With the puppies all tucked in for a nap and Sterling rinsing out the bottles in the kitchen, Cassie gave in to her fatigue. Not just her body, but her heart. Sterling’s revelation had left her struggling. She knew he’d grown up in a less than loving family, but she’d never considered the scars that had left on Sterling, the man. She didn’t know whether to be angry that he’d devalued his worth or sad for believing he’d been unworthy of her love. Either option left a bitter taste in her mouth.
On top of her mental musings, her right shoulder and arm were aching and her head was extra heavy. It didn’t take much effort to slide onto her left side and prop up on one of the thick throw pillows. Bert and Ernie stood, resting their heads against the couch cushions, tails wagging. “Hi. I love you, too.” She leaned forward to drop kisses on both dogs’ heads.
From the kitchen, Sterling asked, “Need anything?”
“Some pain medicine and water, please.”
He murmured something under his breath.
“What was that?” She reached down, rubbing a hand along Ernie’s side.
“I said okay,” he grumbled.
“Why don’t I believe you?” She rubbed Bert’s downy soft ear.
“Because...” He sighed. “That’s not what I said.” He stalked across the room with a pill bottle and glass of water. “I said you’re stubborn and I let you do too much.”
“Let me?” She stared at her hands, the all-too-familiar trickle of unease sliding down her back. “While I appreciate the rescue and everything you’ve done, Sterling—and I truly do—you don’t get to let me do anything.” She couldn’t keep the edge out of her voice.
He studied her before offering her the water. “I only meant...” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I should have offered to clean up and not left it to you—”
“I’m fine.” Irritated and achy, but fine.
“No, I sounded like an ass. I’ll be more careful with my words.” He spoke so softly she couldn’t help but look at him.
He was worried. Really, truly worried. The furrow on his brow was sincere. She reached for the pill bottle but almost dropped it when his gaze met hers. There was something more than worry in his warm brown eyes. Her heart stuttered when her fingertips accidentally brushed along his. The contact lasted seconds, but the jolt of it was still rolling over her. Every nerve quivered and hummed. She tore her eyes away, willing her hands to steady as she opened the pill bottle. When her pulse had slowed some, she said, “I’ll let you clean up from now on if it makes you feel better.” She could feel the weight of his gaze on her but refused to look at him.
He took the pill bottle when she was done and stalked back into the kitchen. She didn’t allow herself to stare after him—or let her thoughts dissect her reaction to such a casual touch. Or why her fingertips still tingled.
There were a hundred questions circling in her head, but she was too tired to ask even one of them. She tried to relax. Bert and Ernie had sprawled onto the floor beside the couch, their steady breathing filling the silence. A silence that stretched on and on until she said the first thing that came to mind. “The stockings have glitter on them.” She hadn’t noticed that before—not that she’d really been paying attention to their surroundings. But now she looked around her with new eyes. “Huh. This place is a...a Christmas cabin.”
“Sounds like the title for one of those romantic Christmas television movies they play round the clock.” He sat on the other end of the couch, stretching his long legs out in front of him. “Coffee is brewing.”
“Sterling Ford watching sweet Christmas romance films?” There was no keeping the surprise from her voice. “That’s unexpected.”
“No.” He shot her a look, then smiled.
Oh, that smile. It rolled over her and left her more twisted up than ever.
“Yvonne does. She records them, too. And she talks about them.” He pointed around the cabin and shook his head. “She’d love this place and all this stuff.”
Well, that was like getting a bucket of ice water dumped on her head. “Oh.” Yvonne again. Don’t ask. Don’t ask. “And Yvonne is...?”
“I work with her.” His crooked grin made her heart twist. “She’s more than that, though. A real friend. She takes care of me and keeps me on track.”
Cassie stared up at the ceiling, his words stirring up a tangle of emotions. After all this time, it didn’t make sense for her to feel anything this intensely. And yet...that’s what was happening. From the startling shock of his touch to this unexpected pang of hurt over Yvonne, she was feeling all the things. Intensely. Get a grip.
“That’s nice.” Her words were pinched, but they were all she could manage. His profile was all strong, clean lines—except for the scar on the bridge of his nose. Like it’d been broken at some point. His past. A past she hadn’t been a part of.
“I’m lucky.” He nodded. “I wouldn’t know which way was up without her.” He turned to face her.
