He lay in the bed, a line running into his arm.
Beside were other people with other problems. She heard the steady beep of a dozen machines, helping to make sure they stayed alive for the coming days.
Sail opened his eyes.
‘Every day you dress for Alice’s funeral.’
He shook his head. ‘I dress for mine.’
She sat on the end of the bed, reached up, his hand felt cold in hers. Everyone around them slept. A nurse sat at her station, a dim lamp beside her as she looked over paperwork.
‘How many times have you done this before?’ she said.
‘Too many. Not enough.’
‘It’s not fair.’
‘There is no fair, Mae. The attribution of dues. There’s no equality, no proportionality. No accrued merit. There’s the things we do and the things we don’t do. There are no mistakes or regrets. There isn’t time for them.’ He looked towards the window, his head on the pillow. ‘You’ve saved my life twice.’
She nodded.
‘I would be dead if you hadn’t broken into my house.’
‘How’s that for cosmic forces?’
He smiled and she felt her heart beat in her ears.
Felix waited for her. Together they walked outside, the Mercedes right where she left it.
She opened the door and got into the driver’s seat.
‘You drive now?’ Felix said.
‘Ish.’
‘Can I do that thing where I jump over the door, cop style?’
‘Okay.’
He caught his trailing foot and landed upside down. Righted himself and slipped his belt on. ‘Stolen?’
‘Borrowed.’
They drove from the city. Sail would discharge himself in the morning. His mother would send a car, and they’d go on like it hadn’t happened.
‘You didn’t have to wait,’ she said.
‘Hot nurses. Armageddon. You think they’d be desperate for –’
‘And?’
‘I’m starting to think porn has been lying to me all these years.’
She dropped him home, ran out of petrol at the top of Ocean Drive so abandoned the Mercedes at the side of the road.
Mae was about to head home when she heard music floating from the church.
She walked up the path and found him at the front.
He sang from the bench, the music accompanied him from the large speakers the Reverend used to project to the masses each Sunday.
She listened, so heavenly she cried for the second time that day. There was no anger at Sail and his mother, her parents for leaving her, Selena for coming. Instead Mae heard what everyone else did when Theodore Sandford sang.
‘What does “Ave Maria” mean,’ she said.
‘A prayer to the Virgin Mary.’
She sat on the bench beside him. Theodore wore his finest shirt, she saw the customary blood on his knees.
‘I know you lied,’ Mae said, her words echoed around the church.
Theodore did not look at her, just breathed, like he’d been waiting.
‘Sullivan Reed. Sergeant Walters is sure, and it fits, you know?’
He swallowed.
‘He doesn’t have an alibi for that night. When I asked you where you were, you said you were practising with Sally. Only Sally doesn’t go out at night. She watches movies with her mother. Sergeant Walters didn’t check?’
He said nothing, and then Mae got it.
Still the music played on loop, the piano of Sally Sweeny.
‘Man, it’s beautiful,’ Mae said. ‘I never got it. All these years when I came to church, I resented the waste of time, like it was my time. And then Selena, and now everyone comes. Everyone’s thinking there’s more. There has to be more, Theodore.’
‘There is.’
Mae didn’t breathe for the longest time. It was coming, whatever it was, she’d been waiting a long time for it. ‘Sally lied for you.’
‘If we confess our sins …’
‘What did you do, Theodore?’
‘Sullivan Reed didn’t kill Abi.’
Mae felt her shoulders drop.
‘He was with me.’
She read him, at last she understood why the angel of West prayed so hard, why he bloodied his knees and begged for atonement.
‘How does Abi fit?’
‘She caught us once. Her and Sally. After practice. You know there’s an office at the back of the school chapel. I was … undressed. And then we heard Hannah Lewis. Sullivan and Sally hid, and Abi … she took off her shirt.’
Mae thought of Abi, her brave Forever.
‘So Hannah came in and she saw Abi standing there in her bra. With me. And Hannah … It was halfway around the school after that.’
‘Abi kept your secret. And made life better for you.’
‘Yes,’ Theodore said. ‘And then I caught Liam talking about her, calling her a slut. So I bought her the ring, and I wore one, and no one called her that again. It was simple.’
‘She could’ve broken things off with you.’
‘The names, the rumours, it all stopped because of her. Even in a church town, you talk like I do, you sing in a choir. People aren’t tolerant.’
‘You’re not tolerant of yourself, Theodore.’
‘You don’t understand. People weren’t accepting before, Mae. And now Selena, we follow the rules so devoutly because this is it. My parents didn’t even like me seeing Abi till we wore the rings. Lust. There is no margin, it’s right and wrong.’
‘Love the sinner, hate the sin –’
‘Matilda and Betty, you know how they feel? Like they’re not welcome, because people are afraid they’ll burn by association. And Reverend Baxter, he can preach unity, but it means nothing to some of the people sitting before him. I’m not … I have no strength for this fight because it’s a no contest now. It’s over.’
‘Betty and Matilda, they do have a place now.’ She glanced up at the paintings, the history. ‘And Sullivan?’
‘He loves … We love each other.’
‘I saw the photos in his room.’
‘He loved Abi. He saw in her what you did. She stood up for us, gave us a place where we could be.’
She thought about that. There was a purity that couldn’t exist any more.
‘He should tell Sergeant Walters,’ Mae said. ‘He was with you that night.’
He cried then. Silently and painfully. ‘It would come out. Sullivan, he’s stronger than me. He doesn’t believe. He doesn’t know the fear.’ He closed his eyes, like it was all too much. ‘I’m scared.’
She reached over and took his hand. ‘Are you a good person, Theodore?’
‘I thought I was. I did.’
‘At the end of this, that’s all that matters. It’s all you should be judged on. And any god that doesn’t see that isn’t our god.’
‘Our god?’
‘We’ve got you, Theodore. You don’t need to be afraid. Abi said it herself. We are an army of each other.’
He didn’t turn his back on God, she didn’t want him to. ‘When you’re ready, come and find me. Take back your Forever.’