Hi, I’m Lauren and I’m a 13-year-old girl in seventh grade. I read your book Queen Bees & Wannabes and I must admit most everything was true. I mapped out my clique (popular). I found out that I am the Banker/Floater. Even though I feel as though the girls and boys I hang out with are my friends, my self-esteem is lower when I’m with them. And within the clique is an even more exclusive girls’ clique which I am very proud to be a member of. That’s where I want to belong. BUT, I’m part of EVERY clique. My best friend is in a less popular clique that I am also friends with. Those are the people I feel most comfortable around. They understand I’m part of another clique but they choose to tell me every little piece of gossip they know, which I tell to everyone in my other clique. But anyway after reading Queen Bees & Wannabes I learned which clique I wanna stay with and that being the Banker isn’t a good thing. Because I don’t like my friends living in fear of me. So thanks.
Truly Yours, Lauren
Are you horrified at Lauren’s unapologetic social climbing and manipulation? Mystified at her simultaneous self-awareness and off-center moral compass? Or are you counting your blessings that you aren’t in seventh grade anymore or, better yet, wondering why these seventh-grade personalities persist with the adults you know in your neighborhoods and workplaces?
Welcome to my world. If you want to understand girls, you have to start by examining how and what your daughter understands about the nature and dynamics of friendship, cliques, and popularity. Why? Because on a daily basis, she learns what kind of girl she is “required” to be in order to be accepted by a group or the consequence of standing her ground. And for better or worse, what she learns will profoundly influence her—from her appearance and academic and extracurricular interests to her core values and ability to hold her own against intimidating people and situations.
This chapter will help you analyze and understand the nature of cliques so you can better understand what your daughter is going through, identify her position in the clique, help her develop healthy boundaries with friends, and if necessary, take responsibility for cruel behavior. The common definition of a clique is an exclusive group of girls who are close friends, but I see it a little differently. I see them as a platoon of soldiers who have banded together to survive adolescence. There’s a chain of command, and they operate as one to the outside world, even if there may be dissatisfaction within the ranks. Group cohesion is based on unquestioned loyalty to the leaders and an “us-versus-the-world” mentality.
Some members may not even like other members within cliques. There are those you hang out with just because certain people seem to come in a set, like markers, but then there are those you actually trust and respect.
—Amelia, 15
Cliques reinforce your daughter’s bonds with her friends. They can also break apart or weaken the bond between a daughter and her parents. This is painful for you, but it also can be dangerous for your daughter, because the clique teaches her to turn to and exclusively depend on the members of her clique when she’s in trouble, instead of asking for help from you or another adult. But the worst thing some girls learn from cliques is that it’s more important to maintain a relationship at all costs instead of realizing that how they are treated within that relationship should be the basis for whether or not they stay in it.
It’s also true that girls learn it’s more [about] high-status relationships instead of pursuing and/or keeping healthy positive friendships.
—Amelia, 15
Many parents believe that there’s one particular time in a girl’s life that you can predict when cliques will be the worst. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. You can’t watch your daughter’s eighth-grade graduation and breathe a sigh of relief that all the girl drama is now over. In my teaching, I’ve seen shocking examples of cliques even in kindergarten. So, more important than trying to figure out a precise time when these issues will start and stop is to always keep in mind that children and teens often operate in groups, and this can produce intense power struggles.
There are times when you can reliably predict when these dynamics intensify. For example, when your daughter is new to a school, when her grade is receiving a large number of new students, or when she’s in the youngest grade of a school are all times the problems increase, because the social hierarchy is challenged and people want to know how any changes to that hierarchy will shake out.
Before I go any further, I want to make clear that I don’t think there’s anything wrong per se with cliques or groups. Girls tend to have a group of girlfriends with whom they feel close, and often these friendships are great. They can be themselves, share secrets, hang out, and act silly, and have confidence that they will be supported no matter what. Having said that, the way girls group together can sow the seeds for cruel competition for popularity and social status.
Why is that? Because girls, like all of us, are vulnerable to being controlled by the power of the group. Equally common is conflict or power struggles between individuals within the group. This is why what I speak and write about isn’t simply addressing the issue of girls being nice or friends with one another. I don’t care if girls are nice. What I’m talking about is how we maintain our ethics and moral compass when we are in a group. I don’t care if you’re in third grade, sixth grade, the principal of a school, or the president of a country. How does the group respond when an individual within it believes the group is acting unethically? What will the price of speaking out be? What will the price of silence be? Will the person be seen as disloyal and kicked out? I believe it is through understanding your relationship to the group and your right to speak out within it that girls develop their ethics and moral courage, ability to think critically, and belief that their actions can affect change. Here’s an excellent example of a girl who understands the process.
