‘They made me wear a goddam tie,’ Felix said.
He stood in his back garden. A barbecue smoked away in the corner. Balloons hung from string draped between two trees. Plastic tablecloths, crêpe paper decor, a home-made banner tacked to the back of the house.
HAPPY SWEET EIGHTEEN FELIX.
‘Sweet eighteen? There’s no such goddam thing.’
Mae stood there and held a small gift in her hand.
He snatched it from her. ‘I see you went all out this year. Is it wrapped in tin foil?’
She grabbed a beer from a paddling pool filled with ice cubes and popped the cap with her teeth.
‘Cufflinks?’
Mae nodded. ‘What do you get for the boy who’ll be dead in a month?’
‘Anything but cufflinks, I’d imagine. You know I don’t actually own a proper shirt.’ He studied the cufflinks carefully. ‘I’m sure I’ve seen Mr Silver wearing these exact ones.’
‘A popular choice in these parts.’ She avoided his eye, instead focusing on the colourful piñata hanging from the oak at the bottom of the garden.
‘Please don’t tell me you stole these from the head teacher?’
Mae shrugged. ‘I’ve spent a lot of time in his office lately.’
A cluster of elderly women emerged through the side gate and charged at Felix.
Mae took a step backwards and watched as Felix’s great-aunts smothered him with lipstick kisses while he scowled from the centre of them.
The cluster drifted towards the food as Felix pawed the prints from his face.
‘Happy birthday, Felix.’
Mae turned to see Sail, who held out a gift, expertly wrapped.
Felix hugged him, taking Sail by surprise.
‘He’s had a glass of Jesus’s blood,’ Mae said.
Felix unwrapped the present. ‘A sleep mask. Très amusant.’
They took their plates to the bottom of the garden and sat side by side on the grass. Behind, the sounds of music and laughter drifted through the warm summer air.
‘I heard my mother on the phone,’ Felix said. ‘She told the family there’s to be no mention of Selena today.’
There were games set out on the grass. Mae saw Stella playing chess with Felix’s grandfather, the old man grinning as Stella manoeuvred each piece carefully, locked in straight-faced concentration. The girl played to win.
‘You ever have a day where you forget?’ Felix said, watching Stella.
‘Some days I wake up and it’s normal, for a few seconds. And then I remember. But those seconds …’ Sail said.
Felix raised his beer.
Mae nodded. ‘I had it before … you know?’
He nodded. He always knew. Mae didn’t speak of her parents and Felix didn’t ask. He’d come to the funeral, sat alone at the back and didn’t speak to her the whole day.
‘My father hasn’t said it. Happy birthday, he hasn’t said it. You ever wonder when that point is, when you stop being a kid and turn into a … I don’t want to say an adult. When I was a kid he’d say it, he’d see me and …’ He swallowed, then loosened his tie. ‘My Auntie Nia is drunk.’
They looked over and saw a big lady dancing alone, holding a hot dog and staring longingly at it.
‘Her husband’s a leaver, didn’t take her with him. She prays for him every Sunday at church. I know we don’t talk about it, especially not today, but you ever think about all the things we’ll miss out on?’
Mae smiled into her bottle. ‘Never.’
Felix laughed and clinked her glass. ‘The fantastic Forevers, too strong for all this self-reflection bullshit.’
‘I can finish that off for you,’ Mae said, looking down at Felix’s wrist.
‘You know what, I’m still trying to figure out exactly who I am, Mae.’
‘You’re brilliant as you are,’ Sail said.
Felix smiled. ‘You want to tell my father that?’ He stood, offered Mae and Sail a hand each and pulled them to their feet. Together they walked slowly back.
‘You know all these kids?’
‘The Reverend invited the Sacreds,’ Felix said. ‘Let’s hope this party doesn’t get too wild.’
Sally Sweeny sat at a picnic table. In front of her was a mountain of food. Burgers, hotdogs, steak, pork chops. She ate like she was possessed.
‘I remember the old Sally,’ Felix said.
‘What was she like?’ Sail said.
‘Like Hunter, like Lexi. Like all the rest.’
‘Candice,’ Mae said.
Felix shook his head. ‘Candice isn’t like those girls, she’s got a mind of her own.’
‘No, I meant Candice Harper is standing over there.’
‘Bullshit, why the –’ He stopped mid-sentence when he saw her, deep in conversation with Mrs Harries from the church. ‘Jesus Christ.’
‘I thought you didn’t believe?’
‘I’d convert for her. Is she my present or something?’
‘Go and talk to her,’ Sail said.
