JOE THE BAD GUY’S MIDNIGHT RUN
It was just after midnight when Joe the Bad Guy set off for the Hollywood Hills. This was where Fred of The Grateful Fred lived. It wasn’t part of the Rock and Roller’s Code to live in a mansion on a hill, but it was very common.
Joe made his way through the back gate of Fred’s house, past the pool and Jacuzzi, and began checking doors and windows. All the doors were locked, but he found an open bathroom window and climbed through. Now to find Fred, he said to himself, grabbing the toenail clippers out of his pocket. He moved through the dark hallways and rooms humming “Yeah, Yeah, Baby, Baby.” He hated The Grateful Fred but he couldn’t get their music out of his head.
He didn’t find Fred right away. But he did find his music equipment. Fred had a large collection of electric guitars in his den. And Joe set about cutting the strings—he had the clippers to do the job. Just in case the clone idea doesn’t work, Joe said to himself. Besides, it was always a good idea to destroy your enemy’s guitars. It simply made sense. This wasn’t part of the Bad Guy’s Code, but it sure felt right to Joe.
Once he’d finished, he looked around at the guitars with the broken strings and kissed the toenail clippers before returning them to his pocket. This was an ideal time to use his evil laugh, he thought. But of course he hadn’t perfected it yet. And he didn’t want to wake up Fred, wherever he was. He’d laugh later, he decided, when he finished the job.
Where was Fred? That was the big question. Maybe the band was on tour, or maybe Fred was on vacation. Joe went from door to door in the darkened house—bathrooms, bedrooms, closets. But no Fred. Joe was beginning to get worried. With no Fred, there was no evil plan, and with no evil plan, there would be no revenge. And with no revenge we would have one sad bad guy on our hands, and we just can’t have that, can we?
“No, we can’t,” Joe whispered.
I wasn’t talking to you.
“Oh.”
Joe went through all the rooms on the second floor, then headed to the kitchen. All this bad-guy work was making him hungry. Unlike superheroes, who like to snack when they’re not working, bad guys like to snack while they’re working. It’s one of the major differences between good guys and bad guys. Also, bad guys smell worse. In Joe’s case, a lot worse.
Fred was asleep on the living room couch, surrounded by root beer and pizza. It wasn’t part of the Rock and Roller’s Code to party all the time, but that was also very common.
Joe forgot his hunger as soon as he saw Fred. He tiptoed over and snipped off a chunk of toenail. But as he turned to leave, Fred opened his eyes. “Hey, who goes there?”
Joe dashed down the hall, climbed out the bathroom window, and dropped into the backyard. Suddenly lights came on all over the grounds.
Joe looked for a place to hide. He jumped into the Jacuzzi just as Fred came running out the back door. Joe stayed low, out of sight.
After a while Fred went back inside and turned off the lights.
Joe still held the piece of toenail he needed to clone Fred. When the coast was clear, he climbed out of the warm water and headed for his lair.
“Should have rented the one with the Jacuzzi,” he said to himself. It would be a great way to wind down after a long day of devious and sinister deeds.