IT WAS A PERFECT AUGUST afternoon. My skin had bronzed to a color not seen in all my thirty-one years. I didn’t have a care in the world as I dozed in and out of consciousness on a lazy Thursday afternoon, the waters of Lake Michigan lapping around me.
Evie had stormed inside Aiden’s cabin early that morning, with Yash hot on her tail. She’d rented a boat for the afternoon, and we were all going out because we didn’t have any checkouts that day and she was going to live it up. Aiden had kissed my neck, removing his arms that had me wrapped up as we lay in bed. He got up and stepped out of the room in his sweatpants to discuss plans with his sister, who was going on about a forecasted storm that never showed, leaving cheap last-minute boat rentals.
A few minutes later, Aiden had returned to where I’d waited in his bed and tossed me the tiniest black and white bikini I’d ever seen. I picked it up and laughed. “You can’t be serious.”
“Deadly.”
“I’m not wearing this.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s obscene—that’s why, you brute. Where did you even get it?”
“It’s not that bad. Besides, we’re going to be on a boat, and Yash is so gone over my sister, he’s not capable of appreciating anything else. It’s for my eyes only.”
“You see me naked. Right now, you can see me naked. I don’t think . . .”
Suddenly, the covers were pulled back, and I clamored for the sheet to cover myself.
Aiden prowled up the bed until he hovered above me. “Wear whatever you want. You are perfect in nothing and everything. But know this, Bernadette Bowden, greatest sex of my life.”
Wait, what?
“I know for a fact that you would rock that bikini. I’m getting light-headed just thinking about it. But that’s the last I’ll speak of it.” Then he kissed me hard and jumped up. “Get up, woman, we have boating to do!” he’d said, and walked out of the bedroom, my brain working overtime to unpack all his words.
That’s how I ended up on a sailboat in a tiny black bikini consisting of some thin white straps connecting the triangles.
I’d stripped off my cover-up thirty minutes into the trip while Aiden had smiled smugly behind the tiller. His gaze shared time between the open waters and me. A bit later, he finally found a perfect spot and dropped anchor. He climbed up to where I lounged and casually sat next to me, pretending he was unfazed. But I could feel the tension rolling off of him.
“Mr. Anders, to what do I owe this gracious visit?” I turned to expose my backside to the sun and Aiden’s eyes.
“Do you have sunscreen on?”
“I couldn’t reach my back,” I whined, pulling the tube of sunscreen out of my bag and handing it over.
“You’ll be the death of me,” he muttered as he began spreading it over my backside while I laid my face on my hands and smiled. A few minutes later, his hands disappeared, and I sat up at the sound and feel of water splashing. His head popped above the water several yards away, and now it was his turn to look like a wet dream.
He swam back to the boat and gave me a little splash. “Come on, beautiful. Let’s get you wet.”
I dove in, emerging in front of him, my legs easily keeping my head above water. We stared at each other, both treading water. Then I leaned back and let myself float, the water carrying me while I stared at the sky, feeling like maybe I could give up the open sky for this. I could just be Birdie, and it would be worth it.
AIDEN AND I RETURNED to the boat shortly after our dip, drying ourselves in the hot sun.
“We ran into Mr. Real Estate the other day,” Yash said as he and Evie sat curled together in the boat’s bench, “the guy Birdie went out with.”
“Oh? Did he ask about me?” It was one date, but I played along, wagging my brows as I lay on my belly, snacking on potato chips.
Aiden provided a light slap on my very exposed bottom.
Evie snickered, and Yash smiled and said, “He’s a very persuasive man. Knows his shit, too.”
“Right?” I laughed. “I hope you didn’t blow all your savings on an overpriced bungalow with a two-car garage, zoned heating, and a den that can also be used as a nursery.”
When no reply came, I turned to sit up, giving the conversation my full attention now. Upon seeing their grinning faces, I screamed, “You didn’t!”
Evie squealed as Yash shrugged. “Guilty.”
“So you’re settling here, then?” Aiden asked stoically.
“We are. It’s the perfect place. We’re good here, we love the town and the vet clinic. You guys are here.”
“Wow. Congrats!” I uttered, happy for my friend, ignoring the insinuation that Aiden and I were here indefinitely, something we hadn’t discussed, something I’d been avoiding.
“We’ll have more space now,” Evie said. “Aiden, you can rent out my cabin. And I’m officially giving my notice. Once the summer season is over, you’ll have to find a new cleaning crew.”
“What will you do?” he asked as he pulled on a T-shirt.
