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Kids Consume Sexual Messages through Mainstream Media

A Quick Review of What’s Out There and How to Address It

People in our developed, westernized, high-tech culture are inundated by thousands of media messages a day. Television, radio, logos, packaging, billboards, internet ads, email lists, snail mail, bumper stickers, movies—whether it’s overt or obscure, the ways media influences our lives are endless. Allow me to perform a real-time unscientific experiment. It’s 1:03 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon in December. I’m sitting in an independent coffeehouse, mostly frequented by graduate students from the local state university and the occasional coffee snob (like me). Imagine you’re sitting nearby. Now we’re going to take a 360-degree glance around the inside of the café and note any sort of media or message displayed in the café itself or attached to any patron (anything that is at least popular enough to recognize).

From left to right, here we go:

*It’s hilarious. Here’s a link to the original site without ads: http://www.danbannino.com/portfolio/poetic-dogs/.

Compiling that quick list took about thirty seconds, and the messages and products I “consumed” are relatively harmless. However, if I were sitting in your average restaurant or bar, strolling through a mall, driving from this coffeehouse to my home, or even just browsing the internet, I know the messages would be more risqué and sexualized. I know the liquor or clothing ads on TV, the lingerie stores and life-size posters of models I’d pass in the mall. I’ve seen the sexy billboards for beer products and the advertisements for strip clubs while driving on the interstate. Even on respected news websites, I know the suggested (and suggestive) articles and ads that would come my way.

Our eyes take in whatever is in front of us. If we’re emotionally and spiritually developed and healthy, we know how to process that information. If an attractive woman walks by, I can notice her beauty but not compare myself to her. I can choose to listen to my own music instead of the popular radio station in the coffee shop that plays songs that are, at times, inappropriate.

However, if we’re not psychologically developed and spiritually mature—which children and most teenagers are not—we don’t always know how to process things. Not every message is bad, but we need to learn how to discern and react to what the media feeds us, because the truth is that unless we live completely unplugged from society, we’re going to be inundated by the messages companies and advertisers want us to see, hear, and experience. And like the food we eat, the messages we consume will affect our bodies and our brains.

This statement by author James P. Steyer perfectly sums up our media-saturated world:

Unlike the children of the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s, whose media choices were limited and stood out like isolated, familiar landmarks in communal life, kids today inhabit an environment saturated and shaped by a complex “mediascape” that envelops and bombards them day and night.1

All eighteen studies I researched on the influence of mainstream media concluded that the more a child or teen (between all studies, aged seven to seventeen) consumed media with sexual content (sexual images, language, or story lines), their risk of “early sexual intercourse” increased dramatically, especially around the age of fourteen. At that age, those who had a “high sexual media diet” (high SMD) were two times more likely to have sex than their “low sexual media diet” (low SMD) counterparts. And at the age of sixteen? Those with a high SMD were five times more likely to have sex than their low SMD counterparts. Those in the middle were three and a half times more at risk than those who consumed less sexual media.2

One expert summed up the research well: “Taken together, the correlation, experimental, and longitudinal studies all speak to the power of the media to educate children and teens about sex and sexuality and to influence their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors in a significant way.”3

However, when parents are involved in their children’s media consumption, either by coviewing (watching a TV show or movie with the child) or by having a “strong connection” to their children, research indicates that the level of parental involvement actually serves to protect children and teens from the influence of sexual media and decreases their likelihood of engaging in sexual intercourse early.

The Moral of the Story

In 2013, I spoke at a convocation at Gordon College in Wenham, Massachusetts. In my talk, I compared watching a TV show in 1988 (when I was eight years old) to watching TV now. I used the popular show Full House (which ran from 1987–1995) as an example to illustrate how most television shows portrayed the “moral of the story.” Generally, a thirty-minute Friday night program followed this structure:

On almost every show geared toward teenagers at that time, the final five minutes presented the people sitting down, with thoughtful music playing quietly in the background, to discuss the conflict. Why did D.J. want to go to the party? Why didn’t she talk to her dad about it first? After the conversation, D.J. accepted the consequences of her poor choice and understood she could always talk to her dad about peer pressure and ask for his advice, and the scene faded out with a hug between father and daughter.

To contrast my Full House story, I paraphrased the plot summary of a current show aimed at a similar demographic that airs on Friday nights: “This guy hooked up with so and so, and she was angry because this other person had also hooked up with someone else. So she decided to hook up with another person to make him jealous.”

