Although I prayed and prayed about my predicament, things never seemed to get any better. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up in this situation, and it killed me. It had me so stressed that I had broke out with a nerve rash and couldn’t sleep. I felt horrible for what I had to bring myself to do. As it turns out, the track is exactly where I had to go, and sooner than my neighbor thought. It was just a few days later, after the spaghetti was popped out of us. Jo Jo had a headache and Tricie was whining about her stomach hurting. My babies were hungry. I chalked off not having had a single crumb in the last twenty-four hours as fasting. But my kids were just plain ol’ hungry.
“Drink some water,” I snapped out of exasperation while pacing back and forth in the kitchen. All I had was some dirty cooking oil. Nothing to give them. What did they want from me? Then I wanted to punch my own self. That wasn’t right. It wasn’t my kids’ fault I didn’t have food. So I took a deep breath and pulled out a pair of tight jeans, a flattering top and some heels. I put on a little lipstick and mascara, styled my hair, and told the kids, “I’ll be back. Y’all stay put.”
I walked out there, into the street and made my way to the track. I was honked at every step of the way. The entire time walking there, and even when I first decided to do this in the first place, I’d think of other options, but the devil was always there to shoot them down and convince me that that track was my only choice. I thought about going out and getting a job at a fast food place or something, but then the devil was right there to tell me that my kids would die of starvation by the time I got a paycheck. He also told me that if I did get a nine to five, the government assistance would end and there was no way I’d be able to live off minimum wage. By the time the devil and I finished our back and forth, I was convinced that the Track was my only option.
All up and down the street were young girls. How in the world was I gonna get someone to pay attention to me enough to make a couple dollars to feed my kids when I was competing with teenagers?
I stood against a wall and watched as cars pulled up. My heart was pounding rapidly, and I prayed no one I knew would see me out here. At least three times I had contemplated going home. Then I thought about my kids. I wiped my tear-soaked face, trying to keep my lipstick in tact. The men that passed by mostly gravitated to girls who looked only a little older than my little Jo Jo. I wanted to cry, not just ’cause I had lowered myself to this and was out there, but because the other girls were so young. Since my husband had been a ghost there was no way I could confront him. And if I did? What difference would it make? It’s not like he could or would do something about the fact that our kids had no food. He would probably just slap the mess out of me for even questioning him even though he was wrong.
“Aye, baby. Redbone, you wit it?”
My head snapped to the man trying to drive while, at the same time, leaning out the passenger side of his car and barking at me.
Initially my feet froze, and I was asking myself what the heck I called myself doing out there. I was about to have full blown intercourse with a man. I’d never done that with anybody except my husband. There was no way I could bring myself to sleep with another man. How could I look in the mirror again? How could I step foot in a church again? What if he was a married man? What if he gave me something? No. I couldn’t do this. I tossed a hand at him and turned to walk away.
“Come on, baby. I’m nice.”
I shook my head with my back still turned. That’s when Jo Jo and Tricie flashed before me. I was their mother, and despite how much I didn’t want to do this, I had to feed them. It was my fault, not their fault that we were in this situation anyway. I could easily place all of the blame on their sorry father. But then I was just as sorry for picking him to be their father. God would have to forgive me for this; He would have to.
Despite telling myself this, my shoulders shook and a couple sobs escaped me. Never in a million years would I have thought that Joshua and I would be to this point. Dear Lord, again I ask you, what have I got myself into? I took a deep breath, wiped the tears away quickly, put on a tight smile and turned to face the man.
There he sat waiting for me with a wicked, hungry grin on his face. I approached the car.
“Hey, baby.” He licked his lips at me. “How much?”
I had no set price. I didn’t know what was too much or not enough for my worth. “Ahh, what do you want?”
“Do you go down?”
I almost gagged at the thought of doing something so intimate with a stranger. I had no idea at the time this would become a regular act I’d have to perform on my landlord to keep from getting evicted. So I hesitated.
“Well, do you?”
Slowly, I nodded.
“Well, come on and get in.”
I forced my feet to lift off the pavement and took steps towards the car. Once there, I opened the passenger door and sat inside. Once I was in and comfortable, he proceeded to drive away. We ended up in a dark, deserted alley.