“That’s good.” She managed to inject a little more enthusiasm this time. He should have someone looking after him. He’d been a loner when he’d stayed in Granite Falls. She’d been it. He’d had lots of acquaintances but no real friends. His cousin hadn’t taken an active interest in Sterling when he moved in with him. And when his father showed up in Granite Falls a few years later... She swallowed, glancing at Sterling. His father had terrified her. One look in his eyes and she’d known he wasn’t a good person. Seeing him ply Sterling with liquor, then alternate cheering him on and cutting him to the quick only confirmed that. But Sterling had been loyal to a fault, even when his father lashed out. Like Buzz said, Billy Ford was the only constant in Sterling’s life.
“You okay?” Sterling’s voice startled her from her thoughts.
Was she? “I guess I’m still trying to make sense of it all.” She nodded, having a hard time making eye contact when she asked, “How is your cousin, Ricky? Your...father?”
The muscle in his jaw clenched tight. “Both alive.” He shrugged. “Ricky is up in Wichita Falls, still welding and drinking too much beer.”
She only had the vaguest of memories of his cousin, but that sounded about right.
“My dad... He just gets meaner and meaner.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “He lives in Shady Oaks Retirement Home, in Oklahoma. All his hard living caught up with him. I feel for the staff.” His gaze darted her way. “It took me too long—and twelve steps—to realize he wasn’t good for me. He was a con man. You’d think I’d have seen it but it took a few years to see my old man was always working any angle that would get him ahead.”
She tried to smile but couldn’t.
“When he showed up in Granite Falls for my graduation, I let my guard down because I wanted him to be this reformed man interested in being my father. I should have known better. I do, now.” His dark eyes moved slowly over her face. “I had to learn the hard way and lose everything for my eyes to finally be opened.” He took a slow deep breath. “You were at the top of my apology list—and it’s one hell of a list.”
She swallowed, understanding then. Apologies. Making amends. It was part of the twelve-step program. Back in high school, a friend’s mother had gone through the process. It had been hard on the whole family. That was why he wanted to talk through this—so he could apologize.
She was grappling with long-forgotten aches and longings and emotions. Sterling was trying to get a name checked off his list. It made perfect sense, but the pain crushing in on her didn’t.
“I am sorry, Cassie. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to say all this.” He leaned forward, toward her. “I’m more sorry than you will ever know. I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I wanted to apologize all the same.”
Her throat was too tight for her to respond. She understood now. All of it. He was shouldering the blame, saying he should have known better than to trust anything his father said or did... But he’d been young and it was his father.
“Cassie?” He reached forward, smoothing the hair away from the scratch on her head. “Still hurting?”
“I’m good. No more nursing duties required.” She shook her head but didn’t lean into his touch, no matter how tempting it was. “But you can check my name off your list.”
He was wearing that worried expression again. She was officially too tired to try to figure it out. She yawned and flopped back against the couch. Hopefully, a little sleep would help her figure things out or, at the very least, ease the pain a little. She was dozing off when Sterling spoke up.
“Maybe it’s because I haven’t decorated for the holidays in years that this seems a little over-the-top. But that could just be me.” He stood, poured them each a cup of coffee and carried the mugs back—flicking a strand of bell-heavy garland. “Jingle all the way.”
Years? Cassie couldn’t imagine. The very idea made her sad. The holidays, especially Christmas, were so special to her and her family. It was a time of tradition and homecoming, love and laughter. Things he’d never had. “I decorate every year and this is way over-the-top.” She pointed at the Santa and Mrs. Claus figurines in their toy shop. “I bet those even move when there’s power.”
He shuddered. “It’d be less creepy if Santa wasn’t missing an eye.”
“He does look like he’s suffered an unfortunate chimney incident.” She giggled. “They could have least given him an eye patch. He’d look dashing.”
“Dashing?” He glanced at her, that crooked grin back. “Pirate Santa? They should use him for Halloween.”
There were those blasted feelings again. Rising up, pressing out from deep inside her. “You could suggest that on the thank-you note you leave for the owner—since they left all those treats for you.”
He nodded, looking shamefaced. “I’d feel bad. Especially if ol’ one-eyed Santa is special to them. Let’s face it, it’d have to be to keep it around.” Sterling’s chuckle had her smiling his way.
She had always loved it when he’d laughed. It’d been contagious, chasing away the day’s trials and making her happy. It’d been so easy. So certain. Just like her love for him.