“The problem,” I explained to the Gordon College audience, “is that we’ve lost the moral of the story. In fact, we’ve lost the story altogether.”

A true story includes character development, conflict, and a resolution. Some, though not all, TV shows (or movies or video games) for children and young adults used to follow a similar story line where the audience would learn something positive at the end. Today, most of our current media content presents only conflict, no story. Because at the end of the day, sex—not story—sells.

In hindsight, even though TV in the ’80s was mild compared to programming today, I recently rewatched the first few episodes of Full House.* I looked at it through the lens of “What messages am I really consuming by watching this?” and was surprisingly disappointed. The show’s heartthrob, Uncle Jesse, played by John Stamos, was clearly very promiscuous. It’s a wonder he didn’t father six children and have a plethora of sexually transmitted diseases.†

*Confession: I may or may not own the entire series of Full House on DVD.

†I’ll be honest. A little part of my childhood died when I realized how much Uncle Jesse slept around.

As we’ll learn later, sex as it’s depicted in mainstream media, including on a “wholesome” show like Full House, is rarely connected to physical or emotional consequences.

Children and Media: The Statistics

I recently acquired a textbook, the entirety of which focuses on research relating to children and the media, for a child psychology class.4 The book literally weighs more than my friend’s rat terrier. I spent entire months immersed in it, taking notes on what I should include in this chapter.

The answer? Everything.

From advertising to mainstream media, the internet to video games, this book offers a wealth of data on how children interact with and are affected by various forms of media.

As much as I want to share all the research in this book with you, I can’t. First, there’s a law against plagiarism. And second, I have only a few pages of this chapter to dedicate to children and the media, and I’ve likely already spent too many words reminiscing about Full House. So let’s dig in to some of the most important and relevant statistics as we determine the kinds of media our children consume and how they digest it.

Television

A three-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a fifteen-year-old have a broad and diverse range of interests, and that range is consistent with what children and teens watch on television. A Nielsen study conducted in 2010–2011 revealed that children under the age of twelve watch cartoons and animated features rooted in fantasy. Teens older than thirteen prefer reality shows and sitcoms that reflect their daily lives and experiences.5

Research indicates that although children and teens watch less TV than adults, on average, they’re watching twenty-four hours—a full day of TV—per week. According to one of the most well-respected studies on sex and television, more than 75 percent of prime-time shows on major networks contain sexual content, with only 14 percent portraying any risks or consequences tied to that behavior. The study determined that an average teenager watching average television an average amount of time will be exposed to eight to ten sexual references or behaviors per hour. That’s between 192 and 240 exposures to sex per week, just via television. And that study was conducted in 2005, more than ten years ago. Research in media is expensive, and one of the most reputable media research organizations, the Kaiser Family Foundation, closed its media and health section in 2010, so we don’t have a truly accurate picture of the current statistics.6

In order to conduct my own unscientific experiment, I went to a reliable source to find out what teens watch: the Teen Choice Awards, which airs on Fox each summer. The awards recognize performers in music, television, movies, video games, and internet media, and the winners are chosen by teens. Voters must be between the ages of thirteen and nineteen and live in the United States.

I decided to watch the television show that won the most awards, Pretty Little Liars (which airs on ABC Family, a network presently owned by Disney, which, in name alone, implies “family-friendly” programming7), and I noted each time something sexual was said, depicted, or implied.

Here’s what I observed before the title credits rolled at six minutes in:

Teenagers drinking alcohol, using drugs, and implying that drinking together equates friendship; a tongue-in-cheek comment about one girl being gay; a high school–age girl visiting a pub, where she pretends to be older and flirts with a twenty-three-year-old teacher (they are later shown making out in the pub’s bathroom); and a father asking his teenage daughter to keep his affair a secret from her mother.

If you give the show another five minutes, you’ll see a teenager flirting with a salesman for $350 sunglasses (which she steals), a teenager offering another teen advice on what clothes to wear and mentioning that she needs to dress sexier to get attention, a flashback scene to the teenage girl accidentally finding her father cheating on her mother, girls wearing really short skirts, and two girls who lost a lot of weight over the summer being called the new, sexy “it” girls. You’ll also learn that the teacher who was kissing the high school girl in the pub’s bathroom is actually her new teacher.

