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It was a grey and gloomy spring day, but she rather enjoyed the grey and dark blue colours of the sky when it was overcast in such a way. The smell of rain was threatening to fall at any moment and she enjoyed the crispness of the scent. She walked through the lavender garden, allowing the scent to calm her. It was not fair. Gemma was allowed to wait until she was one and twenty before having a true prospect of marriage that she found agreeable and that also matched what their parents wanted for her. So why was she only able to have until the age of 19?
It was very unfair, and she did not want to admit to herself why she thought her parents would do such a thing. It was because they found Gemma to be quite beautiful and her denial of marriage was because she was set on finding a match that she also liked, and if she did not, her beauty would find someone for her. Whereas Hilda was quite plain and she knew that her parents thought of her as such. Therefore one year older made her unattractive to any prospects of suitors. At the age of 19, she was seen as someone that was still quite useful, and that was something. This was why her parents were rushing her.
Because of this, the lavender did not calm her nerves; these thoughts only made her angrier. How she wished that she could marry for love, and not out of responsibility. Perhaps her sister would marry Adam Crossbury after all and she could take her on as a governess. It was a future, not an agreeable one, but not a horrendous one either.
A few moments later, the heavens opened up, and fat drops of rain began to fall. But Hilda did not move. The cold water felt refreshing against her heated skin. It was helping to relieve her of some of the agony she had been feeling. But before long, she found that she was quite drenched. This was not good. For she did not wish to catch a cold.
She entered the house through the back servant stairs and made her way up to her room. She dried her hair and changed out of her wet clothing. Then she decided to go downstairs to the kitchen for a hot cup of tea to warm herself. After she drank the tea, she wanted to go back upstairs and take another try at completing her work of poetry that her mother had interrupted. Perhaps now with a clearer mind having been washed by the rain she would be more successful.
She quickly made her way passing her father's office.
“Hilda, come into my office.”
She sighed; she had already had one lecture today and did not need another.
“Yes father," She said walking in.
“Are you happy, my daughter?"
“Whatever do you mean, father?"
“I mean, you seem very distant and strange lately, ever since the night of the ball. Tell me, was a gentleman inappropriate with you? There's something very off.”
“No Father, I am quite fine. Nothing inappropriate happened at the ball. I am just feeling a lot of pressure from Mother these days. I understand that it is simply because she cares for me and wishes to see me find a good husband, but it is quite stressful indeed."
“I understand. Just know that she does it and I do it out of love. I should have had a son, and I do not know what will happen to my estate when I am gone. That can happen with old age or it can happen any day, I just want to see you secure, and so does your mother.”
“Oh Father, do not speak in such a way. You will be here for a very long time. But I understand.”
“Good. Then I hope to see a smile on your face again, daughter, for you are quite to radiant when you smile. You are a beauty just as much as your sister, do not let anyone tell you any different. I know that you will find your match, but perhaps take into account that though you might not love your match in the beginning, love can grow.”
She was quiet. She knew exactly what her father meant. That she should consider marrying for security and not for love, and banking on the prospect that love would grow between her and her husband even if it was not there in the beginning. She knew that it was possible, and had seen many examples of it amongst marriages; she just never thought that she would have to do such a thing.
“Yes father, I understand. I will take that into account when meeting suitable prospects for marriage. I am quite exhausted, I am to my room to rest."
“Yes my dear, I am feeling the same. Have a good rest and I shall see you for dinner." He placed a kiss on her forehead and then she was on her way.
Hilda quickly left his office and made her way to the stairs. She climbed them fast, hoping not to run into anyone because there were now tears in her eyes. She was very glad when she made it to her room and close the door behind her.
Once she was on her bed, she allowed the tears to fall down her cheeks freely. For hearing the talk from her father was far worse than the ramblings of her mother. Hearing her mother say things to her about marriage was an everyday occurrence. But it was very rare that their father took them aside to lecture them in such a way about their future. In fact he had not had a talk with her like that since her coming out season. It was then that his words were much different. He had told her then that she would find a man that was wealthy, and that loved her unconditionally. She had great hopes then.
Now, only a mere three and a half years later, his words were drastically different. Now he was saying to just marry someone agreeable and to allow love to grow between her and her husband organically. There was no notion of a great love, love at first sight, and passion.
Hilda felt sick to her stomach, for this lecture along with knowing that Ross was engaged was too much to bear in less than a month. It was quite stressful indeed.
She stayed in bed, feeling quite distraught. When she was called for dinner, she told Sarah to say that she had a headache and was still in bed and would not be coming down for dinner. She sounded quite exhausted and indeed her head did hurt, but it was from crying.
After dinner, there was a knock at the door and Gemma entered.
“Sister, are you not well?”
“I do not feel well. I was outside in the gardens and got caught in the rain, perhaps it is catching up with me a bit. It is only just a headache and I'm sure will be gone by tomorrow. I just need to sleep.”
“I understand. Is there anything I can get you? If you wish, I could press a cold wet cloth against your forehead until your headache has gone away.” Gemma sat beside Hilda on the bed and placed her hand on her forehead. “You are slightly warm, sister.”
“Thank you Gemma, I appreciate your kindness, but I really am exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open. I shall see you in the morning.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, good night, dear sister.”
“Goodnight, Hilda.”
With that, Gemma left the room quietly. Hilda was very glad that it was very dark in her room ,with only one candle burning far away from the bed. This way Gemma was not able to see that Hilda had been crying and that her eyes were very swollen from doing so. Then Gemma would not leave the room at all if she saw such a thing. She would not leave until she knew exactly what was upsetting her.
Hilda moved from her bed and blew out the candle. She climbed back into bed and once more cried herself to sleep. But it was a good heavy sleep, and it was one that she needed more than she knew. For she did not know that the emotional exhaustion was taking a toll on her physically.
The next morning she felt quite refreshed and back to herself again. Though she was not prepared for the events that the day would bring.
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