I went to a public school until fourth grade and I was very sure of who I was. When the girls weren’t allowed by the boys to play soccer at recess I, quite literally, petitioned for change. Eventually the boys let us play just to shut me up. I started at this school in fifth grade and didn’t fit in. I had plenty of “lunch tray moments” until it was discovered midyear that I could sing, something that I guess is an attractive trait in a friend. Same old story, I ended up compromising who I was, working my way up the social ladder, tailoring personalities trying to find one that fit. I’d toss off new friends for newer friends until I reached the heights of Middle School Hierarchy. I wasn’t that confident fourth grader or that awkward fifth grader; I was way worse, I was nothing. I was anything my friends wanted me to be and because of that, I was nothing without their guidance. I was called weird by my friends for my infatuation with musical theater, pressured to give up extracurriculars, told I was only liked because I was pretty, mocked for being feminist and anti-drinking. I lost myself; I was the sidekick of the same girl who had made me miserable in grade school. She made me miserable in middle school too, but this time I victimized myself. End of eighth grade I ran against her for class president—that was my idea of taking a stand. The cattiness was ridiculous. I refused to succumb, not so much because I was above it, mostly because I knew that acting like the bigger person could buy votes. It’s terrible and I don’t want you to think I’m heartless, I hate who I was. I won the election but realized it wasn’t worth the fight. I quit. I quit drama and popularity and competition. I’ve been clean for two years now.
—Allison, 16
For some girls, popularity is magical. Popularity conveys an unmatched sense of power. Some girls think that if they can achieve it, all their problems will disappear. Some become obsessed and measure the popularity barometer daily, then issue constant weather reports. Others dismiss it, thinking the whole thing is ridiculous. Some are angry and deny they care, although they often actually do. Some feel so out of it they give up.
Imagine you’re invisible, and walk with me into a classroom (feel free to imagine any grade from third grade up) where I’m going to discuss cliques and popularity. This is what you’ll see: thirty girls grouped together in clumps of usually four or five. They’re sitting on chairs, or on each other’s laps, doing each other’s hair, texting, reading, or sitting by themselves. Some are even studying. I start the class by asking the girls to close their eyes and answer by a show of hands how many of them have had a friend gossip about them, talk behind their back, force them to stop being friends with someone, or be exclusive. All hands immediately shoot up. I ask the girls to keep their hands up and open their eyes. They laugh. Then I have them close their eyes again and ask them to answer by a show of hands how many of them have gossiped, backstabbed, or been exclusive about a friend. Much more slowly, some bending from the elbow instead of extending their hand, all the hands go up. I tell them to keep their hands up and open their eyes. They look around. They laugh again, but nervously.
After five minutes or so, almost without exception, the following occurs: a girl, usually generically pretty and surrounded by four or five girls, will raise her hand defiantly and say, “Ms. Wiseman, maybe this happens at other schools you work at, but at this school we don’t have exclusive cliques like that. It’s not like we’re all best friends, but we all have our groups and people are fine with it. People just can’t be best friends with everyone.” As she’s speaking, there are many expressions of disbelief and eye rolling from the other girls in the room, making it difficult for me not to laugh out loud. But no one speaks up to challenge her declaration. Almost always, three things will be true about this girl: first, she’ll always be one of the meanest, most exclusive girls in the room; second, she honestly believes what she’s saying; and third, her parents will be in total denial about how mean she is and completely back her up. It’s enough to make your head spin. So how do we get the girls to tell the truth? There’s only one way: anonymity.
I tell the girls to take out a piece of paper, sit wherever they want around the room except next to their friends, and anonymously tell me if the girl who spoke is correct. As you watch them find a place to write, the power of the social hierarchy is clear. The girls can’t wait to write, but most want to hide as they scribble away. Especially if the girls are younger, they sit in closets, under their desks, under the teacher’s desk, and even in lockers (if they’re small enough).
When they’re done, they get to fold the paper in any way they want—and how they do it also tells me a lot about what they think. Some girls condense the paper into a small ball or the smallest square. Others hand me the paper unfolded and defiantly tell me they don’t care who knows what they wrote. I put all the answers in a box and take it with me to the front of the room.
Everyone sits in a circle and the air is tense with expectation. Before I begin, I remind the girls to “own up” to their own behavior and not focus on figuring out who wrote what. I tell them to stare at the ground so they can resist trying to telepathically communicate who they think wrote what. I read aloud most of the responses (girls can write “for your eyes only” if they don’t want their answer to be read out loud).
Not surprisingly, the girl who initially raised her hand and declared that there are no cliques holds the minority opinion. Here are the responses from a typical sixth-grade class.
From the bottom of the social totem pole:
I’m uncool. Let’s face it. There are many cliques among the “cool.”
—Emily, 11
In this grade there are cliques and I hate it. Popular people put other people down all the time. I know I’m part of a clique, but my clique was formed of the girls that were excluded and shunned. We like each other for who we are, and not by our hair, looks, clothes, or popularity. These girls are my real friends.
—Michelle, 12
From the middle:
I guess, for want of a friend, girls are willing to hurt anyone and don’t care what stands in their way.
—Kiana, 12
There are cliques and even exclusive clubs. There are about three or four cliques and some are nice. The rest are exclusive and mean. Sometimes I feel like I have to conform and be boy crazy.
