Do not e-mail or call anyone right after your child has told you something that makes you angry! If your child is safe, standing in front of you, then whatever you need to do or say needs to be done when you are relatively calm and sane.
I didn’t understand why I was so unhappy in sixth grade. I couldn’t have told my parents that girls were being mean to me.
—Erin, 17
If you’ve done something wrong, you don’t want to tell your parents. Because you know you’ve been mean so it’s uncomfortable. So maybe I’ll tell my parents the little things I’ve done.
—Meredith, 13
I last told my parents in second grade about a problem I was having with a friend and then they told all their friends and my family. So then my cousins knew and teased me. So now, I just tell my brother and he just listens.
—Abby, 14
Parents tell me they want a passport that admits them to Girl World and the ability to translate this foreign language and understand the customs they find once they get there. But you don’t want to be a casual tourist; you want to really get inside the culture. In this chapter, I give you general strategies to help you communicate more effectively with your daughter and translate what she’s saying. (In later chapters I’ll show how to apply those strategies more specifically.) I also show you how to get the information you need to tour Girl World without reading your daughter’s diary or snooping through her text messages or Facebook page (although you do have the right to do that as a last, last, last resort).
But before I stamp your passport, I’m going give you some general things to keep in mind and then challenge you to evaluate your parenting style and how that impacts your daughter. If you don’t have an effective parenting style, you can’t be an effective communicator.
Always remember: No parent wakes up in the morning wanting to be an enabling, micromanaging, in denial, or irresponsible parent. And it’s easy not to be when the social waters are calm in your child’s life. But the minute you find out that she’s caught up in a storm of Mean Girls, it gets infinitely harder. So the question is, Why are we so challenged?
Here’s my short list:
We hate the people who are mean to our kids.
We love our children and we don’t like thinking badly of people we love.
It’s embarrassing when our children are mean, rude, or obnoxious because they make us look like bad parents. So rather than just sit and deal with our embarrassment, it’s just too tempting to excuse the behavior. From saying she’s “overtired” when she’s little to saying “She’s moody” or “You know, girls are just catty at this age” when she’s a teen, we often miss opportunities to see our children’s behavior for what it is.
In my work with parents I see a variety of parenting styles and philosophies. Most of them are based on love, but as you probably know, there’s a lot of anxiety, fear, and denial out there. Look over the following styles. Yours is probably a combination—I know mine is—but see which ones resonate with you the most. You can also ask your daughter what she thinks.
This parent believes it’s possible to control a daughter’s movements and choose her friends and boyfriends. This parent also believes that telling her to “just say no” to drugs, alcohol, and sex will work. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run into these parents only to find out that their daughters are doing all of the preceding—they’re just really good at hiding it. Even if you could lock your daughter away until she’s eighteen, you’re only prolonging the inevitable. When she comes out, she’ll want to experience things on her own, but without the opportunity to have had any guidance from you. If this is your parenting philosophy, you’re teaching your daughter to sneak behind your back and get herself into serious trouble without giving her the skills to get out or the resources to help herself.
Best friends? Some of you may laugh at this because you count as a good day one in which you and your daughter are on speaking terms. Most parents today who fit into this category know better than to say, “I’m best friends with my daughter.” But how about, “I know my daughter isn’t perfect, because no child is, but I’m just really lucky because she tells me everything and we’re just really close.” Never assume that your daughter isn’t doing something solely because you don’t approve of it or because you believe she tells you everything. Just because she talks to you a lot doesn’t mean she isn’t selective about what she’s saying. In any case, your daughter doesn’t want you to be her best friend. She wants you to be her mother or father. Your connection with her is profound and unique.
Sometimes parents really are their daughter’s best friend. However, most often this ends abruptly sometime in early adolescence. These parents can feel terribly rejected. A few parents manage to think of their daughter as their best friend through high school, but I’ve rarely seen this work out well. The daughter feels torn between resenting the overinvolved parents and feeling guilty about rejecting them. Or she’s so dependent on the parents that she never learns to form her own independent relationships. In the first case, the daughter is forced to take extreme measures to separate from the parents. In the second case, she never grows up.
This parent will do anything to be liked by the daughter and her friends. In elementary and middle school, this is the parent who has inappropriate theme parties or buys things for their daughter and her friends in spite of the other parents’ fervent wishes. In high school, this is the parent who buys beer for parties, often justifying this behavior (usually after a party has gotten out of hand and other parents are furious) by believing that if the kids are going to drink, they may as well do it under their own roof. At first glance, it seems like a good point—teens are going to drink, and it is better to have them in a safe place than driving around looking for parties. But by buying the beer, the Hip Parent is condoning the abuse of alcohol and its use as a social crutch.
I’ve never seen a child who respected the Hip or Best-Friend Parent. Both types are easily manipulated and disrespected by their children, especially in front of others. So while it may feel good in the short term, this method isn’t responsible parenting. And forget discipline. Once you go down this road, it’s almost impossible to set guidelines and rules that your daughter will take seriously. Your child wants and needs you to be a parent, not a friend with the ID.
The difference between a best-friend parent and a hip parent is that the best-friend parent’s goal is to develop a relationship with their child and be close to them. But the hip parent’s goal is to be close to the child’s friends so they think they’re cool. They’ll put their own children down in order to be seen as cool by their kid’s friends.
—Katelyn, 18
There’s one thing I haven’t ever gotten used to: parents believing that their child’s perspective is the one and only truth. I get countless e-mails from parents describing something that happened to their child as if they were actually present at the event, like the Believer Parent was actually at lunch, the playground, or the school hallway when the incident occurred. Or the Believer Parent automatically believes their child when they say, “Mr. Edwards is so unfair! He totally yelled at me after he gave us a pop vocab test today! I swear he gave us the words yesterday!” Ask yourself: Have you ever argued with your daughter and you heard in response, “Mom, Dad, you are totally yelling at me!” And your thought to this accusation could be summed up to be something like, “You call this yelling? You haven’t even seen yelling yet. In fact, I should be getting an award right now for how calm and mature I am being.” There’s a chance that something similar could be going on here. In fact, Mr. Edwards gave out the vocab list a week ago and reminded your child of that fact when he handed back the test results. But the Believer Parent never takes that under consideration while furiously typing and then sending an aggressive e-mail to Mr. Edwards or marching over to the school.
Do not e-mail or call anyone right after your child has told you something that makes you angry! If your child is safe, standing in front of you, then whatever you need to do or say needs to be done when you are relatively calm and sane.
I’m not saying your child’s truth isn’t valid. It is. But if you don’t consider the possibility of other perspectives, three things happen: (1) you won’t find out what’s really going on; (2) when you find out that there’s another side to the story you can get embarrassed because your child has just made you look like a fool; and (3) your embarrassment turns into massive denial and defensiveness and then you think the other person is lying. None of these reactions creates a situation for effective parenting.
