Restless nights have always been a part of my life, but tonight, even more so. Every time I think I’m about to drift off to sleep, Beth rouses me in the form of a thought or a worry. I can’t help seeing myself—or seeing her—on the witness stand. I can’t seem to understand everything Dr. Greer told me earlier. Beth has always been here. I’ve seen her. Others have seen her.
Curt met her. How can it be? My mind flashes back to the video. I jolt up as the thought smacks me across the face: Did Curt know?
I’m trying to retrace every piece of my life. I’m trying to piece it together, like a giant jigsaw puzzle, but it seems impossible. Beth is dead.
“Yep. I’m dead,” she tells me.
She’s sitting on the other end of the cot. I flinch.
“Jesus, why are you so jumpy?” she asks, reaching out to poke me, although of course I don’t feel it.
I can’t speak.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asks again.
“Why are you here?” I finally ask her.
“I came to check on you. This whole trial thing is nuts,” she explains.
“I’m fucking insane. You’re dead. I can’t be talking to you.”
“You’re not insane!” she shouts. “Who fucking told you that?”
“Yes. I am. You’re dead,” I tell her sternly.
“Eh, what’s alive anyway? I’m here, aren’t I?” she chides.
“I don’t know!” I shout.
“Shut the fuck up!” a voice yells from down the hall.
“You shut the fuck up!” Beth yells back.
“Stop!” I whisper-shout to her.
“Shit, you’re a mess, Lex. They can’t hear me anyway.”
“How can I relax? If it’s true … if what they are saying is true, then you’re dead and my mind has been doing horrible things. I’ve done horrible things, Beth.”
She sighs. “Oh, come on.”
“Don’t you get it? I would never have hurt him. But you take over me and do horrible things!” I hear my voice rise.
“I’m not kidding, bitch, shut up!” the voice down the hall yells.
Then it hits me.
“Mom. Curt. Susan?” I say aloud, though she already knows. “I killed them. Not you, because you’re dead! How insane is that? I’m crazy.”
“No, you’re not. I’m here. I’m real.”
“No. You’re dead. And I’m sick of this. I’m sick of you doing this. I didn’t mean to kill you, Beth. I didn’t. I just wanted to be able to be alone for one minute,” I tell her. “Didn’t you?”
She looks at me coolly before replying, “No. I was fine waiting for the surgery.”
“What if it never happened?” I ask.
“I was fine with that too,” she says, her expression never changing.
“Well, I wasn’t, but I didn’t mean to kill you. I just wanted to be alone for once.”
“You already mentioned that.”
“I want to be alone now.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes. I do. I want you to leave,” I tell her again.
“Curt wanted this, Alexa.”
“What? No, he didn’t. You need to leave.”
“If I leave now, I will literally never come back,” she states.
I just stare at her.
“No, I’ll never come back. No matter what,” she says.
I turn and stare at her before telling her in my firmest voice, “Get out.”
She stands from the bed and walks toward the door, never turning to look at me. I close my eyes tight, and when I open them, I’m in my cell completely alone.