All of a sudden, I feel somebody moving me. I feel like I been asleep a long, long time. I want to stretch. But—oh, it hurts! My leg owoooo!
A hand touches my head. That feels good. Us uglies like gettin’ a pet especially well because it don’t happen to us every year, not like with the shiny dogs and the curly dogs and the fluffy dogs, they get all the hand work.
Now the kids are gone. They’re leavin’ me behind! I gotta go! I gotta!
“Take it easy, big fella, you’re gonna be fine.”
They’re movin’ me. Carryin’ me somewheres.
“Didn’t they want it neutered and licensed?”
“Mr. Harvey says he’s gonna want Pete to try it for a few days first, see if he can handle a big dog like this. My guess is they’ll be takin’ this old guy over to the pound inside of a week.”
I’m in a cage and I hate cages, I want out! OUT! OUT! OUT!
“Good Lord, what a voice on it!”
Now, here are the kids! Here is Pete, I remember him! Hiyahiyahiya!
“Hey, there hog dog! Look he’s lickin’ my hand, he’s grateful!”
“He is germy, Peter. What is he, anyway, Doc? Some kinda half-Hyena?”
“This is partly an Australian Cattle Dog, Kim. That white blaze on his forehead is a Bentley Mark.”
“Any value in him?”
“Well, Pete, there’s something else in there, too. Uh, the ACD is a fine looking dog.”
“But he’s not so great looking, is he?”
“Well, what do you think?”
“I like ‘im!”
“That’s all that matters, Son.”
“What’s his life been like, Doc?”
“He’s been straying for a while. He could be from just about anywhere, unfortunately. He probably threw his collar a long time ago.”
“A ranch dog?”
“For sure. He’s got scars from hoof strikes, had a fracture in that left leg a while back. Professionally treated, so somebody cared about him at one point, that’s for sure.”
“Hey! Hey, wake up, hog dog! Wake up, boy!”
They walk off. Bang, a door shuts. I’m trapped!
No! NONONO!
They open the door again. Now I smell the kids! I see the kids!
HI! HI! I’M BOB! BOB! BOB!
“No! No bark!”
Oops.
“He’s not gonna understand you, Pete.”
“Yeah, he is, Doc. You understand, don’t you, old dog? You understand a lot.”
The people go. It’s dark. I’m hot. My leg hurts. I am thirsty. I gotta find Buddy! But I can’t ‘cause of this cage! I smell for Sanchez, but there’s no Sanchez here. I smell for other dogs, and yep, there’s lots of ‘em, and also cats. Uh-oh, cats!
Wherrrrre are they? Wherrrrrre are they?
I see ‘em. Whole buncha little cages, all fulla cats. Smell ‘em, they’re not even scared. Dumb cats, I’ll get you. Hey! Hey! Hey!
They just sorta look at me. They don’t care ‘cause I’m in here and I can’t get ‘em and they know it damn well. Soon’s I can, I’ll chase ‘em all the way away.
Tired, gotta sleep. Lie down, close my eyes. This’s good. I feel good here, lyin’ down. I smell Buddy when I sleep. I smell Buddy’s legs and his shoes and his hands and his arms and his breath. I smell Buddy’s hair and his face and the sweet spit that flies outa his mouth when he barks at me.
Whazzat? Oh, it’s dark, I been sleepin’ a long time!
“Here you go, old fella.”
I got a big bowl of water and a big bowl of good food. This goes down good! This dog is feelin’ better, yes! This food makes me so happy. And the water, it tastes good to me!
“You spend a restful night, your new people are coming back in the morning.”
Put your hand in here, lady. I’d like to lick your hand, lady.
“Ah, you got a lotta love in you, doncha, old guy? Pressin’ your face up against the bars like that. Yeah, old guy, your people are coming.”
There she goes. Heck! I want her back! She smells good! Come back ooooopul-leeeze! OOOOOooooommmmmmeeeee!
But she don’t come. Now it gets dark again. All the other dogs are sleepin’. Same with the cats. Guess I might as well, too. Sleep till the light comes back, nothin’ else to do.
Seems like hardly a second, I hear dogs stirrin’, makin’ their business. I stretch, make my business. I look out the bars. I sure wish I was somewhere else.
“You hungry again, old fella?”
Food! They feed me all the time! I like their food, I like it a whole lot! Gonna eat and eat!
Heck, it’s already gone. I cleaned the bowl so fast I didn’t hardly know I’d done it! And now what do I hear? People are comin.’
It’s the same ones, I remember them! There’s the boy, there’s the girl, there’s the bigun.’
“I think we’ve got about sixty percent function in that leg, but you wouldn’t know it from the way he paces. I never saw a dog hated the cage as much as this old traveler does.”
“Can he come home?”