Just a little more extreme is the “You Mess with My Kid, You Mess with Me” Parent. Now I know this comes from a really natural place of feeling like a mama or papa bear when someone is hurting your child, but these parents can’t pick their child’s battles. Everything to do with their child is a battle and they are always ready to wage war. They rush in, without letting their child either advocate for themselves or be held responsible for bad behavior.
On the face of it, this makes perfect sense. Your daughter needs to learn how to handle difficult social situations like being teased or bullied. But the big problem with this is: (1) these parents rarely have this attitude when their kid’s on the receiving end; and (2) they don’t get involved at all—which means they provide no moral guidance and structure as their child navigates through complex difficult social dynamics. To this parent, “involvement” means micromanaging a child’s life; and they’re going to leave that to the helicopter parents they love to make fun of. But what all parents need to realize is that sane involvement means being behind the scenes, asking your child the right questions and knowing enough of the details to hold your child accountable when necessary.
The only girls who don’t wish they had this kind of parent are the girls who actually do. Daughters of Pushover Parents are primarily left to make their own mistakes with no guidance and no parental consequences. Teens want rules and boundaries. They may rebel, but deep down they know that rules and boundaries make them feel safe, that there’s order to the world, and that someone’s looking out for them.
There’s another kind of Pushover Parent, though he or she may not look like it on the surface. This is the parent who isn’t around a lot because of his or her job (long hours or they travel a lot) or a divorce. These parents can be really aggressive to everyone else in the child’s life (the other parent, a teacher, a coach) but will do anything to be on the child’s side.
What’s the difference between the two? I would say that the Pushover lets you change the rules whenever you want and the Hip Parent has rules but they are really cool, like “No beer in the bedroom.”
—Becca,16
This parent wants to do the right thing but is simply too exhausted and distracted by work and other obligations to create the structured environment a daughter needs. The biggest problem is inconsistency—the parent initiates rules but then they’re forgotten because the parent is distracted or just too tired to enforce discipline. When the daughter breaks a rule, she can take advantage of the parent’s guilt and insecurity to transition the conversation from the daughter’s behavior to the parent’s bad parenting.
This parent has some wonderful qualities, demanding the best from a child and holding her to a high standard of accountability and personal responsibility. Through their words and deeds, No-Excuses Parents show their daughter that she should always get up no matter how many times she’s pushed down. These parents usually raise girls who would make any parent proud: girls who get good grades, are respectful to others, and so on. There’s only one problem with this kind of parenting: since the daughter has been taught that she should take care of whatever problem faces her, she can be reluctant to ask for help. If she’s in over her head, she can easily feel ashamed that she isn’t strong enough to overcome her problems on her own. Shame is a powerful feeling and it can make girls feel so bad that they’ve let the family down that they internalize their feelings and become self-destructive and/or disconnected from the family.
This close relative of the No-Excuses Parent believes that family problems should stay within the family. Daughters raised in this style get the message that imperfection, fear, feelings of insecurity, depression, and helplessness may be something other people have but not “us.” The Private Parent’s daughter can grow up afraid to reach out for help and/or not know how. Although privacy is important (especially to a teen!), anyone can get into situations that are over her head, and her health depends on reaching out.
On the other end of the spectrum, and more publicly embarrassing, is the No-Privacy parent. This parent believes that anyone, often unsuspecting strangers or unlucky dinner guests, should be included in family disputes, even if—or especially if—they include the revelation of embarrassing and humiliating information about individual family members. Because teens are often sensitive about sharing any personal information beyond their name, most parents could be innocently accused of this parenting style, but there’s a difference between giving factual information and telling your new best friend about the gory details of the last fight you had with your daughter. Girls with this parent will go to great lengths to create privacy—usually by sneaking behind their parents’ backs.
Through an unspoken agreement, the daughter doesn’t tell the parent what’s going on and the parent doesn’t ask. When parents feel unprepared and/or don’t have the support they need, they often feel that ignorance is bliss. This makes for pleasant yet superficial conversations at the dinner table, but in the meantime, the daughter can be foundering.
This parent’s love, anxiety, or fear combine either to overwhelm and incapacitate the daughter or drive her away. She often feels suffocated and fights back by becoming defiant. Everything between the parent and child becomes a battle of wills and control; and in the process, everyone in the family suffers. Spouses feel they have to choose between their children and their partner, ex-spouses feel they have to defend their child, and siblings lay low to avoid the fire. In short, the home becomes the last place any of the children want to be.
Of course, this is my favorite parent. The one I now aspire to be. Parents with this philosophy know there may be things their daughter hides from them, like e-mails, texts, or early and sometimes troubled relationships with boys, but they don’t take it as a personal insult or an indication that their relationship with their daughter is weak. When they make mistakes, they own up to their behavior and right the wrong, and they encourage their daughter to do the same. They demonstrate that you can learn from mistakes and be better for it. They love their daughter unconditionally but hold her accountable for decisions and behavior that go against the family’s values and ethics. When they’re told that their daughter may have done something wrong, they listen and don’t blame other people for their daughter’s behavior. At the same time, they never make her feel ashamed of who she is. They also realize, especially as their children get older, that they may want to confide in someone else about a problem. This parent realizes that the most important goal is that their daughter has someone reliable and sane to talk to—even if it’s not them.
Here are some things Loving Hard-Ass Parents do:
If their daughter has done something really wrong, they go with their daughter and apologize.
They don’t gossip about children while waiting in car pool lanes and watching athletic events.
They laugh at their own mistakes and use them to inform better judgements in the future.
They aren’t quick to judge other parents.
They are not afraid to admit when they feel overwhelmed or unsure about how to handle a difficult situation with their kids.
I hate to say it, but my parents really are pretty cool! And all the other parents I can think of that are cool are really very similar to mine. They’re laid-back, but not oblivious or completely separate from my life. They trust me. They genuinely like me and like spending time with me. They know what goes on in my life, but they can take a hint when it’s time for them to leave me alone. Of course there are the occasional fights or disagreements, but in the end, I think they only help make our family life stronger.
—Julie, 16
I urge every parent to become a Loving Hard-Ass Parent.
As I said in the introduction, the biggest difference in my life between when I first wrote this book and now is that I am the mother of two boys who are six and eight. I’m in the thick of it just like you! I regularly face many of the same problems I discuss in my work. Have I gotten calls from the principal? Yes—and it wasn’t about how wonderful my child was in a certain situation. My children have been the bully, the target, and the bystander, and I, like you, have experienced the unbelievable anxiety of not knowing how to help my child through a challenging problem. So let me assure you that just because I do this stuff for a living, I am not immune to experiencing these problems firsthand. One experience I went through this year rocked me to my core.
