I had forgotten that Monday was a holiday, Memorial Day. Evidentially, so did the C/O. I had to spend an extra day locked up and in the hole. I was so glad to see Tuesday roll around. I found out from my case manager that I was going before Judge Hilliard, the same judge that I had went before every other time. Imagine that.
"All rise, the honorable Judge Hilliard presiding," the bailiff said.
I rolled my eyes into my head and stood up. Both my hands and feet were shackled. Once the judge let his presence be known, we all took a seat. I sat and listened as he chewed up and spit out the other individuals who went before me. I already knew when it was my turn, he was gon' do me the same. My case was the last one to be heard.
"State of Ohio versus Hayden Parker. Case number 09023-02," the bailiff called out.
I slowly stood up with a smug look on my face. I knew he was about to throw the book at me, but I didn't care. So much had already been done to me in my life.
"Well, well, well, look who we have here; Miss Hayden Parker," the judge smirked. "I knew you couldn't stay out of trouble. That's why I let you out early, 'cause I knew you'd be back." The judge let out the most irritating laugh.
I was so pissed off; I could have spit in his face. I watched as my mother hurried through the courtroom doors and took a seat in the back. I was glad to see her because for a minute I thought she had forgotten that I even existed.
"What do you have to say for yourself?" Judge Hilliard asked me.
"Nothing," I replied, nonchalantly, which pissed him off as well.
"You know you are being charged with attempted murder?” the judge asked.
I ignored his comment as my eyes nearly bucked out of my head when I saw John walk through the courtroom doors with his neck bandaged. He looked around for my mother. My heart pounded with anxiety as I watched her wave him over to her.
"No, your honor," I answered as my heart broke into a million tiny pieces. How could she still be messing with him? I cried on the inside. Surely the police had to have told her what I told them. Even though they might not have believed me, I wanted badly for my own mother to.
"Is your victim in the courtroom?" the judge asked me.
I slowly shook my head. "I can't hear your head shaking," he replied snottily.
"Yes," I said with an attitude.
"What do you hafta say for yourself? Don't you feel any remorse for the poor gentleman you stabbed?" he asked me. "Don't you know you could have killed Mr. Davison," he continued. "But you don't care, do you? What would possess a person to do such a thing?" The judge was disgusted with me and my actions, but again, I didn't care.
I looked around the courtroom and instantly got sick to my stomach. Feeling alone and betrayed by the one person who I thought would always have my back, I did what I thought was right, if not for myself, for others. Besides, what did I have to lose? It was clear that my mother would always choose John over me no matter what.
"Your honor,” I started, “Mr. John Davison was trying to rape me, that's why I stabbed him in the neck." It took a lot of courage, but I found the strength and said it.
I could hear gasping sounds throughout the courtroom. I was too afraid to look at my mother and see the look on her face.
"Could you repeat that?" the judge asked me.
"Mr. John Davison tried to rape me; that's why I stabbed him.” Tears welled in my eyes as I spoke. "He started molesting me when I was eight," I balked, but found enough strength from somewhere to go on. "It lasted up until you sentenced me to do jail time. Those were the best years of my life because I didn't hafta worry about John forcing himself on me."
John stood up from his seat and began shouting. "Your honor, she's lying. I would never do anything like that," he protested. "She's crazy!"
"Order in the court," Judge Hilliard yelled while pounding his gavel. The bailiff walked over and calmed John down. Judge Hilliard cleared his throat before speaking. "Young lady, these accusations you have made are serious, do you understand?"
“Why didn’t anyone question why he was found in my room, with his underwear off?” I asked, wanting anyone to answer, preferably my mother. “Do the police really think I’d go through all that trouble to stage the scene?” There was no response. It was like the judge ignored my reasoning because he continued talking.
“Ms. Parker, did you hear what I said about these accusations being serious?”
Feeling like no one was on my side but me, I slowly nodded my head as I finally gathered enough nerve to look over at my mother. I could see the hurt and devastation embedded all over her face. I wanted to run over, wrap my arms around her, and comfort her. Ironically, though, I wanted her to do the same thing to me.
