Chapter 21

Ten Things Never to Do in China

In This Chapter

Understanding Chinese etiquette

Being gracious and humble in social situations

This chapter may save you from certain embarrassment and possibly even outright humiliation one day. It gives you ten important tips on what not to do if you really want to win friends and make a good impression with your Chinese acquaintances. Take my tips to heart.

Never Accept a Compliment Graciously

You may find yourself at a loss for words when you compliment a Chinese host on a wonderful meal and you get in response, “No, no, the food was really horrible.” You hear the same thing when you tell a Chinese parent how smart or handsome his son is; he meets the compliment with a rebuff of “No, he’s really stupid.” or “He’s not good looking at all.” These people aren’t being nasty — just humble and polite. Moral of the story here: Feign humility, even if it kills you! A little less boasting and fewer self-congratulatory remarks go a long way toward scoring cultural sensitivity points with the Chinese.

To deflect a compliment, you can say something like Nálǐ, nálǐ. 哪里哪里. (哪裡哪裡.) (nah-lee nah-lee.) if you’re speaking with someone from Taiwan or Nǎr de huà. 哪儿的话. (哪兒的話.) (nar duh hwah.) if you’re speaking with someone from mainland China. They both mean No, no, I don’t deserve any praise. (Chapter 4 shows you some other ways to reject compliments.)

Never Make Someone Lose Face

The worst thing you can possibly do to Chinese acquaintances is publicly humiliate or otherwise embarrass them. Doing so makes them lose face. Don’t point out a mistake in front of others or yell at someone.

The good news is that you can actually help someone gain face by complimenting them and giving credit where credit is due. Do so whenever the opportunity arises. Your graciousness is much appreciated.

Never Get Angry in Public

Public displays of anger are frowned upon by the Chinese and are most uncomfortable for them to deal with — especially if the people getting angry are foreign tourists, for example. This concept goes right along with the faux pas of making someone (usually the Chinese host) lose face, which I cover in the preceding section. The Chinese place a premium on group harmony, so foreigners should try to swallow hard, be polite, and cope privately.

Never Address People by Their First Names First

Chinese people have first and last names like everyone else. However, in China, the last name always comes first. The family (and the collective in general) always takes precedence over the individual. Joe Smith in Minnesota is known as Smith Joe (or the equivalent) in Shanghai. If a man is introduced to you as Lî Míng, you can safely refer to him as Mr. Lî (not Mr. Míng).

Unlike people in the West, the Chinese don’t feel very comfortable calling each other by their first names. Only family members and a few close friends ever refer to Lî Míng, for example, as simply Míng. They may, however, add the prefix lǎo 老 (laow) (old) or xiǎo 小 (shyaow) (young) before the family name to show familiarity and closeness. Lǎo Lǐ 老李 (laow lee) (Old Lǐ) may refer to his younger friend as Xiǎo Chén 小陈 (小陳) (shyaow chun) (Young Chén).

Never Take Food with the Wrong End of Your Chopsticks

The next time you gather around a dinner table with a Chinese host, you may discover that serving spoons for the many communal dishes are nonexistent. Rather, everyone serves themselves (or others) by turning their chopsticks upside down to take food from the main dishes before putting the food on the individual plates. Why upside down? Because you don’t want to put the part of the chopsticks that goes in your mouth in the communal food bowls everyone eats from.

Never Drink Alcohol Without First Offering a Toast

Chinese banquets include eight to ten courses of food and plenty of alcohol. Sometimes you drink rice wine, and sometimes you drink industrial-strength Máo Tái 茅台 (maow tye), known to put a foreigner or two under the table in no time. One way to slow the drinking is to observe Chinese etiquette by always offering a toast to the host or someone else at the table before taking a sip yourself (yes, before every sip). Toasting not only prevents you from drinking too much too quickly but also shows your gratitude toward the host and your regard for the other guests.

All you need to do is raise your glass with your right hand, holding the bottom of the glass from underneath with your left hand, say the name of the person who you want to toast, look directly at them with a smile, give a nod as a form of respect, and then take a little sip.

If someone toasts you with a gān bēi 干杯 (gahn bay), however, watch out. Gān bēi means bottoms up, and you may be expected to drink the whole drink rather quickly. Don’t worry. You can always say suí yì 随 意 (sway ee) (as you wish) in return and take just a little sip instead.

Never Let Someone Else Pay the Bill Without Fighting for It

Most Westerners are stunned the first time they witness the many noisy, fairly chaotic scenes at the end of Chinese restaurant meals. The time to pay the bill has come, and everyone is simply doing what they’re expected to do — fight to be the one to pay it. The Chinese feel that vociferously and strenuously attempting to wrest the bill out of the very hands of whoever happens to have it is simply good manners. This struggle may go back and forth for a good few minutes until someone “wins” and pays the bill. The gesture of being eager and willing to pay is always appreciated.

Never Show Up Empty-Handed

Gifts are exchanged frequently between the Chinese, and not just on special occasions. If you have dinner in someone’s house to meet a prospective business partner or for any other pre-arranged meeting, both parties commonly exchange gifts as small tokens of friendship and good will. Westerners are often surprised at the number of gifts the Chinese hosts give. The general rule of thumb is to bring many little (gender non-specific) gifts when you travel to China. You never know when you’ll meet someone who wants to present you with a special memento, so you should arrive with your own as well.

Never Accept Food, Drinks, or Gifts Without First Refusing a Few Times

No self-respecting guests immediately accept whatever food, drink, or gift may be offered to them in someone’s home no matter how eager they may be to receive it. Proper Chinese etiquette prevents you from doing anything that makes you appear greedy or eager to receive any offerings, so be sure to politely refuse a couple of times. For example, if someone tries to serve you food, immediately say Zìjǐ lái. 自己来. (自己來.) (dzuh-jee lye.) (I’ll take it myself.). You should do this several times and then let the person serve you anyway. At least he’ll know you didn’t want him to go to all the trouble.

Never Take the First “No, Thank You” Literally

Chinese people automatically decline food or drinks several times — even if they really feel hungry or thirsty. They might say something like bú yòng, bú yòng 不用, 不用 (boo yoong, boo yoong) (no need, no need). Never take the first refusal literally. Even if they say it once or twice, offer it again. A good guest is supposed to refuse at least once, but a good host is also supposed to make the offer at least twice.