“I’ve got a few ideas I’m exploring.” She gave me a look, and I realized her plan included me returning to the life that seemed so far from who I was now.
“That’s very cool. I’m so happy for you,” I said, injecting all the cheer into my voice I could while pushing aside the knowledge that I was now keeping secrets from Evie as well. “Where is the house?”
Evie started in on the house’s best attributes, and I was hyperaware of the fact that the summer was coming to an end. I was losing Evie to her new life. My time with Aiden was closing in. I was due back in Chicago in a few weeks. I felt Aiden’s presence behind me, close enough to touch, but neither of us reached out. The plans of our friends made evident our lack of any kind of plans together.
“What about you guys?” Evie said, and it took a minute to realize that she went there, knowing exactly where we stood, in limbo.
Neither of us said a word. The silence was overwhelming. I forced myself to speak, regretting what came out.
“I’ll definitely come visit,” I said, implying I’d be in Chicago, despite it being the last place I wanted to be.
Evie’s face fell, but she forced a smile, the discussion not going the way she wanted.
I heard a grunt from behind me. “I also saw Mr. Park Bench in town a few weeks ago. He’s coming by to talk about a listing.”
I froze, unable to turn around.
“Really?” Evie said. “You’re selling? I thought maybe you’d stay.”
I heard nothing from him, imagining his head shaking in reply.
I stood and cleared my throat. “Celebratory swim?” I asked and held my hand out to Evie. Her eyes said she saw right through me, but she stood and followed me into the water.
We splashed around for a few minutes while the guys talked, and when we got back on the boat, Aiden pulled anchor. We sailed for a while longer, but unlike every time I’d been with Aiden since the first time, his eyes didn’t find me again. I found my cover-up, suddenly wishing I’d worn much more than this tiny little bikini.
Evie and Yash carried our things and what was left of lunch back to the car while Aiden tied off the boat and returned everything to its idle state. I stood on the dock, watching him as he ignored my presence.
“Suddenly I’m invisible,” I said, my hands stubbornly on my hips.
He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. “Do you have a question, Bowden?” His tone lacked all the warmth he usually held for me, and it felt like a slap in the face.
What did one do in this situation? It felt foreign and created a deep ache in my chest. So, I did what I knew. I walked away.
I heard footsteps behind me, and then felt his hand on my arm, slowing me and turning me to face him.
“Look at me,” he said. “What do you want, Bernadette?”
The question encompassed everything unsettled between us.
I want you to want me. I want you to fall for me the way I have completely fallen for you. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to know and love me anyway.
“Nothing,” I said, because what was there to say? It wasn’t fair for me to ask anything of him. I wasn’t even telling him the truth about who I was.
“Dammit, Bowden,” he muttered, dropping his hand from my arm. He was letting me go, and my heart fell. “You’re a terrible fucking liar.”
“ENOUGH SULKING.” Evie’s voice penetrated my hiding place beneath the covers in her guest room.
“I’m not sulking. Anyway, it’s your fault. What was that today? You knew exactly what you were doing.”
“Yes, I did. The two of you need to get your shit together. But mostly you.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled as I threw my head back into my pillow, hoping that was the end of this conversation.
The dip of the bed told me it wasn’t.
“No.”
I groaned.
“I need you to see something.”
“What?”
“Get your sad-sack face out of the pillow and look at it.”
“Ugh. You’re a jerk.” I sat up.
“No, you’re the jerk. You’re a jerk to my best friend who is amazing. You continue to tear her down, telling her she isn’t enough, or too much, or whatever. When the truth is she’s just her, and there is no such thing as too much or not enough. I’ve been told my whole life I’m too much, and I got cancer and let parts of me die. I’m getting those parts back now and I like me, and anyone who doesn’t can suck it, including me. So you, too, you can suck it.”
I laughed, and she joined in.
“You should not be a motivational speaker.”
“Whatever, you got it.”
“I did,” I assured her. “And you’re right. You are very right. Doctor Evans is right; Aiden is right. And I’ve been such a shit. I’ve been a shit for so damn long.”
“Because you were alone. You didn’t have me to tell you when you were being an ass.”
I smiled sadly, wishing it were that simple.
She placed her hand over mine and squeezed. “But you are not alone anymore, Birdie.”
My eyes filled with tears. “You are still too much. More than ever, I reckon.”
She beamed. “Thanks.”
Then she pulled her phone out and placed it in my hand. It was open to a webpage titled Where Is Our Bird?
“It’s had close to a hundred thousand hits. An endless list of comments in just a few weeks.”