“He’s ready, son, if you folks think you can handle him. This is a working dog, and he’s gonna need a lot of running. No matter how much he hurts, he will need this every day.”
“You hear that, Pete?”
“Yes, Dad. Hog dog, you wanna go home?”
Go? Did I hear go? Wannagowannagowannagogogo!
“Whoa, I think the answer is yes! So what’m I gonna name you, you old critter? He take a leash, Doctor?”
“He will, Pete. Remember, he’s a dog, he wants to please you. But are you sure you want this old cuss? They’ve got a lot better dogs at the shelter, I’m sure. This animal is at least ten, he’s gonna have to be fenced and he’s gonna hate that, and you’ve got to not only run him, but also nurse his leg very carefully.”
“If we take him to the shelter, what happens?”
“Well, the shelters need more money, the ASPCA, all of ‘em. He’ll probably get passed over, then they’ll have to send him on to the pound.”
“And they’ll find a home for him?”
“Pete, the doc’s pretty busy. Let’s take him on home, Son.”
“Dad, what happens at the pound?”
“Well, they keep them as long as they can.”
“He saved us. And he knew it, it was no accident. The dog knew what he was doing.”
His hand touches my head, I lick it. Sis puts her hand out, so I lick it, too.
“Ew, it has a huge tongue! And it looks like some kind of hog hyena with that face. It looks mean!”
“He put himself on the line for us. So c’mon, ole critter, come on home.”
Oh my hot possums, home! I know that word. I’m goin’ home. Buddy is at home. Buddy, Bob’s comin’ home. Thankyoukid, thank you kid, for takin’ Bob home.
“Lookit, dad, he’s lickin’ my hand again. This dog really has a liking for me.”
Sis says, “Thank God they bathed it before the surgery. It was matted.”
“Hey, critter! You like to play ball, critter?”
Ball?
“He knows that word. Hey, critter, ball!”
Ball!
“Critter ball! Ball!”
Yeahyeahyeah! Ball! Ball! Oh, yeahyeahyeah!
He throws back his head and shows his teeth and goes hackle cackle hahahaha like Buddy used to do and that’s good even though you’re seein’ teeth, that is a good sound! So Bob is happy because good stuff is happening finally!
We go out and here’s the same car we went in before. It’s asleep so we can get on. Oh, yeah, we’re gonna get a ride on the car!
“Don’t let him in the back seat, stupid.”
“I will so!”
“Will not!”
“Dad?”
“Kim, you sit up front with me. Let Pete and Critter take the back.”
“Yeah, Critter, come on! Your name is Critter. Hey, Critter!”
"His name is not Critter. It's Hogdog. Here, Hogdog!"
"No way, Dad, that's mean! He's my dog and he's Critter!"
"If you want to share him, Kimberly, you'll need to share feeding and walking chores, too."
"Walking? No way! I can't be seen with Hog Dog."
"Critter!"
I lie my head down on his lap. I like his smell. He’s like Buddy, he runs in grass, he eats candy, he gets the sun on his skin. It’s nice in the inside his smell. He eats things like potato chips that I am very expert at stealing, and candy that I steal so fast you ain’t gonna even see it happen.
“Look at Critter, Dad. Critter likes me.”
“We’ll see, son, but don’t you get too attached. Critter is a big dog and he might not fit in. We have to see how he takes to Miss Kitty, for one thing. And if he’s housebroken.”
“Miss Kitty is going to simply just hate Hog Dog.”
“She is not, Kim! Just ‘cause he wants to be my pet, you’re jealous.”
“All the pets belong to the whole family, kids.”
It’s nice here and he’s got his hand on my nose. I liked it when Buddy held my nose and lifted up my lips and stuff. I like to be fooled with.
Also, if he moves while I got my head in his lap, I’ll know it, which is another plus. ‘Cause I don’t want to wake up and he is gone. I don’t want him to be gone. I want to be with him till he takes me to Buddy. Then I will be with Buddy and all the rest of the pack will be behind me and Buddy, ‘cause Buddy ran ahead and I ran second in our pack. Oh, Buddy, here comes Bob! Bob’s comin’! Oh, Buddy, I love you so!
We stop. We are getting out. We are going across a little bit of grass. A house, and we are going in. It’s hot outside, it’s cool inside and—
Oh! This place smells like cats. Lemme at em!
“Slow down, Critter! He’s strong!”
Gotta get ‘em outa here!
“Critter, no! NO!”
There’s one over there and I pull the leash right outa his hand, ‘cause I’m gotta get rid of it for our pack!
“Dad, help me!”
“Grab the leash, Pete!”
It’s runnin’ but I’m faster, I’ll get it, I’ll get it out of our house! Oops, there goes something down!
“CRITTER!”
“Pete, he’s ruined the lamp!”
“Sorry, Mom!”
“Oh, God, the curtains! Get Miss Kitty off the curtains!”
