TWO MORE DAYS OF AVOIDING the life I’d left behind. And two more days not trying to salvage the one in front of me. Two more days of avoiding Aiden.
I’d ditched a lunch with Evie, Yash, and Aiden, saying I didn’t feel well. And I didn’t. I felt embarrassed. I felt confused. I felt like a coward.
Instead, I went on a date. A simple way to pretend I was moving on, getting happy, working on myself. It was another disaster.
“Don’t you think strong women can be feminine?”
“Of course.”
“I mean, it shouldn’t be that complicated. I’m just a woman, a person same as you. Just because I can lift a car and you can’t—is that reason enough to crush attraction? What is it with men anyway?”
“I’m not sure I . . .”
“Never mind. You don’t want to get mixed up with me. I’m not a good influence. I have a sailor’s vocabulary. Wait. Does a sailor have a bad vocabulary? Why did they get that reputation? Does every sailor curse? I doubt it. We should really be more sensitive to sailors.”
Poor, unassuming single dad.
Okay, I’d had a few drinks. In my defense, I had been trying to drown out the sound of Aiden in my ear. The way he’d said he wanted to fuck me. I’d been strung high and tight since then, and I hated that I wanted to take back what I’d said and climb him like a tree and ask him to take me home and keep me there until I couldn’t walk.
At some point, my poor date who hadn’t gotten a word in had simply disappeared. Good for him. Right choice.
I took my slightly inebriated ass to the street and headed home.
I pouted as I walked along the beach back to the cottage, avoiding onlookers and feeling ridiculous in a dress I’d picked up the day before on a shopping trip with Evie.
Why do I bother with these dates? I thought as I trudged through the sand. I was who I was. I was all I needed.
Right then and there, I decided I wouldn’t do it anymore. I was done. Doctor Evans could think of something else for me to do, some other way to get to know myself. This wasn’t working. I didn’t want to date. I didn’t want to be reminded time and time again that I wasn’t woman enough for anyone.
I needed to drink myself into oblivion and wake up tomorrow and go back to Chicago, get back to where I was comfortable, where I belonged. If Doctor Evans wouldn’t let me go back to work, I’d drive back and forth for my sessions, avoiding the Grove Cottages.
But the idea of leaving made my stomach turn. Picturing Friday nights without family dinners, not waking up to the lake or seeing Aiden gather trash in the mornings, not having breakfast with Evie and cleaning the cottages listening to nineties rock. What would I do without it? Go back to my apartment, wander the city looking for trouble?
“Bernadette?”
I stalked toward the front door, ignoring the sound of my name coming from next door.
“Bowden!” he said firmly as he stepped onto the porch behind me. I kept my head turned, fumbling with the key. The last thing I needed was for Aiden to see me cry.
“Dammit, Bernadette, hold on.”
Just as I unlocked the door, his hand landed on my elbow and he turned me toward him.
“Hey. What . . .” He saw the tears and his brows drew in. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” I mumbled.
“Tell me,” he demanded in a low tone. “You had a date?”
I nodded, refusing to look him in the eye.
“Tell. Me,” he said through gritted teeth.
“Forget it. It was nothing. It’s me. It’s always me. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard.”
“So don’t do it. Quit,” he said, his hands on either side of my face, his thumbs trailing over my cheeks, taking my stupid tears with them. I looked up at his perfectly chiseled jaw.
“I can’t just quit. My job depends on it.”
“You don’t have to keep dating to keep your job. It’s just an exercise. You can say no. Take some time for yourself. Or . . .”
“Or what?”
“Or date me.”
I grew still, my tears forgetting to fall. “What?”
He shrugged, his eyes on mine, his hands keeping me inches from him. “Date me.”
My eyes crinkled, “Are you asking me out?”
“No. You made it clear the other night that you’re not interested. I can take a hint.”
All of a sudden, I wanted to cry harder.
“What I am saying is you can date me so you don’t have to date anyone else. Just for Evans.”
“Oh.” I let my breath out. For a minute, with his rough hands on my face, I’d let myself think maybe I could. “You don’t have to do that. I’ll tell Evans I need to slow down on the dating thing. I’m sure she’ll give me something else to do. She’s very reasonable,” I insisted without conviction.
His hands were warm, his thumbs still stroking my cheeks. His gaze moved to my lips, and my breath was stolen again.
“Aiden?”
“What are you doing?”
“Did you mean what you said? That you don’t want anything with me? This is the last time I’ll ask, Bernadette. So you’d better tell me the truth this time.”
“No.” It came out in a rush, before I could think about it and inevitably say something else. I was fucking tired of thinking everything over, arriving at the worst possible outcome to every situation.
He smiled knowingly. “You look beautiful, Bernadette.” His body was warm, and I leaned in.
“Okay,” I whispered without thought, our lips a hair apart, my legs weak.
“But I still like your ass better in jeans.”
“Okay.” His lips met mine ever so lightly and my body stilled, his touch the only sensation registering as my mind fell quiet.
Then headlights were shining on us. A car pulled into the reserved spots next to the reception booth. The lights dimmed, and the car doors opened.
Aiden pulled away slowly, his eyes on me. Then he dropped my face and stepped back, our gazes turning to find Evie and Yash heading toward us.
“Birdie!” she called, seemingly oblivious to what they’d happened upon.
She stepped onto the porch. “How was the date?” A frown emerged. “You’re home early. What happened?”
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
“You were crying. Your mascara’s all mussed.”