A few weeks into the new school year, my husband and I were notified that our older child, Elijah, was acting out in school. He was disrespectful to his teachers, he wasn’t participating in class, and he was physically aggressive with other students. While it was upsetting to get this news, we had seen similar behavior at home in the form of tantrums and saying negative things about himself, like he was a “loser” and he wished he’d “never been born.” Up to that point, we weren’t sure how seriously to take his behavior. But it got worse and worse until the school referred him to see a therapist in the school—someone I had trained, by the way. As I sat in her office, close to tears, scared to death, I looked up to see all my books and curricula on her bookshelf. You may think I’d be embarrassed that someone I’d trained would see the problems I was having within my own family. I had that feeling but it was fleeting, because at that point, I was so desperate that all I felt was gratitude that someone I thought was competent could help him.
Four weeks later, after seeing Ms. LaNail Plummer twice a week, he was doing better with her and at home, but he was still struggling in the class. Then the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, Ms. LaNail called me and said Elijah had been beat up at school by a group of boys and that I needed to take him home. I rushed over to the school, where she was waiting for me. She gave me a hug and took me to him where he was waiting in her office. I wrapped my arms around him, told him I loved him, and took him home. During the next few days Elijah told us that since the beginning of the year, a group of boys had been telling him before lunch and recess that they were going to beat him up. Sometimes they would. Sometimes they wouldn’t. But he didn’t tell us because they told him not to.
Of course I felt like I had failed my child. And I, of all people, hadn’t seen the signs? I, who have said two things to countless teachers over the years: “Kids almost always have a good reason for what they do. You may think what they’re doing is horrible or annoying, but there’s always a reason.” And, “You always see the second hit, you rarely see the first.” Most teachers first see the retaliation, not the act that initiated the conflict. Yet my frustration and anxiety blinded me to look behind my own child’s actions.
The night before he returned to school, we sat down with him and he described to me the details of how the kids had threatened him and physically hurt him. While he spoke I wrote it all down. My husband and I prepared him for the meeting we would have the next day with the principal, Ms. Perez. We asked him to think of questions he wanted to ask her and his teachers. We encouraged him to talk as much as possible, but we assured him that we would both be there as backups.
As soon as the meeting started, Ms. Perez asked Elijah to describe what he’d been going through. He said nothing. She asked again and he said he didn’t remember. Then I noticed he was nodding in my direction and lifting his eyebrows, clearly communicating, “Come on, Mom, tell her what I said last night!” I asked him if he wanted me to tell the principal what I had written down the night before. He nodded with relief that I was getting it. As I spoke, his eyes were glued on Ms. Perez. After I was done, Ms. Perez looked him straight in the eye and said, “Elijah, I’m sorry and we’re going to do better.” I almost lost it. I don’t know about you, but the feeling of relief when you witness another adult doing right by your kid can make the hardest among us weep.
From there we created a safety plan for him, and the school supervised recess differently. Slowly but surely Elijah’s behavior improved. The negative self-talk and tantrums stopped. The calls home about his disrupting the class ended. And then one day, Elijah and I were in the kitchen and he told me he was worried that he may have a hard time in school the next day. My pulse quickened. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked. He shook his head and said matter-of-factly, “Mom, you really aren’t good at that.” I sputtered, “Excuse me?????” He shrugged. “You’re not really that good at talking to me about this stuff.” I laughed. “You’re kidding me with this, right?” He shook his head. I asked, “OK, can you talk to Ms. LaNail about it?” Without a moment’s hesitation he replied, “Oh yeah, she’s way better than you are.”
What did I learn from this experience? That frankly, while no one can take the place of a child’s primary caretaker when you need a hug at the end of a horrible day, sometimes our love and anxiety stops us from giving the kind of guidance our children need. Ironically, our love can make us so close we can’t see what to do. For as good as I am at my work, in the darkest of those days, I couldn’t see how to help him. It is not an exaggeration that Ms. LaNail changed my son’s life. She offered him the kind of support and guidance he needed at the time he needed it.
Just as I challenge girls to own up to what they do that contributes to their being their own worst enemies, I’m also challenging you to own up to what you do that contributes to girls’ social hierarchies. Leave behind the assumption that Queen Bee girls always have Queen Bees as mothers—”after all, the apple doesn’t fall from the tree.” Because I don’t think that’s a helpful way to think about it. First, when we say that, we aren’t looking at (i.e., blaming) the dad for nurturing a Queen Bee. Second, we never say the same things about the Pleaser/Wannabe girls or any other position in the group. Third, since almost no one identifies themselves as Queen Bees, if you believe this line of thinking, you’ll never be able to see Queen Beeism in your own child. And fourth, I’ve seen too many variations on the Queen Bee girl/parent dynamic to feel confident telling you I think there is a correlation. And in any case, it really doesn’t matter which girl has which parents. Instead, what is much more important to understand is that if you’re a parent or someone who is around girls in any capacity, the way you handle yourself is profound.
I am the coleader of a Girl Scout Troop and our girls are Cadettes (seventh and eighth grade), and have been together since Daisys (kindergarten). New girls have come along almost each year, and most have stayed. The newest girl is being ignored and avoided at best and shunned and dumped on by the Queen Bee daughter of the Queen Bee troop leader. I am horrified. I am angry at myself because I did not/cannot do more to help Irene. I am angry at the other adults for being clueless, or unwilling to see. After an overwhelming desire to resign as a tactic to avoid the discomfort and pain … I now know that I have to stay and effect change.
—Mary
My 8-year-old daughter had just started at a new school when the mother of a Queen Bee approached me. She wanted to invite my daughter to her daughter’s birthday party, but she told me to keep it quiet because the two other new girls hadn’t been invited. For a moment I was elated that my daughter had made the cut, but then I realized both my daughter and I were being co-opted by the clique. I was so torn. I wanted my daughter to be included, but at what price?
—Roger
It’s now time to ask yourself some very difficult questions: you’re your daughter’s role model; are you talking about other people in a way that you’re proud of? What is she learning from you? When you run up against a Queen Bee, how do you react? Do you want your daughter acting the same way? Are there girls you want your daughter to be friends with (or not) because of social status? And the biggest question: are you living according to your values—not just when things are easy and you’re getting along with people, but when it’s hard? When you’re so angry that the last thing you want to do is treat someone with dignity? Asking yourself the following questions can help clarify your rights and responsibilities in relation to your daughter.
Your Parental Bill of Rights
What do you need in your relationship with your daughter? I have the right to get the information I need to keep my daughter safe.
What are your responsibilities to your daughter? I’m responsible for helping her become an independent adult through being a good role model and holding her accountable for her actions.
Under what circumstances would you ask someone for help with a problem you’re having with your daughter? When I believe it’s too uncomfortable for my daughter or the issues she’s tackling are making me so crazy and anxious that my input will only make the problem worse.
Does your daughter know your answers to these questions? I’m not sure, but I should find out.
Your daughter also needs a Bill of Rights with you. Here are some questions she can answer.
Your Daughter’s Bill of Rights with You
What do you need in your relationship with your parent(s)?