Felix nodded, then began to pace. He pulled at his collar, then loosened the tie and slowly began to hyperventilate. ‘I can’t go over. She likes a bad boy. What do I say? I’m normally the master of this shit. Remember that time I asked Sasha James to the cinema, and she was two years older. Smoking, Sail. This girl was, like …’
‘And you took her out?’ Sail said, impressed.
‘He actually told her he had free tickets. She thanked him and went with Hugo Prince,’ Mae said.
‘I’m going over,’ Felix said.
‘Do it,’ Sail said.
‘What do I –’
‘Thank her for coming. Then ask if she wants a drink,’ Mae said.
‘Perfect,’ Sail said.
Felix took a shot of sherry from a nearby glass. Mae raised a hand in apology to the old lady who glared at them.
‘Thank her for coming, ask if she wants a drink,’ Felix repeated under his breath.
Sail and Mae followed behind.
Felix approached, took a deep breath and smiled at Candice.
Candice smiled back, so dazzling even Mae felt her stomach flip for him.
‘Hi,’ Felix said, his voice shaking. ‘Thanks for drinking. Would you like to come?’
Candice stared at him, suitably horrified.
‘Jesus,’ Mae said, under her breath.
Felix looked at Sail, tears forming in his eyes. Sail led him away, back into the group of aunts. ‘He’s drunk,’ Sail called, over his shoulder.
Mae caught up with them. ‘That was awesome.’
‘This might just be the worst day of my life.’
And then the Reverend opened the patio doors and shepherded Sally towards the old piano in the lounge.
‘Sally and Theodore are going to perform something for us.’
‘Yeah,’ Felix said. ‘Worst day of my life.’
‘Drink through it,’ Mae said, stealing another glass of wine.
Theodore channelled Ben E. King.
Sally stopped eating, Auntie Nia stopped dancing and Felix forgot about what he’d just said to the hottest girl in school.
Mae felt someone brush against her, looked down and saw Stella entranced by the boy with the beautiful voice.
Jeet Patel sat on the grass in front of them, looking up at Theodore with something like wonder in his eyes.
As late afternoon drifted to early evening, Mae drank more beer, found herself alone at the end of the long garden and lit a cigarette.
‘Hey,’ Mae said. She offered Sally a cigarette as she approached.
‘No, thanks. I’m on a health kick.’ Sweat blistered from every pore, a chocolate stain sank into the front of her jeans.
Mae glanced down at Sally’s hands, the knuckles buried. Her red hair was wild. ‘A couple of girls in my English class wrote Forever on their wrists in biro. You see it?’
Mae shook her head.
Sally kept her eyes down. ‘Abi talked about you. Sometimes after practice we’d sit around in the chapel. Jeet’s dad has a wine cellar so he’d take a bottle now and then and we’d share it.’
Mae smiled.
‘I mean, his dad gave it. Not like he’d steal.’
Mae looked over at Jeet, who was busy helping Mrs Baxter clear the plates and glasses away.
‘I’d had a shitty day. I hate PE, right,’ Sally said, looking down at her body. ‘Those shorts … with these legs. When I was in the shower Lexi stole my clothes. The crap they’ve got in lost property.’ Sally laughed but Mae could see the hurt. ‘I had to walk home in this skirt, might as well have been a belt. Lexi, she filmed it all, put it online, racked up the hits.’
‘They’ll die like this,’ Mae said. ‘It’s like … most people get to look back at the way they were and know they were dicks at some point. But … this is it, Sally. For them, this is it.’
‘You and Abi, if half that stuff was true then you’re all we’ve got now. All I’ve got. The Forevers. What if you look like I do – can you still join?’
‘The Forevers was a thing, but a long time ago. And I know people are talking about it, and looking to me, but I –’
‘But you meant it. About everyone having a place? About having someone you can call, no matter what you’ve said, what you’ve done? No judgement?’
Mae breathed smoke deep. ‘We meant it.’
‘And if shit happens, you’ve got my back, Mae?’
‘Sure, Sally.’
‘I mean it. If I need you …’
‘And if I need you?’ Mae said.
‘You want me to mess up Hunter Silver? I’ll eat her for breakfast. And then I’ll go back and eat her breakfast. Probably some soya-milk bullshit but I’ll swallow it down for you.’
Mae smiled.
Sally dabbed the sweat from her face. ‘Abi died alone. I just … I don’t want to be like her. You’ve opened the door to all of us creeps and weirdos.’
‘You think about dying?’
‘There’s a science to it. Ten and a half cups of sugar in one sitting can end the life of an average man. Me, I’d need closer to thirteen. Nutmeg. That can do it in five teaspoons. A skinny thing like you, maybe less.’