Sterling yawned, stretching his arms up and over his head. Bert took the opportunity to jump onto Sterling’s lap, turn a couple of circles, then fold himself into a sizable black-and-white ball. His sigh of contentment had Ernie jumping up, too.
“Neither one of them realizes they’re not lap-dog size.” She rubbed Ernie’s ear.
Sterling reached over the dogs. “Gotta keep your momma warm, boys.” She hadn’t realized the dogs had knocked the blanket off her feet, but they had. Now he smoothed it into place and tucked the fabric tight—his big hand resting atop the blanket and her foot.
It was quick and efficient and didn’t mean a thing. But all of a sudden, she felt the welling of tears in her eyes and she had no idea why.
As much as she wanted to stop looking at him, it wasn’t happening. Amid the chaos of dozens of Christmas knick-knacks, candles and tinsel, Sterling held her attention. The warmth of his brown eyes ignited a fuse she thought she’d stomped out years ago. Boy, had she thought wrong. It wasn’t just the smile or his eyes or the rugged handsomeness of his face, it was the electricity between them. Connecting them. Steadily rising. Pulling them close. Setting them on fire. One look from Sterling and she’d known how much he wanted her.
The electricity was just as powerful as ever. And so was the hunger in Sterling’s eyes.
It’d been a long time since he’d been tongue-tied. Or sweaty palmed. Or flushed. If he really thought about it, the last time he’d been a bundle of nerves and want had been with Cassie. It could’ve been the firelight or the quiet intimacy of the space but, damn, she was looking at him like she felt the same.
No. Not just no, but hell no. He wasn’t going to ruin things by wanting more. He was practical. Seeing what he wanted to see was anything but practical.
“So...” The word had her and the dogs jumping. He pointed at the games stacked in one of the tinsel-covered bookcases. “How about we break out the checkers?”
She blinked rapidly but nodded.
“Maybe we could take it up a notch and go for chess or—”
“Or we could skip the competitive angle and do a puzzle? It looks like they have one or two or fifty Christmas puzzles on the other shelf.” She was far more interested in this suggestion.
He frowned. “A puzzle.” But he stood and crossed the room. Anything to distract him from things that could never be with Cassie. He squatted and scanned the boxes, pulling the one with a thousand pieces from the stack. “This looks familiar.”
“It does.” She smiled. “A snow-covered village.”
And damn, but he loved her smile. “I know you love Granite Falls, but I’m not sure it’s this picturesque.” He cleared off the coffee table and opened the box.
“We’ll agree to disagree on that.” She slid onto the floor, her blanket secured around her shoulders. “I bet the wind knocked down all the decorations. I don’t know if you remember just how seriously Main Street takes the Best Christmas Decoration Contest?” She paused for him to shake his head. “Well, you’d fit right in.” She shot him a look. “Poor Dean. This was his first year doing it—after his mother has won the best-decorated shop for the last three years running.” She started sifting through the pieces. “Penny Hodges is as sweet as they come. The only exception to that is—”
“—the Christmas Decorating Contest?” He shrugged. “I’m thinking it won’t be everyone’s top concern this year. With this storm, folk are likely more worried about any damages or repairs that will need doing.” He watched as she picked out all the straight-edged pieces of the puzzle’s border and carefully laid them out on the wood tabletop. “Knowing Granite Falls, everyone will pitch in and get things fixed up in no time.”
She nodded, snapping three pieces together. “We do look out for each other.” She reached across for another piece to add to the border. “What are you doing?” She glanced at his stack of mismatched puzzle pieces.
He eyed his pile, then back at her. “I find pieces and put them together.”
Her look was pure exasperation. “It’s a thousand pieces, Sterling. You’ll never get it done that way.” She leaned forward, smoothing out the handful of pieces he’d placed in front of himself. “You could at least sort by color? Or help find all the border pieces. Or pick an image and try to find those pieces... But that might be hard since this is a row of houses. And they all look the same.” She shook her head, flipping over his pieces and sighing. “None of these match.”
She was all worked up. There was a spark in her eyes—he wasn’t the only one that was competitive. “Isn’t that what we’re doing? Finding matches?” He tried not to lean away from her, but she was so close. Too close. And not close enough.
“Yes.” She sighed, glancing at him. “But it doesn’t have to take the whole day.” If she was bothered by his closeness, she didn’t show it.