What are your responsibilities to your parent(s)?
Under what circumstances would you ask someone for help with a problem you are having with your parent(s)?
I want to come to them with problems and get advice and sympathy—not anger or controlling behavior. My responsibility is to keep them informed of where I am, what I’m doing, never lie, uphold their values, and try my best.
—Tanya, 16
I know, I know. You just want to visit Girl World and talk to your daughter about what’s going on in her life. Why does she respond by disclosing nothing more than name, rank, and serial number to the evil interrogator? Before you even think of engaging your daughter in an in-depth conversation, know that there are a few certainties that make your task more difficult:
If you press her to answer more completely than “fine” and “okay” when you ask her how school is, she’ll initially see your interest as an invasion of privacy and a waste of time. This is a common reaction. Don’t take it personally.
If you tell her you want to “talk” to her, she’ll sigh, roll her eyes, or assume you’re blaming her for something.
I have some suggestions to get around these common hurdles. First, appreciate that those monosyllables and grunts in response to the daily question of how things are going at school are normal. Asking your daughter a general question like “How was school today?” is too difficult (there was that horrible math test, then Anna and Kenya ignored her at lunch, then the buttons on her shirt popped open in front of the boys …). Instead, ask her specific questions. For example, asking “Read anything interesting in English class today?” or “Learn anything relevant in health class today?” gives her more freedom to answer.
When you ask her about her life (“So, what’s new?”), she might assume you know something bad or that she’s in trouble and immediately go into defensive mode. Once she’s defensive, you’ll never get anything out of her.
Maybe starting with “You’re not in trouble. I just want to know what’s up with you” would work better.
—Katherine, 17
As a newly minted Loving Hard-Ass Parent, you certainly don’t want every conversation short-circuited, so you need to better communicate with your daughter. Make it a priority. Look for opportunities to bond when you have no other agenda but to check with your daughter just to see that she’s okay. Make the most of your time together when you’re making dinner, watching TV, driving around on errands. But don’t limit yourself to spontaneous opportunities for sporadic conversations. I strongly recommend that you create more focused time just to connect.
At least once a month, take your daughter out to a coffee shop or some other place she likes to go where the two of you can sit down and hang out, away from other siblings and distractions. Take her to school one day and leave early so you can stop for bagels and juice. Avoid going to a place where either one of you may run into someone you know. At any point, but especially in the beginning, refrain from making any comments about what she’s wearing, homework she’s supposed to be doing, or the room she’s supposed to be cleaning. Don’t talk about schedules, upcoming events, or things you need to get information about—unless she brings it up. Just as important, watch out for those land mine remarks, like “You should wear your hair pulled back like that more often. You’re so pretty when you can see your face.”
Get your daughter her favorite drink, and don’t make faces when she orders something you think is disgusting or unhealthy. (That’s another talk.) Sit down at a table she chooses, get comfortable, and start: “Thanks for getting up early today so we could do this. There’s really no pressure to do or say anything. We just don’t get a lot of time to talk without a million things going on at the same time so I thought we could spend some time together and you can tell me what you feel comfortable with. So what’s up with X?
Don’t be afraid of silence. If she just sits there for a while and it looks like that’s the way it’ll stay, remind her there’s no pressure so it’s totally acceptable for the two of you to just sit together and read. But just one rule: she can’t use technology. No games on her cell phone or texting her friends.
Eventually, you’ll get answers from her if you set up a comfortable environment and listen respectfully. Even if she complains later to her friends, believe me, she appreciates your effort. If, however, you’ve never done something like this before, expect her to say something during this talk that sets your teeth on edge. She’s your daughter so she’s an expert button pusher. Let’s say she reacts to your overture by being obnoxious. Take a deep breath and remember your goal for the conversation: to connect. For example, she might say disdainfully, “Why do you care all of a sudden? Are you feeling guilty because you’re never around? Don’t think you can be parent for a day and I’ll start telling you things … because that’s not happening.” At this moment, you may wonder why you bothered and whose child this is anyway. Instead of shutting down and fighting with her, ask, “Do you really feel that way? Because if you do, I really need to hear why you think that.” Then be prepared to listen.
Sometimes when I tell my parents stories, I specifically don’t want their advice. All I want them to do is listen.
—Keisha, 16
Truly listening can be incredibly challenging! Without even realizing it, you’re asking leading questions and/or coming across as a scary interrogator bent on fixing the problem. None of these will work on your daughter. You might as well pay for the coffee and go home.
Don’t sigh, roll your eyes, or click your teeth. These are all very annoying when you’re talking to your Martian parents!
—Alexa, 13
So how to best keep these inclinations at bay? First, be honest with yourself about your agenda and goals. Are you keeping an open mind and trying to get information from your daughter’s perspective, or are you out to confirm your preconceived opinions? For example, let’s suppose you don’t like one of her friends and you want to know more about what your daughter does with this girl after school.
YOU: So what’s up with Emily? You seem to be spending a lot of time with her.
DAUGHTER: (Silence for two seconds)
YOU: Are you sure you want to be doing that? I have to tell you that I think she’s hanging out with the kind of people you don’t want to be associated with.
DAUGHTER: Mom—don’t worry about it. She’s fine.
YOU: I’m just worried about you. I’m sure she’s a nice person but I just wouldn’t want you to make a bad decision about a friend and end up regretting it.
If you say things like this, let’s admit that the goal is not “finding out what’s up” with your daughter but instead to communicate your anxiety that Emily isn’t a good influence. Now, you may be absolutely right that Emily is a bad influence, but the problem is that this conversation will result in the opposite of your goal. Your daughter will now be less likely to tell you anything about Emily (or anyone else, for that matter) because you weren’t trying to connect, but leading the conversation to confirm your own suspicions. Girls see through this easily and will shut down. Anyone would. Let go of your agenda and allow your daughter to take the lead.
I think one main reason kids don’t tell their parents anything when they are fighting with friends is that things so quickly turn around and if my parents don’t see every detail of the turnaround, then they have this image of this bad kid that did something so mean to their child. I told my mom about something that happened on my soccer team and now her one image of that person is horrible because she’s not actually there. She doesn’t see when the girl does nice things. One girl is kind of tagging along evil and there’s one girl who is actually legitimately evil. The girl who is tagging along, she’s really nice when she’s alone. I told my mom this one incident so my mom tells me that they are a bad crowd.
—Julia, 13
Mark these get-togethers in your calendar; they’re unbreakable dates. You want to establish a pattern that says you’re there just for her, you don’t want to get involved only when there’s a problem, and you’re capable of having a conversation that doesn’t revolve around your role as the enforcer or a logistics coordinator. The younger (starting at a young age is very important now) your daughter is when you start these one-on-one conversations, the more she’ll see that you’re someone she can turn to when she needs support.