—Kim, 12
And from the top:
There are cliques in this class and everybody is popular in their own group. The cliques are intertwined. I think the popular people are really nice. There is gossip but no backstabbing.
—Paige, 13
I think there are cliques, but we aren’t mean to each other mostly. But there are occasional breakouts of trouble.
—Carrie, 12
Can you picture what Carrie means by “occasional breakouts of trouble”? This is a classic popular girl understatement, which usually consists of one girl completely humiliating another. Why were the girls so reluctant to admit the gossiping and exclusivity out loud? What was silencing the girls from telling the truth? The power of cliques silences them, because those in positions of power are often blind to their behavior or justify it so they won’t have to take responsibility for their actions. Those not in positions of power fear the consequences of speaking out in public. When girls do talk about it, they only talk with their friends and in private places like school bathrooms, their bedrooms, or by text, phone, or e-mail. So, most of the time, the girls who aren’t afraid to speak out in public are those who are so out of the social pecking order that they have nothing to lose by saying what they really think.
Popular girls, like any other group of privileged people, often don’t recognize their privilege because they are blind to it. It’s all they know, and they haven’t had to go through the experience of understanding what it feels like to be on the outside. They know little to nothing about people outside of their group and are reluctant to admit what they do to put other girls down. In contrast, the girls on the outside usually know a lot about what’s going on with the popular girls. But what’s critically important about this exercise is that it enables the adult to teach a fundamental value: each person’s truth is of equal value. No one gets to speak for anyone else or dismiss an opinion just because it’s not shared by the people who have the most power. Once the silence is broken, the truth comes out. Girls want to talk about what’s really going on between them. They just have to be in an environment where they can speak their truth. And in the age of texting, e-mail, MySpace, and so on, it’s essential to create a space where they can express these truths both by themselves and within a group. The classroom can be a great place for this.
Some girls can’t stand the word clique and will be immediately defensive if you use this word to describe their group of friends. They assume you’re accusing them of being exclusive. If you want to ask a girl about her group of friends, just say the word group and she’ll be less reactive.
I’m not saying it’s inherently bad to be popular, but girls have had to help me realize that I sometimes make it sound as if it is. When I first started teaching, an adorable sixth-grade girl in pigtails politely raised her hand and asked me, “Ms. Wiseman, why do you think all popular people are bad?” She totally caught me off guard and enlightened me. Of course she was right—there are popular girls whom people really like. From then on I defined “the popular girls” in two ways: the good kind is a girl who is genuinely liked. The mean kind is when other girls are grateful if she’s nice to them and terrified when she’s angry.
My students usually want to talk about good popularity for about thirty seconds. They are much more interested in knowing why the definition of good popularity doesn’t usually describe the popular girls they know. Very quickly, the questions start to fly: Why are popular girls so mean? Why is everyone so afraid of them? No one likes the most popular girl, so why does she have the most friends? They’re describing the bad kind of popularity. In the girls’ words:
“She’s the meanest to everyone.”
“She has all the power and she’ll crush you.”
“She’ll influence you to be her friend, and then backstab you, ruining your life.”
Who personifies mean popularity? I bet you have a picture in your mind right now.
We need to give girls credit for the sophistication of their social structures. Our best politicians and diplomats can’t match a girl who understands the social intrigue and political landscape that lead to power. Cliques are sophisticated, complex, and multilayered, and every girl has a role within them. However, positions in cliques aren’t static. A girl can lose her position to another girl, and she can move up and down the social totem pole. The reality is that few girls are stuck in one role, and they can often have moments of being something else. Here are the different roles that your daughter and her friends might play:
Queen Bee
Sidekick
Banker
Messenger
Pleaser/Wannabe
Torn Bystander
Target
Champion
A Queen Bee can have a Champion moment. A Champion can get into such a tough situation that she becomes a Torn Bystander. Also, your daughter doesn’t have to be in the “popular” group to have these roles within her group of friends, but it is true that the higher up the social pecking order, the more rigid the group’s rules tend to become.
Because girls’ social hierarchies are complicated and overwhelming in their detail, I’m going to take you through a general breakdown of the different positions in the clique. However, when you talk to your daughter about cliques, encourage her to come up with her own names and create roles she thinks I’ve missed. If you can answer yes to the majority of items for each role, you’ve identified your daughter.
Think of a combination of the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland and Barbie. She’s the Queen Bee, the epitome of teen girl perfection. Through a combination of charisma, force, money, looks, will, and social intelligence, this girl reigns supreme over the other girls and weakens their friendships with others, thereby strengthening her own power and influence. Never underestimate her power over other girls (and boys as well). She can and will silence her peers with a look and then turn around and be incredibly nice. But the bottom line is you’re on her side or else—you are with her or against her.
She will do anything to have control. She will humiliate you in front of your whole grade, just if you are getting a little attention from boys, even if the boys are just your friends.
—Kelly, 14
Your Daughter Is a Queen Bee If …
Her friends do what she wants to do.
She isn’t intimidated by other girls in her class.
She complains about other people copying her, never leaving her alone, or being too sensitive.
When she’s hanging out in a group, she’s in the center. When she moves, they follow.
