I’m neck deep in inventory orders when my phone buzzes with a text from Tucker. The guy does an awesome job manning the bar when I can’t be out front, and I often find myself hoping that when he graduates, he’ll take a full-time bartending job. Unlikely since his major is marine biology and he spends half of every year surveying and studying the whales off the coast and their migratory patterns.
Someday he’ll be that guy, living on a boat for much of his life, wearing rain slickers and clodhopper boots, living his dream.
Which sucks for me because he’ll be hard to replace.
Assuming his text is something work related, I tuck away my spreadsheet and glance at my phone.
Your girl is here waiting for you.
Ashley. My girlfriend. The word doesn’t fit. Doesn’t make my heart bounce like it did even up to a few weeks ago, and I can’t put my finger on why that is. She’s sweet. She’s funny. She’s the most caring person I know. She’s loyal and honest, and she looks at me with large brown eyes full of excitement and hope every time I walk into a room.
I slam my hand to my forehead and groan. “Crap.” I’ve just thought of Ashley in similar terms to the golden retriever I had growing up. I type out a quick thanks to Tucker for letting me know. This order has to be submitted before heading out to see her.
Months ago, I’d met Ashley on a rare night out. She’d been with friends celebrating a bachelorette party at a club downtown, and I’d met her at the bar while she’d ordered a round of blow job shots. I mean, what guy could resist that opening? Especially when she’d blushed twelve shades of pink while placing the order. She delivered the round of shots to her friends, came back to the bar where I was standing with a buddy of mine, requested a water, and we’d spent the rest of the night talking.
I’d liked it. I’d liked being around a woman who wasn’t afraid to show affection or her enjoyment of being with me. Two days later we went for coffee. Then a dinner.
Then I’d felt like a complete asshole when I’d fallen into bed with Caitlin. A woman who was the exact opposite of Ashley in every way. Granted, I’d ended it the next day, but what still sucks is that I hadn’t wanted to. If Caitlin had given me any hint there was a possibility we could move our relationship forward, I would have taken it.
Unfortunately, that pain in my gut when Caitlin walks into Dirty’s where I have to fake I’m totally okay with this new friends-only thing we have going on is starting to become impossible to ignore.
I like Ashley. I have a weekend away planned for us in hopes I can ignite that spark that’s missing in our relationship, the passionate clinging-to-each-other-and-unable-to-keep-our-hands-off-each-other vibe that isn’t quite there for reasons I can’t put my finger on.
Probably because you still want the sexy little fiery redhead who wants nothing but your dick.
Shit. Okay. Yeah. I’m still not over Caitlin. But I also want more. Using Ashley though to search for that more when it’s not there and continuing to string her along probably makes me a dick.
“Damn.” I stare at my phone, wishing I hadn’t seen the text. Ashley is probably stopping in on her way home from work at the hospital. She usually does this when she’s had a bad day.
I need to get my shit together before I see her, figure out what I’m going to do…especially about the upcoming weekend. But the more I think about it, cleaning up the spreadsheets a bit and finalizing the rest of my orders, one thing is for certain.
Dragging her along because I’m not over a woman I can’t have is not the guy I want to be. It’s not the guy I am.
Another groan rolls through my throat as I push out of my chair and leave my office, locking the door behind me. I trust all my workers, but the office is just past the bathrooms, and customers, especially after a few drinks, have a tendency to wander where they shouldn’t.
I head out of the hallway at the back corner, far away from the bar at the other end. Dirty’s isn’t too busy for late afternoon. The semiprivate booths are filled with folks who I assume have skipped out of work early, but the other tables are mostly empty. It’s expected for a late Monday afternoon. Our busiest nights run Thursday through Saturday with a line down the block most weekend nights until midnight. It’s impressive considering we’re just an upscale martini bar and not a nightclub, but I’ve worked my ass off since I bought the place months ago to turn it into a trendy hot spot. It’s cost me an amount of money that makes me want to vomit when I take the time to think about it, but thankfully, the terrifying investment has paid off in returns larger than I could have ever imagined.
My gaze skips down the bar, expecting to see Ashley’s black hair, pulled back into a ponytail, while she sips her favorite appletini. I don’t see her, and a frown furrows my eyebrows while my gaze makes another trek and then stalls.
Caitlin.
Her rich auburn-red hair falls in a silky sheet down her back, and she’s near a corner, turned in such a way that her smile aimed at Tucker does crazy, hot, and swirling things in my chest straight to my dick.
Fuck. You’re a prick, Jonas.
I am. And I can’t deny it because while it would have been nice to see Ashley despite knowing I’m going to end up hurting her, seeing Caitlin is fire and spice. My reaction to her is everything I so desperately want to have with Ashley.
I am so completely screwed.
It takes me a moment to gather my nerves and steel my heart against Caitlin’s beautiful laugh and voice that I’ll hear soon. I slide through the tables and patrons, heading straight to Tucker, now confused by his text.
“Hey, boss.” He flips a towel over his shoulder, his logo for Dirty Martini’s still visible on his black polo shirt.
I barely pay him attention. “Hey there.”
As he speaks, Caitlin’s back straightens like she’s surprised to hear me coming up behind her. She does this frequently. The first time she came into Dirty’s after we ended things, I’d had the strangest hope she was coming to tell me she made a mistake. That she missed me. That she’d do anything to keep me. Instead, she hadn’t shown a single reaction to seeing me kiss Ashley, and she sat down at the bar like nothing had changed. Talk about a blow to my fucking pride.