Unfortunately, you can’t depend on your daughter coming to you when she’s upset. The older she gets, the less she’ll want to involve you in her problems (often because she considers you one of the main sources). At twelve, she may come crying to you when a girl has been mean to her, but at fifteen, she’ll more likely keep it inside or talk to her friends. Even when she can’t bring herself to approach you and say, “I really need to talk to you,” she may broadcast signals that she wants your help. Here are some signs to watch for:
She hangs around where you are but doesn’t necessarily say anything.
She says she doesn’t feel well and wants to stay home with you, but there doesn’t seem to be anything physically wrong.
You’re about to drive somewhere on an errand and she volunteers to go with you. In the words of Joanna, sixteen, “I like this strategy because she has to focus on driving and can’t freak out about what you’re saying.”
She asks to watch a show with you.
She slips a very casual reference to her problem into the conversation.
She tries to get other people out of the house except you.
If your daughter wants to talk to you but also couches it as “no big deal,” don’t believe her. If she actually wants to talk to you, she’s already telling you that she thinks it’s a big deal. Anytime your daughter wants to talk, pay attention. You’re ready to talk when she’s ready to talk.
In any conversation like this with your daughter, there are two goals. The first is having a productive conversation with her. This means that through the process of your conversation, you want to affirm her and show that you’re a good resource and a nonjudgmental listener. The second is helping her develop realistic strategies to confront her problem effectively. You’ll never accomplish the second goal without the first. Later in the book I’ll walk you through when you need to contact others for additional help (see Resources) but in general, here’s what you say when your daughter approaches you with a problem:
“I’m so sorry that happened.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“Together we’re going to think through a strategy where you feel that you have regained some control in the situation.”
Now let’s break it down a little more:
Affirm your daughter’s feelings. Don’t be a Truth Cop, intent on verifying the accuracy of everything she tells you right away. The facts will come out over time, but your daughter’s emotional truth is what is important, and you should affirm that. Having said that, don’t make this a Hallmark moment where you freak your daughter out by stopping everything you’re doing, look her in the eyes, and make this the most intense bonding moment ever. This is why it can be very effective to have these conversations while you are doing something else, like hiking, driving in the car, shopping, or even sitting in front of the TV.
Don’t use the slang your daughter uses. There’s nothing more ridiculous than an adult who tries to be hip by using teen slang. Slang changes so fast that it’s impossible to keep up anyway. Nevertheless, some parents think that if they use it, they’ll relate to their daughter better. Not true. It only looks like you’re trying too hard—and there’s nothing worse to a teen. If she uses a word you don’t understand, ask her to explain it to you. She may laugh at how clueless you are, but it demonstrates that you respect and are interested in what she has to say and how she describes her world.
Share your own experiences/stories from when you were her age, especially the ones where you made mistakes and learned from them. As a general rule, it’s better to avoid telling stories about your adult experiences because you need to maintain boundaries with her. The purpose of this storytelling is to empathize—”I know what you’ve been through, because something similar happened to me”—not to preach.
Don’t just do something, stand there. In other words, don’t try to fix all of her problems. You want to empower her so she develops the skills to think through and get through her problems. Sometimes your daughter just wants to voice her concerns about something and isn’t looking to fix it right away. If she does want to take action, ask her, “What ideas do you have for fixing this?” “Do you want to sound any of them out with me?” Only after you’ve worked through her ideas might you suggest, “I think I may have some other ideas that could work, too. Do you want to hear them?”
Give her ownership of what she does (good and bad) and let her make mistakes. Even if her solution is completely ridiculous, the fact that it’s her idea means that she’s working toward independence. Encouraging that is more important than making sure she tries the best (i.e., your) solution.
Remember to accept silence. You are her parent. This means that when you discuss difficult or uncomfortable topics with your daughter, she may not respond right away. Don’t think you always need to fill the silence. You can ask her about it after a while by saying, “You just got really quiet when we talked about X; why is that?”
Don’t make fun of her. In your daughter’s most dramatic moments, you may be tempted to make fun of the situation in an attempt to make her realize this problem isn’t the end of the world. This effort will look like you are teasing her. So keep the joking comments to yourself and substitute supportive questions.
What if she says, “Mom, Dad, I’m going to tell you something but you have to promise me you won’t do anything!”
OK, this is one of those moments that prove how incredibly confusing parenting is. Common sense would dictate that you want to make that promise because, if you don’t, your daughter won’t talk to you. And if she won’t talk to you, then you can’t help her. But what if you make that promise and she tells you something you need to do something about? Like a friend who is hurting herself? Then you are in the situation where you would be forced to break a promise—never a good thing.
Here’s the way out. Tell your daughter that while you would love to make that promise, you can’t because if she or someone else is in need of help, you may need to call on a professional or contact a counselor or another parent. But what you can promise is that if you do decide you need to bring someone else in, she will always be informed. She’ll never be surprised and blindsided. In fact, she can help you decide who would be the best person with whom to talk. In my experience, kids don’t stop talking to their parents when their parents make decisions they don’t like—as long as they are respected and brought into the process.
HOW TO STOP THE EYE ROLLING
If your daughter excels in the art of eye rolling, sighing, or crossing her arms, this may be slightly annoying to you. Here’s my suggestion for addressing the problem. At base, your daughter wants something from you—either she wants to do something or she wants you to see her opinion. So this is what you say:
Charlotte, here’s the deal. You want X from me. When you roll your eyes and sigh when I’m speaking, there is no chance you’ll get what you want from me because your behavior is so irritating and disrespectful. But if we can have this conversation without eye rolling, there’s a chance we can come to some kind of agreement. Eye rolling—you have no chance. No eye rolling—you have a shot. So I am going to leave for five minutes, let you think about it, and then we can continue the conversation.
After your conversation, or anytime she’s feeling bad, affirm her and tell her you love her. Do something for her that will make her feel special and taken care of. Buy her flowers or a scented candle. Let her watch a movie—and don’t let anyone else in the family change the channel. If she enjoys them, let her take a bath without her brothers or sisters bothering her.
And please remember you aren’t a bad parent if your child goes to someone for help. The following story demonstrates how allies can bring a parent closer to their child. I received an e-mail from a thirteen-year-old girl who needed advice telling her widowed dad that she had gotten her period and needed extra money to buy tampons. She was too embarrassed to tell him, and he couldn’t figure out why their conversations were ending up in fights and crying. As part of my advice, I suggested she tell a woman she was close to what the problem was so they could go to a store and get what she needed. The girl took my advice and talked to her older cousin, who immediately took her to the drugstore and bought her a six-month supply of tampons. But the cousin also told her mom (the sister of the dad), and then I got this letter.
I feel like a bit of a fool that my own kid had to write to a stranger for help. She was the little girl who began her period. I guess I am what you call old-fashioned. I run a construction company full of men. My daughter has really been one of the guys till now. I forgot she has different issues than her brothers. But over the past few months, there have been tears and attitude and eye rolling. I was scared she was trying drugs, but her brothers assure me she is not part of that crowd. Last year she got me a Homer Simpson T-shirt on my birthday and I am afraid this is pretty much the level of sensitivity and intelligence you’re dealing with. Thanks for giving her good advice.