In forty-four minutes, Pretty Little Liars contained nearly forty instances of sexual innuendo, content, or language, and many of these references were overt. I watched a few more episodes, just to be sure this one wasn’t an anomaly, and the next few episodes were no different than the first.*

*Much to my husband’s eye-rolling dismay. After five episodes, though, I lost interest and reverted back to rewatching Friday Night Lights.

Most well-intentioned parents would probably include the ABC Family channel on their “approved” list for teenage viewing. As I mentioned earlier, the name of the channel alone implies wholesome programming. Also, Pretty Little Liars has a TV-14 rating, which seems innocuous. Yet I’d argue that this rating is misleading. I considered the four teenage girls (ages fourteen to seventeen) in the small group I lead. Would I feel comfortable watching this show with them? Or even knowing they watch the show? Not one bit. They are strong Christians from great families and are leaders in our youth group. Even knowing their maturity level, I also know how impressionable their minds are at this stage of their development. And I, a woman in my midthirties, had to stay on guard as I watched the show so that I knew I was processing sexual content appropriately.

As I researched Pretty Little Liars, ABC Family, and similar shows and channels, I was honestly a little surprised at how much effort is dedicated to intentionally marketing these programs to teen girls. The TV show previews hit all the heartstrings: cute boys, friends, and fitting in at school. The commercials are all about pretty shoes, facial cleanser for acne, shampoo, and makeup. On the surface, a TV-14 show on a family channel wouldn’t cause me to bat an eye. Knowing what I know now, I hope more parents are aware of how dangerous these seemingly “innocent” or “age-appropriate” shows actually are to brains that aren’t adequately developed to process their sexual content.

Still need some convincing? Watchmojo.com has a list of the top ten shows you shouldn’t watch with your parents.8 I know the high schoolers in the youth group Tim pastors watch at least half of these shows. If you think your kids are not watching them, you may be right. But it’s likely a friend of theirs is, and your child is probably hearing about it.

Movies

Although children and teens spend less time watching movies than they do TV, parents need to be more on guard when it comes to movie content. A study conducted in 1999 reports that 80 percent of all movies shown on network or cable television include sexual content, and oftentimes the content is more explicit9 than the theatrical release of the movie.10 This study was released before streaming services like Netflix, Hulu, Vudu, and Amazon Prime existed. Now pretty much any TV or Blu-ray player comes standard with these services.

Recently, the movie The Wolf of Wall Street showed up in the new release section on Netflix and Amazon Prime. When the movie released in theaters, an acquaintance of mine saw it with her boyfriend, neither of whom are professing Christians or churchgoers. Sexually explicit material generally doesn’t bother them. She mentioned in passing how “dirty” she felt after seeing it and wondered how it was allowed in theatres with an R rating. “It should have been an NC-17, at least,” she commented. A crew member on the film agreed in an interview: “Even I couldn’t believe that they gave it to us. It probably should have been an NC-17.”11

Kids-in-mind.com is a great resource that allows you to check out the content of movies before seeing them (or letting your kids see them). It rates sex, violence/gore, and language on a scale of 1 (minor) to 10 (extreme). The Wolf of Wall Street was rated a 10.4.10, respectively. On a computer or tablet without filters, this kind of movie is readily available to stream with just a couple clicks.

It’s not only the extreme R-rated movies that should concern us, especially when it comes to what our children are watching. In a 2006–2009 study of 122 “family” films (rated G, PG, and PG-13), a quarter of female characters (whether cartoon or human) were depicted in “sexy, tight, or alluring attire.” Another study found that women in G-rated films are as skimpily clad as women in R-rated films.12

Think of most of the cartoon princesses in the last two decades. I remember asking my mom why Ariel from The Little Mermaid could wear a bikini top but I couldn’t. Media expert Hope Schreiber compiled a list of some hidden and some not-so-hidden sexual references in G- and PG-rated films.13 When I was in high school, I recall sitting in the locker room with my basketball teammates discussing some of these sexual references, like the minister’s erection in the wedding scene of The Little Mermaid and Aladdin whispering, “All good teenagers take off your clothes.” In a more recent movie, Ratatouille, critic Anton Ego makes an oral sex joke by saying (to Linguini, about his food), “If I don’t love it, I don’t swallow.” In Shrek, the magic mirror speaks of Snow White, “Just because she lives with seven men doesn’t mean she’s easy.” Yes, that may go over a six-year-old’s head, but it doesn’t miss their ears (or ours).

