Paige White Interview
PRODUCER: It must have been hard, having so many people initially suspect you of harming Zanna.
PW: It was hard. Some people seemed convinced I had something to do with it. Me! Her best friend. There were the true crime bloggers, tearing everything about our friendship apart. Small things Zanna said about me in times of silly fights being brought up by her mother, and Gianna. People I know and strangers questioning me, my motives. Asking where I was at the time. There were some wild theories. There still are to this day. Sorry.
[Takes a tissue to blot her tears.]
It was awful. Just awful. Not only have you recently lost someone you love, someone you live with, someone who has been your best friend for years, practically your family, then some sick people have these dark, twisted, horrible things to say. I don’t know what would compel someone to say something like that, to accuse someone of something so . . . so evil. And it’s even harder to countenance because, you know, there was no evidence, it was such a clear-cut case.
People thought, well, they had suspicions. I guess they always will. It’s so much more exciting isn’t it, shade and corruption. Women with knives in each other’s backs, it’s such a cliché. I hate it. People seem to think it’s normal for female friends to turn on each other. It’s a toxic, sexist belief. They love to see women fucking other women over for entertainment. That’s especially why, in the real world, women need to stand together, and look after each other. That’s partially why I kept the blog going. Because it represented mine and Zanna’s amazing work together. We were feminist and sex positive for women, were all about girl power, making girls feel like they could do anything. Achieve their dreams in a male-dominated world.
To then be accused of having done something to hurt Zanna, something like that cuts into your soul. It hurts because it is so not what we were about. We celebrated women’s successes, we would never do anything to tear another woman down.
And I would never have physically hurt Zanna. I’d never physically hurt anyone, I mean, look at me. I’m five foot three and I can’t bicep curl six kilograms. But more than that, I’m not a violent person. I’ve never laid a hand on her, or anyone.
PRODUCER: And it still goes on to some extent — these accusations of you.
PW: [Nods.] Sadly, yes it does. People love to tell stories; the more salacious the better. People get attached to narratives. That’s why I’m so happy we’re doing this documentary. When it goes live, people will be able to see the whole truth. I will be able to put the past behind me. I said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’ll say it till I run out of breath. I never hurt Zanna.
PRODUCER: Both Angela and Gianna have claimed things weren’t always so perfect between you and Zanna, shown us texts. What do you say to that?
PW: Look, nothing is ever perfect, is it? You can’t apply a filter to life, can you?
PRODUCER: [Laughs.] You certainly can’t.
PW: Sometimes Zanna and I argued. Sometimes over the blog — and yes, I can imagine there were times Zan was frustrated and wanted to fire me. There were times I wanted to quit. They were small, silly arguments mostly. Normal arguments all girlfriends have. Like siblings fighting. I tried to be the friend she deserved. That’s what’s important, what we should all do.
PRODUCER: And why have you not been entirely honest about that, in the past?
PW: For Zanna.
[Pause.]
And for the sake of justice being done. I didn’t want to draw attention to the fact we argued. It was just so silly when Zanna had been killed by a dangerous man. That was the issue that needed drawing attention to. Not some petty squabbles.
The warring frenemies, it’s such a classic trope, isn’t it? You can see how desperate some people are for that story from the way they’ve held on to the idea that I hurt Zanna. I really didn’t want that to overshadow Zanna’s death. And I didn’t want to play into this old sexist cliché.
PRODUCER: I understand that. One last question, Paige: do you have any regrets?
PW: If there’s one thing I regret, I wish I’d told someone when Santiago cut her off. She was never the same after that moment. I think — perhaps — it’s hard, something like that for someone like Zanna. Me, I mean, I’ve worked for everything I ever had, and I never grew up with money, never had that safety blanket. I’ve had to rely on ingenuity. Zanna, she was heartbroken by that. Really, she was. It changed her. Had that never happened, I don’t think she would have ever entertained Mason, betrayed Shane and ultimately been killed. I feel as though I bear that responsibility. People say it’s not my fault, but it’s hard not to think that sometimes, you know?
PRODUCER: I’m so sorry. Here’s a tissue. Have a moment.
[Paige dabs her eyes.]
PW: Okay. I’m okay to go.
PRODUCER: And so what was the impact of all that on your mental health, of people suspecting you of having something to do with Zanna’s death?
PW: Oh just, just awful.
Trolling like this, you know, it devastates people. I’ve been a person of the internet, as it were, for many years, and even I really struggled to deal with this onslaught. These trolls, so many of whom seemed to think they were doing a good thing by trying to “solve” [Paige uses air quotes] Zanna’s murder are so hypocritical. Trolling ruins lives, causes people to take their own lives. Trolling kills. And these people need to understand that. Not everyone is brave enough to speak out, so I do it for the other victims.
PRODUCER: So, how did you come back to the blog, after Zanna died?
PW: Well, the blog really saved me in a way. It was while I was feeling like there was no hope, no future, that I saw the demand for news on the blog. Prattle users, bless them, they were wanting to know what was happening. They cared so much about Zanna, and that touched me. So, I started by updating them with some Instagram posts. They had such a good response. Then I thought, well, people will want to see what Zanna and I were working on before she died. After that, I suppose, I built my own rapport with the followers and it seemed natural to keep communicating with them in the same way I was when I was writing before — but this time it would be the real face, sorry, my face, alongside my words.
Really, the blog was a lifeline because I was abandoned by Zanna’s family and our old friends. No one called. I was left totally alone. Zanna was my only friend and she was gone. The only person who got in touch was Shane. He’s my rock. The blog and Instagram, it’s all I really have left of Zanna to remember her by. I carried on with the blog to stay close to her, but soon, under my control, it became a very thriving business, and I knew I could use that to keep Zanna’s story alive. Zanna [laughs], well, she was never that good with money.
But now . . . it’s become a huge burden, and I can’t do it for much longer. Fans can expect to see some changes to the contents of the platform going forwards, but I will always keep Zanna alive in my heart.
PRODUCER: And I’m told you have some future plans for the blog?
PW: [Smiles coyly.] Yes, I do.
PRODUCER: Will you share them with us?
PW: Well, I don’t want to say too much at the moment. But it’s very exciting. I’m excited for it, anyway, and I think my followers will be. It’s something new, and I’m a little bit frightened! But it’s been a very long time coming now. So yes, watch this space. I know it’s such an annoying cliché blogger thing to say “some very exciting things are coming”, but — some very exciting things are coming.
I think when a friend dies like this, there is always an element of self-blame. I thought maybe if I’d got her some help after her father cut her off, suggested she see a counsellor, then maybe she wouldn’t have made some of the bad decisions she made, and she’d still be with us. It’s been a struggle all these years, grappling with that. I don’t know how much longer I can dedicate myself to keeping Zanna’s name alive. She’ll always be with me, but maybe it’s time to put her to rest, properly. That means no secrets for me. I think Zanna would be happy to know taking this action was benefitting my mental health.
PRODUCER: So, it will be impacting the blog and the socials?
PW: Yes, absolutely. And, on that . . .
I want to say that I’m so grateful to my followers, collaborators, those who have supported me since Zanna’s death, who stuck by me as I took over the platform on Zanna’s behalf. You’re all making my dreams come true. And mostly, a big thanks to Zanna. Zanna, I couldn’t have done it without you.