The following day, trying to distract myself from thinking about Luca in the hospital is impossible. Mum keeps me on the phone for over an hour in the morning, and while that helps, no amount of washing or ironing, reading or walking or meditating works. I paint for a couple of hours once late afternoon finally arrives, but then I pack up, deciding to visit Silvio at the bar.
Silvio’s eyes light up when he sees me. ‘Good to see you, Mia.’
I order an Averna. I don’t even like Averna. Silvio raises his eyebrows. ‘An Averna?’
‘Yes, please.’
‘Just one,’ he says, pouring me a double shot. He grabs another glass and pours himself one, too.
I cringe as the fiery liquid slides down my throat. I’m not used to drinking liqueur straight like this. Luca usually leaves the last sip of his caffè corretto for me.
‘How’s he doing?’
‘Well, he’s alive. That’s a miracle in itself. But …’
‘But?’
‘He doesn’t want to see me. He says it’s too hard for him to be with me. He thinks he’ll be a burden.’
‘Ah, typical testa dura,’ he says.
‘I pretty much called it off with him before the accident, Silvio,’ I say, as I concentrate on the tinkling sound the ice is making as I swish my glass around.
‘Why would you do that, bella Mia?’ he asks thoughtfully. ‘You two are so happy together.’
‘I got scared.’
‘Of what?’
‘The cancer coming back.’
‘The what?’ He finishes off his Averna and pours himself another glass. Fortunately, Matteo is taking care of the customers. ‘Wow, Mia, I never knew that.’
‘He never told you?’
He stares into his Averna with disbelief. ‘Every conversation that guy had with me about you was always to tell me how wonderful you were. He never stopped talking about you—your painting, your jokes, your crazy adventures, the way you made him see life in a different light—but never, ever did he tell me about the cancer.’
‘I never expected to find what I did here, Silvio. I found him, and you, and Paolo, Stella, Signor Fiorelli, Clara, the boys … you all have changed my life.’
‘So what changed with you and Luca?’
‘Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was fear.’
‘When Luca comes to terms with what’s happened, he’ll let you back into his life. There’s no way that man can live without you.’
Our conversation switches to whether we really like the taste of Averna when Paolo joins us at the table. He had to open up the officina today, unable to take any more time off.
‘Long day?’ asks Silvio.
‘Don’t get me started. We’re so behind it’s not funny.’
My anxious look says it all.
‘But don’t worry, I’ll manage,’ he says, rubbing his chin.
‘Averna?’ asks Silvio.
Paolo nods and takes a slow sip, as if he’s contemplating something, and then he looks at me. ‘Stella called me earlier. She was going to tell you when she got home from work. Rosetta is already making the arrangements with the hospital to transfer Luca to Orvieto. As far as I know, if the doctor gives his okay, they’ll be transferring him on Sunday. I tried to talk to him—I told him we’d work something out in terms of where he could stay once he’s discharged—but he wouldn’t listen.’
My lip starts to quiver, and I bite down on it so hard it almost starts to bleed. ‘What can I do?’
‘I don’t think there’s anything we can do right now. I’ve tried, Stella’s tried, Rosetta’s tried. He won’t listen. He’s angry, Mia, angry about what happened to him. He needs time to process it.’
I slide my glass towards the bottle of caramel-coloured liquid, motioning for Silvio to fill it. To drink like this is out of character for me, but the numbing feeling it gives during this time of need outweighs my good judgement.
‘No more, signorina,’ says Silvio, screwing the lid back on the bottle.
‘Just let her have it, just one more,’ says Paolo as he places his hand on my shoulder.
Half an hour later my legs feel like jelly. Silvio and Paolo walk me home, handing me over to Stella, who covers me with a blanket on the upstairs sofa as I drift into a blissful, alcohol-induced sleep.
The next morning I’m at the hospital because I can’t stay away. My feet take the familiar route down the linoleum hallway, and when I reach Luca’s room I pause. I’m not sure whether or not to knock.
‘Mia?’
I turn around to see Rosetta behind me.
‘Rosetta! How are you? How is he?’
‘He’s doing okay. They’re still deciding if he’s well enough to be transferred to Orvieto later this week. As for me, I’m doing as well as I can. Missing the boys and Francesco, but Luca’s alive, and that’s all that matters.’
I bite the inside of my cheek. She’s right.
‘He loves you, Mia. He’ll never stop loving you. I can see it in his eyes.’
‘With time he’ll forget. Eventually, he’ll forget what it felt like, what we had.’
‘You’re different than all the others. He’s been asking about you every day. Go on, go in and see him. I’ll wait outside.’