Sexual content in films is pervasive, explicit, and accepted without consequence. Unrealistic depictions of women’s bodies negatively impact the way viewers assign value and worth to women in real life. Children are consuming and digesting these messages—likely thousands of them each year. While not all are overtly sexual, at minimum these messages objectify our bodies (women’s bodies in particular) and do not represent God’s design for sexuality.

Music

Music has always been the artist’s emotional exploratory sandbox. Songwriters take the mundane and extreme and condense grand philosophical ideas into a brief, poetic form. Songs are the sound track to our daily lives. Music stirs emotion and nostalgia. Lyrics inspire us, console us, inform us, and connect us to universal questions and longings. And in many ways they connect us to one another.

However, sometimes a song isn’t intended to delve into the depths of the human psyche, but instead is simply a reflection of the songwriter’s culture. (This is my polite way of saying sometimes music reflects the terrible aspects of society—drugs, rape, violence, and irresponsible sex.) It glorifies the more appalling behaviors of human beings.

As a preacher’s kid, I wasn’t allowed to listen to mainstream music (my father, however, had a few ABBA and Neil Diamond albums hidden in his office at the church). Amy Grant was about as crazy as it got. My first concert was the contemporary Christian artist Carman at the age of nine, and I walked away with my first tape, Revival in the Land.* When I turned thirteen, I got my very own stereo with a CD player and my first two CDs: DC Talk’s Jesus Freak and Jars of Clay’s self-titled album.

*My mom’s purse also was stolen at that concert.

But even with my parents’ strict rules and complete control over what music I brought into the house (I was only allowed to buy music from the local Christian bookstore), I was able to skirt their restrictions and appease my teenage desire to fit in with my classmates. My CD/stereo also dubbed tapes, so while I would make copies of my Christian albums for my friends (yes, I pirated my Christian music as a teenager), I’d also sneak blank tapes to my friends so they could copy their mainstream music for me. I’ll never forget the time I went on a road trip vacation with my family, my red Sony Walkman attached to my hip. The tape inside had a handmade label that read “DC Talk Mix Tape,” but I was actually listening to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman.” Instead of hearing “What if I stumble, what if I fall?,” I was listening to the angst-ridden lyrics “Dreams of wars, dreams of liars.”

Following my obsession with Metallica, I gravitated toward a love of country music and rap music, from Diamond Rio and Reba to Snoop Dogg and Tupac. My parents were clueless. Preachers’ kids are sneaky.

After church camp my freshman year of high school, I felt compelled to recommit myself to Christ and be rid of the secular influences in my life. My best friend and I collected all our “non-Christian” CDs, drove to the parking lot of a Hastings Entertainment store (poetic justice), and ran over them with her parents’ car. We took what little money we had and bought Christian alternatives—The Gaithers (southern gospel) and D.O.C. (Disciples of Christ, a Christian rap group)—to replace what we had destroyed.

Today, my iPod playlist includes a mix of everything from Hillsong to Taylor Swift. (Yes, yes, I know. I know. I’m sorry.) Even the rogue “f-bomb” makes an appearance in a Mumford and Sons song or two. Back in my Metallica days, I would have insisted that lyrics didn’t matter. But now, as an adult—and an adult who listens to a diverse playlist—I would argue with my high school self and say yes, lyrics do make a difference. Even as an adult, I have to be careful how I interpret and process the things I hear. If my mind starts going down an inappropriate path, then I know it’s time to change the station.

What messages do our children consume when they listen to mainstream music? What do these messages teach them about values? And what do kids these days listen to? Using my Teen Choice Awards standard, I’ve taken the liberty to pull lyrics from two of the winning songs: “Second guessin’, but should’ve hit that” from Demi Lovato’s “Really Don’t Care” and “There’s a million yous baby boo” from Ariana Grande’s “Problem.”

A quick glance at the nominees for the 2014 Teen Choice Awards was equally troubling. One song in particular, “Turn Down for What” by DJ Snake and Lil Jon, caught my eye. I first heard this song at a church camp—and a relatively conservative one at that. Each night an online radio station played over the loudspeakers as the teens filed into the auditorium for worship services, and “Turn Down for What” was broadcast almost every night. I found the song’s beat and words a little annoying (what were they saying anyway?), and later, curious whether a contemporary Christian artist was behind these simple and seemingly pointless lyrics, I Googled the song and, like many kids often do, watched the video. I discovered that while the song’s few lyrics were mainly about staying high and drunk, the song’s music video proved shocking in both vulgar and immature ways.