She can argue anyone down, including friends, peers, teachers, and parents.
She can make another girl feel “anointed” by declaring her a special friend.
She’s strategically affectionate. For example, she sees two girls in her group, one she’s pleased with and one she isn’t. When she sees them, she’ll throw her arms around one and insist that they sit together and barely say anything to the other.
She won’t (or is very reluctant to) take responsibility when she hurts someone’s feelings.
If she thinks she’s been wronged, she feels she has the right to seek revenge and will do so.
She thinks she’s better than everyone else. She’s in control, intimidating, smart, caring, and has the power to make others feel good or bad. She’ll make stuff up about people and everyone will believe her.
—Anne, 15
If that sinking feeling in your stomach stems from just realizing your daughter is a Queen Bee, congratulate yourself. Honesty is the first step to parenting successfully. If you are thinking, “How can my daughter already be a Queen Bee at the age of seven?” accept it and realize you are not alone. As I say to Queen Bees all the time, we just need to use your power for good and not evil. As FDR and Spiderman have said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
What Does She Gain by Being a Queen Bee?
She feels power and control over her environment. She’s the center of attention, and people pay homage to her.
What Does She Lose by Being a Queen Bee?
Her friendships are defined by power, not mutual support, trust, or care. She can be incredibly cynical about her friendships with both boys and girls. She may easily feel that she can’t admit to anyone when she’s in over her head because her reputation dictates that she always has everything and everyone in control.
I want to share with you a recent experience I had in a junior high. It resonates with me because it’s not often that I come across Queen Bees who admit their fall from power. I’d just finished an assembly with the sixth grade when the counselor asked me if I could talk to a couple of girls. I looked over in the corner to see two beautiful girls with stick-straight brown hair, button-down shirts, plaid skirts, and Ugg boots throwing furtive glances in my direction.
“Hi, girls, what’s up?” I said.
Both girls scanned the room anxiously. The smaller one pushed her long bangs out of her face. “OK, we were in this clique with four other girls but they kicked both of us out. They now talk bad about us and have code words for my name. It’s really bad …” She looked away, obviously trying not to cry. “When I try to talk to any of them, they just walk away and whisper to each other and laugh.”
The other girl broke in, “And we’ve tried to talk to them. But they just throw it back in our face. I know we used to be the Queen Bees, but now I cry every night. And I know the school didn’t like us in the group because sometimes I guess we were mean to people. Now … I guess I know what it feels like … I guess they were never my friends.”
For twenty minutes we talked candidly. One admitted that she had “a serious problem wanting to know everyone’s business all the time.” They knew they abused their power, and their victims weren’t sympathetic to their plight. I left them with a plan based on the idea that this could be a life-changing moment for both of them. Could they learn from this and use their dynamic, powerful personalities for good? Would they remember what it felt like to be excluded and betrayed and speak out when it was happening to someone else?
But my other reason for sharing this experience is that a lot of people love to see Queen Bees get brought down. Of course, we need to hold the Queen Bees accountable for wielding their power unethically, but we also need to be there to catch them when they fall. What I want you to take away from this is the understanding that even Queen Bees experience the negative effects of cliques, and you should encourage your daughter to show compassion, even when her instinct is to have the last laugh.
She’s the lieutenant or second in command, the girl who’s closest to the Queen Bee and will back her no matter what because her power depends on the confidence she gets from the Queen Bee. Together they appear to other girls as an impenetrable force. They commonly bully and silence other girls to forward their own agenda. The Queen Bee and Sidekick are usually the first to focus on boys and are often attracted to older boys. This is particularly true in seventh and eighth grade (and their behavior is even worse if they’re physically mature and going to high school parties, but that’s another chapter), but remember, it’s happening at younger ages. The difference between the two is that if you separate the Sidekick from the Queen Bee, the Sidekick can alter her behavior for the better, while the Queen Bee would be more likely to find another Sidekick and begin again. On the other hand, sometimes a Sidekick can stage a coup against the Queen Bee and take over her position.
Your Daughter Is a Sidekick If …
She’s jealous of someone else being friends with the Queen Bee.
The Queen Bee is your daughter’s authority figure, not you.
She feels like it’s just the two of them and everyone else is a Wannabe (see the Pleaser/Wannabe section).
You think her best friend pushes her around.
She notices everything about the Queen Bee. She will do everything the Queen Bee says and wants to be her. She lies for the Queen Bee, but she isn’t as pretty as the Queen Bee.
—Madeline, 14
What Does She Gain by Being a Sidekick?
A Sidekick has power over other girls that she wouldn’t have without the Queen Bee. She has a close friend who makes her feel popular and included.
What Does She Lose by Being a Sidekick?
If she’s with the Queen Bee too long, she may forget she ever had her own opinion. She doesn’t go through the process of thoughtfully deciding what she wants in a friend and how she should act in a friendship.
