Chapter Eighteen
Aiden tossed the condom into the trash with more force than was necessary. She was everything he couldn’t have, and it ticked him off. He glanced toward the door, but didn’t hear Madison stirring from bed. He wanted to return to her, wrap her hair around his fist, and pound into her until he came—but he couldn’t. He’d watched her come, and it had broken something in him. He wanted to watch her do that—saying his name—again and again. It was the kind of permanence he didn’t have any business wanting.
He stepped into the glass-walled shower and turned the spray on hot. His erection mocked him. By the time he finished, he hoped Madison would be deep asleep. After today, she had every right to pass out, except she hadn’t had a chance to eat. He’d let his desire take over, instead of ensuring she got proper food and rest. Selfish, but he wouldn’t change anything. And therein lay the problem.
The hot water pelted his back. He leaned his forearm against the glass and rested his head against it.
The team always came first. Before his wants, needs, or family, the team was most important of all. He’d thought he could control his attraction to Madison, keep it separate, but the truth was that he wanted her for himself. He’d given up so much, accepting the estranged arrangement with his family for their protection, pushing people away until he was a well-honed machine, ready to perform. It wasn’t healthy. Couldn’t last. But then, he’d always told himself there was an end date. When Evers was locked up in jail, he could make amends.
He knew how a relationship in his current state would go. Things would be fine, they would be careful, then someday, Evers would catch on to them. They all knew it was a day coming up fast, and when it did, anyone close to their team would be a target. People like Madison and his grandmother. He didn’t want to bury Madison like he had his sister.
Aiden opened his eyes and glared at his persistent dick. Hard as ever. Because what he wanted was so close, and he couldn’t have it.
If they didn’t close this thing with Evers soon, Aiden was going to lose it. The chance at a normal life, the family he’d always thought he’d have someday. He was sick of the operations, of living like he was in a war zone and letting the FBI yank him around. He was a seasoned enough soldier and operative to know that if he didn’t take something for himself, if he didn’t carve out a bit of normalcy, he’d end up like Julian.
“Aiden?”
Through the fog on the glass, he could see the shapely figure on the other side.
“I thought you were asleep,” he said.
“No.” She padded across the floor.
“You should get some rest.”
Don’t come any closer. I can’t be responsible.
The door opened, letting in a blast of cool air. Madison stepped in, still naked, her hair loose. He stood stock-still. She reached for him, placing her hand against his cheek and gently kissing his mouth. As much as he knew he should push her away, create some distance, he couldn’t.
“Why didn’t you come back to bed?” she asked.
“You need to get some sleep.” It was the only refrain he could think of as a plausible reason. He wasn’t about to tell her the truth.
“We weren’t finished.” She glanced down at his erection.
“Don’t worry about that.” It wouldn’t be the first time he’d jacked off in a shower.
“Hm.” She wrapped her hand around his cock and he gritted his teeth. She pumped him.
“Madison.”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do all the time, only when I let you.”
“But you follow orders so well.”
She laughed, and God he wanted to—record that sound, bottle up her essence—something to keep it with him always. He reached out and traced a heart tattooed on the side of her ribs.
“Hurt like a bitch, didn’t it?” he asked.
“Pretty sure I cried.”
“I regretted that placement within five seconds.”
“What does it say?” She glanced at his side.
“It’s Greek.”
“Well it doesn’t look like English.”
“Is that what you came in here to do? Ask me about my tattoo?”
She stared at him a second, then slowly blinked. “No, I came in here to give you a blow job. Hands against the wall, big boy.”
It was his turn to stare at her. That . . . was not what he expected her to say, but then again, he should be used to that by now. Madison was never what he anticipated.
She sank to her knees, hands on his thighs. He stared at her, unable to think or process the moment beyond Holy fuck. She ran her nails up and down his inner thighs, peering up at him.
“And just in case you have some stupid idea that the only reason I’d give you head is to get something, think again.”
“I didn’t—”
“Oh shut up and enjoy it.” She grinned and wrapped her hand around his cock.
Whatever hardness he’d lost in the moments between being inside of her until now redoubled. His vision blurred. Her hand slid along his length, her fingers finding every sensitive place along the head of his dick.
He swayed on his feet. Had a woman ever made him weak at the knees like this? Probably not. He leaned back against the cold wall and stared down at her.
Madison had one hand around the base of his erection, the other splayed against his thigh, just over an eight-inch scar. Her expression was one of intent. A woman on a mission. He held his breath. She rose up on her knees and bent her head.
The first lick of her tongue along the underside of his cock drove all rational thought from his mind. She pumped his length while treating the crown like her personal lollipop, swirling her tongue over his head.