I don’t know how many kids at that church camp did the same (or watched the video simply because it was a popular song), but if they did, they saw a man falling through an apartment building, breaking things and hitting people with his exaggerated-in-size penis, as well as women being treated (and performing) like sex objects.

Please, for the love of Pete, do not watch this video. Let this snippet from an interview with the director suffice:

There were three questions I had after watching “Turn Down for What” for the first time. One, how did the special effects team so realistically depict their protagonist smashing stuff with his penis; two, who are the complete freakazoids that directed this thing; and three, what does it all mean?14

And, yes, my parent-friends, this song was nominated for a Teen Choice Award in 2014. Teen. Choice. Award.

Studies show lyrics influence behavior, plain and simple. A study of ninth graders demonstrated that those exposed to sexual lyrics (students averaged 14.7 hours per week listening to songs with sexual content) were two times more likely to engage in sexual intercourse during their freshman year.15

Another study on why lyrics matter states:

Degrading sexual lyrics are more likely to focus on casual sex, “boys being boys,” and women’s primary usefulness as objects for sexual pleasure. . . . This study’s findings are consistent with the theory that teens learn important cues about sexual behavior from media.16

It’s no surprise that music has always been a staple in the life of a teenager. With each generation comes a new style and anthem for freedom. This generation is different. You are different. Explore the depths of who you are and find what is yours. This is your time. This is your music. This is your cry. Music is a rite of passage. It’s personal. And it’s also extremely easy to enjoy without ever really noticing what it’s saying to us. Now’s a good time to explore what the songs your family listens to are communicating about sex.

Video Games

Remember Tetris? The super-cute Super Mario Bros? Sonic the Hedgehog? Even the Street Fighter days of yore pale in comparison to many mainstream video games this decade.

In the early 1970s, adult consumers were fascinated by the video game Pong, but sadly, when the game didn’t change much, the cool factor diminished considerably during the 1980s. What happens when you insert sex and violence into a medium? Sales! Skyrocketing sales. And that’s exactly what happened in the late 1980s and early 1990s (and continues today).17 Video games, along with the rest of mainstream media, have become much more sexualized.

We largely determine which video games are appropriate for our kids in the same way we deem which movies are appropriate: we pay attention to the label and the rating, rather than the “fine print” or the details. We accept what the Entertainment Software Ratings Board (ESRB) determines as “kid-friendly” at face value. For example, you probably feel like it’s a safe bet to buy your tween or teen an E10+ (Everyone 10 years old and older) or a T (Teen) game, but let’s take a closer look at how the ESRB qualifies their ratings:18

RATING: AGE DESCRIPTION:
Early Childhood (EC) Age 3 and older. No inappropriate content.
Everyone (E) Age 6 and older. May have minimal violence and language.
Everyone 10 and Older (E10+) Age 10 and older. Mild violence, mild language, and minimally suggestive themes.
Teen (T) Age 13 and older. Violence, suggestive themes, crude humor, minimal blood, infrequent strong language.
Mature (M) Age 17 and older. Intense violence, blood and gore, sexual content, strong language.
Adults Only (AO) Age 18 and older. Prolonged scenes of intense violence and/or graphic sexual content and nudity.18

I recently visited the ESRB’s website (esrb.org) specifically to look at the sexual content of games rated for children under seventeen. Here are a few examples from the site:

Game: Story of Seasons (E10+)

Synopsis: This is a farming simulation/role-playing game in which players tend to animals, grow crops, and mingle with other farmers and friends. Some story lines reference violence: “[Y]ou went into her room, talked to her, then hit her in the head with a blunt object and killed her,” and “After you killed her, you dragged her body to the balcony.” Scenes also contain sexually suggestive talk.19

Game: Etrian Mystery Dungeon (E10+)

Synopsis: This role-playing game allows players to guide a group of adventurers on a mission to save a town from monsters. Players investigate labyrinths and fight fictional creatures, such as giant insects and carnivorous plants. Some female characters sport clothing that reveals large amounts of cleavage. The game contains brief references to alcohol, as well as some foul language.20

Game: Dark Souls II (T)

Synopsis: Some scenes in the game depict blood and gore: a giant snake boss holds its detached head; a giant boss creature is composed of hundreds of corpses; dead ogres lay by a pool of blood; a torture device is streaked with blood. A boss creature is partially topless, with only her hair covering her breasts. Several vulgar words also appear.21

Game: Omega Quintet (T)