‘You’re trying to eat yourself to death, Sally?’
‘Everyone looks at me and sees a giant question mark. My mum’s friends, I hear them, they talk about me and say, Such a shame what happened to Sally. They preferred me when I hitched my skirt up and dyed my hair and existed in my ditzy look-how-endearingly-dumb-I-am bubble.’
‘So you did it to break away?’
‘Abi Manton. I looked at her and it was like seeing the girl I used to be. Everything I’m not now.’
Mae heard a trace of resentment in her voice. ‘Why did you fight?’
‘Abi came back from a meeting with Mr Silver. I guess it was about her grades slipping because she looked so sad. And then we played. “The Swan”. It’s too beautiful, you know?’
Mae had heard them play it before.
‘She played it too fast. I told her she didn’t take it seriously, that she didn’t care enough. Girls like Hunter and her group, they don’t know how easy their world is. They don’t need to try. Abi just lost it, she screamed and swore and stormed out.’
The heat rose another notch and thickened the air between them.
Sally watched the sky. ‘I thought it would be nuclear war, or climate change, maybe some kind of pandemic. But this, no erosion, no survival of the fittest, just erasing us all … it’s so beautiful. And so goddam final. I can do it, Mae. And it won’t mean shit.’
‘Do what?’
‘I can do the most awful things I’ve dreamed about.’
Mae looked at her. ‘I’m not sure what you mean.’
They heard a noise, turned and saw Mrs Baxter with a relic of a video camera mounted on her shoulder as she handed Felix a small bat.
Felix shot Mae a desperate look, and then he glanced at Candice and hung his head in sad resignation as a great-aunt tied a blindfold around his head and gave him a nudge.
‘This is the best party I’ve ever been to,’ Sail said.
No one was prepared for the ferocity with which Felix attacked the piñata.
He dropped the bat, ripped the thing from its cord and landed heavily on top of it. And then the punches rained down, till a neighbour girl began to cry.
Maybe it was the frustration of turning eighteen and knowing death was already at the door, maybe it was the fact that the only piñata Mrs Baxter had been able to get was a pink unicorn.
As Felix tried for a headbutt Sail gently pulled him from the pieces. ‘It’s over now.’
Mae applauded furiously.
Jeet Patel pushed past them, carrying the cake. ‘Can I get you guys a slice?’
Sally took the whole thing from him and retreated towards the shed.
Things got worse when a circle formed around Felix as his mother handed Mae the video camera and asked her to capture the magic of Felix opening gifts.
‘This one’s from Mrs Fairbanks,’ the Reverend said, handing Felix a small parcel.
Mae recognised Mrs Fairbanks from church. Late eighties, blue rinse.
Felix unwrapped the small leather journal, then flipped it open and sighed heavily. ‘It’s a five-year diary.’ Mae zoomed in close as he shook his head, then looked directly at Mrs Fairbanks. ‘Is this some kind of sick joke? What the hell is wrong with you?’
Auntie Nia led Mrs Fairbanks away to console her.
‘Can I stop filming now? I’m losing sensation in my shoulder,’ Mae said.
There were calls for Felix to make a speech.
He stood at the front and said a brief thank you. And then his father stood beside him.
‘I wondered if you wanted to lead us in prayer?’ the Reverend said, no smile.
His family implored, Mae could feel the energy directed at Felix. She wondered if it wouldn’t have been easier just to go with it, never would a lie have been so white.
Felix gently shook his head, and then his father turned his back and went back over to the barbecue.
‘Are you ready for our gift, son?’ Mrs Baxter said.
Felix was about to quit when they heard it.
The sound of a car horn rang out a dozen times.
Felix’s mouth dropped open. ‘You didn’t. You’ve bought me a Benz.’
Mrs Baxter grinned as Felix jumped to his feet and ran around to the front of the house. Mae and Sail followed along with everyone else.
The car.
Small.
Rusting.
Orange.
The Fiat Panda smoked as one of Felix’s cousins gunned the engine and pulled to a stop on the driveway.
‘What the hell have you done?’ Felix whispered, his face fraught with horror.
‘Check the number plate,’ Mae said, zoomed in close, then quickly back to Felix’s face.
K1TT3N
‘Came with the car,’ Mrs Baxter said, a trace of pride creeping into her voice. ‘Your father drives a hard bargain.’
Felix swallowed.
‘Oh, son,’ Mrs Baxter said, as the first tear escaped from Felix’s eye. ‘He’s too choked up to speak.’
‘Kitten,’ was all Felix could manage.