Information about other people is currency in Girl World—whoever has the most information has the most power. I call that girl the “Banker.” She creates chaos by banking information about girls in her social sphere and dispensing it at strategic intervals. For instance, if a girl has said something negative about another girl, the Banker will casually mention it to someone in conversation because she knows it’s going to cause a conflict and strengthen her status as someone in the know. She can get girls to trust her because when she pumps them for information it doesn’t seem like gossip; instead, she does it in an innocent, “I’m-trying-to-be-there-for-you” kind of way.
Her power lies in getting girls to confide in her. Once they figure out she can’t be trusted, it’s too late because she already has information on them, and in order to keep her from revealing things, girls will be nice to her.
—Leigh, 17
The Banker is almost as powerful as the Queen Bee, but it’s easy to mistake her for the Messenger, the next in line in the hierarchy. She’s usually really cute, quiet, and withdrawn in front of adults. This is the girl who sneaks under adult radar all the time because she seems so harmless.
Your Daughter Is a Banker If …
She is extremely secretive.
She thinks in complex, strategic ways.
She seems to be friends with everyone; some girls even treat her like a pet.
She’s rarely the subject of fights.
She’s rarely excluded from the group.
What Does She Gain by Being a Banker?
She gets to create drama. The Banker is very confusing to other girls because she seems harmless yet everyone is afraid of her.
What Does She Lose by Being a Banker?
Once other girls figure out what she’s doing, they don’t trust her. With her utilitarian mind-set, she can forget to look to other girls as a trusted resource. If girls do organize against her, it can be really hurtful and unsettling because she’s never been on that end of it.
The girls can’t oust the Banker from the clique because she has information on everyone and could make or break reputations based on the information she knows.
—Charlotte, 15
The Messenger also trades personal information and gossip about others; however, she differs from the Banker in that her motivation is to reconcile the parties in conflict. By doing this, she hopes to gain recognition and social power. Parents can easily misread their daughter if she’s the Messenger because they see her peacemaking efforts as being entirely altruistic.
Your Daughter Is a Messenger If …
She lives for drama, and she’s obvious about it.
She loves to “help” people out when they are in fights, which most parents describe as “just wanting everyone to get along.”
When a conflict arises between girls, it’s all she’s thinking about.
She gets an adrenaline rush from being in the middle of a conflict (but it looks to unsuspecting adults as if her only motivation is caring too much, wanting everyone to get along, and trying to make peace).
She feels better about herself when other girls come to her for help.
What Does She Gain by Being a Messenger?
She feels valued because friendships will be made or broken based on her involvement.
What Does She Lose by Being a Messenger?
Her position is precarious. Others can easily turn on her, especially if she gets information wrong (which she inevitably will because it’s too hard to keep all the details right) or others deny what she’s claimed. She can be easily used, manipulated, and then discarded when no longer useful.
This person will do almost anything to be in the group or gain favor from the Queen Bee or the Sidekick. She often observes and imitates their behavior, clothes, and interests but never feels completely in the group—that’s why she’s always proving her loyalty to the more powerful girls. As a result, she can give up what’s important to her and/or what she enjoys. She constantly anticipates what people want from her, but doesn’t ask herself what she wants in return.
Your Daughter Is a Pleaser/Wannabe If …
Other girls’ opinions and wants are more important than her own.
Her opinions on dress, style, friends, and “in” celebrities constantly change according to what the Queen Bee does and says.
She has trouble developing personal boundaries and communicating them to others.
She can’t tell the difference between what she wants and what the group wants.
She’s desperate to have the “right” look (clothes, hair, etc.).
She’ll stop doing things she likes because she fears the clique’s disapproval.
She avoids conflicts. Her common response when asked her opinion is, “Whatever you want, doesn’t matter to me.”
What Does She Gain by Being a Pleaser/Wannabe?
The Pleaser/Wannabe has the feeling that she belongs.
What Does She Lose by Being a Pleaser/Wannabe?
Frankly, almost all girls and women have moments of being the Pleaser. Here’s the deal. Because girls are rewarded for being “nice,” pleasing behavior is reinforced because it is socially condoned. Therefore, it’s really hard to see when a girl is sacrificing her personal boundaries. As a result, many pleasers have low selfesteem from sacrificing their needs and judgment. Pleasers often assume that the more they please, the more liked they will be or positively recognized for their actions. But ironically, that’s not true. Instead, the more Pleasers accommodate, the worse people treat them.
She thinks she belongs, but the Queen Bee and the Sidekick are just using her; she’ll lose all her friends, then the Queen Bee and her Sidekick will destroy her reputation. Don’t be a Pleaser/ Wannabe if you can help it.
—Trinity, 16
She doesn’t want to go against the more powerful people in the group and usually convinces herself not to challenge them. She wants to help the Target, the next in line, but she is not sure how or thinks it won’t make a difference. She may rationalize her own silence or apologize for others’ behavior.
Your Daughter Is a Torn Bystander If …
She’s always finding herself in situations where she has to choose between friends.
She tries to accommodate everyone.
She’s not good at saying no to her friends.
She wants everyone “to get along.”
She can’t imagine standing up to anyone she has a conflict with; she goes along to get along.