I’m warrrrrrnin’ you, cat, I’m gonna wrrrrrrring your neck!
“Critter, sit!”
“He’s an old mutt, he doesn’t know commands.”
“Sit!”
Sit?
“Sit!”
Oh, okay…but I don’t want to. I want to get that cat!
“He does so know commands, Kim!”
“Leash him, son, and do not let him go again.”
“Pete, he ruined this lamp, just look at it!”
“We need to take him to the pound, Mom and Dad. This is crazy. Poor Miss Kitty is terrified, look at her.”
“You’re just jealous, Kim!”
“If you can train this dog, Pete, you can keep him. But you have to be in control. That’s what he wants, what will make him happy, right Critter?”
"Hogdog!"
"No, I think we've settled on Critter."
“Daddy, the dog is a disaster!”
“Kim, you let Peter have has chance.”
C’mon lemme get that cat, lemmelemme!
“Listen to him, he’s cryin’. He’s sad he busted the lamp, aren’t you Critter?”
“He’s sad he can’t eat Miss Kitty.”
“How do I train him, Dad?”
“You get a rolled up newspaper, and every time he tries to go after Miss Kitty, you bop him on the nose and tell him ‘no.’ Don’t hit him hard. All you need to do is startle him and you’ll get his full attention. Then you praise him for stopping. You have to be patient with him. Don’t show him anger. Show him a mixture of firmness and appreciation. He’ll catch on.”
We must be waiting for the sucker to come down. That must be why I gotta sit. Me and this kid, we’re gonna get that cat. Soon’s it comes down, yeah. I’m gonna go over and—
“Sit, Critter, you sit and you stay!”
Yeah, yeah, I forgot. I’m ‘sposed to sit. ‘Cause it ain’t movin’, is it? Wait till you do come down, you dumb cat, I’m gonna get you! Dumb! Dumb!
“No! No bark!”
“If he hurts her, Pete—”
“He isn’t going to! I’m in control of him.”
“Well, he doesn’t think so or he wouldn’t be drooling. Mother, that monstrosity wants to eat poor Miss Kitty!”
“Let Peter try, Kim. If the dog doesn’t work out, it goes to the pound. That’s understood.”
Oh, boy, it’s comin’ down! We got ourselves a cat, kid! We are gonna have some fun!
“No, you sit!”
Sit? I can’t sit, I gotta—ow! What’s that? He’s got a thing, he made a bang on my nose.
So I’ll sit. But that cat—lookit the little monster, it’s just walkin’ around right in front of us and we aren’t doin’—oh, I’m gonna get that cat!
“Critter, NO!”
Wow! He banged on my face! Wow, that was loud!
“You sit, Critter! Sit!”
Okay! Okay! But it’s comin’ right up to me!
“Now, that’s a good boy, Critter! Good boy!”
I’m good! Yeahyeah! Yeahyeah! But look, now it’s right in front of me. Lemme kill it! You aren’t my boss, Buddy is! I’m gonna get up, get up real slow…Ow!
“Don’t even think about it.”
Okay, I get it. He’s bangin’ when I go after the cat ‘cause I ain’t ‘sposed to go after the cat. I ain’t sposed to? Naw, that ain’t it. He got some other reason, so I’m gonna get that cat!
“Daddeee, it’s after her!”
“Get it outside, Pete!”
“C’mere Critter! Critter!”
Gonna getcha! Gonna getcha!
“Pete, grab the leash!”
“Daddeee!”
Gonna getcha! Gonna getcha!
“Miss Kitty is on the stove. Now she’s on the fridge. She’s hissing, she’s terrified!”
It smells great in here! Look, there’s meat up there! I’m gonna get up there an’ eat that meat.
“Dear heaven, now he’s after the groceries!”
“No, Critter! Sit! Sit!”
Ow! Owowow!
“Don’t you ever do that again, Critter!”
Critter? Critter? Is that ‘sposed to be me? I’m Bob! Bob! Bob!
“Don’t you bark at me!”
Ow! That thing is loud! Ow!
“Lay off with the newspaper, son.”
“He’s gotta be punished!”
“You don’t punish an animal. Ever. You control him, and there’s a big difference, son. Remember, he wants to do what you want him to do. He just needs to understand.”
“C’mon, Critter.”
Critter! That’s me! I’m Critter, too! Okay! Hey! Hey!
“Critter, no bark!”
I’m your Critter. I belong to you! Except it’s just until Buddy comes, cause I’m really Bob and Bob belongs to Buddy.
“Bring him out here, son.”
Oh, we’re goin outside. Okay, I like that! ‘Cept, this is pretty little. I’m gonna jump over that fence right now!
“No! No pull!”
Gak! Forgot the damn leash! Now what?
“We’ll keep him in the toolshed till he calms down.”