—Frank
Many teenagers lie. I’m not saying “all,” because there are some teens who don’t. I, however, was not one of them. When my mother reminisces about my adolescence, it always begins with, “You give birth to this wonderful kid and you can never imagine in your wildest dreams that this person that you love so much would lie to you. And then they do. All the time.” I did—I lied to my mother all the time. Even when I didn’t need to. I lied about everything: where I was going, who I was going with, why I wanted to go in the first place. I lied when there was no reason to lie. I just didn’t want her to know anything about what was going on in my life. Not all girls are as bad as I was, but I’ve yet to meet a girl who is always honest with her parents. Don’t take it personally if your daughter lies to you. I know that’s hard. I’ve had students I’ve been very close with who have lied. It’s very hard to take, and it made me incredibly angry. But lying is often about testing boundaries—your own and the authority figures in your life and/or wanting something so badly that you’ll do anything to make it happen—including deceiving the people whom you perceive to be standing in the way. I’m not excusing it, but it needs to be seen in context so you can hold your child accountable for the right reason in the right way.
She bases every lie on a grain of truth. This truthlet can be used later if she’s caught, and she’ll hang on to it for dear life. This is why a girl can be so self-righteous when she’s caught.
She is a detail queen. When she’s trying to hide something from you, she overloads you with so many details that you end the conversation completely confused.
She approaches you when you’re distracted and/or tired.
She gets friends to back up the story. (You can undermine this strategy by developing close relationships with the parents of your daughter’s friends, as I’ll describe shortly.)
She truly believes what she’s saying.
She’s angry with you for something else, so she feels justified in lying.
My mom recently got divorced and I was really upset about it. So I thought it was totally okay for me to tell her I was sleeping at my girlfriend’s house when I was really at my boyfriend’s house.
—Molly, 15
Some parents believe they have the magic power to look their daughter in the eye and the truth will come spilling out. Maybe. If you’re really good, your daughter may crumble under the stern, unflinching parental lie detector. But a good liar can pass this test easily. A good liar is cool and collected and continues to hold her ground no matter what
So here’s how you figure it out.
Trust your gut—if it sounds funny, it is.
When she tells you her plans, stop what you’re doing and pay very close attention to what she says she’s doing, where, when, and with whom. Write it down and keep a copy of your school directory or other lists handy (see Reconnaissance Strategies section) to double-check parents’ numbers.
If your daughter tells you she’s going to be at a friend’s house, there’s a very good chance she is—for about five minutes. Just enough time to go into her friend’s house, check out what her friend is wearing, borrow some clothes, grab something to eat, and then they’re out the door to their real destination: a party, a boyfriend’s house, or some other place you’d rather she not go. Some girls will try to weasel their way out of trouble by telling their parents they’re sleeping over at a friend’s house. Technically, she isn’t lying, because eventually she planned to end up back at the house where she said she’d be. How was she supposed to know the party she went to would be so far away that she got stuck there, and that the party got so out of control that another parent called you at three in the morning?
If you suspect something like this could be afloat, here’s what you do. Of course, confirm the sleepover with the friend’s parent. But if you forget or tried to and didn’t get in touch in time, here are some backup strategies: the easiest, of course, is to drop her off and actually go into the house and talk to the parent. But if you’re not dropping her off, when your daughter arrives at the friend’s house, she must call you using her cell phone and hand the phone to the other parent, who will confirm what your daughter has said. If you get any evidence that your daughter is lying to you, like you run into another parent at the grocery store who tells you “how surprised she was that you let your daughter go to the concert tonight,” you immediately call your daughter and report what has just been said to you. Ask her if any part of what that parent reported is true or any part of what she told you is untrue. If she’s steadfast in her denial, remind her that there are consequences for breaking rules but once she lies to you the consequences are going to be way more severe. Ask her again and then tell her that just so everyone’s clear, you are on the way to meeting her so she can tell you to your face.
You don’t, nor should you!
—Fran, 17
What’s the difference between lying and sneaking? Think of lying as untruthful words and sneaking as untruthful actions.
What Makes a Good Sneak?
She takes advantage of your exhaustion, distractibility, and denial that she would sneak behind your back in the first place.
She has strategic backup plans. If the first plan to sneak out of the house doesn’t work, she always has an alternative.
She’s patient and intelligent. She can think three steps ahead to get what she wants.
Let’s say you’ve told your daughter that she can’t go to a party because she’s not old enough. If your daughter easily accepts your decision and it’s clearly contrary to what she wants, she could be placating you and planning to sneak behind your back. Don’t take it personally. She isn’t sneaking against you. She just thinks that what she wants is way more important than anything you have to say.
You know what would be funny? Put a tracking device on your daughter so you could compare where she tells you she’s going and where she actually goes.
—Zoe, 17
If you don’t trust your daughter, admit it. But be very clear about why before you talk to her. If she really can be trusted, but you’re having a hard time with her growing independence, you have to own up to that. She has to earn your distrust by her actions, not because of your own baggage or because you think teens are inherently untrustworthy. It’s a painful fact of life that your daughter may lie and sneak, but to be a good parent, you’re still going to need to know what’s going on in her life. You need to lay a pipeline for a reliable flow of information from credible sources. You need reconnaissance strategies.
Become friendly with the parents of your daughter’s friends. This doesn’t mean you have to be BFFs, but you need to know you can go to them when necessary. At the least, get their e-mail addresses and cell numbers. But if you can get together with these parents at all, like having a potluck dinner or meeting for dinner, drinks, or coffee, that would be even better. Knowing that her parents and her friends’ parents are meeting on a regular basis may make your daughter slightly paranoid, which is exactly what you want.
If your school has a directory, keep a hard copy in a secret place because some girls have been known to hide them so it’ll be harder for you to contact other parents or school personnel. For example, label a folder “Taxes 2007” and keep it there. Most public schools don’t have these directories, so try to pull together as comprehensive a phone list as possible from the sports team roster, Girl Scout troop list, church group, and so on.
Whenever possible, get as complete a list as possible of your daughter’s friends’ cell phone numbers and keep them in a secret place. Although I went into cell phones in much greater detail in the technology chapter, suffice it to say that if your daughter has a cell phone, you may feel reassured that you can reach her and vice versa when necessary. But cell phones also make reconnaissance much more difficult. It’s common for girls to give their parents their friends’ cell numbers and lie about where they’re supposed to be. So keep these numbers handy for comparison.
Everyone has a cell phone. It’s simple to say you’re going to someone’s house and then give your parents an alternate number of one of your friend’s phones; I’ve made my friends change their voice mails. I’m brilliant!
