I DESIGNED OUR carefully worded wedding invitation with Oscar’s feedback. Printed with black italicized script on pale pink parchment paper, it read, in part,

Knowing we have chosen

God’s will for our lives

Charita Lynette Cole

And

Oscar William Brown, Jr.

together with our parents

Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Cole

and Mrs. Anna V. Brown

invite you to share in our joy

as we pledge our lives to each other

before the Lord Jesus Christ

Mama, Val, Karen, and I mailed out invitations to most of the guests on Oscar’s and my lists. Oscar hand-delivered invitations to his family and congregants. I hand-delivered invitations to the adult members of my small church as well, to avoid exclusions. During our pre-marital counseling sessions, my pastor and his wife told us they were sure the congregation would look forward to celebrating with us. I was the founder of the Children’s Ministry, and Oscar was a ministerial favorite.

During our courtship, Oscar attended many services at Calvary, prayed with individual saints and preached on several occasions. He also directed the choir for our anniversary service in May.

Joining two lives, Oscar and I had to discuss and negotiate belief systems. Like traditional Catholics, Oscar did not believe in the use of birth control. Members of his church married without wedding rings as did the members of Calvary Church in Baltimore. I was willing to follow those teachings, with plans to wear Oscar down until he bought me a ring. There was no scriptural support for the no-jewelry clause to which he adhered. Penny bought me a plastic ring that I kept, reminding me of the band which was to come.

As part of his commitment of his body to God, Oscar did not go to doctors. His belief in faith healing had taken root as a teenager when his younger brother accidently shot him in the leg while hunting. Oscar’s father—and Bible teacher—was willing to take him to the hospital to have the bullet removed, but he decided against medical intervention. He chose to walk in faith, leaving the bullet in his leg and suffered no complications. When I looked at his calf, there was an entry wound, but no exit wound.

Unlike many members of Church of the Lord Jesus Christ at that time, Oscar had decided going to a doctor is a personal decision. He shared with me that when Mary’s condition was worsening, he encouraged her to see a doctor, but she decided against it. As for me, I took medication to offset the biochemical imbalance in my brain. Continuing to take lithium was non-negotiable. Oscar agreed I should follow the regimen that was keeping me healthy.

Three weeks before our wedding, I met with my psychiatrist to get a new prescription and to discuss pregnancy risks for women taking lithium. He informed me that lithium could damage a baby’s heart during the first trimester of pregnancy. If I became pregnant I would have to suspend lithium use under psychiatric supervision.

I shared my doctor’s assessment with Oscar. The thought of going off medication frightened me. Plus, Oscar did not sanction the use of birth control under any circumstances. He believed his strong faith and love would sustain us through a pregnancy. He promised, “I’ll be your medicine.”

Unsure as to whether or not I would go through with the marriage, I decided to pray. I remembered God had directed me to forego my trip to Paris in 1979 where I would have suffered my first significant hypomanic episode.

I explained my dilemma to Elder Hickey, Jo Ann and my pre-marital counselors, asking for prayerful support rather than advice.

Convinced in my spirit that I could suspend lithium use for a short time during pregnancy, I let Oscar know we would go through with the marriage.

Elder Hickey and I had our final therapy session at the end of May. Believing my union with Oscar would be mutually beneficial, he agreed to deliver the prayer of Invocation at our wedding. Elder Hickey noted that I had gone through this cycle of therapy without transference or regression, which he considered an unusual feat. Many people who enter therapy rely on their therapist as a savior and improve in a peaks and valleys projection. I already had a God and was so determined to get well that I improved without plateauing.

We reviewed the growth areas I had been most resistant to in February 1987:

      1)  Moving and acting on faith

      2)  Confrontation with authority figures, primarily my dad, and

      3)  Committed non-platonic relationships.

I was now doing well in each category. Additionally, I had rid myself of the torment that accompanies the fear of relapse. I accepted the Biblical truth that rather than the spirit of fear, God had given me a sound mind. I would take my medicine, pray, and keep my stress levels down. In situations where emotions flared, I’d have to keep calm or walk away.

My counselor and I revisited my tendency to want to think of myself as less than others because of my illness. I had to remind myself that as a human being, I was no better or worse than anybody else.

Before our final prayer together, Elder Hickey first praised me for the courage I displayed in destroying my box, then reminded me I was marrying a man who understood love and knew how to express it. He reminded me I had said, “This relationship is what I deserve.” Establishing eye contact with me, my insightful therapist advised, “Trust Oscar, and talk to him non-defensively.”

On Saturday, June 3, 1989, we rehearsed for the wedding. Although we didn’t repeat the vows, we listened as the pastor read them aloud. I was terrified. After the rehearsal, I approached my pastor, wide-eyed, babbling about my inability to commit to a marriage. He smiled and stated, “You’re marrying Oscar next week.”

Karen hosted a luncheon for the bridal party and our parents after the rehearsal. I distributed gifts and thanked the members of the bridal party for their love and support. After Oscar and I were alone, I had a problem to address with him concerning his mother. She absented herself from the day’s activities. When I asked, “Honey, where’s your mother?” He told me she wasn’t coming. Not only had she missed the rehearsal, she was not planning to attend our wedding. I was livid. When I spent Memorial Day weekend at her home, she was very nice to me, as usual, never giving any indication of her true feelings concerning my marriage to her son.

My initial thought was, What is wrong with her? Even his first wife’s sister approves of this union and of me. I took a moment to reign in my emotions, but still blurted out, “If she doesn’t come, she will never have access to any child I have.” Recognizing this as an over-the-top reaction, I conceded to Oscar I wouldn’t do that.

Then I lashed into him.

“Why did you let me put your mother’s name on our wedding invitations, knowing she was opposed to our union. Now our invitation is tainted by a lie.” To calm me down, Oscar explained he had been certain he could convince his mother to attend. He had been wrong. In an attempt to appease me, he shared his mother’s belief that “you really love me.” Oscar’s sister Gloria was the sole member of his immediate family or congregation who was present for the ceremony.

Mother Brown later told me she felt the timing was not right for Oscar to marry. No animosity was directed at me, “You were caught in the crossfire.” To which I replied, “If you die in the crossfire, are you any less dead?” In time, with mutual effort, we were able to develop a loving rapport, as evidenced by the absence of knots in my stomach when we spent time together.

This family’s reaction underscored how misunderstood mental illness is for the general population. It seems to hold an even greater stigma among African-Americans and fundamentalist Christians. My victory was being able to withstand opposition without feeling like a lesser person. I was going to claim my gift from God: Oscar William Brown, Jr.