‘This is stunning,’ I said.
‘Yeah.’
‘Apart from the other day at Cuyamaca, I haven’t been outside the city for years.’
‘Wow. Really?’
‘Yeah, I swear it’s been like over five years or something.’
‘That’s crazy.’
We were quiet for a while, just staring at the view.
‘This is nothing,’ he said, ‘not compared to the other stuff we’ll see on this trip.’
‘This really is like a vacation for you, isn’t it? Some kind of adventure or something.’
He shrugged and shook his head, but didn’t say anything. It was as though he was keeping something from me. I thought for a while, trying to understand him and see where he was coming from in all of this. Why he was doing any of it?
‘Hey,’ I said, ‘it’s not like that’s a bad thing. I could do with a vacation too.’ I smiled.
‘Do you go to the sea much?’
‘Sometimes. But the beaches round San Diego can get kinda crowded… it’s not the same.’
‘Yes… true… but even so, just to see the sea, you know? There’s something about it. There’s a hell of a lot of beautiful spots up the Californian coast, but I guess it makes it easier if you have a car.’
I nodded. ‘I suppose we’ll be seeing them, then?’
‘No. I’ve pretty much seen most of the coast. Been there. Done that,’ he laughed. ‘Time to explore inland. I want to see something new.’ He searched my face for a reaction. He wanted to know if I was taking him seriously or not. ‘You know… a new adventure.’
We continued looking out at the space before us in silence. For me this really was something else. I’d forgotten all about the existence of the natural world. Except, it turned out, that this was a manmade reservoir. It didn’t look artificial at all – it looked like a real huge natural lake, and the mountains that surrounded it – the San Bernardinos – were breathtakingly beautiful. The air smelled of warm dry earth and the breeze felt like summer. Being there brought back memories and sensations from the past. Good ones. There was something quite purifying about it. A release. I felt a sense of liberation.
‘This,’ I said, pointing at the view, ‘really is quite something for me.’
‘I can imagine,’ he said, ‘I don’t know how you’ve managed without it all this time.’
When we got back to the van I felt blissed out. It was almost embarrassing. All I seemed capable of doing was staring into space in silence with a half smile on my face.
‘You okay?’ he said.
‘Yeah, I’m just suddenly really… really…’ I searched for the word, ‘relaxed.’
He laughed.
‘It’s stupid, I know. It’s just, it’s been a while. Shit, I feel like I’m high or something,’ I said, and I laughed.
‘No, it’s good. I get it,’ he said, ‘I totally get it. I get like that often.’
There was silence as we both stared out of the windscreen. I hesitated.
‘A joint right now wouldn’t go amiss though,’ I said, trying to suss him out a little more. Weed was fine, everyone smoked weed, right? Besides, hadn’t he mentioned something about a friend of his who was into psychedelics or something?
He turned round, looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. ‘No, it wouldn’t,’ he said. Again he turned round to look out of the windscreen. ‘The problem is,’ he said, ‘I didn’t pack any.’
‘That’s okay,’ I said, ‘I did.’
We laughed. I think this made us both realise that we still didn’t actually know each other at all.
‘I have something else though,’ he said. He didn’t look at me, and he looked as though he was hesitating. ‘You don’t have to be a part of it,’ he continued, ‘but since we’re on the subject, I thought I’d share…’
‘Oh yeah? What is it?’
‘Adam gave it to me, because well… you know I told you about the thing… that time on the beach in Montauk?’
‘Uh-huh…’
‘Well, have you ever read The Doors of Perception? Aldous Huxley?’
‘No.’
‘Okay. Well I only just read it recently. Adam gave it to me because he thought I might find it interesting…’
‘So… what is it?’
‘Well in that book Huxley talks all about how he experiences things during a mescaline trip and—’
‘Mescaline?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’re crazy!’ I said, and yet I found myself smiling.
He smiled back but said nothing. I shook my head and I looked at this guy and I suddenly felt awe and bewilderment at all that was presently happening. Who was he? I really had no idea.
‘Mescaline,’ I said again. ‘Interesting.’
‘Mmm. I mean I don’t know if I’ll definitely try it or not…’
‘Well the thing is… the book is interesting. There’s a lot of discussion about our visual perception and colour,’ he paused for a second and I knew why.
‘Really Jack, you don’t have to feel bad talking about colour in front of me. Please!’
‘Yes, sorry, that’s stupid of me.’
‘Anyway, go on,’ I said.
‘Well, he talks about perception. How when we see things, we see them through the filter of our mind. We don’t see things for what they are but for what we think they are.’
‘Like the stuff you were talking about at Balboa, right?’
‘Yes. Absolutely,’ he said. ‘But then, in terms of the realisation I had on the beach, it seems like the mescaline trip wouldn’t quite cut it, at least not according to Huxley’s write up of it. It made me think,’ he said, ‘maybe the trip will be a disappointment. Or maybe it won’t. But in any case, why should I need mescaline to make me reconnect with that moment of clarity? Perhaps the only reason I can’t feel it now is because I’m looking for it. Like a fish swimming in the sea wondering what water is and how he can find it.’
I laughed. ‘Well, it kind of sounds like you’re beating yourself up about it,’ I said. ‘If it’s like you say, if nothing matters, if all is well and life is just one big divine fucking joke then there’s really nothing stopping you from trying it, right?’
‘True.’
‘Sounds to me like you’re making it out to be some kind of really important, meaningful and serious decision. But if nothing matters then who gives a shit. Do it or don’t do it. It doesn’t matter either way.’
He was looking right at me, grinning.
‘Damn,’ he said, ‘I like you.’
I shrugged, but my ego secretly lapped up his words.
‘Anyway,’ I said, ‘it sounds to me like you want to try it.’
‘It does?’
‘Sure. You wouldn’t have brought it along otherwise… and you certainly wouldn’t be telling me about it.’
The truth is, I was kind of putting words in his mouth. I wanted to try it. If there was anything at all that could help me see the world more clearly, the way he described it, the way I remembered seeing it as a child, I wanted to try it. If we were really going to see more of these beautiful landscapes, like he’d suggested, then I wanted to see them with the eyes of that child.
‘I’d be happy to try it with you sometime if you like…’
I tried to sound casual about it. He didn’t say anything but nodded to show that he was, if nothing else, acknowledging what I’d said. He ignited the engine and we drove off in silence.