—Molly, 16
When parents tell me that they “accidentally” found their daughter’s diaries when they were cleaning their rooms or just happened to run across their daughter’s private e-mail, I just laugh. They sound just like their daughters when they’re caught doing something they weren’t supposed to do. And just as you don’t believe her when she gives you a ridiculously weak excuse, she doesn’t believe you either. Believe me, you don’t have to read her diary or go through her e-mails to find out what’s going on with her. She’ll tell you what you need to know if you follow the strategies in this chapter. The only time I can possibly see a reason for reading a diary or an e-mail is if your daughter has totally shut down, you have followed the communication strategies in this book, you’re getting nowhere, and you’re really worried she’s doing something dangerous to her health.
I say things in my diary that I don’t mean all the time. It’s not like you’ll write when you walked the dog, did your homework, and went to bed. You write in your journal when you’re very happy, very miserable, or very angry.
—Paloma, 16
The issue of privacy and trust between parent and child is immense. Here’s how I suggest you think about it. Your child thinks of her privacy as her most precious treasure. When you violate her privacy, it feels like you are stealing that treasure away. Now, there are times when you have no choice but to violate her privacy (which is almost always when you don’t trust what she’s saying), but you need to be very thoughtful and considered when you take such a huge step. Because you can’t do it that many times without it seriously backfiring on you; that is, she stops trusting you entirely and really starts lying and sneaking behind your back.
The other challenge is that some kids would never consider sneaking and lying in the way I describe. Some kids do it once, feel really bad about it, and never do it again. Some develop a pattern where it’s all they do. So here’s another conversation you can try:
I respect your privacy. But the way you are acting [describe exactly what she’s doing] is making me feel I have no choice but to second-guess what you are telling me. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to constantly read your text messages, Facebook page, call other parents, etc., but you aren’t giving me a lot of options here. So you and I have to figure this out; what do you want to do?
The reconnaissance has paid off, and you’ve caught your daughter lying. The only thing more difficult than talking to your daughter when she’s upset is when she’s done something wrong. Some girls are amazingly good at dodging and evading. When they’re caught and they know they’re going to get in trouble, they’ll obsess on their evasion tactics. You, too, should be similarly focused, but in a more positive direction.
Here’s the trick: information is power. Never let your anger get the best of you, because then you’ll be more likely to divulge what you know. Approach your daughter with the strategy that you really want her opinion about what happened and knock down her defenses. By doing this, you demonstrate that you respect her perspective (note that I didn’t say agree), but you’re also getting as much information as possible without letting on what you know. Any girl worth her weight will know when she’s in trouble. The key is to first figure out how much her parents actually know. There may well be things you don’t know. Her goal is to keep it that way.
Write down what your daughter is saying as she’s saying it. I know this sounds over the top, but you’ll notice any contradictions in her story much more quickly. You’ll also have a record, so she can’t deny you said something you’re sure you said or vice versa. Girls take advantage of how tired and distracted parents are, so it may make her nervous and she may lash out and accuse you of not trusting her. If you don’t trust her, remember, it’s okay to admit it. Or at the least, don’t lie and tell her you do when you don’t. Just tell her you want to make sure you get her side of the story.
Either wait until later, or ask her to join you in the kitchen. Saving face is very important to your daughter. If you confront her in front of her friends, you’ll embarrass her and she’ll snap—most likely at you. Think of it this way: she knows you’ll always be her parent, so there’s more freedom in how she can treat you. That’s a downside to being a parent who’ll always be there, and your daughter may take your relationship for granted. Her friends are different. She constantly has to prove herself to them. One way she can do this is if she shows how independent she is by talking back to you. You’re not giving in to her or letting her get away with something if you wait until she’s alone. In fact, waiting is a punishment unto itself. Remember when you got in trouble? Often the worst part was when you knew you were caught and were waiting for the ax to fall.
If you do have good reason not to trust her, tell her why. Describe the specific actions that led to your suspicions, explain how you feel and what you want, and what she can do to gain back your trust. Remember, your daughter may give you incremental information. Give her the space to do it. Whether she’s in trouble with you or she’s had a bad experience that she wants to share with you, she’ll probably parcel out the story in chapters, if not sentences.
You found out an hour ago that your daughter has lied to you about where she went last night. She told you she was at a friend’s house, but she went out with her friend and some boys. You found out when a mother called you, thinking her daughter was sleeping over at your house. You’ve taken some time to calm down and plan your strategy.
YOU: I want to talk about what happened last night. Tell me what you think happened.
YOUR DAUGHTER: How should I know? I don’t even care, because I’m just going to be punished anyway.
YOU: Well, what do you think I think happened?
YOUR DAUGHTER: You think I lied to you; which I didn’t, by the way, because I was supposed to be sleeping over at Maggie’s house and I went out instead. But you didn’t tell me that I couldn’t go out with them and I did sleep over at Maggie’s house.
YOU: You did lie to me because you told me information to mislead me about where you would be. Do you agree or not?
YOUR DAUGHTER: I didn’t lie!
YOU: You’re not answering my question: Did you give me information to mislead me because you didn’t want me to know what you were doing?
YOUR DAUGHTER: Whatever [which means in this context, if you say it that way, I guess you’re right].
YOU: Well, first I want to know why.
YOUR DAUGHTER: Because you’d get mad and I was obviously right because you’re freaking out over nothing.
YOU: I’m freaking out for two reasons. First, you intentionally misled me. Two, by misleading me and Maggie’s parents, no adult knew where you were. I know that was the point, but the reality is when you make decisions like that, if you get in a situation you want to get out of, it may get considerably harder if no one knows where you are.
YOUR DAUGHTER: So what’s my punishment?
YOU: You lied because you wanted me out of your face. The consequence is that I’m now going to be much more in your face. Your lying forces me to act like a controlling parent and treat you like a child. You can’t use the phone and e-mail for two weeks. And you will have to build back the trust you have lost. I’m not sure how long that’ll take, but I do know that it’ll be a process over time.
Don’t get bogged down in the details so that you’re arguing about whether she sneaked out on Thursday or Friday. The important thing is that if she’s sneaking out, you have to address the issues of dishonesty and safety. You could say:
I know you’re sneaking out of the house. I don’t want to argue about it, but I want you to know that I know it. I could lock you in the room every night and treat you like a child and a prisoner in your own home, but I don’t think that would be an effective way of dealing with this problem, because I’ll become the enemy and you’ll sneak out whenever you get the chance. I assume you don’t want to be treated like a child, yet you’re forcing me to treat you like one. If you continue to sneak out then I’ll worry about you until I know you’re safe, and I won’t trust you. Then we have a relationship of mutual distrust and you see the house as a prison. So what do you want to do about this?
If she doesn’t back down and have a reasonable conversation with you after you’ve said this, then take away something concrete or a privilege that you do have control over. Remind her that the reason you are treating her like a child is because her actions leave you no alternative.
