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April 4, 1992
The doctor just left.
The girls are fine. That’s as much as I’ll say there.
As for Wendell, well... Wendell is... accepting. He’s accepting, though I don’t know why. I feel angry. Everything was perfect before. Now this. I could punch a hole in the wall, I could. Where was I?
It’s like a recurring dream, but the faces are different.
It’s my fault. I had control and lost it. I let it slip through my fingertips. I was distracted, admittedly. All the work. And all the play. Wendell is mad at me, probably. He should be. I deserve it. IT. Now it’s become a monster. I can’t allow that. It is not an it. Oh! He? She?
Wendell says leave “it” alone. Let go and let God! He’s fine with embracing the natural course of events. He loves me. He loves the girls. To him, there’s nothing more. No reason for a big, bad change. But he has not been down this road before. Not like me.
Lord, Your will is what got us here. I hate to even write this, but I can’t bear it, Lord. You’ve slapped me in the face. It’s unacceptable. Unsustainable. Unfair. Un-everything, Lord.
And yet, I trust You.
Besides! I’m Nora Hannigan, and You made me a planner, and so I have a plan.
Arizona, where Roberta lives. She’s my sister. She’ll help. I haven’t spoken with her yet, because Wendell won’t go. I’m not sure he’ll want us to go, either. He says if I go and take the girls then he’ll stay with his parents. It feels like a threat, but it’s not. He refuses to be alone, of course. He hates to be alone. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t mind this little surprise, this little intrusion. The more the merrier. It’s something Wendell says.
I would say it, too, if I hadn’t already been down this dark and deathly road. I would say it if it were true! But these things never turn out merrily. You know it as well as I do. That’s why it’s a commandment, right, Lord? That’s why you punished me before.
But I can’t stay. Not now. I might come back. If things fall into place, I might come back and resume this life, if Wendell won’t mind if I change the story. I have to change the story.
But if I don’t change the story, what will I do? Or what if Roberta won’t have us? Should we even be traveling? That’s a question for the doctor.
Maybe I’ll buy another place. Something away from town, inland. A farm or something. Or, I could go to Arizona, after all. I could do both! My God, we have the money now. I could do both! Wendell won’t mind a new project. He loves it. He loves us. He wants us to be happy. No, he probably doesn’t care about the shame, but I care. I care for us.