She’s confused and insecure because her reputation is over if she doesn’t stick with the Queen Bee, but she can be really cool when she’s alone.
—Anne, 13
What Does She Gain by Being a Torn Bystander?
Her silence buys her acceptance into the group. In high-social-status groups, that also means she has increased access to popularity, high social status herself, and boys.
What Does She Lose by Being a Torn Bystander?
Her fear of the Queen Bee or other girls in power can be so terrifying that she never learns to take a stand. She can’t imagine having the personal power to do it. So she’s smart enough to know something’s wrong but feels incapable to exert any influence over the situation.
She’s the girl who gets set up by the other girls to be humiliated, made fun of, and/or excluded. Targets are assumed to be out of the clique, one of the class “losers.” Although this is sometimes true, it’s not always the case. Just because a girl is in the clique doesn’t mean she can’t be targeted by the other members. Often the social hierarchy of the clique is maintained precisely by having someone clearly at the bottom of the group’s totem pole. Girls outside the clique tend to become Targets because they’re perceived to be trying too hard or because their style of dress, behavior, or personal background is outside the norms acceptable to the clique. Girls inside the clique tend to become Targets if they’ve challenged someone higher on the social totem pole (i.e., the Queen Bee, Sidekick, or Banker) and need to be put in their place.
Your Daughter Is a Target If …
She feels helpless to stop the girls’ behavior.
She feels she has no allies. No one will back her up.
She feels isolated.
She can mask her hurt by rejecting people first, saying she doesn’t like anyone.
This role can be harder to figure out than you would think, and your daughter may be too embarrassed to tell you. She might admit she feels excluded, or she might just withdraw from you and “not want to talk about it.” That’s why I’ll discuss how to talk with your daughter in the next chapter.
Targets don’t want to tell their parents because they don’t want their parents to think they’re a loser or a nobody.
—Jennifer, 16
What Does She Gain by Being a Target?
This may seem like an odd question, but being a Target can have some hidden benefits. There’s nothing like being targeted to teach your daughter about empathy and understanding for people who are bullied and/or discriminated against. Being a Target can also give her objectivity. She can see the costs of fitting in and decide she’s better off outside the clique because at least she can be true to herself and/or find good friends who like her for who she is, not for her social standing. Remember the girl who wrote that she was in the loser clique but at least she knew her friends were true friends? A lot of girls don’t have that security. But in general, the benefits of having these experiences usually become clear to girls as they get older. In the meantime, being the Target can be excruciating. At the least, it doesn’t seem like a very good trade-off for being made fun of now.
What Does She Lose by Being a Target?
She can feel helpless in the face of other girls’ cruelty. She feels ashamed of being rejected by the other girls because of who she is. She’ll be tempted to change herself in order to fit in. She feels vulnerable and unable to affect the outcome of her situation. She could become so anxious that she can’t concentrate on schoolwork.
If a girl’s stuck in a degrading clique, it’s the same as when she’s later in a bad relationship. She doesn’t expect to be treated any better.
—Ellen, 15
In every girl there is a Champion who wants to get out.
—Joanna, 17
In the last edition, I called these people the “Floaters” but I don’t think that was a clear enough definition—and way too many people insisted to me that their daughter was one. So now, I’m calling this person the “Champion.” The main goal of this book is to help your daughter have more Champion moments at every age. These moments are so important in shaping a girl’s character, and if encouraged by parents and other adults, these Champion moments will profoundly change not only her life but also the lives of those around her. The Champion is not confined or controlled by the Act Like a Woman box. She can take criticism, doesn’t make people choose friends, and doesn’t blow off someone for a better offer. She has friends in different groups and doesn’t treat people differently when groups are together. She can and will stand up to the Queen Bee in a way that treats them both with dignity.
You can usually spot this girl because she doesn’t associate with only one clique. She has friends in different groups but can move freely among them (but remember so did the Banker who wrote to me in the beginning of the chapter). She’s more likely to have higher self-esteem because she doesn’t base her self-worth on how well she’s accepted by one group.
Your Daughter Is a Champion If …
She doesn’t want to exclude people; you aren’t always having fights with her about spending time with people she considers “losers.”
Her friends are comfortable around her and don’t seem intimidated; she’s not “winning” all the conversations.
She’s not exclusively tied to one group of friends.
She can and is willing to bring another person into a group of friends.
What Does She Gain by Being a Champion?
Her peers like her for who she is as a person. She’ll be less likely to sacrifice herself to gain and keep social status.
What Does She Lose by Being a Champion?
The only thing bad about being a Champion is when she stands up for someone and, in response, people turn on her. I’ll talk about this later in Chapter 7, but suffice it to say, it can be lonely and scary to do the right thing.
Now, if you just read all those roles and have come to the conclusion that your daughter is the Champion, just take a moment. It isn’t that I don’t believe you, but I have a lot of experience with parents believing their children are something they’re not. We all want to believe the best about the people we love, but sometimes our love blinds us to reality. It should go without saying that just because your daughter isn’t a Champion doesn’t mean she won’t become an amazing young woman or that you haven’t done a good job raising her. But, if you insist on seeing her in a way that she isn’t, you won’t be able to be as good a parent as she needs you to be. Most important to remember is, who among us can be a Champion all the time? Our goal is to have more Champion moments—in all of our lives, not just those of our daughters.