You want me to go in there? In that room?
“It’s where you gotta stay till you calm down.”
I smell a lotta junk here. Car smells, grass smells, hard stuff smells…and noise monster smells. There’s a noise monster right over there!
“Look, Dad, he’s scared of the lawnmower! You’re a funny dog, Critter. Can I give ‘im that big old blanket back in the storeroom?”
“Sure, Son. But give him something of yours, too. He’ll want scent if he’s gonna be left alone.”
“I use it on sleepouts. Hey, Critter, you sit and you stay!”
Stay? With the noise monster? You must be nuts!
“No! You sit! See, I got you a blanket’n everything. Smells just like me, Critter! Your master!”
Buddy said sit, Buddy said stay and Buddy said, ‘GO BOB’ when I was ‘sposed to chase our Frisbee and get it before it touched the ground.
“Sit and stay!”
Okay, Okay. I get it.
“Come on, Pete. Get that leash hooked over the anvil.”
You left me! I didn’t expect this! Now I can’t go anywhere and what if the noise monster wakes up?
Hey, I got a blanket! It smells just like you do, kid, and I like that ‘cause I like you. Mmm. I can push my nose down in it and smell nothing but you. You have no idea how many things I’ve already smelled about you, and I like every single one of them.
Mmm. It’s nice here now. The noise monster is deep asleep, smelling of old grass and cold cars.
I guess I love you, new boss. I guess so. So maybe I won’t sit no more, maybe I’ll curl up in this blanket. Feels good. The light is gettin’ lower. There’s nothin’ but the sound a bugs runnin’ around in here. ‘Cept I hear the kids out there. Puh-leeeeze lemme play. Puh-leeeeeeeze!
They don’t hear me or sumpin. I’m sayin’ please. Oh, I’m sad. Might as well sleep. Nothin’ else to do. Lookit them little bugs carryin’ away the big bug.
Hey! Hey!
Not a sound.
I sick of bein’ in here. I wanna to be with you. But the door is closed. I can’t go out. I want to be with you, kid, ‘cause I’m smellin’ your smell and I feel like cryin’. So I’m gonna lie here and think about Buddy insteada you. He’d pile his flaps on the floor at night, and they just smelled like him so much.
When the flaps come off, he’d be pale all over ‘cause his skin was out clear to the air, an’ I could smell his toes and his knees and his back and his chest and all without movin’ from my dogbed.
Then he goes and gets in the rain in the rain room and “poof” I can see him but I can’t smell him and that is so scary. So I stick my head in and I lick Buddy who goes, “I’m tryin’ ta bathe, you galoot,” which is something I never did figure out.
I would lick his wet leg so I could taste him and know he was still real. I wish I could lick him right now. Or that kid. If only that kid would come in and let me lick his shoes or his hands, I would feel good. I don’t want to be alone. Why did they put me in here? Oh, yeah, I ain’t ‘sposed to get rid of that cat.
He punished me on it. Again and again he smacked me, and I am not gonna forget that, it was loud, ow! But I like to be under him. I like to belong to him even though he calls me Critter. Until I find Buddy and turn into Bob again, I’ll be his Critter. I wonder what his name is? I like names. Everybody’s got at least one, or you’re not in the pack.
Hey, what’s that scent? Is that what I think it is, that wonderful smell? Oh, my that’s a dog pack, I smell ‘em all and they smell good! Oh, smell that! Smell that, that goes right through me like a bolt of fire, like jumping in the lake when it’s colder’n sno-cones you knock outa kids’ hands! I’m all nose now, you believe it! Take a sniff, a deep sniff, a de-e-e-ep one!
Oh, they must run with cattle, I can smell cattle sweat and cattle blood on ‘em.
We run and cut, run and cut.
When I am working, I am the gladdest of the glad.
But now I smell something different—a closer, smaller dog. A momma, and she has puppies.
Bob loves puppies! They need me! How can I get out of here? First, slip this collar. Oh, it’s tight! Okay, just push, push—there it goes!
Now I dig. Dig, yeah! But ow, this ground is too hard. Try the window. Yeah, I can jump up there and go right through it. Oh, the puppies need me, the puppies need Bob! The smells of the puppies and the momma are calling me! I gotta just get up here on this thing. It’s got all kindsa stuff on it.
Whoops, there went a whole lotta noisy things down! Boy, did that make a lotta noise!
“Critter?”
Whosat? Him? Yeah! Maybe if I go to the door and ask, he’ll let me out. Puh-leeeeeze!
“What’s going on in there, Critter?”
Lemmeoutlemme! Lemmeoutlemme! Out! Out! Out!
"That's a very unusual dog, son."
"He just wants out."
"He sounds like a tank backfiring."
"Do tanks backfire, Dad?"
OUT! OUT! OUT!