Reaching Alaska had given me some kind of purpose and an unexpected sense of hope. Strangely it felt like the right thing to do, even though I knew there were no right or wrong decisions to be made, there were only decisions. Jack wasn’t with me, but he was the reason I was going, and I still felt we were doing this together. What exactly would I do in Alaska? How long would I stay there? A few days? Weeks? Months? Years? Who knew? I couldn’t see that far into the future.
But those weren’t the biggest concerns. After the last week of delirium in which my thoughts had made little sense and I hadn’t been able to think straight, I was now finally able to reflect upon my situation with some clarity. And things were far more complicated than I had realised.
How would I get to Alaska? That was the problem. How on earth would I cross the border?
According to that letter, border crossings weren’t a problem anymore, because I’d never had to run away in the first place. No one was looking for me. I had been running from a ghost. The knowledge of this should have freed me up to go wherever I wanted, without fear. But actually it was perhaps more complicated than that. I had entered Canada illegally. I wasn’t supposed to be here. So who knew what might await me at the Alaskan border?
And so I decided that, before I did anything else, I had to get in touch with Adam.
For a long time, a million miles away from clarity and at the depths of sorrow, I hadn’t felt any responsibility at all to let anyone know. Jack’s friends and family must have been starting to wonder where he had disappeared to. From the list of Jack’s contacts, Adam would be the only one I could explain everything to and ask advice from. He was the only one I imagined could possibly understand anything about me, and what had happened. It would have to be his responsibility to tell the others. I couldn’t possibly do that.
So, finally, after two weeks of mourning in that valley, I hit the road again. I vowed to myself that even though I didn’t know quite where I was, I would have to somehow try to remember this place forever. As I drove I tried to memorise the route, telling myself I would one day return to that place.
*
I used a pay phone to call Adam. I rehearsed my lines a good few times before dialling the number. I would keep the call as brief as I could, let him know that I’d fill him in on the rest when I saw him.
It rang for a long time and then went to voicemail. I tried again. My heart was beating fast. This time, after the fifth ring he picked up.
‘Hello?’
I paused, unable to speak quickly enough. I was unsure what to say. I had memorised it all but now the words fell away.
‘Is this Adam?’ I said.
‘Yes. Who is this?’
In a final moment of panic I put the phone down. I would write him a letter. I could say so much more in a letter. I was a coward. I decided I’d write him a detailed letter, send it, give it a week and then call to check if he’d received it. I’d let him know everything in the letter. Then we could talk. And in the meantime I’d start heading north. That’s what I decided. And it felt good to have made a decision.