In the months since I’ve been with Ashley, Caitlin has never acted any differently. She’s never led me to believe letting me walk away is something she regrets. And it sucks that I’m still thinking of her while with another woman, but that doesn’t mean if she would have said anything, I’d act on it. I might obviously be stringing Ashley along, but I haven’t cheated on her. And I won’t.
I’ll end things with her before our weekend trip and go back to finding a woman who can light my skin on fire with a glance and give me the long-term relationship I want.
Unfortunately, that still isn’t Caitlin, as much as I wish it could be.
“You’re here earlier than usual. Crap day?” I ask Caitlin, walking by her without my usual hello. Things in my head are starting to knock together, and I need some of that Tylenol we keep behind the bar.
She tosses her phone onto the bar and rolls her eyes. Pretty green eyes I’ve seen hazy and glassy and excited and spitting fire.
Good God. Why today? Why now is this getting to me?
“You could say that. Trey’s been an asshole.”
“Bosses usually are.” Tucker shoves my shoulder as he says it.
I shove him back. “You’re fired.”
“Sure I’m not.” He lifts his chin toward a guy in a suit at the far end of the bar and heads that way. He’s not fazed by my meaningless threat. Who can blame him? I say it at least twice a shift.
“So what’s the hard day about?” I rest my elbows on the bar and lean forward, gesturing with my hand for her to give it to me.
“Oh no,” Caitlin laughs. She shakes her head and appears almost bashful. Which piques my interest. Caitlin is anything but bashful. “I’m not falling into the whole my-bartender’s-my-therapist thing you have going on. It’s not a big deal, really. I’ll figure it out.”
“Sure?”
It’s the last time I’ll ask. I won’t push her to talk if she doesn’t want to. Push Caitlin, and she pole-vaults away. I learned that within the first two weeks of sleeping with her. She might enjoy a physical connection, but it’s on her terms. Which makes me a lovesick fool for still wishing she’d give me that chance.
She sips her martini, extra dry with two olives like I always know she’s going to have at least one of. “I’m sure. But thanks for asking.”
“There you are! Hey honey!” I jump at the sound of Ashley’s voice. And good Lord, I’ve completely forgotten about the text, the fact I didn’t see her.
A quick glance at Caitlin shows her smile has tightened, and before I can question it, Ashley is behind the bar, sliding up to me and wrapping her arms around me for a quick hug.
“Hey. Was knocking on the door to your office thinking I’d surprise you in there.”
“We must have missed each other.” Is my voice tight? Are my muscles bunched? I feel all sorts of cold and uncomfortable. Her being behind the bar is nothing new, although she’s usually not this affectionate. “Tucker told me you were out here.”
“Oh. I went to the ladies’ room first. How’s your day?”
Terrible. Confusing. It’s not what she needs to hear, not right now, with Caitlin glancing at us and punching on her phone. “It’s been better.”
She rolls to her toes and presses her lips to my throat. They prickle against my skin like an irritant. And God. If I needed confirmation before this moment what to do, I’ve certainly got it. “If you’re still coming over tonight, I can help make it better.”
I grin down at her. She’s short, barely over five foot, and just as tall as Caitlin, but that’s where their similarities end. But personally, I love shorter women. I like being able to lift and carry them easily. Like being able to whip them around where I want them to be. Ashley’s adventurous and good, but the memories flashing in my head are of a particular redhead.
Good Lord, I’m an asshole. I’m currently fighting getting a hard-on remembering times I’ve had fun throwing Caitlin around, while my girlfriend is in front of me.
“I’ll be there,” I tell Ashley. I have to get out of this bar before I do something stupid like break up with her here.
She must sense the coolness in my voice because she frowns and steps back. “Okay. Well, I’m going to go home and shower the day off me. See you for dinner?”
“After the dinner rush ends here I’ll come. Nine?”
There’s no way I’ll sit through a dinner with her, now knowing what I have to do. I just need to figure out how to do it without hurting her too much. But even this is different. During the week we almost always have dinner together.
“Something wrong?”
“No,” I tell her as she steps away from my arms and heads around the bar. “Just a long day and I have a few things here I need to get a handle on.”
Like my life.
“All right then. Text me when you’re on your way.” She grabs her purse from the stool next to where Caitlin is sitting. “Bye, lady. See you soon?”
Caitlin lifts her martini glass and grins. “Probably with a drink in hand.”
Ashley laughs, and my God I need to get a grip. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable watching the women banter. They’ve always gotten along. Caitlin’s always been kind to her, and it was awkward at first, but this…them teasing each other? I’m a bigger dick than I thought I was earlier, because watching the woman I want who sets me on fire with the girl I have who I know will never hurt me is the worst possible scenario for the day I’ve had.
Later, Ashley mouths to me as she says her goodbyes, throwing in a wink and a saucy little smile that’s usually cute.
It’s not until she’s gone that I realize, while she’s walking away I’ve kept my gaze glued to Caitlin.
“You okay?” she asks when she catches me watching her.
“I’ve got shit to do,” I mumble. “Tucker, you got this?”
“Righty ho, boss man!” he calls from the end of the bar.
I leave the bar and head back to the office before I do something incredibly stupid. Like kiss the confusion off Caitlin’s face.