It happened last Friday – the perfect day for a crime. It was the 12th of June, which made it even more perfect. It was my duty day in the library. I’m a library prefect. In fact, I help in the library every lunchtime – for three special reasons:
I like the 510 section in the library best, which is math and numbers. But I’ve also read a lot of HE’LL MOCK HORSES . Can you guess that anagram? Those books are on the fiction shelves (CL–CU) and they’re great for people who like solving crime puzzles.
Do you know what I’m going on about? I’ll tell you – SHERLOCK HOLMES . I really like detective stories, especially those written by Arthur Conan Doyle. Mrs. Eve says I would make a good Sherlock Holmes because I’m always solving things. I like Mrs. Eve for three special reasons:
Mrs. Eve says I make her laugh a lot, which is weird because I don’t really know any jokes. I don’t even like jokes. She also said that my head must be a computer, which is also a bit weird because my head never needs to be plugged into the wall.
But even though Mrs. Eve says odd things sometimes, I like it in the library. She says I keep it running like clockwork. I think she means that (the clockwork thing) because I’m 12 – so I’m the top library prefect, like the 12 at the top of a clock. Otherwise I don’t see that a library is anything like a clock. Although I think some old libraries are round, like one I saw in a book on Oxford on the 941 shelf.
I told Mrs. Eve that being a librarian is an ideal job for me. That’s because an anagram of LIBRARIAN is BRAIN LAIR , which is exactly what a library is – a refuge and a place of hiding for my mind. Perfect. She just smiled.
I like Fridays. It’s when I’m in charge of the library all lunchtime and I get to eat my sandwiches in Mrs. Eve’s office, next to her biscuit tin. I also like Fridays because:
The reason why Friday was the best day for a burglary was because that’s when the school office is left empty for twenty-five minutes. It’s a window of opportunity for any thief.
Those twenty-five minutes are when Mrs. Harris (she’s a sort of money manager who wears pink cardigans, has a squeaky voice and giggles a lot) always attends the finance meeting with the headteacher and a couple of men in suits.
Her office is always left empty from 11.10 to 11.35 every Friday. I found this out on the day I got hit by a ball on the field at morning break and I had to sit in her office with a bag of frozen peas on my head. I heard Mrs. Harris saying (mainly squeaking) lots of things that day. I also saw where the school safe is hidden.
There’s a big splodgy painting on the wall behind Mrs. Harris’s desk that opens like a little door because it’s fixed to the wall on hinges. Built into the wall behind it is a metal safe with an unusual lock.
Mrs. Harris keeps the key in her handbag, but I think there must be a spare one somewhere, in case she’s away.
Well, I got a peep inside that safe from the floor, when I had to lie down with the frozen peas. There was a lot of money in bundles, a cash box, a bag of £ 2 coins and a few silver cups and trophies.
Mrs. Harris didn’t see me peeping through my fingers. I saw her lock the safe door, put the painting back and drop the key in her purse inside her handbag. (I was disappointed it wasn’t a combination lock using numbers. That would have been awesome.)
The phone rang and Mrs. Harris giggled into it with a squeak:
‘I’m just coming, Derek. Just attending to the walking wounded – although Eliot’s not so much walking as lying on the floor with his feet up on a chair to get the colour back to his cheeks, bless him.’
She giggled again and said to me with a very loud voice (I think she thought I
couldn’t hear very well if I had a bag of peas on my head), ‘I’ll be back in a minute, poppet. I’ve just got to go to the finance meeting. Just call Miss Milligan in the next office if you need anything.’
Then off she went, and I was left lying there... staring at the splodgy picture behind her desk and knowing that I must be one of the only pupils in the school who knew what was hidden behind it.
Before I tell you about something terrible and all about the BIG KERFUFFLE ( ELF BIKER GUFF ) that started the mystery, you might like to know about one of my special laws. I call them ELIOT’S NUMBERS CRUNCH LAWS.
I’ll put it in a box in case you want to skip over it and miss it out. Mr. Adam says I must try to think about other people who don’t like numbers, because if I keep going on about them I might be boring.
So the next bit in the box (ELIOT’S NUMBERS CRUNCH LAWS: LAW 1) is for people who like numbers and who want to think inside the box. Mr. Adam says I’m always thinking outside the box – but I don’t really understand what that means.
If you like numbers, can you answer this question: What numbers are never odd or even?* There’s an obvious answer. I’ve put it at the bottom of this page, upside-down.
Now, are you ready to look inside the box?
I simply adore experimenting with numbers and finding different laws. I’ve worked out lots so far and I store them all on my memory stick, which I keep with me at all times. I think I’ll put them in a book when I’m 24. That’s my next favourite number – at least, it was (you’ll see why soon).
My biggest fear is of being robbed. If someone stole my memory stick with all my number laws on it, I would go mad – even though I remember every detail in my brain. It would feel as if my insides had been squeezed out and trampled on by stampeding elephants. (That’s called figurative language, but I don’t use it much because I prefer more accurate stuff like precise numbers and real
facts.)
Between you and me, I know exactly who’d steal my memory stick and much more, too. I’m going to tell you now about the WORST ENEMY (TEENSY WORM ) I’ve ever known. He’s nothing less than vile – LIVE EVIL. He’s enough to give you NIGHTMARES (SMEAR THING ).
Tomorrow I will tell you the fearsome facts.