I started reading through the comments. People were speculating where I had gone, wanting me back. It was line after line of people sharing their experiences of me, asking where I was, saying the city wasn’t the same without me. There were even sightings of me reported, too many to read—some real, most not.
“I’ve read most of it. It’s 90 percent positive, which is surprising for any kind of internet comments. The other 10 percent get great responses your foul brain would be proud of. Most are women, but there is a nice supply of supportive men as well. A lot of young women are wondering where their foul-mouthed hero went, the one who won’t take shit from douchebags on roofs. See, Birdie, they noticed you. And they notice your absence.”
Evie put the phone down and leaned forward. She got into my space and made an intense level of eye contact that made me want to turn away.
“You are valuable. You are seen.”
I looked at the phone again, scrolling through the statements and calls for my return. Maybe for the first time, I felt a little bit seen by the city I thought had completely forgotten me.
“It’s not getting much mainstream press, but the press is a joke nowadays anyway. What matters is what the city is saying, and they want you back. Your boss can’t ignore that forever.”
It was everything I wanted that I didn’t want to admit. I wanted to be their Bird. I wanted to clear icicles from skyscrapers in the winter before they fell. I wanted to lift fallen trees from metro tracks after storms. And most of all, I wanted to save lives on the rare occasion I was afforded the opportunity. I wanted to work with Jimmy, let him teach me how to connect to the whole city while I taught him to better hone his abilities. I wanted to show girls that there was power in being physically strong. There was greatness in being one of a kind.
I wanted my job back. Somewhere between the obligation and anger, I still loved my work. I’d always said I didn’t want accolades, but seeing my city missing me, wondering where I was, giving even a little bit of a shit . . . it was enough.
“Birdie, you have to tell him. This has gone on long enough. You’re making it worse the longer you wait.”
“I know.” There it was, the first step in getting it all squared, in getting back to myself. But it was also going to be the most difficult because I wasn’t ready to let him go. “I’m so in love with him, Evie.”
“I know,” she said, placing her hand on mine. “It’s clear as day.”
“He’s going to be mad.”
“Maybe.”
“He’ll end things.”
“Maybe. But Birdie, you have to give him the space to do it. You can’t make this decision for him. It’s not all about you. It’s time to be a grown-up,” she added with a motherly glare.
“Jesus. Asshole must run in the family,” I quipped, knowing she was right.
“Just tell him the truth.”
“Fine. Yes. I know. I’ll tell him.”
“Now.”
“Not now. I just . . . I need to think. Tomorrow. I’ll tell him tomorrow.”
She shook her head. “It’s your last ‘tomorrow.’ Otherwise, I’m telling him.”
“Jesus, Evie, I said I’d do it.”
She walked to the door and stopped. “You were my assignment, you know.”
“What?”
She played with her fingernails. “The day I met you, I had been to see Doctor Evans. I was nervous because I knew I’d let things get bad, stagnant. I wasn’t feeling my life. I was letting Aiden mother me; I wasn’t moving forward with Yash even though I missed him like crazy. I’d lost my spark. I’d needed to check in with her. Anyway, she told me to get a life. I wasn’t dying anymore, and I needed to stop acting like it.”
“Harsh.”
“It was what I needed. I was alone because I’d made it that way. I’d worked through so much with her, but for some reason, I’d gotten lazy with getting my life back. I didn’t want the same life as before, and I wasn’t sure how to get a new one. She gave me an assignment, kind of like your dating thing.” She paused, examining the fan blades that turned above us. “She said I needed to befriend one person before our next meeting. I could fail, but I needed to try. To trust someone and let someone in, a girlfriend.”
“That’s why you kidnapped me?”
She laughed. “I never would have approached you that day if I hadn’t been forced. You were so clearly broken, but you also exuded a strength and confidence I’d never seen before. You were so easily you. Intimidating a little. And I wanted that in my life. I wanted you to be my friend because you were strong, and I don’t mean physically. You are the strongest person I know. You know exactly who you are, but you won’t tell anyone because you’re afraid.”
“Evie, I—”
“You changed my life. You don’t know it because you didn’t see me before, but everything changed for me that day. You’re the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time.” She finished with moisture brimming her eyes.
“Evie, I don’t know what to say.”
“I love you, Birdie. I’m not going anywhere. If this friendship dies when you go back to Chicago, it will be because of you. And if it does, and then you need me back in the days or months or years from now, I’ll still be here, because you are the best friend I’ve ever had, no matter what happens with Aiden. I need you to know that.”
