Chapter I:
Crownsville

I MUST HAVE swooned, though for how long I could not begin to fathom, except to hope that my invocation had cast me upon the shores of The Boss’s far-distant century.

Simplest plans make for the best plans, and mine was the very image of simplicity itself: find The Boss and kill him before he could journey to my era; and if I could wreak calamity upon his own era in retribution, as he had done unto mine, I would consider justice to be well served.

Upon regaining my senses, the pain had gone. So had my wounded brother, my dead nephew, and every man and woman in my escort. Gone, too, were the carnage and stench of battle (another mercy, to be sure), the oak, the river, and the plain.

These familiar sights were replaced by a village of sorts, and yet not like unto any village I had ever seen. The buildings seemed comely enough, and clustered in great numbers, but they were insubstantial, as if the first strong wind might blow them flat.

The freshening breeze drew my attention to a banner overarching the street. Rather than a device of beast or bend, however, this odd, glistening cloth bore words penned in ornate strokes: “Welcome to the Revel Grove of Crownsville!”

Said grove proved to be aptly named. I could not turn in any direction without seeing shops selling clothing, footgear, hats, adornments, furniture, armor, weapons, tankards, crockery, tapestries, and many other items whose form and function I knew not; interspersed at convenient intervals stood shops whence wafted the scents of roasted meat, fresh-baked bread, pungent ale, and other enticing aromas; some stages featured players bearing quaint barbaric-sounding names like “Puke & Snot”, spouting endless jests to their enraptured audiences, while upon other stages more serious dramas were being enacted.

To the smith, glass-blowers, falconers, and archers I paid little heed, having watched their kind at work many times before. I stood amazed, however, by a young man named Johnny Fox IV as he swallowed and then removed a curved sword without eviscerating himself. ’Twas no illusion. His man-apple moved this way and that with the sword’s passage down and then back up through his gullet.

Everywhere wandered jugglers, tumblers, singers, sorcerers, pipers, lutists, flutists, friars, beggars, tellers of fortunes, and unfortunate fools.

Yet this village of Revel Grove in the district of Crownsville was surpassed in strangeness by its populace. Some strolled abroad arrayed in raiment similar to my own; but the remainder wore clothing of an altogether unknown fiber, weave, and cut. At first I bethought these folk the peasantry of this realm, but their garments seemed in excellent repair and were far too clean to suggest an occupation of hard toil. Their merry demeanors convinced me I had by mischance stumbled into an entire realm of fools.

As I made my way down the street named Queen’s Path, marveling at the conspicuous yet welcome lack of horse and dog droppings and otherwise trying to understand my mysterious environs, my conclusions became twofold.

Firstly, if my spell had cast me into The Boss’s era and realm, then by all appearances it lay not so very far removed from my own. And secondly, whatever the nature of this realm called Crownsville, its denizens had to be celebrating some event of the sort commemorated by much barter of foods and fripperies. I had heard tell of such happenings among the wild Picts of the northern marches, though most of these Crownsville folk sounded quite unlike any Pict ever to visit my realm.

“Whoa, lady! Ragin’ ’tume!”

It took me the space of several breaths to realize that the leather- and chain-clad—not chain-mail, but chains draped at odd intervals across his body—creature had dared to speak to me. When my sternest countenance failed to send him scurrying away and did not erase his foolish leer, I said:

“Begone, thou leprous varlet, else I shall have thy tongue cut out.”

I meant the threat most sincerely, even if it fell upon me to do the cutting; I am not unversed in these matters. By custom, I carry a dirk concealed upon my person for such occasions.

He grinned all the wider and displayed his tongue, which had been pierced through with a small silver ball.

I wanted nothing more than to have disemboweled him where he stood; but lacking my usual complement of retainers had placed me at an uncomfortable disadvantage, so I fixed upon him one final disapproving glare, gathered my cloak about me, and strode away.

“Hey, bitch, what’s your prob?”

I smelled, rather than saw, that the varlet had not vacated my vicinity.

I knew not this disgusting creature’s precise meaning, but his epithet rang clearly. Palpable power coursed through my veins, craving release. I had not suffered such an insult to my royal person in my entire recollection. The denizens of Gore know well the extent of my powers and my will to unleash them.

’Twas all too apparent this fool did not.

However, in deference to the as yet unseen monarch of this realm, I chose to curb my magical display to a level that would neither kill nor maim, in spite of my preference to the contrary.

I affixed my gaze to his, smiled my most enchanting smile, and with the merest twitch of my hand I said: “Thou shalt go forth from this place in a demeanor of abject humility, and never accost me or anyone else with thy rude speech.”

The varlet opened his mouth as if to defy my command; but before any words could spew forth, he halted, mouth yet open still, and the defiant light in his eyes dimmed to docility. He bowed as low as any proper courtier, his chains emitting a pleasant soft ringing. Gaze averted, he said, “I—I’m sorry, my lady. I’ve gotta go now.” His tone sounded subdued, if mayhap a trifle confused. Flicking my fingers, I gifted him with another magical nudge. “That is, my lady, if I have your leave.”

“You do,” I replied; he had neither straightened his bow nor lifted his gaze.

At that he did both and all but tripped on his chains in his haste to absent himself from my presence. I observed his departure with no small sense of satisfaction as he lurched toward the town’s gates and disappeared past the guards into the fields beyond.

Loud applause burst forth from the nearby onlookers.