I wiped my face with my forearm. “Really, it’s all good. It just wasn’t a love connection, and I—” I didn’t say more because Aiden was still there, and his gaze was intent on me. I turned to Yash, who, from the look on his face, had clearly seen more than Evie had, before returning my attention to Evie.
“Let’s watch romcoms and curse men for the rest of the night.” Evie rubbed my shoulder.
“Sorry, babe,” Evie replied, giving him a sympathetic glance before turning back to me. “We’ll curse all men but Yash.”
Aiden cleared his throat.
“Geez, sensitive,” Evie said. “All men but Yash and Aiden.”
I couldn’t keep my eyes from Aiden. As Evie’s gaze followed my eyes to her brother, her curiosity piqued. I tried to push him from my mind, my lips still feeling the soft pressure of his. It had absolutely been the most perfect almost-kiss.
“Earth to Birdie!” Evie finally said.
“That sounds perfect!” I said too eagerly as I fled into the house, tearing my eyes from the lips that had just been on mine.
“YASH WANTS TO HAVE SEX,” Evie said as she sat across from me on the sofa, sipping tea.
“What? You’re not having . . . I just assumed.” I tucked my feet up under me.
“I know, I talk a good game. And we’re together all the time. We act like a married couple. But we haven’t crossed that line, not since before we divorced, not since before my surgery.”
“Wow. And Yash?”
“He hasn’t, since the woman.”
“You believe him?”
“Yes, of course; he’s never lied to me. Not that it should matter if he did. But he’s been more than patient, and I want to as much as he does.”
“So what’s holding you back?”
“That’s just it. There’s nothing. Except . . .”
I didn’t reply, letting her find her words.
“The image of him with another woman pops into my head every time we get close,” she spat out, then recoiled.
“What kind of fucked up mess is that? When I’m with him, and we’re getting close, I’m imagining him with another woman. And not in the sexy way, but in the . . .”
“What way, Evie?” I didn’t need the answer, but she needed to say it.
“In the she’s a whole woman kind of way. In the I’m not good enough anymore kind of way.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I thought I’d gotten over this.”
“Oh, Evie,” I said, leaning forward and grabbing her ankle in my hand. “You must know that’s ridiculous. Not that you feel it, but that he would ever want someone else. I’ve never seen a man so engrossed in a woman.”
“I know! And I know he loves me. I mean, how could he not—I’ve got perfect fake boobs now.”
We both laughed.
“But I still feel less than. He’s seen me when I had no breasts, when I was riddled with cancer and never felt less like a whole person. I think that’s what plagues me, that he might still see me that way when we’re together.”
Suddenly, bright, fun, brave Evie wasn’t so different than me. She was fighting an internal battle of what being female meant. “Maybe don’t fight it. Maybe let the thoughts and images come, and maybe tell him the truth. Then see that he isn’t there with her—and never was in the way he is with you. You don’t need to chase her away—you need to see yourself the way you are. Strong and beautiful. Fierce.”
She nodded, deep in thought. “If the whole super thing doesn’t work out, you have a lot of promise as a headshrinker.”
I sat up straighter. “I’ll bill you.”
She smiled. “What about you? The dates are still duds?”
“I’m not meant to date, I think.”
“That’s stupid. How are you going to find a mate if you don’t date?”
“Evie. Not everyone is meant to have a mate.”
“True. But you’re not one of those people.”
“Because . . .” She paused to pick up a handful of popcorn, filling her mouth full while the TV played in the background. “I just know.”
I smiled with a shake of my head, wondering if Evie truly saw something I didn’t. “I’m glad I met you, Evie. I’m not sure where I’d be this summer if I hadn’t. I probably would have adopted forty-two cats, given up on showering, and slipped into a diet of HoHos and vodka in my studio apartment.”
She nodded and said, “That sounds about right.”
“You’re the first person I’ve ever met who’s accepted every part of me and stuck around. The first person to—”
“Love you?” she asked, her eyes welling with tears when I nodded. “That’s the saddest and most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
I laughed in an effort not to cry. “I love you, too, Evie.”
“And I can’t remember having so much fun with anyone.”
“Wow, okay,” I replied. “I’ve never been described as fun, even before the powers.”
“Well, maybe you just hadn’t found your pack.”
“Is that what we are?”
“Obviously. Me and Yash. You and Aiden. They are besties; we are besties.”
“Wait. Me and Aiden?”
“Oh come on, Birdie—I’m not blind. There’s something there.”
“Yeah, a pissing contest,” I insisted.
She beamed, her face full of mischief. “It’s the best kind of foreplay.”
“No, no. No. There can’t be anything.” Was I trying to convince myself? “He doesn’t know about me.”
“Your abilities? So what? It’s not that big a deal.”
“It is,” I assured her. “It changes things.”
“So you admit something is going on, then?”
“We flirt,” I said dismissively.
“You can lie to yourself, but I know the truth. You like him. He likes you.”
I stuffed my mouth with a large handful of popcorn, a few kernels falling in my lap.
“I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you.”
“Like what?” I couldn’t resist asking.
“Like he wants to eat you alive.”
“Yes. I’m incredibly sexy,” I said, popcorn falling from my over-full mouth.
“Ha-ha. A sister knows these things,” she said, eyebrows wiggling.
I swallowed. “It’s just flirting,” I said. I knew it was turning into more for me, wanting it to be more for him—but I was terrified to voice it. “It would end,” I told her. “And when it did, I’d be all weird, and I don’t want to risk our friendship. Please, let’s drop it.”
She wanted to probe; it was clear by the look on her face. But the look on mine told her to drop it.
“Okay, Birdie. For now.”