He made a guttural noise in the back of his throat. Her mouth closed over him and she sucked lightly. The hand on his thigh rose to his balls, rolling them in her palm. The water pelting them had nothing on the heat of her mouth. She bobbed her head slowly, working more of him into her mouth. He rested his hand on the top of her head. Her mouth and hand worked in tandem, stroking all of him.
Let her go at her own pace. Don’t take control.
She peered up at him as she slid his cock into her mouth, all the way until he hit the back of her throat. He sucked in a deep breath when she shifted. It felt so good, so hot and fuck—he was going to come way too soon.
Madison worked him in and out, rubbing her tongue along the underside of his cock and sucking. Her mouth was heaven. Way too good for him.
He dug his hand into her wet hair and thrust lightly. She hummed once more, holding still in his grip. He guided her by her hair, working in and out of her mouth, trying to be gentle. She placed her hands on the backs of his legs and scored his skin with her nails. He thrust, rougher than he intended. She dug her fingers in, treating him just as rough as he had her.
Aiden wrapped her hair around both hands and held her while he thrust into her mouth. She sucked and rubbed her tongue over him, driving his control out of the window. He fucked her mouth, trying to gentle his hold, to be careful, but all he wanted was her, to brand himself on her, never to be forgotten.
He pulled out of her mouth once he felt a prickling sensation at the base of his spine. He rocked up on his toes and cum spurted out of his cock. Her hand wrapped around him, pumping him while the orgasm rolled up from his toes, pleasure cascading through his body while she drew the last drops from him.
Aiden released his hold on her hair and slumped against the wall. She rocked back onto her heels, looking up at him. The shower was already washing the evidence of his orgasm away.
He held out his hand and pulled her to her feet, tugging her against him. She smiled, and it was as if the rest of the world ceased to register. So long as Madison had reason to look at him like that, nothing else mattered. He bent his head and kissed her, wanting to drink her in, soak up all that she was.
There was no knowing what would happen, if he could figure out a way to make them work, or if she’d even be interested. For now, he had this moment. Tonight. And he’d sure as hell enjoy them.
He took the soap and washed her once more before completing his shower. Even his stomach was starting to growl, and he’d done nothing but sit on his ass and have a couple of beers tonight. He guided Madison out of the shower, mindful of the slick floor, and bundled her into another of the fluffy towels. Her sleepy smile made his heart do a little summersault. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had looked at him with that much trust in their eyes. It made his responsibility to her that much heavier. He settled her on the sofa while he reheated dinner.
“I didn’t know what to get you, so I ordered it all and had it put on the side,” he said. The microwave dinged.
“I’m easy to please.” Her tone was drowsy, and no surprise. Between the stress, her bout, and now another round of lovemaking, it was amazing she hadn’t passed out already.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” He set the Styrofoam container in her lap before situating himself.
For a few moments, they ate in silence. Madison polished off half her burger, showing just how ravished she’d been. He liked this, just being with her. She didn’t push him, didn’t expect him to be or do anything. Too many people wanted him to fit their ideas of a shop owner, or a driver, or an operative, or a soldier. He was exhausted by the burden of it all. Couldn’t he just be?
“So, the tattoo, what does it say?” she asked between bites.
He picked through the fries before selecting the perfect one to dunk in ketchup. His right side prickled in remembered pain.
“One of the officers on my first deployment was a real brainy kind of guy. Big history buff, always telling us about how history repeats itself. I resented him at the time. I mean, it was post-9/11, we were in the thick of a big push, and he goes off about philosophers and the Crusades. He died during that deployment. Our next CO was a prick, and it taught me how good we’d had it. I never appreciated Benny until then.”
For a moment, he chewed his food, rolling the bits of memory around in his head. Most of his unit had died without Benny there. Aiden could name the survivors on one hand. The man had known his shit.
Aiden cleared his throat, Benny’s voice echoing in his mind, and he recited the tattooed quote. “First, have a definite, clear practical ideal; a goal, an objective. Second, have the necessary means to achieve your ends; wisdom, money, materials, and methods. Third, adjust all your means to that end.”
“Did Benny say that?” Madison asked.
“No, Aristotle. Like I said, Benny was a history and philosophy buff.” It was probably because of Benny’s leadership that both Julian and Aiden survived the hell of their next deployment. After that, everything changed. They were selected for special operations and the courses of their lives were forever altered.
“He sounds like an amazing person.”
“Yeah, he was kind of an ass, but he kept everyone breathing.”
“What about the bumper on the Chevelle? Think you’ll be able to find a replacement?”
“Yeah, it’s just going to take a hell of a long time.”
“You can’t just order one?”
“I could, but it wouldn’t be the real deal. See, a lot of people take these cars and refurbish them, make them plush, update the console a bit.” He shook his head. “Not the Chevelle. It’s a restoration.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning it’s the way it would be if it rolled off the assembly line. It’s in perfect condition. Or it was.”