Synopsis: Players in this role-playing game adopt the roles of warriors battling an evil force. The game contains some suggestive material, including “costume breaks” in which characters are depicted in their underwear and several characters are topless, with steam covering their breasts. Several scenes refer to and depict drunkenness, and in one a character asks, “Could you not spread your alcoholic breath around first thing in the morning?” Swear words are common.22

Although it is rated M for Mature (17+), Grand Theft Auto, one of the most popular games, is frequently purchased by minors (or acquired for minors by their parents). My husband was recently selling his Xbox One, and in a response he received from Craigslist, a twelve-year-old wanted to trade him Grand Theft Auto for one of Tim’s games. Concerned, Tim called the number and asked for one of his parents. The conversation went something like this:

Tim: “Hi. I was trying to trade a video game with your son. He wanted to trade Grand Theft Auto for mine. Are you aware of what content it has?”

Mom: “Yes, whatever. It’s his game. I don’t care. He can do what he wants.”

ESRB says this about Grand Theft Auto V, the most recent version of the game: “The game includes depictions of sexual material/activity: implied fellatio and masturbation; various sex acts (sometimes from a close-up perspective) that the player’s character procures from a prostitute—while no nudity is depicted in these sequences, various sexual moaning sounds can be heard.”23

As I stated earlier in the television section, you may not be purchasing these games for your children, but chances are that they’re going to have friends who own them. Don’t hide these cultural commonalities from your kids, hoping they won’t come across them just because you don’t allow them in your own home. Talk to your kids about these kinds of video games and other mainstream media. Teach them how to process sexual material when they come across it . . . because they will.

Having the Conversation

Out of all the conversations you’ll have with your child about sex, the conversation about media should be the easiest for you, but it might be the most challenging for your child to hear. You have the advantage of maturity (and now some pretty consistent and revealing statistics). Your child is dealing with hormones and peer pressure. They are also just beginning to understand feelings of desire and grapple with a yearning to connect and belong.

Do you remember what it was like to be fifteen years old? I do. I thought I was way more mature and sophisticated than I actually was. My parents were old-fashioned; they didn’t know what was really going on in the world or in my life. Surely they didn’t understand my passion for being culturally well rounded. As a Christian, it was important for me to “become all things to all people so I can save some!” I also lived by the words Everything is permissible!—after all, that’s what Paul said, right? (The worst teenager is the one armed with years of Vacation Bible School, Awana, and Bible drills. We are always ready to spout Scripture, usually out of context, to prove our point! The four most difficult words you may face from your teen in this conversation are: “But the Bible says . . .”)

In hindsight, as adults, we can probably recognize the media influences that impacted us during our teenage years. Some of it wasn’t so terrible. Some of it was. Over the years, television shows, movies, and music have shaped my beliefs about love, relationships, morality, values, God, and more. I would even go so far as to say that at times I’ve allowed media to influence my view of truth—for good and bad.

For example, the media has influenced my definition and understanding of true love. I used to dream I was Meg Ryan in the movies Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve Got Mail. She always ended up happy with Tom Hanks, who portrayed the perfect, emotional, generous, and awkwardly cute man. I’ve since learned that the typical romantic comedy isn’t the most accurate reflection of real-life love. The media has also communicated that underage drinking is acceptable and the norm. Even my beloved Friday Night Lights depicted how easy it was for high school junior Tim Riggins to buy beer. The more I watched or listened to certain media, the more my vocabulary changed as swear words crept their way into my everyday conversations. Even now, after watching the series Breaking Bad, I’ve somehow picked up Jesse Pinkman’s well-known saying, “yo,” and use it far too often. The fact is that we digest what we consume. Regardless of our age, we need to be cautious of the media’s influence and impact on our lives.

Steps for Talking about Media with Your Kids

1. Look over your family values and determine how they apply to the conversation about media.

Family Values

2. Pick a fun time to talk about media. Find a good movie, TV show, or concert. Enjoy media with your kids. After it’s over, allow the experience to be a natural lead-in for beginning this conversation.