"This case is continued and court is adjourned until we investigate this matter further." A public defender was appointed to me before the bailiff came over to escort me back to my cell.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I watched my mother exit the courtroom arm in arm with John, the so-called victim in this case. It tore me up on the inside to see her cry. She got to the double courtroom doors, looked back at me, and left out the door. Why did I feel as though that was the end of our already strained relationship?”
It had been over a month since I’d seen my mother in the courtroom. No letters, no visits, no nothing from her. My mind, body, and soul were all weary from trying to figure out why my own mother would disown me, especially at a time when I needed her most. I fought with myself over and over, wondering if I had done the right thing by telling on John. I thought stuff like this only happened on them Lifetime movies; I guess I was wrong.
As I lay on my bunk reading the hot new Joint, In My Girls I Trust, I heard the C/O call out my favorite two words.
"Mail call," the C/O yelled.
I don't know why I got excited when I heard mail call, because nobody ever wrote me. I guess I was just wishful at times.
"Parker, mail," the C/O said and slid a letter under my door.
I sat up on my bed and stared at the envelope for a brief second, thinking the C/O musta' made a mistake and slid the letter under the wrong door. I took my chances and walked over to get the letter off the floor. Even though there was no return address, I recognized my mother's handwriting. I quickly opened the envelope and began reading. My mind was put at ease as I read the letter that was addressed to me.
Dear Hayden,
I'm sorry it took me so long to write. I'm not going to beat around the bush with you. You will be an adult in a couple of months, so it's time for me to start treating you like one. What you said in court about John devastated me and had me in complete disbelief. I didn't know whether to believe you or not, because I know how you feel about him. John begged me to believe that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you, because he loves you like his blood runs through you. He had me convinced that you were lying on him until I sat back and evaluated your life.
I raised you to be a lady, but you showed me otherwise when you kept getting into trouble. I raised you to do your best in everything, but you chose to do otherwise when your grades went from A's to F's. I raised you to be respectful, but you chose a different route by being disobedient and defiant. But one thing I didn't do was raise you to be a liar, and that's why I now believe what you said about John
It kills me because I wasn't there to protect you from harm’s way. It hurts me to know that I failed you as a mother, and I know you resent me for it. But, baby, I gotta get my own life in order first before I can even attempt to help you get yours together. Please be patient with me. With God's help we can get through this.
Love, your mother
Tears of joy raced down my cheeks as I held the letter close to my heart. I could hardly wait to write my mother back to tell her that I didn’t blame her for anything. I wanted her to know that it was all John's fault.
For the next few weeks my mother and I wrote back and forth. She even came to visit me. She asked me how I would feel about moving to Kansas to start a new life. I don't know why she chose Tornado Alley, but anything other than Mansfield Ohio would do. I thought it was a good idea to get away from everything and everybody. My mother ran it by Judge Hilliard, and he also thought it would be in my best interest to leave Ohio. He told my mother that if we did leave Ohio, that he would dismiss my case only if I promised to stay out of trouble. He also made me promise not to come back. I didn’t know if he meant to court or back to Ohio period. The latter didn’t concern me any. Never coming back to Ohio was fine with me because there was nothing there but penitentiaries and bad memories, so the decision of never coming back didn’t bother me one bit.
Everything was falling into place. My mother put in for a transfer to the hospital in Kansas and was accepted. She put a For Sale sign in the front yard. All we had left to do was contact a realtor to find us a house in Kansas.
I was released from juvie and the tables had been turned because after reviewing my accusations further, John had been picked up and charged with GSI (Gross Sexual Imposition) and seven counts of rape, one for each year he molested me, one count of attempted rape and intimidation of a minor. He was sentenced to fourteen years in prison. I was happy for myself, but sad for my mother because I know deep down, she still had love for this man, despite what he'd done to me.
I couldn’t be mad at her though, because one thing I learned is that a person can't control someone else’s feelings. I just knew one thing; if she did decide to get back with John, she would have to wait fourteen years to do so.