“How’d you get into doing old cars?”
“My grandpa. He died a long time ago, but he taught me all about cars and because of him, I grew to appreciate the classics. They don’t make cars the way they used to. Those cars? They were made to last. It’s why you’ll see a car from the fifties still cruising down Ninety-Five. The things they’re rolling off the lines now?” He shook his head. “They have a shelf life and they do that intentionally. Keep people always getting a new car.”
Aiden glanced at Madison, eating her fries and watching him.
“You don’t care about cars. Why am I telling you this?” Truth was he could go on for hours.
“It’s interesting, but yeah, I don’t really appreciate cars the way you do.”
“Then why ask me?”
“Because it’s not like I can ask where you grew up or what your family is like or why you have a scar on your leg. You can’t risk telling me the normal, personal things, but cars—they’re like an extension of you.” She shrugged and glanced down at the last bits of her dinner. “I just want to know more about you, and it’s the only safe thing I can think about.”
The sad reality of it hit him full in the chest. He knew almost her entire life story, inside and out, and she could probably list just a few things about him. He wanted to tell her, to share his life with her, but she was right. It was safer for her if she didn’t know. And yet, he couldn’t stop himself. What was one little story?
“We were in Sangin, this awful town in southern Afghanistan, on a mission. They grow a lot of opium there. Things weren’t going well. We were taking fire and trying to get to our extraction point. Julian and I were pinned down in this alley, so he breaks into this shop and we go out the other side. This woman—she had to be high as fuck—comes out of a back room. I freeze. She stabbed me here.” He lifted the towel and pointed at the thicker part of the scar, right up near his groin. “And she yanks it, down. I start bleeding everywhere and Julian knocks her out. I was bleeding badly. She cut my femoral artery and I would have probably lost it right there if it weren’t for Julian. He got a tourniquet around my leg, carried me out of there, took a bullet doing it, but we survived.”
“Oh my God, that’s—that’s horrible.”
“Yeah. Sometimes I think I should have just curled up and died, because Julian will never let me forget that day.” He rolled his eyes, but deep down, he was grateful. Despite all the fucked up shit they went through after that, and even now, at least he had a life worth living.
“That’s not funny,” Madison said.
“I’m joking. Come here.” He put their empty trays on the floor and pulled her into his arms. She settled against his chest, sighing.
“I don’t want to joke about you dying.”
“Morbid sense of humor. Comes with the job.” He stroked her hair, content to just hold her.
The loft was quiet, peaceful. He couldn’t have asked for a better place to lie low for the night. He’d need for someone to swing by his place and her boat to ensure the Eleventh hadn’t decided to target their property beyond Madison’s bike. Speaking of her bike, Julian had sent him a couple listings for decent motorcycles that might suit her needs. Granted, he’d like to see her in an armored transport, but there were some battles he knew he’d lose.
A soft snore interrupted his mental listing of the pros and cons of specific makes of bikes. He peered down at her, amused to find that she’d drifted off.
What was he going to do with her?
Madison deserved better than him. There was no doubt in his mind about that. But he wanted her. Could he figure out how to make it work? Was there a way to keep her safe until they wrapped up this thing with Evers and Dustin?
He didn’t know. And there was no one he could talk to.
Julian and Gabriel were jaded. The twins lived for the job. John would tell him no before he finished his question. Emery was the last person he’d go to for romantic advice, considering he was harboring a crush he thought Aiden hadn’t noticed. And CJ and Kathy, well, it was in their best interests to keep him focused on the job. Madison was a distraction. Except, he needed her. He needed this sense of normalcy, a reason to keep going that lived and breathed.
What he needed to do was talk to Grandma. He didn’t usually call her, but maybe this time he’d make an exception to the rule.
Aiden hooked his arm under her legs and stood, hoisting Madison up into his arms. She groaned and turned her face to his chest. He held his breath until she sighed and seemed to settle.
He carried her once more to the bed and laid her down, pulling the comforter up under her chin. Tonight he needed space, to think. Could he really be falling for her?
Madison shifted and stretched in her sleep. She moaned and her eyes fluttered open.
“Mm, hey,” she mumbled.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”
She glanced around, brows drawn down, no doubt wondering how she came to be in bed. Her gaze returned to him and a slow smile spread across her face.
“I’m cold. Keep me warm?” She scooted over and out came the towel, meaning under the sheets, she was naked. It was not a thought he needed to dwell on.
He should say no, put some distance between them, except he dropped his towel and climbed in next to her. Madison fit so well in his arms, her curves nestled against him and a sense of home wrapped the moment up in such a sense of rightness, he couldn’t extract himself if he tried. This was exactly where he wanted to be.