I stood and hugged her. “Shit, Eves. I love you too.” It was the first time I’d said the words in so long, and the first time I ever heard them spoken to me with sincerity. And I felt a little bit more like I was ready to face the future, whatever it was.
AS MUCH AS I TRIED to ignore it, the guilt of my secret ate at me every time I thought of Aiden. My mood matched the storms that had arrived after a day of warmth and blue skies. The thunder and wind came up, keeping everyone inside, peeking through the windows for a glimpse of the night sky lighting up.
Evie and I had gathered the things in from outside while Aiden and Yash secured the outdoor furniture. But I didn’t talk to Aiden again that day, and he hadn’t seemed interested in talking to me.
Every one of our experiences now seemed tainted with what if he’d known? None of this would have happened. We never would have been together. I went from feeling guilty to being on the verge of tears to feeling angry at Aiden for not having wanted me if he’d known the truth about me.
I might have been losing my mind.
One moment I was ready to come clean . . . the next I couldn’t find the strength.
It was my fault that Evie was keeping a secret from her brother. I didn’t want to put a wedge between them now or later. I lay in Evie’s spare bed, feeling it better to give Aiden some space. I was going over and over our future conversation at the same time I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from him since I’d stormed off.
Maybe it was already over. I was so lost, wondering how to act in this relationship; this non-dating, friends with benefits, maybe dating, but only temporary, world.
“FUUUCK.” I groaned in the dark.
“I was just going to sneak in to say goodnight, but if you want to, I’m happy to oblige.”
I shot up to see Aiden peeking through my door.
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself. What’s with the nighttime cursing?”
He came closer, sitting at my bedside as I switched the lamp on, casting a soft glow across the room. Now that he was here, I felt myself breathe deeply for the first time that day. He was looking at me the way I craved, like he cared what happened inside my nutty brain.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“You were thinking about my mouth, weren’t you?”
I laughed. “You are seriously an egomaniac. You need help.”
“I think I just need a kiss goodnight. I think maybe you need the same thing.”
“Maybe. I’m sorry about today.”
“Me too.” He grabbed my hand. “I wanted something from the situation. I didn’t get it, and I reacted poorly. It won’t happen again.”
“Me too.” I wanted to ask him to stay, but I didn’t want to push my luck, didn’t want to risk him saying no. “Are you really selling?”
He shrugged and said, “That depends.”
“On what?”
“On you, dummy.”
My head fell forward, and I struggled with how to respond. I could tell him. Now was the perfect time, right? But I hadn’t worked out the best words yet.
“I don’t want you to make any decisions based on me.”
He looked away from me, shaking his head. For a second, I thought he was going to leave. But then he turned back, like his mind was made up. “Please, just say it.”
“Say what?” I was such a coward.
He pressed his lips into a tight line. “Whatever it is you’re keeping from me. We can manage it. But we can’t continue like this.”
“I—I can’t say it. Not yet.”
He sighed, his frustration clear.
“We’ll talk tomorrow,” I assured him.
He nodded and stood up, poised to walk away. I reached for his arm. “You’re leaving?”
It was the first night we would spend apart in weeks, and I realized that my last morning waking up in Aiden’s embrace was behind me. I dropped my grip. “I understand.”
Aiden sagged as he watched me. I laid the pout on pretty thick. He groaned as he returned to my bed. He placed a kiss on my nose, and my chest fluttered like a schoolgirl’s.
“God, you’re beautiful and infuriating,” he said just before his lips found mine, and it went from schoolgirl to dirty teacher in an instant. He licked my tongue and pulled me closer until I was straddling his lap without realizing I’d moved. He gripped my ass as we mauled each other’s mouths, and when I pressed against him, he growled like a bear. Eventually, he set me back on the bed and moved away. I mewed, and he smiled.
“I’ve been thinking about you naked since I saw you in that bikini.”
“What a coincidence,” I admitted. The truth was, Aiden Anders consumed way too much of my thought processes on a daily basis. I found myself watching him cook, watching him create beautiful pieces of furniture. I thought about him when we weren’t together and when we were. I wanted in on every thought he had. I wanted to know everything about his past, be part of his future. I wanted to know all the strange things that passed through his head that so many people never voiced. I wanted him just as he was, always. I wanted all of him.
Aiden leaned over, gently kissing my lips. “Goodnight, Bernadette.”
“Please stay,” I begged, and he eventually relented, removing his shirt in a swift pull, followed by his shorts. He slid in next to me in just his boxers, pulling me into his chest without a word. He was asleep minutes later, and I was left to wonder if this was the last time I’d fall asleep in Aiden’s arms.