OK, now you know the different roles girls play in cliques. The next questions are: How were these roles created in the first place? Who and what determine these positions and power plays? Why are girls able to get away with treating each other so badly?
Imagine you and your daughter are on a cruise ship. The cruise director’s job is to make sure your daughter is reasonably happy and entertained. There are scheduled activities, and if by chance she hurts herself, someone will be there to get her back on her feet. She knows most of the people on the ship and everything is familiar. But all of the sudden, girls start telling each other the ship is stupid and boring and it’s time to get off. As you watch helplessly, she leaves behind everything that is safe and secure, gets into a life raft with people who have little in common with her except their age, and drifts away.
Once in the raft she may ask herself how she got there or why she even left in the first place, but when she looks around, she sees that the ship is impossibly far away, the waves are too big, and there are a limited number of supplies; she quickly realizes that her survival depends on bonding with the other girls in that life raft. But your daughter isn’t stupid. This realization is quickly followed by another one: she’s trapped.
I know this is a dramatic metaphor to demonstrate girls’ fear, but it shows how trapped many girls feel, forced to be a certain way in order to be accepted by their peers. They perceive their only choices as being stuck in the life raft or thrown into the water. To girls, the life raft of the clique can truly feel like a matter of life and death.
When I’m teaching girls in a class, I get them to talk about these feelings by giving them the following exercise: I ask them to describe what a girl or woman who has high social status is like. This is a person everyone “knows.” If she has an opinion, everyone listens and agrees. What does she look like, and how does she act? Then I ask them to describe what a girl or woman who doesn’t have high social status is like. This is someone who is likely to be teased, ridiculed, and/or dismissed. What does she look like, and how does she act?
Next, we put the characteristics of high social status within a box and place the characteristics of low social status outside the box (off the raft), as demonstrated in the following “Act Like a Woman” box.
The box shows what girls think they need in order to stay in the life raft and what characteristics will get them thrown out. I visualize most of the girls I teach as squeezing into this raft and hanging on for dear life. They’ll tolerate almost anything to stay in—and there’s always the threat of being cast out.
Are there some girls who are comfortable swimming in the waters? Are there girls who would rather drown than be in the raft? Sure, and sometimes these girls are stronger because of the struggle. But in many ways, every girl has to deal with the life raft, because her society’s social pecking order is based on this metaphor. Even if she doesn’t care, her peers do, and they’re judging her accordingly. So no matter where your daughter is—sitting securely, teetering on the rails, bobbing in the waters with a life preserver, swimming strongly, treading water, or drowning—it is imperative to understand and accept the reasons why she bonds so tightly with her friends and why the idea of being cast out can be so frightening and paralyzing. Her fear also makes it more difficult to ask for help. From her perspective, that cruise ship is very far away, and you probably couldn’t get her back on board even if you tried.
But how do people get thrown out of the life raft? Look at the words outside the box. These are weapons. For example, imagine your daughter is in the popular group. One of the girls in her group teases another girl for being overweight. Your daughter may feel bad, but what would happen if she stood up to the teaser? Any challenge to the powers that be is seen as an act of disloyalty and, in turn, she might be thrown out. Just the threat of being thrown out is powerful enough to silence most girls.
Cliques are self-reinforcing. As soon as you define your role and group, you perceive others as outsiders. It becomes harder to put yourself in their shoes, and therefore it is easier to be cruel to them or watch and do nothing. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about social hierarchies, racism, sexism, homophobia, or any “ism;” this is the way people assert their power, which really translates into discrimination and bigotry. You’ve probably raised your daughter to stand up to and for people. But you’re a long way away on the cruise ship, and heeding your advice—and perhaps her conscience—won’t put her back on board with you. She’s the one who has to stay on the raft with the girls. See why your daughter is so tempted to “do the wrong thing” even when she knows better?
If you want to really understand what your daughter’s world looks like, ask her to draw a map of her school that shows who hangs out where. I asked two sixteen-year-old girls to do this exercise, an Indian-American girl from the East Coast and a junior from the Southwest. I flinched when I saw their artwork. Their worlds are harsh, judgmental places—but they’re typical of what many girls tell me their school experience is like.
Some of us remember middle school and high school only too well. Others might need to jog their memory to recall what the hallways looked like. I asked a few girls to draw maps of their schools. You might ask your daughter to do the same. No matter what the details of her drawing, you’ll discover the lay of the land your daughter traverses every day. And, if your daughter is willing to share her map with you, how does it compare with your school experience?
Checking Your Baggage
Where did you fit in middle school?
Where did you fit in high school?
What did you get from being a part of this group?
Did you ever want to leave the clique but felt like you couldn’t?
Were you ever tormented by someone in a clique?