3. Ask questions. Ask what music your kids enjoy, what their favorite movie of the year was, and what some of their favorite television shows are. This isn’t so you can ascertain how much sexual content they’re consuming. Listen just to listen. Ask why they like the music, movies, and shows they do. Try to get to the root of why particular choices appeal to them. In high school, I was drawn to bands with strong female leads (think No Doubt and The Cranberries) and bands that expressed a lot of pain poetically (Smashing Pumpkins, Jeff Buckley, Elliot Smith). I can see now that although I still enjoy most of the music I liked when I was in high school, back then the hidden pain I harbored from being sexually abused and my desire to feel strong and confident undoubtedly informed my choices. Likewise, I secretly watched dark movies and television shows my parents wouldn’t have approved of because I was looking for characters who wrestled with the same thoughts I had. Talk to your kids about why they are drawn to particular genres. They may have a deeper reason for their choices that needs to be uncovered.

4. Identify and communicate your family’s stance on media consumption. This is where some “rule making” will come in and where you can expect the most resistance. Now that you understand your kids’ why, explain your why to them. Each family will be different. Your restrictions might look more like those of my parents, who were very conservative and moderated everything that came into our home. Or you might be a little more liberal. This is a time for your family to determine what’s acceptable, what’s not, and why.

6. Always be open. Let your child know you’re open to discussion if there’s something they’re interested in that falls outside of the values you’ve established. This accomplishes a few things: (1) it opens up more trust between you and your kids, and hopefully, they won’t feel like they have to sneak around; (2) it helps you gauge what type of media your child or teen is being exposed to and naturally pressured to engage in; and (3) it offers you insights into what your child is being drawn to. If your child presents something really unexpected, then it’s probably time to have another conversation and explore the “why” again.

7. Remember that rules are made to be broken (especially when it comes to teens). More than likely, even with guidelines in place, your kids are going to break the rules. They’ll ride in a car with a friend who listens to that band you absolutely can’t tolerate. They’ll hear a song in the mall or see a show or a commercial playing somewhere in public. Chances are, they’ll be just like me (and maybe even like you) and intentionally go against your wishes. If you discover your child has broken the media boundaries you’ve established for your family, be gracious and forgiving (reminding them that you’re always open to conversation), and continue to build trust with them.

pointerblkTHE BOTTOM LINE

As I mentioned earlier in the chapter, the research is clear: the more a child or teen is exposed to media with sexual content, the more likely they are to have sex at an earlier age. This is frightening, no doubt about it. But all hope is not lost. The studies that also assessed the impact of parental involvement in media choices illustrate a much more positive picture. Yes, the voice of the media is loud, but if you remain understanding, consistent, and communicative, your kids will hear you above the noise.

pointerwhtEXPERTS WANT YOU TO KNOW

Olivia Pelts is a trained mental health therapist, a nationally certified counselor, and a licensed professional counselor intern. As an expert in the field of human behavior and performance, she is passionate about issues of trauma, sexuality, and equipping parents to engage their kids in today’s culture. Olivia is a graduate of Denver Seminary and currently resides with her husband and their two dogs in St. Petersburg, Florida, where she maintains a thriving private practice and is actively engaged in CrossFit as a level 1 trainer.

pointerwhtStudies have shown that, in general, children and teens are consuming more media via more platforms (television, the internet, music, etc.) than ever before. Can repeated exposures to hypersexualized messages influence self-esteem and cause young people to develop unrealistic and unhealthy views of sexuality since their brains are still maturing?

Absolutely. There is so much complexity in the brain, particularly in the exchange of dopamine, serotonin, and synaptic wiring/rewiring that occurs when we engage in any type of activity, conversation, or new experience. In fact, research has proven that our brains do not reach full maturation until our mid to late twenties, with the prefrontal cortex (the piece of our brain responsible for high executive processing and decision making) being one of the last sections to develop. So when we ask our teens, “Why can’t you just think with your brain and not just your emotions?” there is a physiological reason as to why they cannot fully think with their “logical brain,” especially if that kind of thinking is not being modeled by you, the parent.

Several years ago, it was estimated that an average individual was exposed to three thousand advertisement messages on a daily basis. With their excessive consumption of social and other media, today’s teens are exposed—at a minimum—to double that number, if not more. This barrage of advertising and other messages is impacting their ability to navigate relationships and engage with others. The editor-in-chief of Advertising Age estimates that about 8 percent of an ad’s message is directly consumed by the conscious mind, while the remaining 92 percent is absorbed by the subconscious, which essentially means we are often not even aware of how the messages we consume shape our beliefs, values, and actions.

