The evening sun flickered between the silhouettes of the tall trees that lined the highway. Flashes of glowing light caught my eyes and warmed my face as I drove along the long empty road. The beauty only saddened me. That all-consuming sorrow had come back again, it was clinging on hard, and I felt helpless and resigned. There was a big part of me that just wanted to get lost, to give up.
I drove like a robot, my every movement automatic. My body felt drained and empty. This unshakable sadness was threatening to become me. I was a ghost. I closed my eyes and watched as light danced and flickered on the blackness of my eyelids. Helpless and hopeless, I wanted to give up and give myself over. In fact, I felt ready to wake up from this illusion, this nightmare I called my life. I felt ready to die. And the lights, how they danced on my lids, like an explosion of stars…
Oak’s violent bark sent a spasm of shock through my body, from my toes to the crown of my head. I opened my eyes, heard a loud honk, saw the lumber truck approaching us fast. I swerved just in time. The truck ground to a halt and I pulled into the grassy verge immediately. I looked back to see the truck driver’s angry face peering out of his window. I shot out of the van. I didn’t make out what he was saying, in my dizzy state, I only heard a jumble of words and a blur of sounds. ‘I’m sorry,’ I kept repeating, ‘I’m so sorry!’
It was on that day, before the sun had set completely, that I finally realised just how much I wanted to live.