So there I was, doing no harm to anyone on the school bus, when Victor Criddle came and sat next to me.

‘Do yer want a sweet?’ he said.

Even though he looked scary and just like the Child Catcher, I thought he was being friendly, so I said, ‘Thanks very much,’ and I took a Celebrations from the bag.

I unwrapped the mini Mars and took a bite. Yuck. It tasted dreadful and he was squawking and squealing – which is his way of laughing. My mouth was burning and I thought I was going to be sick.

He said he’d soaked the sweets in some kind of chilli oil, and he thought it was really funny. I told him what I thought of him and he thumped me in the mouth.

He said, ‘No one argues with Victor Criddle. Victor by name, victor by nature.’

Then he got me in an arm lock until I couldn’t breathe. Everyone else on the bus

thought it was funny, but I felt like I was dying.

From then on Victor Criddle hasn’t left me alone. He calls me ‘Weirdo’ and shouts it at me across the street, across the bus park or even in the library. He’s made my life a misery.

Mr. Adam said I should keep out of Victor Criddle’s way and try to ignore him. I don’t think that deals with the problem. I’m not really bothered about being called names – it’s the other stuff that gets to me.

Before I tell you about the worst thing he did, I must mention Hannah. She’s a Year 11 library prefect who understood everything about all that happened. I don’t talk to girls much, but Hannah’s different and she seems quite clever.

I like Hannah for three reasons:

1. HANNAH is a great palindrome, but her second name is so nearly one as well. Her full name is Hannah Widdows. (If it was WODDOW she would be perfect and I would have to marry her).
2. Hannah reads all the time and she must have read half the books in the library. She knows lots of stuff and she uses incredible words. I’m teaching her to talk backwards. She always puts WRM or BTW in her texts – short for ‘Which Reminds Me’ and ‘By The Way’. It’s her special thing.
3. Hannah and I often eat our sandwiches together in the library office. She’s got this thing where she has to eat her food in alphabetical order, which I think is so cool. I’d love to see her eat alphabet soup. She laughs at the way I guard the library biscuit tin and she calls me Cerberus guarding the Underworld of Jammy Dodgers (whatever that means).

I can’t wait till I’m in Year 11 (10th grade), like Hannah. She tells me some of the stuff she’s done in Math and Physics. It sounds awesome.

The other great thing about being in Year 11 is the number. Probably 11 is my third- favourite number. ELIOT’S NUMBERS CRUNCH LAWS: LAW 2 on the next page says why.

When I’m in Year 11 I’ll be sad in some ways, because Hannah will be at university and I won’t have anyone to eat my sandwiches with in alphabetical order. But I’ll be so happy, too. That’s because Victor Criddle won’t be at school anymore.

I expect he’ll be in prison.