“I don’t play no games, baby. Here is the money upfront.” He handed me a fifty.
I stared down at the fifty-dollar bill in my hand, still debating giving it back to him and getting out of his car, even though I knew I had to do this. I felt so stuck and so utterly conflicted. I shoved it in my bra with shaking fingers.
“Now let’s get to work.” He unbuckled his belt and the button on his slacks. After pulling down the zipper he slid his pants down.
I took a deep breath and opened my mouth. I bent over and paused when he started laughing loud. Alarmed, I looked up and asked, “What’s wrong?”
He had his head thrown back and everything he was laughing so hard. Once he finally settled down, he looked at me and shook his head. “Oh, nothing. It’s just that you don’t seem like the type of woman you’d pick up on a corner.”
“It’s because I’m not. Tough times call for tough measures.”
“Oh yeah? And what measures are those?”
“I need to feed my kids. Plain and simple.” Part of me hoped he would show some sympathy, pass me yet another fifty and just let me go tend to my babies.
He greeted me with silence. Maybe he was thinking the same thing.
When he took a hand and shoved my head towards his crotch, I realized he wasn’t going to let me slide.
The dude offered me a ride when I was done, but I declined. I walked back to the house and cried the entire way. On the way home I stopped at Jack in the Box. Maybe the fact that I would be able to send my kids to bed with full bellies would override the feeling of guilt and shame I was towing around. I rubbed my tear-soaked face dry, went inside and ordered four junior bacon cheeseburgers and two orders of their ninety-nine cents tacos. Those two items were the cheapest they had on their menu. Once my order was done, I high tailed it to my apartment, hoping my kids would still be up so that they could put something in their stomachs.
When I got there, I was surprised to see my neighbor, the one that had given me the spaghetti. I jumped at her image sitting on her steps puffing on a cigarette. Would I take up her habit next out of stress?
Feeling as though where I’d been and what I’d done was stamped on my forehead, I dropped my head and rushed past her to unlock my door. I paused when I heard her voice.
Instead of her laughing at me or saying ‘Um humph; I told you so,’ all she said was, “It’s always hard the first time. Prayer helps though. Believe it or not, I think that God pays more attention to the sinner’s prayers than the saint’s.”
I nodded then went back to unlocking my door. And sure enough my kids were up.
“Mama!” It was Tricie. She bum rushed me with a hug. “Where were you at? We were worried something had happened to you.”
I kissed her forehead. “Ain’t nothing happened, baby. I went to get y’all hungry butts something to eat. Come in this kitchen and don’t eat it real fast either.”
I pulled out two plates. I had no appetite. “Where’s your brother?” I asked as I sat a plate in front of her. The other plate I sat across from her. I grabbed the bag and sat a burger and a taco on her plate and a burger and a taco on Jo Jo’s . The other burger and tacos they could have for breakfast.
“I’m right here, Mama.” He sat down in the chair across from his sister.
I knew Jo Jo wasn’t going to be inquisitive like his little sister. Maybe he didn’t have to because the look on his face told me he knew exactly how I had got the food. Part of me prayed that he didn’t, that he was just as naïve as his little sister.
“Eat,” I ordered. Tricie tore into her taco like it was lobster and butter. Jo Jo shook his head and tapped a finger on the table. “Boy, I said eat.”
“I’m not hungry, Mama.” His voice was surprisingly sharp.
I gave him a crazy look, my heart pounding. “What?”
“I said, I’m not hungry.”
“Boy, you better eat this food,” I snapped. “Do you know what I had to-?” I immediately cut my own words off.
“Do I know what, Mama?”
My heart sped up. I put a shaking hand to my forehead. “Nothing. You can eat it in the morning.” I turned to walk away.
“Naw, Mama.” I stopped and turned back around to face him.” Thank you for the food.” His tone softened. He was back to the little boy I knew and loved. He unwrapped his burger. “I’ll eat it now.”