Accept the following:
You’ll often have to rely on second-hand information. You won’t be around when she gets into trouble. Your influence is limited to what you can do before and after. The only people guaranteed to be around her when she does get into trouble are her peers. Think of it this way: Where does your daughter hang out with her friends? How often do you hang out in these places? What exactly is she texting or twittering or posting on her favorite social networking site? Teens have access to each other in ways no adult does. This means that she’ll have to stand up for herself with your support, but not your physical presence.
You have to get out of denial. Your daughter will make poor choices, behave in cruel and unethical ways, and/or be on the receiving end of both. If you want to raise a girl who survives adolescence (I mean this literally) and develops into a responsible, ethical woman, you have to accept the reality that there will be hurdles along the way and even some seemingly insurmountable mountains to scale.
Remember the life raft. When she’s having a problem with friends, when she dreads going to school because she’s having a fight with another girl, remember how terrifying it can be to swim in an ocean with predators all around and no rescue in sight.
It can be really hard to talk to your daughter about her role and experiences in the clique. As a general rule, unless she brings it up, don’t begin the conversation by asking about her personal experiences. Instead, start the conversation by asking her opinion. Ask her to read this chapter and tell you what she thinks, or summarize it for her if reading it feels like homework to her. What rings true for her and what doesn’t? If she tells you that there’s nothing in the chapter that applies to her experience, don’t let that be the end of your conversation. Ask her what does. You’re looking for a starting place, which you might find by watching a TV show or movie together.
Approach your daughter as an observer of other girls. Then, when she’s opened up to you about what she sees, you can ask what she thinks her role is. Most likely she’ll start talking about herself as she talks to you about her friends. You can use the definitions I use in this book, but be ready to discard them if she’s reactive. Let her define her experience for you. As I said earlier, it’s great if she comes up with her own names for roles in the clique. Some good questions to ask are:
What do people gain and lose from their role?
Why does she think that person is in that role?
How does it impact her to watch these things happen with her friends?
How does she feel when it happens to her?
In the chapters that follow, I’ll give you more specific advice on how to help your daughter, depending on the situation and where she stands on the social totem pole. For now, I’ll describe your key task as a parent depending on your daughter’s general position in the clique: from a powerful position, in the middle, or as the Target.
Position of Power (Queen Bee, Sidekick, Banker)
If she’s operating from a power position, it’ll be hard for her to admit when she’s in the wrong, and she’s unlikely to show empathy for other girls. Always emphasize taking responsibility for her actions and not blaming others.
If your daughter is in a position of power, she’ll be focused on revenge. If you try to talk to her, she’ll either put up fierce resis tance or be as smooth as silk. Don’t be fooled by the smooth approach. She’s only doing that because she’s smart enough to know that placating you will get you off her back faster.
Caught in the Middle (Torn Bystander, Pleaser/Wannabe, Messenger)
Don’t create a situation in which she feels that she has to choose between you and the person described above because that girl is cooler than you are. Tell her you know she’s in a difficult position, but encourage her to take responsibility, because her torn feelings look like two-faced behavior to other girls.
Ask her, “Who’s making the decisions in your life?” She doesn’t like when you make decisions for her, so she shouldn’t like it when the Queen Bee makes decisions for her. But remember, no matter how close you are, you can’t provide the social validation she gets from her friends, or convince her that she doesn’t need it in the first place. The key to success in this conversation is to make your daughter understand that, by following the clique, she’s not in control of what she wants. Don’t blame her for not being able to stand up for herself. Give her credit for talking about it openly. Practice with her what she wants to communicate to the more powerful girls.
If you identify your daughter in this role or if she ever has an experience where she’s a Target, let her talk about it at her own pace. These situations can be very humiliating, so give her space but make sure she knows you are available to talk to anytime. If she tells you she’s a Target, don’t freak out and threaten to call the school or other parents unless she asks for your help. If she really doesn’t want to talk to you, respect her feelings. In the next chapter, I’ll talk more about the importance of finding an ally for your daughter in those cases where she’s not comfortable talking to you. In Chapter 6, I’ll discuss how to help your daughter stand up to those in power in the clique.
Don’t read this chapter and immediately ask your daughter what clique she’s in! While we’re on the subject, there are some parents who have asked me whether their child should read this book. First I think you need to read the whole book and decide which parts are appropriate. If you do have her read it, under no circumstances should you say something like, “I think you should read this book because …” Instead say, “I just read this book (and this goes for anything you see, read, hear about to do with one’s children) and I want to know if you think the writer is realistic, completely wrong, or out of her mind. So will you read it and tell me what you think?” The important thing is that you talk about it and get her opinion.
Whatever position she’s in, always affirm your daughter in some way. Tell her that you recognize that these situations are really difficult. Most adults struggle with these same issues. If you think a story about when you were a teenager will be something she can relate to, tell her. But don’t tell her what to do. Instead, describe the behavior you respect. Work with her as she comes up with a plan that describes specifically what she wants to happen differently, and how she can make that happen. (Tell her she can always blame you if her friends come down on her.) Your daughter will feel better knowing that you respect the challenges she’s up against and want to help her through them.