It’s very clear what girls consider the worst punishment. Time and time again, they all say the same thing. The worst punishment is losing your respect and disappointing you and taking away their ability to communicate with their peers. Countless girls have told me a variation on the quotes below:
I have deep respect for my dad and I talk to him about it a lot. The worst punishment he could give me is to lose his respect and trust in me.
—Jane, 16
I hate when I get into trouble because my mother cuts off my computer and cell phone. I don’t know anything that’s going on!
—Claire, 14
Anytime you take away your daughter’s ability to communicate with her peers, it’s a serious punishment. Putting a hold on e-mail and phone and grounding her so she can’t go out—all these consequences hurt where it matters most to girls. And no matter what, don’t hand down a punishment and then change your mind or don’t enforce it—unless you want to lose all credibility as her parent.
Overall, my general strategy when disciplining children (either my own or my students) is to frame my response in this way:
Tell them exactly what they did that was a problem.
Tell them that those specific actions are against what I believe in (as their mom or a teacher).
Tell them specifically what privilege will be taken away and for how long.
Give them a “way out;” that is, a way to make amends that will make them and me proud.
Frequently girls will ask me to share things with their parents that are a little too difficult to tell their parents themselves. Here are the girls’ most common requests to tell you:
I wish my parents …
Dropped me off and picked me up at places on time. This is a very big deal!
Taught me more about my culture.
Asked to meet my friends.
Let go of stereotypes about other races and religions.
Let me have the freedom to make more choices.
Stopped worrying about my messy room.
Were more patient with me.
Paid more attention to their own lives.
Understood that I want freedom but we can still be close. I’m my own person. Don’t limit my abilities or who I am, let me follow my intuition and be supportive.
Knew I really want to make them proud of me.
And what do they really want me to make sure I tell you about how to communicate with her?
I wish my parents …
Had more real conversations with me.
Told me when they’re proud of me.
Talked to me more about what I’m passionate about.
Understood that when I need to be left alone, my bedroom door is shut. This means I really need to be left alone. Your interference will only make me more irritated.
My parents need to know …
That sometimes we just want to vent, but that doesn’t mean we want you to interfere.
I don’t want them to e-mail all the other parents about some problem I am having! It only makes it worse!
I do want to talk to you but not about everything. If it was my fault or I’m superinvolved, I’ll probably wait until after it was resolved to tell you.
Sibling loyalty can be stronger than parental loyalty. I might not tell you something my siblings don’t want you to know.
My dad is very sexist with me sometimes. I hate it. For example, my younger brother can talk to girls on the phone without no one bugging or interrupting him to ask who he is talking to. But when I’m on my cell they are constantly telling me to get off the phone and especially when they think I’m talking to a guy.
What works:
When I have problems I go to my mom usually because she doesn’t give me specific ways to deal with it; she says, “I have some suggestions.”
She always listens and pays attention. And she says, “I love you,” even if I do something wrong. And she’s read a lot of books.
I feel more comfortable with my dad because with my dad he’s not really “let’s go tell the teachers,” he’s more like “let’s talk about this or try this to make it better.” Often I go to my dad to complain about stuff because he listens. I can tell my dad anything.
She gives me steps. She says, “If this doesn’t work, then try that,” and “What do you think will work better?”
My dad makes me laugh. It makes me relax.
Taking to my grandfather. I know he’s older but he seems to understand what’s going on.
Talking to my babysitter. She doesn’t give me advice. She just listens to me and lets me figure it out. Plus, my mom’s so involved in the school that I just can’t.
What doesn’t:
My mom is so intense that I don’t tell her much. If I do, it’s when I see someone else do something I don’t like. If I know I’m involved deeply like it was my fault or I really made a mistake, then I don’t tell because then she’ll really be on my back. So I only tell her things when I know she’d be happy if I tell her that I’ve done the right thing.
If I go to my mom, she tells me to stop whining.
When I give my mom a situation, either she gets crazy or she immediately says we need to talk to your teacher or the principal about this. I say, “Mom, we don’t need to talk to the principal,” or she just says, “Deal with it.”
For any of this to work, you must practice what you preach. You can do nothing worse to undermine your authority than be hypocritical. Your daughter can smell it on you a mile away. Don’t lay down your values, expect her to follow them, and then act differently yourself. If you gossip about other people (especially other children she knows), don’t expect her to do anything different. If you lie or sneak around, expect her to do the same. If you make a mistake and don’t own up to it, don’t expect her to hold herself accountable. If you’re defensive and refuse to apologize, she’ll be self-righteous. It doesn’t mean you can’t make mistakes and admit that to her (in fact, that in itself can be a great bonding moment for both of you). Being a credible role model depends on you consistently demonstrating the core values you believe in and want her to practice.
Many parents I work with tell me they feel like a failure when their daughter struggles so much and so often. Or they hear me say something in a presentation that is different from what they’ve done. Please let go of all that. The only way you can fail is if you don’t try, you disconnect from her and her world, you don’t hold her accountable for her behavior, or you don’t teach her and role model empathy, thoughtfulness, critical thinking, and the belief that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity. Be kind to yourself. Parenting is often overwhelming, and very few of us are taught to develop effective coping skills.
It’s so hard for us [parents] to be reflective. It’s too painful to be aware of our choices—what we’ve given up and what they’ve embraced. When I look at my own daughter, I often feel like a failure. I feel responsible and guilty that I can’t fix her pain, I can’t fix society overnight, and I can’t find her the help she needs.
—Kara
There’s so much shame when your daughter has problems. Other parents talk about their kids’ activities and school. It’s so hard to discuss what’s going on because I feel different and that everyone else is perfect. Part of me knows better and part of me wonders …
—Michaela
I went to a couple of parent meetings and talked about the problems my daughter was having with other girls. All I got was stony silence or people being nice in a patronizing way by expressing sympathy at best, but never suggesting that what I or my daughter are going through has ever happened to them or their daughters. Never did I hear “I know what you mean—this happened to my daughter.” So I felt like a freak, and didn’t trust what other parents would say about her, so I shut my mouth.
—Susan
I went to a parenting class and I was really glad I went. Not just for the strategies I learned but because so many parents were going through the same problems.
—Belle
You are not alone. If you reach out, you will find a community of parents that will support you through the hardest moments.
Parenting isn’t a popularity contest. You don’t need to be your daughter’s best friend. You need to be her parent by setting limits and holding her accountable when those limits are broken. Even if she says she hates your interference and accuses you of violating her privacy, rest assured her hatred is temporary and will be replaced with respect as she gets older. If you continue to be a Loving Hard-Ass Parent, no matter how much of a pain in the butt she is now, she’ll apologize later, thank you, and raise her own kids well. Now we’re ready to go back to Girl World and take a closer look at how girls enforce the rules on a daily basis. It’s the way girls get tossed out of the raft—the Beauty Pageant.