No,” I said, her words crashing into me, smashing me to pieces. “No,” I said it again, as if the word could undo it all. “No.”
Rachel licked a bit of wine off her lips. “She was. And she and John took care of it. I had heard some of the art students saying things about Claire and John, but I’d always chalked it up to teenage gossip—a stupid crush. The classes ended, and I stood by John, but then, one day, something he said about Claire, about the way he missed her, what a great student she was, it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up. When he was out getting supplies one afternoon—we were working on a project together, like I said, and I was in his cabin a lot—I checked his search history. He’d been too stupid to delete it. It was from about a month before, right when the talk about the two of them had really kicked into gear. John had searched for Planned Parenthoods in the area. Then he’d looked up one nearby on Google Maps. That’s when I knew.”
I shook my head, not able to process this. “Maybe he was searching for Vera.”
Rachel took another sip of wine. “Believe me. He wasn’t.”
I swallowed back the acid in my throat. “You told her?”
“Vera? God, no. I couldn’t do that to her. I don’t know if she told you, but she’d had a miscarriage herself, before she and John moved here. I couldn’t tell her that a kid, a child, had been carrying John’s baby. But I did tell her that I had reasons to think the rumors were true. I didn’t tell her exactly why—I couldn’t bear to—but I tried to convince her that John wasn’t as honest as she thought he was.”
“And that’s what tore you guys apart?”
Rachel raised her eyebrows. “I can’t blame her. It breaks my heart, but I can’t.”
I shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around all that Rachel had said. It couldn’t be true. I pictured John loading canvas and two-by-fours into his pickup, chopping wood in the backyard. He was good. He had to be. Apart from that one stupid night with me, he was.
“You should have told her,” I said finally. “If you actually thought it was true. Wouldn’t she deserve to know?”
“No,” Rachel said. “I love her too much to do that to her.”
I loved Vera, too. Only this, if this was true, it was huge. This was life-altering. Awful. This changed everything. If Sam had known—or even suspected—of course he’d be angry. Irate. He’d want to kill the guy. Who wouldn’t?
“Have you told this to the police?”
Rachel hesitated.
“You have to,” I said.
She nodded. “I know, I know I have to. I didn’t want to start anything, bring even more attention to Claire. She’s been through enough, and if it was her dad that killed John. God, I can’t even think about it.”
“You need to tell them. Even if you’re wrong, and there was some sort of explanation, if Sam got the same idea you did, they have to know.”
“There’s not another explanation, Lucy.” She lowered her eyes before meeting mine again. “But I will. I’ll call McKnight tomorrow.” She drained her wine. “Do you want another?”
All I wanted was to be home with Dusty, to have a moment to process what she’d told me: Could it really be true? Could John have been that far from the person I thought he was? Could everything I’d believed about him be a lie?
“I should get home,” I said, standing up. “While I can still drive.”
“Okay,” Rachel said. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of this.”
“Promise me you’ll tell the police, though,” I said.
“I swear.”
I shrugged into my coat and grabbed my car keys.
She stood, too, and followed me to the door.
“Lucy,” she said, once I was outside.
“Yeah?”
“Be careful, okay?”
“What do you mean?”
She leaned against the doorjamb. “If you’re right about all of this—and the more you tell me, the more it sounds like you are—Sam can be a very angry guy. You called his wife asking about keys. You followed his daughter out of John’s memorial.” Her eyes caught mine. “Yes, I saw. Just, be as safe as you can. Stay the night with Vera, if you have to.”
I paused. “With Vera?”
“She has a guest bedroom, doesn’t she?”
“Yeah,” I said slowly. “It’s full of John’s things, but yeah.”
Rachel nodded. “All I mean is, you don’t want that man trying to take anything into his own hands, especially if you haven’t reported this to the cops. Keep yourself safe, above everything else.”