Chapter 23

WHEN LILY TEXTED ME THE NEXT evening, asking if I could meet her outside, I said yes. I’d been wanting to text her all day, I’d even picked up my phone and started composing my message in notes, so she wouldn’t see the typing dots, but in the end, I hadn’t found the courage.

I was glad Lily had. Because I didn’t want to face her again for the first time on our Monday carpool, with Adam riding shotgun and me in the back seat, trying not to make it awkward, but inevitably doing that anyway.

“Where are you going?” my grandmother asked when I came downstairs.

“Just meeting a friend,” I said.

“Which one?”

“Um, Lily Chen.”

“Oh.” My grandmother sounded disappointed.

I figured it was easier not to ask why. Once she started on one of her tirades, she kept going, until she had picked apart every speck of a person. I’d heard her do it recently with Marion from her book club, and from the amount of vitriol she was spewing, I was shocked when, two days later, she mentioned their going out for coffee together after yoga.

“Well, see you,” I said awkwardly.

“Wait,” my grandmother said, and I turned around, my heart pounding. “When are you going to ask Cole to dinner?”

Oh god.

“Um, probably in a few weeks,” I said. “Now isn’t really a good time. Because of soccer.”

I felt terrible lying to her, but I didn’t want her to say I couldn’t meet Lily.

“Make sure to find out what he doesn’t eat,” my grandmother said.

“Will do,” I promised, grabbing my keys.

Pearl trotted over to the door, looking hopeful, like she might get a walk, even though my grandfather had literally just taken her on one.

“You can’t come,” I told her, and she huffed before trotting away to play with her green ball.

Lily was standing at the curb, wearing a sweater and jeans, her hair back in a braid. When I saw her, my heart sped up.

Lily, Lily, Lily, it sang.

It was like my blood remembered kissing her. I felt it rush to my cheeks, warming them.

“Hey,” Lily said. “I thought we might walk down to the beach or something.”

“Sure,” I said. I was tiptoeing around her, waiting for her to bring up what had happened.

Except she didn’t, not right away. She started walking, and I followed. The sun was just beginning to set, and the sky glowed pink. Golden hour, it was called. The best lighting for taking photos, because it makes everything appear more perfect than it is.

I wondered if it would help me. If, when Lily looked at me, I’d appear better.

“I’ve never been down here before,” I said as Lily led me toward a small private beach at the end of the block.

“Seriously?” Lily’s eyebrows shot up. “You need to get out more. Go exploring.”

“I’ll pack a sled with provisions and make Pearl pull it,” I joked. Lily smiled, shaking her head slightly.

It never failed to shock me how close we were to the ocean here, how just at the end of the block, it was the end of the entire continent. We were standing on the edge of something, always. But how easy it was to forget.

There was a small kids’ playground down by the water, as though the ocean wasn’t enough.

“Fake sand,” Lily said, her smile crooked as she stared at the sandbox. “Isn’t that amazing?”

“Wait,” I said.

I ran across the short strip of grass to the beach, bending down until my cupped hands were filled with sand, and then I brought it back to the playground, letting it sift through my fingers.

“Now it’s real sand,” I said.

“Just tell me,” Lily blurted. “Did last night mean anything to you, or were you just playing around?”

She winced after she said it, leaning back against the orange plastic of the jungle gym. And I realized that, despite her brave face, she was as rattled as I was by what had happened.

“Of course I wasn’t playing around,” I said, wondering how she could think that.

Lily’s shoulders sagged in relief.

“Okay. Good,” she said. “Because when I told you I was gay—” She stopped, steeling herself. “You acted really cool about it, and really supportive—and really straight.”

I was going to have to say it.

But if the first person I told was Lily Chen, here, on this golden beach full of real and fake sand, I thought it could be okay.

“Well, I’m not,” I whispered, and then I took a deep breath. There was no turning back now. “I’ve never told this to anyone before, but . . . I’m bisexual.”

I expected silence after I said it. For the world to screech to a stop, but it didn’t even slow down.

“That’s awesome,” Lily said, relieved.

“It’s awesome?” I said. I didn’t think I’d heard her correctly.

“I can’t believe I’m the first person you told,” she said, smiling at me.

“Also the first girl I ever kissed,” I said, since I was pretty sure middle school games of truth or dare didn’t count.

“Wow,” Lily said. “Your v-card. I’ll treasure it.”

“Moderate sunlight,” I instructed. “Water it once a week.”

“I’ll text you updates,” Lily joked. And then she took a deep breath and admitted, “You have no idea how relieved I am. I mean, that night on the beach when you pulled the spaghetti out of my hair. And at the museum. And last night at the Den. I thought I was looking for something that wasn’t there.”

“It was there,” I admitted. And then I asked, “Why were you looking?”

“Because I have the biggest crush on you,” she admitted.

“Impossible,” I said.

Lily raised an eyebrow.

“Because I have the biggest crush on you,” I finished.

It felt so right, confessing my feelings to Lily. With boys, it always felt so precarious. Like at any moment they might declare that actually, they were just joking, that of course they didn’t like you. With boys, I was always waiting for them to make the first move, to set the tone.

Here, it was just us. Just Lily and me. And we could be whatever we wanted. It was that easy. And also, that hard.

“And I’ve never,” I went on. “I mean. It’s all really new.”

“We’re sixteen,” Lily reminded me gently. “It’s allowed to be new.”

“You’re right,” I said.

“So, speaking of new things, would you maybe want to go on a date?” Lily asked, her eyes shining. She looked so hopeful and so beautiful in the fading golden light.

Oh my god, a date.

Lily Chen had just asked me out.

“Um, I’d like that,” I said. “A lot.”

Lily’s smile was luminous in the sunset, and I could feel myself glittering, too.

But the moment I agreed, the logical part of my brain kicked in, reminding me of the million reasons we couldn’t. The million reasons I couldn’t.

“Except,” I said, my voice hitching. “I, um, I don’t want to tell my grandparents yet. About being bi. I don’t—I don’t really know how they’ll react.”

Lily bit her lip, considering.

“Oh, Sasha,” she said. “I didn’t even think. And I want you to be in a safe space, and to come out if—and when—you’re ready. So if you need it to be a secret date, I understand.”

“Really?” I said.

It hadn’t even occurred to me that we could just . . . not tell anyone.

“Of course,” Lily said seriously. “I’m super lucky with my family. But my grandparents—they’re old-school PRC.”

“PRC?”

“People’s Republic of China,” Lily clarified. “My aunt lied to them for years about living with her boyfriend before they got married. It was ridiculous.”

“So about this secret date,” I reminded her.

“It would be very secret,” she promised. “We might not even know that we were on it.”

“As in, we might even be on it now?” I asked.

“Anything’s possible,” Lily said, smiling.

And then we climbed up onto the plastic jungle gym and watched the sun set over the ocean. The moon was already out, which my mom always said was a good omen.

“There’s the rabbit,” Lily said.

“Where?” I glanced around the grass.

“In the moon,” Lily said.

“I thought it was a face,” I said.

“Rabbit,” Lily said. “With a pestle, mixing the elixir of life.”

“You’re making that up.”

“It’s from an old folktale,” she said. “Look at the moon and tell me you don’t see a rabbit.”

She pointed, and I squinted, and sure enough.

“How have I gone my entire life not knowing that there’s a rabbit in the moon and we’re all made from dinosaur pee?” I said.

Lily shrugged.

“What can I say?” She grinned. “You were missing out.”

“You know what else I was missing out on?” I asked.

“Cheeseburgers with chopped chiles?”

“Close,” I said, and then I kissed her.