I took a deep breath and smiled, trying my hardest not to let my tears drop. Regardless of what I had done in the past two hours, I had food to feed my kids. That’s what was important. I was going to take the remainder of the fifty dollars, and buy some food from the grocery store that would last us. My list would include plenty of Top Ramen, potatoes, rice, and bologna. We were going to have to use the sales paper we got in the mail to wipe our butts once the handful of napkins I grabbed from Jack in the Box ran out. Their bellies were more important.
The kids cleaned up and they went to bed much happier than they had the day before. Once I heard their loud snoring, I turned out the lights and dropped down on my knees.
“Heavenly Father, have mercy on me, a sinner. I believe in you and that your Word is true. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God and that He died on the cross so that I may now have forgiveness for my sins and eternal life. I know that without you in my heart my life is meaningless. I believe in my heart that you, Lord God, raised Jesus from the dead. Please, Jesus, forgive me for what I did tonight. Lord, please know that I am pure in serving you, but I felt like there was no other way to take care of my kids. I give you my life and ask you to protect me, my kids and my husband. I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”
My neighbor, who I now knew by name as Valerie, hipped me to something else. “Sometimes you can get at Mr. Baker. That lily white pervert loves him some chocolate,” she told me while I sat on the steps next to her. “Girl, around Christmas time I couldn’t bear to see my kids without at least one gift, but my pockets were empty. And here that old fart comes sniffing around me. So I took some of my rent money and bought them all one gift a piece at Big Lots.”
“Well, what happened?” I questioned.
“I’m getting to that,” she snapped, pursing her lips afterwards. “I was gonna make up for it out on the track, but during that time, a prostitute had just got killed.”
“What? And you sent me out there?” I demanded.
She flicked her cigarette in the grass. “That was a minute ago. Thangs are back to normal out there now. Dudes just wanna ease some tension off in a woman. But back to what I was saying before you rudely interrupted me. Things were hot then, and a little scary. So since I always been a slick broad, I put two and two together. Mr. Baker is a man. He likes a little action. And what better action than in your own building? So I shot a spark at him.”
“What did you do?”
She pulled out another cigarette and lit it before saying, “I bent over, raised my skirt and told him to get his worth of the missing rent out of me.”
I held in my laugh just thinking about her and Mr. Baker’s old behind together like that. “Well, what happened?”
“He took the bait. My rent payment was fulfilled and all my kids had at least one gift for Christmas.”
I looked down at my ashy feet and then back at her as she puffed on her cigarette.
“It’s just another option, Shortcake, just another option.”
I frowned. There had to be other options for me.” I just can’t see me doing this for the rest of my life.” I shook my head. “I used to be a secretary. I could always go back to work.”
“You won’t make it, boo. Look at the big picture. If you make over a certain income bracket, you’ll get kicked off government assistance living and have to pay a full rent. There’s your whole paycheck right there. And the bracket is a dirt poor one I might add. Welfare will cut you off too, so you’d be going at it all solo. The average cost of a two bedroom is probably around a thousand a month outside of this place. Think about food, utilities, healthcare, and childcare. Your kids ain’t old enough to be home alone. That’s how Medina lost custody of her kids trying to go at it right, working a minimum wage job. Can you afford that all on your own?”
I shook my head. As a secretary, after taxes I took home only fourteen hundred a month. But I was okay because it was only me. At that time I was only paying six hundred a month for rent for a one bedroom, plus utilities. I caught the bus to work and didn’t have to worry about feeding anybody but myself or buying clothes and necessities for anybody but myself. Valerie was right. The list of things I’d need to do in order to provide for my kids outweighed the money that would be coming in. Just the thought of not making it and being worse off than I am now paralyzed me with fear.
I sighed. Something had to give. I still hoped my husband would have that moment where he would stop and look at what he was doing, go get help and we could be the family that we once were.
“The whole system is set up for us to fail, girl,” Valerie stated. “All you can do is raise your kids the best you can and hope they have a better life than you did, even as yours passes you on by.”
I nodded. She blew a cloud of smoke in my face, giving me a headache on top of the headache my thoughts on trying to find a way out had given me. Who was I kidding? Valerie was right, and so was the devil; there was no way out. Nope-there was only the Track.