He lifted his hands. “All right, all right. Why don’t you show me the right way to put a puzzle together and we’ll get it done?”
And she did.
Somewhere along the way, he had to stop listening to her “helpful hints” and focus on keeping his guard up. He was too entranced by the smile that meant she’d found a match or the way her eyes narrowed as she scoured for more. He wasn’t sure when she’d started humming “Here Comes Santa Claus” under her breath, but she hummed it over and over again. He didn’t want to mention it for fear she’d stop. But the closeness and the song and the stockings and the ridiculous decorations had his mind pulling forward images of past Christmases. Christmases when Sterling was happy to have one gift: Cassie’s love.
When he’d said as much to his father, his father had a field day. He’d poked and laughed and belittled Sterling’s declaration until Sterling wished he’d kept his mouth shut.
“I always knew you took after your mother but this...” His father had stared up at him, a contemptuous smile on his lips. “She’s lived here her whole life, with friends and family, and you think this girl will give everything up for you? You? What the hell do you have to offer her? Life on the road—following you through all your late nights, cheap beer and taking care of whatever aches and pains you get. She gets to watch your dreams get crushed and your anger because life isn’t going right for you? ’Cause let’s face it, boy, you’re never gonna be as good as your old man. When you realize you’ll never be the bull rider you want to be, she’ll be gone. Time’ll come, she’ll hate you for taking her away from people that really loved her. People that could take care of her the way you couldn’t.” His father had been so confident. “She’ll leave you, son. You can count on it.” He sighed. “If you really care for this girl, you’ll leave her behind and save yourself the trouble.”
He’d grown up fighting—it was the only way to survive his father’s volatility. It’d started with him trying to protect his mother and ended with him trying to protect himself. Fighting over Cassie was surprising only because his father swore he’d turned over a new leaf. And he had—except when it came to Cassie. Now he knew it was because his father needed Sterling to get what his father had wanted and Cassie threatened that. Then, his father’s relentless concern over Cassie eventually had Sterling buying into his father’s manipulations. Sterling had grown up without love, it didn’t take much convincing that he was that reason for that. He’d believed he wasn’t lovable, plain and simple.
He’d never been so thankful to hear his phone ring—until he saw who was calling. “Buzz.” He held the phone out for her. Their last discussion had been more than enough Buzz Lafferty for Sterling.
Cassie took the phone and answered.
From the looks of it, she’d been too focused on assembling the top border of the puzzle to notice his shift in moods or his white-knuckle fists. Instead of eavesdropping on her conversation, he headed into the kitchen and downed a tall glass of cold water. He didn’t like where his thoughts had taken him or the unpleasant taste coating his tongue. Even though his father was in a retirement community in Hobart, Oklahoma, there were times his father would point out Sterling’s mistakes or laugh at him in his dreams.
“A puzzle.” Cassie was more invested in the puzzle than the phone call. “No.” She sighed. “Are you serious?... No.” Her gaze darted his way.
Was she blushing?
“Everyone good?” She nodded, turning back to the puzzle. “Sure.” There was a pause. “Hey, Garrett,” then “Uh-huh,” and an “Oh, really? Interesting.” Whoever Garrett was, she set her puzzle pieces down and leaned back against the couch to stare into the fire. “You’ll have to show me. Just the two of us.” That last part was whispered. She laughed.
“Hey, Frannie.” She nodded. “I know. It looks pretty but you can’t play in it yet.” She went from nodding to shaking her head. “No, I don’t think Biddy should go out and see. She’s too little.” She paused. “Make sure you go out with Jenna or Buzz. Okay?” Another pause. “Okay, Frannie?” Then she relaxed. “Good girl.”
Sterling carried a glass of water to Cassie and sat on the couch. She smiled her thanks his way.
“You better keep an eye on her.” He couldn’t tell if Cassie was joking or not. “I can just see her opening the door for Biddy. Biddy’d be a snow baby in no time.” She sipped her water, listening. “It’s fine, Jenna.” She took another sip. “Nope. All fine.” She was quiet for a long time. “He is a hero. I’d be dead if he hadn’t come along and taken me in.”
Sterling balked at her frank words.
“He’s being ridiculous. Yes, I know. Right.” She shook her head. “Buzz didn’t believe we were doing a puzzle so... I’ll tell him we’re having all the sex and see if he believes that.”
