding you back?’ Polly said.
‘What d’you mean?’
‘Well, have you fucked him yet?’
‘God no. I mean, no Polly, I don’t want to do that.’
Polly laughed. She laughed real hard.
‘What?’
‘Bullshit. Why the fuck are you talking about him then, if he’s not someone you wanna screw?’
‘No. Well that’s the thing. It’s not like that. I can’t stop thinking about him but it’s really not like that. If it was I would have fucked him already.’
We burst out laughing, but I felt bad for doing it. I didn’t like the idea of ‘fucking’ Jack. He wasn’t someone you just ‘fucked’. I had too much… of something for him. I don’t know what. Admiration, respect, perhaps.
‘Look Silvia, you’re hot. You should just fuck him.’
I was high, so high, as I walked home. I was flattered that dear seventeen-year-old Polly thought I was hot. My highness meant the absence of all my sadness and I loved it. Oh god bless you weed! I could have kissed the world right then!
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and scrolled to Jack’s number.
But I didn’t call him. Not that time.