Coping with Grief

Almost anyone who has ever shared life with a pet will understand the sense of loss you feel. Be prepared, though, for the people who will inevitably say, “It’s only a cat,” and won’t be able to relate to the depth of your pain. Even if your cat had been a member of your family for twenty years, there will always be those people who don’t understand the deep connection between humans and their cherished pets. My advice is to surround yourself with the friends and family who do understand.

Until you actually experience the loss, you don’t know how you’re going to react. I’ve known owners who were shocked at how deeply they grieved. The emotions experienced over the loss of a pet can equal those for the loss of a human.

Don’t try to rush the grieving process. Your cat was a beloved member of the family, a cherished friend, a constant companion who gave unconditional love. It will take time to heal, but believe me, healing does indeed happen. Eventually, you’ll be able to think of the memories without them being so raw and overpowering. In time, those memories will bring warm feelings and smiles as you fondly remember that very special friend.

If you feel unable to cope or just need a sympathetic ear, there are various pet loss support lines available. I’ve listed some in the back of this book. Many veterinary universities offer this service. If you’d rather confine your communication to the computer, you can find online groups where people feeling the same depth of pain can come together.

There are also several books available on coping with pet loss. You’ll find books for your children as well as for yourself.

Helping Your Children

One thing that disturbs me when it comes to how some people help their children through this process is when they immediately get a “replacement” pet. Instead of teaching children that pets are disposable and easily replaceable, we should be helping them through this difficult time without trivializing the value of an animal’s life.

If your children are old enough to understand, offer clear, honest explanations of what has happened to the pet. Don’t go into graphic detail but don’t say things such as “the cat ran away” or “the cat went to sleep.” Don’t tell a child that the cat was sick or injured and died without going on to explain that not all sickness and injury result in death.

Have children plan a memorial for the cat to help them deal with their grief and any unanswered questions. Provide support for your children and explain that crying and grief are normal. For a lot of children, this will be their first experience with loss and death.

IDEAS FOR HELPING CHILDREN GRIEVE

• Ask your children to write a tribute to the cat. It can be a poem, essay, favorite memory, etc. They can work on one piece together or write individual tributes. Place the written tribute in a double frame that contains a favorite picture of the cat.

• If your children like to draw, have them paint a picture of the cat. Talk to them about their picture and what a special tribute it is.

• Frame a favorite picture of each child with the cat. Each child can pick out their own special frame or they can decorate their own frames.

• Donate money in your cat’s name to a favorite charity or animal welfare organization. Have your children choose the organization. If your children have piggy banks, they may want to donate some of their own money.

• Plant a special tree or garden plant in honor of the cat. Place a memorial stepping stone there as well. Your children can help in the selection of the plant and the stone.

• There are several books published for children on the subject of losing a pet. Find one that is age-appropriate for your children and set aside some quiet time to read the book together and then have a discussion afterward.

• In the case of a deceased pet who belonged to a relative, neighbor, or friend your children can draw or write a sympathy card. You can also find pet sympathy cards at your local card store.

When Your Cat Dies Suddenly

It’s difficult enough to prepare ourselves for euthanizing an old or terminally ill pet—the thought of dealing with a sudden death can be unbearable. No one wants to think about it, but sudden, unexpected deaths happen. Cats slip out the door and get hit by cars, attacked by other animals, or killed by cruel people. Cats also fall out of windows. When the death is unexpected, you experience shock, denial, and anger. You may find yourself blaming the people you hold responsible (the veterinarian, the driver of the car, yourself). In the case of negligence, seek advice and take the correct course of action. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you in a situation where you run the risk of doing something you will regret. When in a highly emotional state, taking matters into your own hands will only make a tragedy even worse. Speak to a lawyer if you feel legal action is warranted.

Sometimes pets die accidentally and it’s not anybody’s fault. As careful as you try to be, the cat may bolt out the door when a visitor comes in. She may run out in the road and get hit by a car. It’s a horrible accident and you may blame yourself more than anyone else involved, but even accidents happen to the most watchful, careful people.

Helping Your Surviving Pets Deal with Loss

The family members who often get overlooked when a death occurs in the family are the other pets. Although it’s not something we can positively verify, animals most likely experience the loss and mourn the absence of their companions. In fact, it’s probably even more difficult for them because they’re confused by your behavior. A pet who sees their owner grieving, crying, and not interacting with them as usual can create anxiety and even depression for them.