Sterling spit his water out, dousing Bert and Ernie.
Cassie held the phone away from the shriek coming through the speaker. “I should probably wind this up. This is his work phone and I don’t want to run down the battery.” She paused. “Fine. Put him on.” She giggled. “I might behave.”
Sterling was still coughing.
“Hi, big brother...” Her words petered off. “You’re going to give yourself an aneurysm if you keep stressing out like this. Go stress over the kids. You have teenagers, that’s plenty of stress.” She sighed, loudly. “No matter what you think, I am an adult. I can do what I like—even if you disapprove. If that happens to be Sterling, so be it.” She was scowling now. “I mean it, Buzz. I love you, but whatever is or isn’t happening here has nothing to do with you.” She pressed the button and handed the phone back to Sterling. “Sorry.”
“For...?” He cleared his throat. “Making me spit on your dogs or using me to get your brother all riled up?”
“Why did you spit on the dogs?” She used her blanket to rub the dogs dry.
“I have ears.” He shot her a disbelieving look. “You caught me off guard.” Now she was smiling, all mischief.
“I might have been a little extreme, but the point remains that he’s way too overprotective. He doesn’t trust me to make good decisions.” She used air quotes around good decisions. “Like he has to check in on me to make sure there’s no nooky going on.”
“Nooky?” He’d never heard that one.
“Boinking? Hanky-panky? Knocking boots? Smashing...” She glanced at him again, nodding. “I like to keep up with all the trendy words. I have a teenage niece and nephew, so I need to keep that whole cool-aunt thing going.”
“Uh-huh.” He had no other answer, but he was getting the point. Buzz was convinced the two of them were going to wind up in bed and Cassie was upset. Not that Buzz was convinced she and Sterling would end up in bed, but because Buzz didn’t respect her ability to make her own choices. He wasn’t sure if he should be offended on her behalf or wonder if there was a snowball’s chance in hell that Buzz should be worried.
Cassie was too worked up to expect a response. She sat a little taller, her tone brittle. “It’s offensive, honestly. And it’s none of his business. None. He needed reminding. I should have added a little pizzazz but...” She looked back over her shoulder, smiling again. “I’ve never heard Buzz make those sounds before. I’m not going to lie, it was gratifying.”
“Sounds, eh?” He slid back onto the floor and moved around the other side of the table. “Are we talking choking? Wheezing? What?”
“Hmm.” She took a sip of her water. “Kind of like an angry chicken. Squawking, mostly. Angry squawking.”
He chuckled at the image. “He loves you.”
“A little too much sometimes,” she grumbled. “It’s humiliating to have your brother trying to fix you up all the time. Or, worse, he interrogates anyone I pick.”
“I’m not taking his side, Cassie.” He tapped a puzzle piece on the table and risked a look at her. “But you’re lucky to have someone that cares so much. Irritating or not, he wants only the best for you.” Which doesn’t include me. He touched his nose. “You deserve the best.” Which was probably something he shouldn’t have said out loud.
Cassie stared at him, her expression blank and her posture more rigid than ever. “What does that mean, the best? It’s like the word normal. Normal doesn’t really exist. Neither does the best. The best man for me would be the one to really, truly love me—irrevocably. A man that would value me and my wants and never take me for granted. And the odds of finding this man, in Granite Falls, is slim to none.” She shrugged. “What’s the point of setting such high expectations when they’ll end in disappointment and heartbreak? Twice was enough. More than enough. I think I’ll be just fine with Bert and Ernie and those squirming cuties in the box.” She picked up a puzzle piece. “Even Buzz can’t argue over that.”
But her words sliced through him. Twice? She’d had her heart broken twice? She’d loved the bastard Buzz told him about. It wasn’t right. Or fair. What she wanted wasn’t too much. It was as it should be.
He’d screwed it up royally the first go-round but he’d been young and so damn stupid. It’d taken cracked vertebra and a punctured lung for him to realize this wasn’t about his dream—this was about proving his father wrong. Instead of wasting all that time and energy on chasing belt buckles and big payouts, he should have stayed with Cassie and proven his father wrong that way. Rodeo hadn’t been his dream, she was. If he could go back, he’d choose differently. He would love her, value her and her wants, and never take her for granted.
Sitting there, studying her while she sifted puzzle pieces, he suspected he still would—if he was given the chance.