When an adolescent boy is exposed to hypersexualized content, his brain signals the reward center to release dopamine, which in turn sends the message: “Hey! This is awesome! We want more . . . more . . . more.” In addiction work, we know it takes only a small initial exposure to be intrigued, but with each subsequent exposure, the brain demands increased stimuli until the cycle erupts into a full-blown addiction. Generally speaking, this will affect the ways in which this adolescent boy will connect with females relationally, as well as his underlying beliefs about female anatomy. And it can result in a skewed interpretation and use of sex. In short, increased exposure to hypersexualized content can create serious intimacy issues and a very emotionally disconnected boy who will eventually become an emotionally and relationally “stuck” grown man.

In 2007, a study conducted by the American Psychological Association concluded that adolescent girls who had been exposed to sexualized images from a young age were more prone to depression, eating disorders, and low self-esteem. When consuming hypersexualized media, young girls see what they are not, which causes serious dissonance within them. Young girls realize they will never be that thin or have large breasts or luxuriously flowing hair, and this realization causes anxiety, depression, and at times, eating disorders, because our culture says these are the types of women men are attracted to. Girls don’t see themselves—the way God made them—in the images offered by our culture.

It is ignorant to believe that media consumption has little or no effect on your children. But it’s absolutely tragic to acknowledge the power of media and not establish parameters around media consumption in your household, or worse, not engage in conversation about these issues with your children.

pointerwhtWe can’t always control what our children see or hear. What are some ways a family can communicate positive values to their children to help them process inappropriate or offensive media in a healthy way?

We have to start with ourselves first and ask ourselves, as parents, some serious questions: How do we feel about sex? What do we believe about boundaries and media consumption? What is our body and behavior saying when the topic of pornography or masturbation is broached? Figure out where you stand and what your own values are first so that you can then communicate those values clearly and effectively to your children. Second, remember that each of your children is unique and different and, therefore, must be engaged differently from their siblings. What works with one child may not work with your other children.

We cannot assume our kids’ innocence. Children today spend the majority of their awake hours online. A 2010 study by the Kaiser Family Foundation concluded that the average eight- to ten-year-old spends almost eight hours a day engaging with a variety of different media. Older children and teenagers spend more than eleven hours per day. Your child is not the exception to the rule. Statistically, they are the rule.

We can’t sex-proof our kids, no matter how hard we try.

The “chastity-belt-preaching parents” proclaim legalism, not grace. If we want to connect and communicate with our kids honestly and authentically, and if we want them to come to us with their questions and concerns, we need to offer them grace and openness, not a list of dos and don’ts. Providing your children with a value and belief system through consistent, authentic engagement and boundaries helps inform their decisions and equips them for life. A legalistic list is easily discarded when peer pressure kicks in.

pointerwhtWhat advice would you give parents to help them understand both the long- and short-term effects of consuming media on children?

The best advice I can offer parents is for them to consider the ways in which they use electronic devices and consume media to “numb out” or in the name of “catching up” on the news or seeing the latest happenings on Facebook. How do you engage with electronics in your home? What does your behavior communicate to your kids? Do you put parameters around your own media consumption, or do you allow it to wreak havoc on your personal life by fueling envy or creating emotional imbalance and “fear of missing out” syndrome? Remember, kids learn how to socialize and engage by observing and emulating you and others in their environment, so think first about your own media use and the message it’s sending to your kids.

Second, and I can’t say this enough: boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Create some family rules regarding media consumption and electronic usage. One of the most loving things you can do for your child is to limit their screen time. Video games should not be played more than one to two hours a day. Get a basket and at 6 p.m. every evening, put all electronics—including your own—in the basket (either for an allotted time or for the rest of the evening). This will allow you all to engage with one another without being interrupted by someone tweeting, snapping, or playing. Better yet, make one day a week “screen free,” and use some of this time to engage with your kids.

Also consider whether or not you might be using media or electronics as a babysitter or entertainment for your children. If you’re routinely placing an iPad in your kids’ hands when you go to the doctor’s office or out to lunch with a friend, you are communicating a powerful message: “I am too busy or distracted to engage with you. Children are to be seen and not heard.”

Will these boundaries limit you, as the parent, in some ways? Absolutely. You might find you have to work a little bit at creatively engaging with your kids. But continually ask yourself this question to help keep your priorities on track: Am I in it for the short-term reprieve or for the long-term benefits? Remember, you have the power to shape and mold your child’s mind and heart. You have the ability to teach them how to think intellectually, connect emotionally, and engage in healthy relationships with others.

Every day, almost minute by minute, you have the opportunity to show up and be present for your kids. The gift of yourself, here and now, is one of the most long-lasting and loving gifts you can give your children.