I pull the magazines I have brought for Luca close to my chest for some sense of comfort. I gently knock on the door and let myself in. He looks up and a smile begins to spread across his face. As quickly as it appears, it vanishes.
‘Hey, how are you doing?’ I ask gently.
‘You shouldn’t be here, Mia.’
‘I asked how you were.’
‘I can’t do this. Seeing you is too hard.’
My face flushes and my words can’t keep up with the acceleration of my heartbeat. ‘Excuse me? Seeing me is too hard? I know you told me not to come here, but I spent over a month not knowing whether you’d live or die. The last time I saw your eyes open was right before I hurt you the way I did. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to hear your voice again, let alone feel the way I feel when you touch me or smile at me or look at me. How am I supposed to just stay away from you when you’re all I can ever think about?’
Luca’s face is a mask of agony. ‘Mia—’
‘No, let me finish. I know why you’re doing what you’re doing. And I know it’s not going to be easy, for either of us.’
‘You’re making this harder than it needs to be. Even if I was to stay here in Florence, where would I live? I can’t live with Paolo. I can’t move in with you and Stella—it’s a double-storey villa. And the bills? I can’t work like this. There’s just too much uncertainty around everything right now. I’ll probably have to sell my share of the business. You can barely cover your own living expenses on your wages.’
‘We’ll find a way.’
‘There’s no way this can work, Mia. Our life changed when I had the accident.’
‘I didn’t hear you say you don’t love me,’ I whisper, my voice breaking.
‘I’ll never stop feeling the way I do about you,’ he says, turning his head to look out the window.
‘Then let me find a way to make it work.’
He keeps his focus on the window. ‘I don’t want it to work,’ he says softly.
‘How can you even say that?’
He shifts his gaze, and the sadness in his eyes cuts right through me. ‘I don’t want to subject you to a life like this. I’ll never be able to carry you in my arms again. I won’t ever be able to swim in the ocean with you or do even half the things we’ve enjoyed doing together.’
I shake my head. ‘I don’t care. I just want to be with you, no matter what.’
‘Come here,’ he says.
I place the magazines at the foot of the bed and sit beside him. There’s still a tangle of tubes and wires connected to him. He raises his free hand and wipes away one of my tears, opening the gate for more to roll down.
‘I don’t want to hurt you. Causing you pain is the last thing I want to do, but a little bit of pain now is going to avoid a lot of heartache for you down the track. You’ll thank me three, five, ten years from now.’
My bottom lip trembles. ‘That’s not how this is supposed to work out.’
‘This,’ he says, pointing to his legs, ‘wasn’t how it was supposed to work out.’ He clenches his jaw and runs his hand through his hair. He eventually looks at me again. Then he places his hand behind my head and pulls me towards him. He kisses the top of my head and holds me close for a few seconds. ‘You should go,’ he whispers.
‘Luca, I can’t. I don’t want to leave you here.’
‘Please, Mia.’ He leans back into his pillow, shuts his eyes and slips his hand away. I know the conversation is over, but there’s no way I’m accepting that we are, too.
Paolo and Stella are sitting at the kitchen table discussing Luca’s prognosis and transfer when I return home.
‘Mia, is that you?’ calls Stella.
‘Yes,’ I say, slipping off my coat and throwing it on the sofa.
‘Rosetta called. He’s going to be leaving soon,’ she says. ‘In the next day or so.’
‘I know.’
‘I need to talk to you about our trip. I’ve been thinking that this isn’t a good time to leave you here on your own. Paolo and I have spoken about it, and even though he’s okay with closing the officina for the month, I think we should postpone it until things get a bit easier for you and Luca.’
I’m horrified at the idea. ‘Stella, there is no way you are cancelling this trip on my account. Paolo’s never been to New York and you haven’t seen your family in over a year. I can’t ask you both to give up the money you’ve already invested in this. You’ve been looking forward to it for months.’
‘I can’t leave you here alone.’
‘I’ll have Clara and Silvio.’
‘You would tell me if you needed me, right?’
I take Stella’s hand in mine. ‘Go and enjoy your holiday.’
Stella nods and points her finger at me. ‘Okay, but I’m assigning helpers to check on you.’
‘I don’t need that. But if it makes you feel better—’
‘Yes, it does. Mia, I want to tell you something important.’
‘What is it?’
‘I told Luca this same thing that afternoon before the accident.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Promise me you won’t give up fighting for him.’
My shoulders straighten, and I look her squarely in the eyes. ‘I don’t intend to.’
Her green eyes sparkle. ‘That’s exactly what he said.’