Even if the cats weren’t close, the loss can create an unstable environment. You may notice anxiety-related behavior; the cat may seem needy and follow you around. The surviving cat may be restless and not as tolerant. He may also show less interest in family interactions. Every cat is an individual, so the important thing is to watch for behavioral changes.

To help your surviving pets through this difficult time, try to balance affection with casual, light interaction. The cats need to know that much of their normal lives remain intact. They will get through the mourning period much more easily if you display as close to your normal behavior as possible. Although you may not feel much like playing with your cats and acting happy, that’s just what they need. Animals are little emotional sponges and they easily tune into and absorb the way we’re feeling and acting. They also need their familiar routine. If you normally played with your cats at particular times of the day, maintain that schedule for the cat who is left behind. Provide affection and comfort in a gentle, soothing way. Try to avoid clutching, clinging, and sobbing because those are stress-trigger red flags for the cat. Your touch should be soothing and not stressful.

Signs of mourning can include: irritability, loss of appetite, increased vocalizations, withdrawal from family, anxiety-related behaviors, inappropriate elimination, and increase in sleeping patterns.

Don’t overlook your pets during this difficult crisis. They need you. For more information on depression, see Chapter 7.

Should You Get Another Pet?

This is another one of those personal decisions that only you can answer. If you’ve dealt with the loss of your pet and feel ready to open your heart again, there will certainly be a pet out there in need of a loving home.

When is the right time to get another pet? Only you can answer that. My advice, though, is to not try to replace the cat who died. Searching for another cat with the same looks or personality isn’t fair to the memory of your beloved cat and it certainly isn’t fair to the new cat. The newcomer will never be able to live up to your expectations as you compare her to the loving companion you had for so many years.

If you have pets at home, make sure they’ve dealt with the loss before trying to introduce another pet. If they’re still in crisis, they’re likely to be more hostile toward any new additions.

Providing for a Cat in the Event of Your Death

Even though in your eyes your cat is a bona fide member of the family, in the eyes of the legal system she’s merely personal property. As much as she may be far more deserving than any of your relatives, you can’t leave your estate to your cat. That doesn’t mean you can’t provide for her—in fact, you should. Although we don’t think of our pets in terms of outliving us, it can and does happen.

You can leave your cat and money to care for her to someone as specified in your will. Because of the chance that the person chosen could take advantage of this situation, it obviously needs to be someone you truly trust. Talk it over with that person and be sure you’re both comfortable with this, then discuss it with your lawyer. It has to be arranged so the person will be able to immediately get possession of the cat after your death without having to wait for the will to be read.

You may decide to have two caregivers—one immediate short-term one (who may be geographically close) and then one long-term one. This way, if the long-term caregiver needs time to make arrangements to come and get the cat, your kitty will be taken care of right away.

Work with a lawyer who does estate planning. If you don’t have formal instructions for the care of your cat, she will become the property of an heir who inherits your belongings. This may not be the person you want taking care of your cat. That’s why it’s so important to make these arrangements formal and legal.

Don’t arrange for one lump monetary sum to be given to the caregiver. Instead arrange for regular payments. This way, if something happens to the caregiver, there will be money left for the next caregiver of your cat. Make sure that when you set this up, you have at least two trusted people who are willing to be caregivers because an individual’s personal circumstances can change and the desire to care for your cat may no longer exist.

Something to also think about is whether you might be able to be a caregiver for someone else’s cat. It might be a good arrangement to mutually make with a trusted cat-owning friend. If you have a friend who hasn’t yet thought of a plan for his/her cat, it would be helpful to offer some guidelines. I’ve seen so many sad situations where an owner didn’t plan for the unexpected and a beloved cat has ended up euthanized, in a shelter, or passed along to an inappropriate relative.

Also, discuss with your lawyer how to set it up so someone will be able to legally come in and care for your cat in case you’re hospitalized. Once all the legal aspects have been taken care of, you should take the time to make sure your cat’s emotional needs will be met as well. Sit down and write out instructions for the person who would be caring for your cat. Besides the usual things such as what kind of food, how much to feed, how often, litter preferences, veterinarian’s contact information, etc., include the more personal things. What games does your cat like? How does she like to be petted? Is she afraid of certain things? Does she love to sit in the window all day? How do you groom her? Write down all the things that will not only help the new owner but will also help your cat make a less traumatic transition.

Keep the letter with your cat’s supplies as well as provide a copy to the person. Periodically update the information as needed.